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Original poster

Worried I’m about to move in with a cocklodger

278 replies

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 18:12

DP and I are currently house hunting. We’ve had a few conversations around chores etc and some of the stuff he came out with last night has really worried me. For example with his ex he said she done the bulk of the chores but on occasion he’d do a couple hours of solid housework and he’d get ‘rewarded’ at the end 😷I asked if he was joking and he said he was being serious…

Is it wrong or me to reconsider…

OP posts:
AlertCat · 05/05/2025 19:22

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 19:10

Thanks all, just reading back:

-I rent currently, have suggested to DP that he lives with me for a bit first but he’s a bit reluctant, says he’s here twice a week anyway so I know what he’s like by now and we’ve had some week long holidays together. He thinks we should just get on with it before house prices go up further.

-He lived with his ex in a house she owned, when that relationship ended he moved back in with parents where he lives currently.

-He said he ended that relationship as they weren’t compatible and says he is really happy with me and I’m everything he’s wanted.

He can’t afford to buy alone and anyway wants a maid to do the housework and the wife work, and provide sex.

He’s never had the gumption to buy his own place and isn’t renting on his own now (why?).

He isn’t respecting your concerns and he’s making disrespectful comments and passing them off as jokes. Really there are a lot of red flags here.

MorphandMindy · 05/05/2025 19:23

How does he act when he comes to yours, OP? Does he see the butter/oil/salt and pepper sitting out after you've eaten and put it away? Does he set the table, or give it a wipe down after eating? If you are washing pots after cooking, does he grab a tea towel and dry while you wash?

Or does he sit on his phone while you do these things?

They are not much, but they indicate a level of proactiveness and initiative and ownership when it comes to routine household tasks. Honestly, I find that if I have any female mum friend round my house for takeaway on a Saturday, she's likely to do any of the above because she's so used to mucking in. (DH, I have to admit, does not wipe surfaces EVER but he is always first on his feet to help put things away and loves to stack a dishwasher.)

Also: How does he leave the bathroom sink and toilet after he has stayed over? Has he ever asked where the cleaning spray is kept?

Just something to think about and watch for...

S0j0urn4r · 05/05/2025 19:25

Put the brakes on.
Tell him you need to trial living together before even considering buying anything.
Or just dump the twat.

BoxOfCats · 05/05/2025 19:30

You're buying a house together. Can't you just have an adult conversation about it?

Sit him down and tell him you want to discuss how things will work practically once you buy, to make sure that you're on the same page. That you want to make it clear that he might have had a different arrangement on sharing domestic work with his ex, but that your expectation is that the house will be kept to a high standard of cleanliness (as yours is now) and that he will pull his weight 50/50 in contributing to that.

devildeepbluesea · 05/05/2025 19:32

Ma-hoosive cocklodger. Stick him firmly and permanently in the bin.

catsand · 05/05/2025 19:32

Living together with this guy sounds like a bad idea. Buying a house together without living together first is a TERRIBLE idea. Please reconsider!

Charlize43 · 05/05/2025 19:35

I thought a 'Cocklodger' was a man who moves into a woman's house and lives off her, but provides sex?

I remember reading about it here on MN and someone gave the example of Louise Thompson from Made in Chelsea how she'd taken up with her personal trainer Ryan somebody or other, who wasted no time moving into the house her parents had bought her, and now no longer has a job...

So you can't move in with a Cocklodger but have to have one move in with you.

Someone2025 · 05/05/2025 19:35

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 19:10

Thanks all, just reading back:

-I rent currently, have suggested to DP that he lives with me for a bit first but he’s a bit reluctant, says he’s here twice a week anyway so I know what he’s like by now and we’ve had some week long holidays together. He thinks we should just get on with it before house prices go up further.

-He lived with his ex in a house she owned, when that relationship ended he moved back in with parents where he lives currently.

-He said he ended that relationship as they weren’t compatible and says he is really happy with me and I’m everything he’s wanted.

It’s madness not to live together before buying!
Especially with someone like him

Melonmango70 · 05/05/2025 19:36

Please trial living together before you buy. It's so expensive to buy and sell and if it goes pear you'll be poor AND miserable! He doesn't want to trial it based on the current two days a week (not the same!) and upcoming holidays (definitely not the same!), says you're everything he wants - that's great, but you're already doubting that HE is everything YOU want. Look after yourself and give it a whirl before committing to buying a property together x

Changeyourlifes · 05/05/2025 19:39

Just speak to him about this directly. As he lives with his parents, he is likely reliant on them to do everything for him. He might have zero involvement with household tasks or bills or anything and could essentially be babied

You need to have a frank chat about the reality being he cooks 50% of the time, he does the laundry, he contributes x towards bills etc. Like just plainly state what you are comfortable with and what you are not. As he isn’t independent he might not realise what goes into running a household. It could be sexism or it could be naivety. But only when having that conversation will you know for sure.

The fact he said his ex did everything by default and when he did something once, he got sex, speaks volumes of the kind of set up he’s wanting. As you rent & live independently I can imagine him living with you could be a downgrade of your lifestyle.

JoshLymanSwagger · 05/05/2025 19:41

I'm everything he's wanted

Yeah, that and rewarding him putting the bins out with a BJ?

Time for you to chuck this one back into the pond send him back to his mum and dad

GoodCharl · 05/05/2025 19:41

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 19:10

Thanks all, just reading back:

-I rent currently, have suggested to DP that he lives with me for a bit first but he’s a bit reluctant, says he’s here twice a week anyway so I know what he’s like by now and we’ve had some week long holidays together. He thinks we should just get on with it before house prices go up further.

-He lived with his ex in a house she owned, when that relationship ended he moved back in with parents where he lives currently.

-He said he ended that relationship as they weren’t compatible and says he is really happy with me and I’m everything he’s wanted.

he just wants to get out of his parents house.

what does he do at yours the two days a week hes over? Does he actively cook, clean up afterwards?

at home with parents- does he actively cook/clean there or does mummy do it all? Have you met his parents. Be interesting to joke about that to see what his parent let slip about how he is

EmeraldRoulette · 05/05/2025 19:41

lives with parents - how old is he?

How much is he contributing to this purchase financially?

Don't do it, basically. He's told you very clearly what he expects. Don't say he didn't warn you 🤷🏻‍♀️

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 05/05/2025 19:42

I think you should listen to your gut instinct which is why you have posted here. If you don’t want to end the relationship ( I’d be considering it after those comments because 🤢) just say your financial situation has changed so not in a position to move in yet don’t say buy say move in yet incase he suggests living together

MoominMai · 05/05/2025 19:42

Well he’s not quite a cocklodger is he if he’ll be contributing to the bills on a joint home. However, if you go ahead without drawing boundaries and rules on housework you’ll technically be ‘in the wrong’ because from his pov he told you already his expectations 🤷🏻‍♀️

LovelySG · 05/05/2025 19:43

Don’t move in with him.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 05/05/2025 19:43

There's a reason he doesn't want a trial run at your place.

He wants you trapped before he reveals himself.

Don't do it.

Catchame · 05/05/2025 19:44

ChargeableHour · 05/05/2025 18:16

Your instincts are there for a reason

It's not even instincts. It's just literally hearing what he said and realising that you should run a mile.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2025 19:45

He said he ended that relationship as they weren’t compatible and says he is really happy with me and I’m everything he’s wanted.

But is he everything you've ever wanted?!

I would never buy a house with someone I hadn't already lived with. I would put the brakes on now and tell him you are worried that you are not going to be compatible and that he'll expect you to do all the chores.

Deckings · 05/05/2025 19:46

You would want to be out of your mind to continue with this.

I bet the ex was allergic to him and got rid of him.
He doesn't want you finding out what a total loser he is.
Hence he wants you to buy.

Your gut is warning you to protect you from this waster.

Listen to it. You will bitterly regret not doing so.

Oh and you are definitely being used.
He wants to move out of home.
Needs to share the cost.
Want a skivvy and sex on tap.
🤢🤮
Sorry OP, he thinks you are dim.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 05/05/2025 19:47

I think that a couple of hours of 'solid housework' a day is pretty good actually.

I would buy one of those plastic tub things of 'Heroes' and let him chose any TWO of his favorites when he has finished - as his 'reward'.

MoominMai · 05/05/2025 19:48

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2025 19:45

He said he ended that relationship as they weren’t compatible and says he is really happy with me and I’m everything he’s wanted.

But is he everything you've ever wanted?!

I would never buy a house with someone I hadn't already lived with. I would put the brakes on now and tell him you are worried that you are not going to be compatible and that he'll expect you to do all the chores.

Very true. My ex said exactly the same thing and I realised it was all one way. He wouldn’t agree to rent and beforehand and even though we’d been together 2 years, I have fallen foul of men so many times that I couldn’t bring myself to sell up my hard worked for detached home in a beautiful safe area to set up with him. My stomach churned every time he asked. In the end I had to end the relationship as he kept saying it was a deal breaker for him so be it I thought 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Holly9 · 05/05/2025 19:48

MorphandMindy · 05/05/2025 19:23

How does he act when he comes to yours, OP? Does he see the butter/oil/salt and pepper sitting out after you've eaten and put it away? Does he set the table, or give it a wipe down after eating? If you are washing pots after cooking, does he grab a tea towel and dry while you wash?

Or does he sit on his phone while you do these things?

They are not much, but they indicate a level of proactiveness and initiative and ownership when it comes to routine household tasks. Honestly, I find that if I have any female mum friend round my house for takeaway on a Saturday, she's likely to do any of the above because she's so used to mucking in. (DH, I have to admit, does not wipe surfaces EVER but he is always first on his feet to help put things away and loves to stack a dishwasher.)

Also: How does he leave the bathroom sink and toilet after he has stayed over? Has he ever asked where the cleaning spray is kept?

Just something to think about and watch for...

No issues at mine, he does muck in with drying up etc and no mess in the bathroom which is why I was so surprised when he made the comments.

OP posts:
nomas · 05/05/2025 19:50

He made the comments so he can say ‘I told you I don’t do housework’ when you move in together.

Away2000 · 05/05/2025 19:50

Staying over for a couple of days and holidays are not representative of what it’s like living with someone. I’d rather risk housing prices going up while doing trial 6 months living together before buying a house, than jump into buying a house with someone that might be awful to live with.