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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Worried I’m about to move in with a cocklodger

278 replies

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 18:12

DP and I are currently house hunting. We’ve had a few conversations around chores etc and some of the stuff he came out with last night has really worried me. For example with his ex he said she done the bulk of the chores but on occasion he’d do a couple hours of solid housework and he’d get ‘rewarded’ at the end 😷I asked if he was joking and he said he was being serious…

Is it wrong or me to reconsider…

OP posts:
Lollipop81 · 06/05/2025 19:50

Eugh!! Thanks for clarifying, going off the subject slightly what is it with rimming. Porn has got a lot to answer for couldn’t think of anything more disgusting not to mention the diseases you could catch 🤮 anyway back to the subject 😅 is he being serious. If so it doesn’t sound good. I would definitely trial living with him before you make the commitment of buying.

GG1986 · 06/05/2025 21:32

I moved in with my ex after about a year and he literally expected me to do his ironing, make his sandwiches for work, drop him off and pick him up from the pub every week, cook, clean etc, even though I was also working full time and had never lived away from home, because that's what his ex was like. Relationship lasted another year or so and I dumped him, he was a massive red flag, but I was so young I couldn't see it at the time. Think things through as it will be very hard to change a man that already thinks this way.

Letstrythatagaineh · 06/05/2025 22:39

Holly9 · 05/05/2025 18:37

Buy

Oh good grief

SerialChillers · 06/05/2025 22:59

Who are the 1% of people who voted in favour of this scumbag’s behaviour?!

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 06/05/2025 23:29

Love the descrrption Cocklodger.

Genuinely laughed out loud
Ho ho ho.

Very apt, because that's exactly that is what he could turn out to be.

With nobs on Ha ha.

Apologies for the terrible pun. Could not resist.

This bloke does not sound a good bet for the long haul And looks as though he will not change any time soon. Ditch him Babe.

He has old fashioned MCP, Male Chauvinist Pig Values.

Unfortunately that's men for you

Good Luck
🤞👍👑😻
Xxx

2JFDIYOLO · 07/05/2025 00:27

Low-value high-demand men are not worth it.

scotvic · 07/05/2025 02:08

Don’t do it! Surely you’ve read enough Mumsnet to know how badly this will turn out! The guy has literally told you he is sexist and selfish, demanding and lazy - he is not husband or father material and these men don’t change. Protect your own financial independence,

laraitopbanana · 07/05/2025 07:12

SerialChillers · 06/05/2025 22:59

Who are the 1% of people who voted in favour of this scumbag’s behaviour?!

His target.

LalaPaloosa2024 · 07/05/2025 08:09

Run. Now.

trust me. As a survivor of a cock lodger that I had to pay £100k to escape, do not go down that path.

Ilovecleaning · 07/05/2025 08:40

This conversation would not be necessary with a decent man. A decent man just cracks on and gets jobs done and his partner would do the same.
First, stop house hunting/looking on Rightmove. Don’t mention houses until he does (if he does - perhaps you’re doing all the looking?)
Meanwhile, reassess: listen to what he says, what he does with different ears and eyes. While you are in your own place and he stays over a couple of nights you are safe from making a huge mistake.
I haven’t read the full thread yet, but I will now. I’m interested in your updates.

Ilovecleaning · 07/05/2025 08:47

I’ve read all your posts, OP. He’s n his 30s and so far he’s lodged with his ex and now he’s lodging with his parents? He’s in his 30s for goodness sake. And he only sees you a couple of times a week? He’s after a meal ticket and his name on a house.
Tread carefully. I’ve known his type before. Take care and good luck 🌺

Ilovecleaning · 07/05/2025 08:48

SerialChillers · 06/05/2025 22:59

Who are the 1% of people who voted in favour of this scumbag’s behaviour?!

lol - that’s what I thought!

ShieldMaiden8 · 07/05/2025 08:49

It’s such a huge commitment to buy together. A few days awake he’s going to be on guest behaviour with you and you won’t see his true habit.

His ex sounds like an idiot if she honestly had to do sexual favours just for help around the house. That’s a massive red flag for me right there.

Londontown12 · 07/05/2025 09:09

Sounds like a man baby !
my son has had to move home !
He is early 20s and he does all his own grocery shopping cooking and washing !
At 30 he should be a bit more independent !
He wants to buy a house so u be stuck with him ! As for the anal comment he sounds horrible x

Holly9 · 07/05/2025 09:45

I’ve taken stock of all the replies and spoke to him last night. I’ve said I want to park any idea of us moving out together but said I’d be willing for him to move in with me on the basis he is fully aware chores are to be shared and he pulls his weight. If that goes well then down the line, I’d consider looking at buying somewhere. He says he is going to think about it…

He also said the sexual comment was a joke which he made when he was tipsy to see how I’d react and that ‘obviously his ex didn’t do that’

OP posts:
MackenCheese · 07/05/2025 09:50

Of course he's lying. No one says things like that as a joke, to "see how you'd react". I can tell that you love him, but please wake up and get him in the bin!

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 07/05/2025 09:51

With regards to your update OP I think you are going to regret even letting him move in with you - he may do chores for a while but when you buy I think he will show his true colours

WaitWhatWhatWait · 07/05/2025 10:17

Well done on setting your expectations @Holly9.
As for his ...see how I’d react... that's bullshit 😒 If you'd reacted by saying... oh, of course darling! ... do you think he'd have told you he was joking and absolutely didn't expect that, and he would pull his own weight like a grown adult? Not at all!

PsychoHotSauce · 07/05/2025 10:21

Why did he need to see how you'd react, unless he was testing the waters to see what he can get away with re pulling his weight?

I do love when these men tell on themselves and don't even realise.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 07/05/2025 10:27

Similar thread on here recently the OP let him move in.
He did zero to help, in fact he made a mess constantly. Invited his friends round who made even more of a mess.
Never cooked (I don’t want to ruin your kitchen) and then moaned about what she cooked.
He became verbally abusive in the end, drunk, and she she…
Left him in her home and went to stay with her friend!
If he’s not responsible in his 30’s he’s not going to be.

Trickabrick · 07/05/2025 10:27

I’d tell him not to waste any time thinking about it (like he’s assessing if he’s doing you a favour??!!) and tell him the offer is withdrawn. Throw this one back OP, no decent partner needs to ponder whether they’re prepared to pull their weight!

2JFDIYOLO · 07/05/2025 10:27

said I’d be willing for him to move in with me on the basis he is fully aware chores are to be shared and he pulls his weight. If that goes well then down the line, I’d consider looking at buying somewhere. He says he is going to think about it…

He's going to think about it ... ?

Consider the possibility of perhaps thinking about pulling his weight?

Here is a forecast, OP. This is what is going to happen:

He'll be on best guest behaviour, because his goal is to get himself permanently under your roof.

He'll be treading very carefully.

Because you've now basically promised him that if he does this, he's in.

A few months / years down the line, he'll move in with you.

For a while he might behave himself. To secure his position.

And then ... It will start.

And you'll be here, OP, sadly typing that you don't understand what's happened, where it's all gone wrong, why he's behaving like this ...?

Here's the answer ready for you to take away and look at:

Because this is his true nature.

What he's really like when the mask's off because he feels secure that he's got so far into it that extricating him will be incredibly difficult.

And if you marry, you can wave goodbye to house, money, pension.

Think of this post like a time travel glimpse into your future if you do that.

Gundogday · 07/05/2025 10:30

Ilovecleaning · 07/05/2025 08:47

I’ve read all your posts, OP. He’s n his 30s and so far he’s lodged with his ex and now he’s lodging with his parents? He’s in his 30s for goodness sake. And he only sees you a couple of times a week? He’s after a meal ticket and his name on a house.
Tread carefully. I’ve known his type before. Take care and good luck 🌺

Yes!

Gundogday · 07/05/2025 10:32

Holly9 · 07/05/2025 09:45

I’ve taken stock of all the replies and spoke to him last night. I’ve said I want to park any idea of us moving out together but said I’d be willing for him to move in with me on the basis he is fully aware chores are to be shared and he pulls his weight. If that goes well then down the line, I’d consider looking at buying somewhere. He says he is going to think about it…

He also said the sexual comment was a joke which he made when he was tipsy to see how I’d react and that ‘obviously his ex didn’t do that’

Well done and good move. Definitely a good decision.

It’s really refreshing to see someone take ownership of the situation, rather than being sucked into something they maybe regret later.

KAT0779 · 07/05/2025 11:05

100% cocklodger. Lived with ex in her house then lived with parents. Expects to be "rewarded" for doing chores. Not sure what kind of reward this is but if its the kind of reward I think then even worse. I think by asking the question on mumsnet you probably know the answer already.

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