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Original poster

Worried I’m about to move in with a cocklodger

278 replies

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 18:12

DP and I are currently house hunting. We’ve had a few conversations around chores etc and some of the stuff he came out with last night has really worried me. For example with his ex he said she done the bulk of the chores but on occasion he’d do a couple hours of solid housework and he’d get ‘rewarded’ at the end 😷I asked if he was joking and he said he was being serious…

Is it wrong or me to reconsider…

OP posts:
TokyoKyoto · 07/05/2025 11:23

I think he probably doesn't realise how lame he is.

If he's only stayed over a couple of times a week, then he is wrong that 'you know what he's like', because living together and sharing responsibilities is an entirely different scenario.

What you want - what we all want - is an equal partner who we don't have to TELL to do things. Maybe he'd be that but the signs aren't good if he's not ever got it together to look after himself and he's in his 30s.

Good on you OP for pulling back from buying and saying you want to try it out. As others have said he might be on his very very best behaviour for a bit but if there's a sniff of you having to give him a chore list (never mind a rim job) then do yourself a favour and reevaluate.

EilishMcCandlish · 07/05/2025 11:36

He's going to think about it?
Instead of immediately saying 'of course we are equal partners'?
He shouldn't have to even think about that, and your own OP says it right there that he wasn't joking. He wants to see how much of a pushover you are. Expect him to say he doesn't think you are compatible, 'ends' the relationship or something similar so you will backtrack, thinking you will rollover. Hold the line.

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 11:49

Good call op. If he breaks up with you due to you holding your boundaries he'll tell the next gf that the problem was your lack of commitment to buying.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 07/05/2025 11:59

Ahh. The old it's a joke (unless you're going to do it...)

He's so full of shit.

BMW6 · 07/05/2025 11:59

The fact that he "needs to think about" moving into your place as a road test while he was dead keen on BUYING a place with you is so revealing.

He knows very well that it would be much, MUCH more difficult for you to break with him if you are financially tied. He he has zero intention of pulling his weight and was hoping to entrap you.

What.A.Cunt.

I'd tell him actually you've thought about it some more and find that, after all, he doesn't meet your standards so bye bye loser.

ShieldMaiden8 · 07/05/2025 12:05

He went into great details for something that was apparently a joke. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s why his ex and him split as he was asking for rewards, became a pest but tried to reassure her it was just a joke when she finally had enough 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hoohaz · 07/05/2025 12:12

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 18:37

Buy

Show quote history

Don't do it! RUN!

Only a child with a sticker chart expects a reward for basic tasks.

He sees housework as something you should be doing, and something that he can opt out of. If he runs a hoover around or washes up, he will be telling you about it for a week as if you should be so grateful that you need to pay him for these tasks... with sex.

Do you really want a relationship with anyone that thinks sex is an obligation or a payment system?

He does not see housework as something that should be split between 2 adults in an equal relationship. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a mommy.

If you buy a house with this man, it is very difficult and expensive to extract yourself from that situation. If you must live with him, at least rent together first.

Clearingaspace · 07/05/2025 12:20

As someone else mentioned, why does he need time to ‘think’ about moving in when he wanted you to hurry up and buy with him!! I think his priorities are himself and not your relationship and future together.

You don’t want to waste time with this guy if you are in your 30s, you need someone who will be a good long term partner.

AlertCat · 07/05/2025 12:29

Clearingaspace · 07/05/2025 12:20

As someone else mentioned, why does he need time to ‘think’ about moving in when he wanted you to hurry up and buy with him!! I think his priorities are himself and not your relationship and future together.

You don’t want to waste time with this guy if you are in your 30s, you need someone who will be a good long term partner.

I agree. Even if his motives are pure, I would be alarmed at his lack of caution. It’s an all-or-nothing attitude that rings alarm bells. Will he accuse you of not loving him enough to do exactly as he wants? “If you loved me you’d buy me a house a house with me/ do the dishes because I’m so tired/ let me off every boring adult task for the rest of time” and it could get darker as well. “If you really loved me you’d stop seeing your family and friends/ give up work/ be barefoot and pregnant…”

MarieOC · 07/05/2025 12:36

I'm with the previous poster, being with you should be reward enough. You could ask him how he intends to reward you for all you do for him but the red flag is there.

BoredZelda · 07/05/2025 13:21

I wonder how his mum rewards him for washing the dishes……

FullOfLemons · 07/05/2025 13:21

BMW6 · 07/05/2025 11:59

The fact that he "needs to think about" moving into your place as a road test while he was dead keen on BUYING a place with you is so revealing.

He knows very well that it would be much, MUCH more difficult for you to break with him if you are financially tied. He he has zero intention of pulling his weight and was hoping to entrap you.

What.A.Cunt.

I'd tell him actually you've thought about it some more and find that, after all, he doesn't meet your standards so bye bye loser.

Yes, this.

I was puzzled as to what he could be thinking about, really didn’t make sense.

But I think this explanation nails it.

Sadly, the description seems apt.

Gundogday · 07/05/2025 14:09

BoredZelda · 07/05/2025 13:21

I wonder how his mum rewards him for washing the dishes……

Wasn’t sure whether to laugh or puke at that comment!

Londontown12 · 07/05/2025 14:13

BoredZelda · 07/05/2025 13:21

I wonder how his mum rewards him for washing the dishes……

😂😂😂😂

Deckings · 07/05/2025 14:35

2JFDIYOLO · 07/05/2025 10:27

said I’d be willing for him to move in with me on the basis he is fully aware chores are to be shared and he pulls his weight. If that goes well then down the line, I’d consider looking at buying somewhere. He says he is going to think about it…

He's going to think about it ... ?

Consider the possibility of perhaps thinking about pulling his weight?

Here is a forecast, OP. This is what is going to happen:

He'll be on best guest behaviour, because his goal is to get himself permanently under your roof.

He'll be treading very carefully.

Because you've now basically promised him that if he does this, he's in.

A few months / years down the line, he'll move in with you.

For a while he might behave himself. To secure his position.

And then ... It will start.

And you'll be here, OP, sadly typing that you don't understand what's happened, where it's all gone wrong, why he's behaving like this ...?

Here's the answer ready for you to take away and look at:

Because this is his true nature.

What he's really like when the mask's off because he feels secure that he's got so far into it that extricating him will be incredibly difficult.

And if you marry, you can wave goodbye to house, money, pension.

Think of this post like a time travel glimpse into your future if you do that.

This.

He's a loser.
You seem determined to take a chance, but you will pay dearly and literally for it.

That was no joke, he was just telling you exactly who he is, scum.

You desperately need to work on your boundaries because you have a whole tonne of bitter regret coming your way from your lack of self esteem.

His conversation with you was testing you.
He's low class.
He now knows that even the most disgusting "joke" won't put you off.

misskatamari · 07/05/2025 14:40

Oh my god the red flags. He wasn’t joking. The fact that he wants to think about this when he is willing to buy a house with you is also telling. He doesn’t want you to see what a giant manbaby cocklodger you’re taking on until you’re financially bound to him and stuck.

I would seriously be evaluating the relationship full stop.

Fedupcreative86 · 07/05/2025 17:45

I would not be with any 30-odd year old man who laughed about getting AS and rim jobs in reward for doing chores. He sounds like a cretin OP. And, in my my experience from watching women who move in with these twats, he usually becomes abusive once he has her locked down. DONT DO IT! Why are you with him? Do you really feel that he's all that you can find? (He's not).

Deckings · 07/05/2025 17:46

BMW6 · 07/05/2025 11:59

The fact that he "needs to think about" moving into your place as a road test while he was dead keen on BUYING a place with you is so revealing.

He knows very well that it would be much, MUCH more difficult for you to break with him if you are financially tied. He he has zero intention of pulling his weight and was hoping to entrap you.

What.A.Cunt.

I'd tell him actually you've thought about it some more and find that, after all, he doesn't meet your standards so bye bye loser.

Oh totally.
He needs to think about how long he can realistically keep up a mask for the OP to be foolish enough to buy.

The OP needs to read

Why does he do that that? Lundy Bancroft

Women who love too much. Robin Norwood

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk as well.

Rimming for housework...wtf, the life some women lead🙄

Zucker · 07/05/2025 19:33

He's going to think about it! But I thought he was all gung ho about buying a house together? This prince among men is trying to use you to get his name on some house deeds.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/05/2025 19:59

"He said he ended that relationship as they weren’t compatible"

No, his ex kicked him out because he was her Cocklodger.

" and says he is really happy with me and I’m everything he’s wanted."

That's nice that you meet his approval, too bad he doesn't meet yours!

As others have said, as soon as I read your comments my alarm bells went off, he wants to trap you into buying a house with him without living together full-time first because he doesn't want you to kick him out of your place for being a Cocklodger just like his last girlfriend did.

He knows it'll be so much more difficult for you to split up if you're tied together with a mortgage and jointly-owned home.

As for not being comfortable cooking in someone else's house, what a weak excuse. My DH happily cooked meals in my home when he used to stay over. He also cooks when we're staying over at my DP's house, which they love! You clearly wouldn't mind if he cooked for you at your place, so that's just ridiculous.

I'd just cut your losses and end it with this guy. There's enough worrying you about him and his attitude. Trust your instinct. Don't be like the MANY of us here on MN who didn't, carried on and ended up divorced or living in a shitty situation.

healthybychristmas · 10/05/2025 09:31

I am absolutely flabbergasted as to why you would want him to move in now. Seriously, are you so desperate for someone that you will take this kind of treatment?

Ilovecleaning · 10/05/2025 15:27

healthybychristmas · 10/05/2025 09:31

I am absolutely flabbergasted as to why you would want him to move in now. Seriously, are you so desperate for someone that you will take this kind of treatment?

The question ‘are you so desperate?’ is belittling and insulting; it is also inappropriate as the OP has posted her concerns. That question is on a par with ‘don’tyou understand?’/‘can you not grasp?’ Rude, lacking in emotional intelligence and hardly designed to elicit a reasonable response.

Totallytoti · 10/05/2025 16:35

insomniaclife · 05/05/2025 18:15

Oh ffs. Do you need telling??

Sums it up. You aren’t ready for a relationship if you can’t think this one through.

Totallytoti · 10/05/2025 16:36

@Ilovecleaningit isn’t belittling. What is belittling is a woman who is clearly desperate for a man that she needs to ask.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/05/2025 16:39

' was a joke which he made when he was tipsy to see how I’d react '

he is testing your boundaries

whether this was or was not something his x did, he is attempting to find out if you would be up for it in the future.