To think it's normal for post-pubescent children to not want to holiday with their parents?

[JamieCannister]

I understand that everyone is different, and that there is no right or wrong. But, am I being unreasonable to suggest that it is perfectly normal, by the age of circa 13 to 16, dependent on the individual, to NOT want to go on holiday with your parents / siblings ever again?

You ARE being unreasonable - people who hit adolescence and want to avoid holidays with their parents are weirdos or anti-social (or are victims of deeply abusive families).

You ARE NOT being unreasonable - it is perfectly normal to hit adolescence and want to live your own life with your own friends and not be forced to spend a week or two solid with your parents or siblings ever again.

Perhaps real world interactions are much more important than online interactions, and by definition you are missing out on friends and boy/girlfriend if you are only in contact online?

I quite EXPRESSLY said it is normal to want to get a free holiday and spend time with parents as a teenager. My point is that it is also normal to not want to.

I personally don’t know any teens who would so desperately miss 1-2 weeks a year of real life interaction with friends/boyfriends/girlfriends that it would mean they wouldn’t want to go on holiday.
You are very adamant that you are correct, however, which begs the question, why post?

Surely this comes down to relationship rather than age? Currently my young teens still enjoy us spending time together, but I'm aware they might not always feel like that.

In your previous post you said: Normal is to fight to grow up post-puberty, fly the nest, have fun, settle down, and then appreciate family again more when you have kids yourself.

I think that might have been common for a subset of people perhaps 50-30 years ago, but because of changes in the economy, to the opportunities young people have, and to technology, it's less common now.

If you think it's normal to both want to go on a family holiday and to not to, why do you care so much? I don't think anyone has said a teenager or young adult who wants to spend time with their friends or family is abnormal (like that's a bad thing?), just that some teenagers and young adults don't mind going on holiday with their family.

It's just weird, you seem to be gathering information in order to prove yourself right rather than being genuinely interested in anyone else's point of view.

Again, you present it as an either/or scenario. Young adults either have something better to do with their time or they choose to go on holiday with family. The clear implication being that those who choose to spend time with family are a bit sad and have nothing much going on in their own lives.

Can you not wrap your head around the idea that some young people have full and exciting lives of their own while also wanting to spend time with their parents and/or grandparents? My dd will be going on holiday with her boyfriend again this year, and is currently planning two different trips with school/uni friends. She is also applying for summer jobs on top of her existing self employment. None of that will stop her from wanting to come away with us because she actually likes her family and enjoys spending time with us.

Obviously, once she is working FT and no longer at uni, she will have less holiday time overall and she may end up making different choices, and that will be fine. But right now, she isn't coming with us because she has nothing better to do... she is never short of invitations, she simply recognises the value of balancing time with all of the different people in her life. Just as I did when I was her age.

My pre teens adore their grandparents. They also adore spending time with their friends. 2-3 weeks with grandparents a year still leaves 49-50 weeks with friends. You’re presenting it as an either/or scenario when most people manage to fit in a variety of different activities with a variety of different people. Spending a couple of weeks with grandparents a year doesn’t mean they don’t spend a lot of time with friends.

I find it interesting hearing different perspectives, and those perspectives sometimes lead me to change my mind. Or learn something tangential. This thread has emphasized to me what I suppose I already knew - kids are increasingly mollycoddled which means they are less keen to fly the nest / do their own thing compared to what I was like in the late 80s. I am as guilty of mollycoddling as the next person, I am not having a go, I am guilty too.

I am almost certain my son will want to come on holiday with us for at least a few more years than I did with my parents - and that is in part because we are less strict and petty, and partly because we are too soft, and partly because he is much less independent than I was at his age.

I think it is both, but I certainly think that post-puberty is when kids (should) start to grow up, and want independence, and want a girl/boyfriend and start getting ready for being independent adults. Staying home alone is a perfect first "test run" of living apart from parents.

why do you care so much? I don't think anyone has said a teenager or young adult who wants to spend time with their friends or family is abnormal.

I don't care "so much", I am interested, not least because of all the stories I see on here of parents with kids aged 18-23 going on holiday with them, when my experience was so different - I was begging to stay home aged 14/15. And I lived in a village, and needed to get on a bike and cycle 10 miles to see friends if my parents weren't around to give me lifts!!!! It is fascinating how quickly things change and the next generation is so different.

You have on one hand said you are not making any claim about what is best and then on the other hand use phrases like

"people who hit adolescence and want to avoid holidays with their parents are weirdos or anti-social (or are victims of deeply abusive families)."

That is clearly attempting to influence the vote and to me screams that you are clearly either controlling, projecting or just have some issues yourself.

There are perfectly valid reasons for wanting to avoid a holiday with parents without being a weirdo or victim of abuse.

Personally I would say the majority of kids that age would still want to holiday with parents but there will be a large minority who wont want to and it doesnt make them weird.

Maybe you are right, I don't think so, but maybe you are.

And going on holiday with parents for a couple of weeks a year doesn’t prevent any of those things from happening. Again, not an either/or scenario.
I went on holiday with my parents throughout my teens. I was still independent, had boyfriends, spent a lot of time with friends, went on holiday with friends, got myself to/from places alone, moved 4 hours away for uni and spent a year abroad aged 20. I managed all those things despite spending 2 weeks a year on holiday with my parents.

You are presenting it as an either or, not me. Kids can spend huge amounts of time with family, whilst never going on holiday with them. I never once went on holiday with my grandad, but I saw him pretty much every day of my life (apart from when I was on holiday!!) as a kid. I saw my parents day in day out 50 weeks of the year, why did I need to be with them 24/7the last two weeks of the year?

I definitely went through a phase of not wanting to go with them aged 14/15/16 (in the mid/late 90s), because I wanted to be with my friends and boyfriend. I can't imagine two weeks in Cornwall with just your parents for company (no siblings) would appeal to many teenagers. I remember spending a lot of one holiday when I was 15 in the public phone box near the campsite on the phone to my then boyfriend, and generally being very sulky on day trips with my walkman constantly attached to my ears 😂

But I soon got over it and holidayed with them until I was about 25 and living with my partner.

I grew up at a similar time to you and I went on holiday with parents aged 18-23. And with friends. And with my boyfriend. The more holidays the better.

Yes, teens are "younger" now. The school leaving age is higher, child labour laws are stricter, and parents are expected to be more involved with their children.

You didn’t need to be. But equally spending 2 weeks with them doesn’t mean you don’t also have friends/boyfriends/girlfriends/hobbies 🤷🏻‍♀️.

for me it wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to go on holiday with my family (I did until I was 18 and still do occasionally) it was the allure of staying home alone - empty house, get up when I what, eat what I want, friends over, parties. I think it’s normal for that to be appealing to a teen without them hating their parents!

@JamieCannister

You seem very adamant that every teen should^^ want specific things that you did at a particular age- a partner, want to live alone, not spend time with family.

The reality is that they are all different and have different wants and desires. Many enjoy spending time with both friends and family. Ime a lot are perfectly happy without a boyfriend/girlfriend!

I'm all for encouraging independence, but I'm not sure why you're so desperate to impose your vision of what teens 'should' want on them.

Many young adults now have poorer wages and higher housing / living costs relative to wages than many of us did in the last (eg Gen X). When I was 19-21, at university with a part time and holiday jobs, I could afford a good holiday with friends / boyfriend, got a graduate job and could afford decent, shared housing and annual holiday.

Holidays are better than when I was young - couple of weeks somewhere hot with a pool and beach v spent in a caravan in the UK in the rain. No wonder my dc still want to go.

I knew it 😅 just trying to fit people's responses into your own opinion

Maybe lots of kids like their parents more than you did, maybe they are more mature than you were and enjoy spending time with their families.

I grew up in the early 70s and literally didn't know a single person who opted out of family holidays.

Perhaps your child is a different personality to you and enjoys family time. Please don't undermine your child's self esteem by disapproving of that.

No, I don’t think it’s normal for a child to hit 13 and not want to ever go away on holiday with their family ever again.

I think it’s normal for teenagers to get in a grumpy hormonal mood about lots of things. I think its normal for them to not want to do things with younger siblings or to be away from home missing out on seeing friends.

But I think a child who never wants to go away with their family on holiday ever again at 13 probably is struggling with not a very happy family dynamic or something else going on. Never ever wanting to do something ever again is not the same as being hormonal and grumpy.

I went away on holiday with my family until I was probably 21 and it was great. I have a young teen and she is definitely planning future family holidays already to places she wants to go. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t get in a mood about putting her shoes on to get out the door some days. But I would definitely be concerned about her if she suddenly decided she never wanted to go on holiday with us again. It would be a sign that something about those holidays was pretty unhappy.

The thing is, all families are different. I was a teen in the late 80s. Very independent - I lived alone on the other side of the world for a year at 18 - but I still enjoyed spending time with my parents and happily went on holiday with them. I wasn't ever mollycoddled, I don't think, but I was always treated with respect and I didn't ever feel as if I had to push back against my parents in order to get them to recognise that I was growing up. I never saw them as strict or petty in any way, so maybe that's why I was happy to spend time with them.

My dd is every bit as independent as I was at her age. She doesn't spend time with us because she lacks independence. She spends time with us because she enjoys the mutually respectful and supportive relationship that we have with each other.