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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried I’m about to move in with a cocklodger

278 replies

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 18:12

DP and I are currently house hunting. We’ve had a few conversations around chores etc and some of the stuff he came out with last night has really worried me. For example with his ex he said she done the bulk of the chores but on occasion he’d do a couple hours of solid housework and he’d get ‘rewarded’ at the end 😷I asked if he was joking and he said he was being serious…

Is it wrong or me to reconsider…

OP posts:
TrainGame · 05/05/2025 20:20

Also, prices are definitely not going up. Not by that much. They are stagnating. I'd not be swayed by his pushy talk. He knows he needs to get his feet under the table again with some other complete push-over.

Don't be that person.

KarmenPQZ · 05/05/2025 20:22

Butchyrestingface · 05/05/2025 18:41

Why would you buy a property with someone when you've not even road-tested what he's like to live with yet?

Luckily for you, he's TOLD you what he's going to be like to live with - and it involves sexual favours in return for any housework.

Show quote history

This!!

where is he currently living and what state is it in? Can you see yourself living to that level? Has he ever cooked for you? (And washed up after)

Tigergirl80 · 05/05/2025 20:23

Your buying a house with someone you’ve not lived with!😳😳😳

GloriousGoosebumps · 05/05/2025 20:23

They say that many a true word is spoken in jest...
I don't see the point in challenging him because he'll simply tell you what he needs to say in order to get you to buy this house with him. So can you live with a man who thinks he can trade a couple of hours of housework for sex? I think you need to throw this one back, stay in your own home and start dating again. He can go back to living with his mum and dad, it's where he deserves to be.

caringcarer · 05/05/2025 20:26

Why would you even be contemplating moving in with this man child? 🚩🚩🚩

Lost20211 · 05/05/2025 20:26

Nope, nope, nope.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 05/05/2025 20:28

Can you afford something smaller and/or in a less desirable area by yourself? If not, carry on renting and saving.

Original poster
Holly9 · 05/05/2025 20:28

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2025 20:03

For example with his ex he said she done the bulk of the chores but on occasion he’d do a couple hours of solid housework and he’d get ‘rewarded’ at the end 😷I asked if he was joking and he said he was being serious…

Did you not make it crystal clear at this point that you would not entertain this arrangement? I would have said that we need to discuss what we both consider living together would look like ad it would t be anything like that.

Oh I absolutely did, especially as the ‘job’ he referenced wasn’t b or h and is something I absolutely haven’t or wouldn’t ever do in my life!!

OP posts:
EilishMcCandlish · 05/05/2025 20:28

Time for a hard conversation. Tell him you have reflected on what he said and you need to be clear that if you buy together, it is as equals. That you expect him to do his share and that you will not be offering sexual favours in exchange for less than the bare minimum. Don't let him try and get away with dismissing it as a joke. Any kind of minimisation and you don't proceed.

What is his parent's dynamic like? Does his dad do his share or leave it to his mum? Do you see him doing his share as an adult who is living with his parents?

Original poster
Holly9 · 05/05/2025 20:30

KarmenPQZ · 05/05/2025 20:22

This!!

where is he currently living and what state is it in? Can you see yourself living to that level? Has he ever cooked for you? (And washed up after)

Show quote history

He is at his parents, I’ve not been there too much but his room is clean and tidy.

He hasn’t cooked at mine (says he feels awkward when cooking in someone else’s kitchen which I get sounds like an excuse) but he does help clean/dry up usually.

OP posts:
nomas · 05/05/2025 20:30

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 20:28

Oh I absolutely did, especially as the ‘job’ he referenced wasn’t b or h and is something I absolutely haven’t or wouldn’t ever do in my life!!

Show quote history

Yikes! A?

Original poster
Holly9 · 05/05/2025 20:31

EilishMcCandlish · 05/05/2025 20:28

Time for a hard conversation. Tell him you have reflected on what he said and you need to be clear that if you buy together, it is as equals. That you expect him to do his share and that you will not be offering sexual favours in exchange for less than the bare minimum. Don't let him try and get away with dismissing it as a joke. Any kind of minimisation and you don't proceed.

What is his parent's dynamic like? Does his dad do his share or leave it to his mum? Do you see him doing his share as an adult who is living with his parents?

Edited

As far as I can tell the Mum does most of the cooking, I really haven’t been there enough to tell to be honest.

OP posts:
Clearingaspace · 05/05/2025 20:34

definitely don’t buy with him without living together first. Why would he want to continue to stay at his mums when he could move in with you while you are house hunting?

TheSilentSister · 05/05/2025 20:36

If you still want to give it a go, after those comments he made, then let him move in with you for a trial run before you commit to buying somewhere together.
Men who genuinely pull their weight are as rare as hens teeth. It's usually a case of one partner working longer hours, contributing more financially and chores shared accordingly. When there is no balance, resentment kicks in.
It concerns me that he took the easy option and moved back to his parents. You don't mention your ages or if either of you has kids or want kids in the future.
Buying a property together is just as hard to reverse as it is getting married.
Think very carefully before you take the next step.

TheHerboriste · 05/05/2025 20:38

Butchyrestingface · 05/05/2025 18:41

Why would you buy a property with someone when you've not even road-tested what he's like to live with yet?

Luckily for you, he's TOLD you what he's going to be like to live with - and it involves sexual favours in return for any housework.

Show quote history

This. I hope you are running for the hills, OP.

Buy your own property and always keep it yours, so that you aren't financially entwined with any men you aren't married to.

Really raise your standards.

EilishMcCandlish · 05/05/2025 20:39

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 20:31

As far as I can tell the Mum does most of the cooking, I really haven’t been there enough to tell to be honest.

Show quote history

How long have you known him? And how old you both? I would definitely put a pause on it. Spend more time watching how he treats his mum and how his dad treats her. If they have a 'traditional' set up, he probably does think housework is women's work.

TheHerboriste · 05/05/2025 20:41

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 20:30

He is at his parents, I’ve not been there too much but his room is clean and tidy.

He hasn’t cooked at mine (says he feels awkward when cooking in someone else’s kitchen which I get sounds like an excuse) but he does help clean/dry up usually.

Show quote history

So mummy still cleans his room and does the cooking?

And he hasn't mustered the gumption to move out? (I have nothing against intentional multi-generational households and think they are a cost-effective, resourceful way to upward mobility for families and extended families, but I doubt that is what is going on here...)

Do not let this man-child take over your life, your home and your finances.

IberianBlackout · 05/05/2025 20:42

Uh oh

beetr00 · 05/05/2025 20:46

how long have you been together @Holly9 ?

Probably wiser to step back for the moment, this has obviously raised a red flag for you.

Are you in a rush?

Someone2025 · 05/05/2025 20:47

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 20:31

As far as I can tell the Mum does most of the cooking, I really haven’t been there enough to tell to be honest.

Show quote history

This could be one of the biggest purchases of your life, it’s madness not to live together first

He sounds like a tight ass who doesn’t want to pay rent even if it’s the most sensible thing to do (for a while), I also think it’s a sign of stupidity not to want to do it, that aswell as the comments he made make me think he’s really not that bright

Original poster
Holly9 · 05/05/2025 20:48

We’ve been together about 18 months and are both in our 30’s.

OP posts:
beetr00 · 05/05/2025 20:51

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 20:48

We’ve been together about 18 months and are both in our 30’s.

Don't you think that's far too early for making such a huge financial commitment, especially, with someone who expects sexual favours if he washes the dishes!

Please tread very carefully lovely.

Tiswa · 05/05/2025 20:53

Love together first you cannot rush into buying without knowing how this will work

Pallisers · 05/05/2025 20:54

Am I reading this right? He told you that with his ex he would occasionally do housework in exchange for anal sex?

I just couldn't ...

Gundogday · 05/05/2025 20:54

”He said he ended that relationship as they weren’t compatible and says he is really happy with me and I’m everything he’s wanted.”

How convenient. I’ve been on munsnet too long, but it’s amazing how many single men living at their parents find single women attractive, and want to move in with them!

What’s his financial set up? Working? Stable job?

Have you had ‘the money’ discussion yet? Ie, how much each is going to pay towards the mortgage (50:50!), deposit (50:50) , bilks going forward etc.

Your spidery senses are twitching so listen.

Whose idea was it to buy? I think renting together woukd be a good idea. If he’s not keen on this, why not?