To think it's normal for post-pubescent children to not want to holiday with their parents?

[JamieCannister]

I understand that everyone is different, and that there is no right or wrong. But, am I being unreasonable to suggest that it is perfectly normal, by the age of circa 13 to 16, dependent on the individual, to NOT want to go on holiday with your parents / siblings ever again?

You ARE being unreasonable - people who hit adolescence and want to avoid holidays with their parents are weirdos or anti-social (or are victims of deeply abusive families).

You ARE NOT being unreasonable - it is perfectly normal to hit adolescence and want to live your own life with your own friends and not be forced to spend a week or two solid with your parents or siblings ever again.

I didn’t want to go on holiday with my parents at about 15- I got on well with them, but at that point my older siblings had flown the nest, and the types of holidays my parents went on were incredibly boring- to my 15 year old self. Once I got to my late teens/early twenties, I adored going on holiday with them again- I guess because at that point I was living away from them, and it felt lovely to go back to that dynamic again, plus we got on great, and since I was working I was happier to have a more relaxed, chilled holiday anyway. don’t think a brief period of not wanting to go with them as a teen is indicative of much.

Nothing to do with generations being different - it's to do with individual experiences.

And maybe that's part of the problem in some cases... the teens are not getting any say in the types of holidays that their parents are choosing to go on? Our dd is always very involved in selecting the destination and deciding what the holiday should involve, so she usually quite invested in the plans. DH and I don't really like boring holidays in any case!

kids are increasingly mollycoddled which means they are less keen to fly the nest / do their own thing compared to what I was like in the late 80s

Some of that is housing costs and more time in compulsary and higher education.

Some parents do go OTT in my view and actively discourage independence but not all by any means or even most.

My teens go out more than I did as a teen but less than DH - we had very different teen parenting in 90s. IL with DH wanted a peer and actively encouraged and faciliate DH and his friends underaged drinking. He didn't work at all till p/t till he was 23 finishing his PhDand staying with parents till he got full proper job. I had summer jobs from 16. My parents were really strict older sibling rebelled I complied and frankly been more independent than siblings most of adult life.

We try and find the middle ground. Honestly both sets of parents had huge issue with us being independent adults - especially when we near 30 became parents - and then when we bought first house - all of which TBH I am hoping we can avoid with our kids.

I think you should just accept you had a shit relationship with your parents as a teen - not uncommon but not universal - and be glad it's improved with age - rather than trying to insist your dated experices in one family have some universal insight.

"Ever again" is a very long time. Even kids who do feel that way are likely to be less emphatic about it once they reach adulthood.

I went on a camping holiday with siblings in my late teens and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Have since been on short holidays with my bachelor brother, sharing a holiday cottage etc. More fun than going on my own and he feels the same way.

My parents were never much interested in holidays or travel but did share various day excursions with their adult kids.

I just wonder what teens are expected to do if not on holiday with families.
I wasn't raised to be the "more around the streets with friends achieving nothing and probably getting tangled up in gossip, smoking and drinking" type teen and have no intent to let my children become that either. Neither do I see many of my friends' teens be that way.

Friendships are important to teens but just letting them mope is surely unhelpful? Special interest courses like music, dance, sport etc make sense if they have a serious hobby as does meeting with friends regularly but letting them mope around for weeks on end doing nothing? Not a chance.

In our case holidays are generally an opportunity to connect with family living abroad so I can't see letting them off that just to stay home and mope.
Both DH and I enjoy nature, museums, activities of all kinds and so far our kids do too. I hope they continue to be like that.

My kids are now 17, 24 and 27 and we absolutely love all going on holiday together and always have done. We have the best time. Even when they were early teens they always jumped at the chance of a holiday. I just wish I had the money now to take them all away more often .

Can somebody tell my young adult kids who love having a paid-for holiday with us?!

I would consider it a failure of my parenting if my teen children did not want to go on holiday with me.

As regards your question whether it is ‘normal’ or not, I don’t know a single family where the teens did not go on holiday with their parents at least till 18.

Bickering and minor arguing is normal. But not to the extent that they would refuse to go on holiday with me.

My parents were terrible and I was forced to go on holiday with them every year and hated it. But that is completely a reflection on their shit parenting. My kids have been on holiday with us every single year and we have had some of the best memories of our lives. And continue to do so as they navigate University.

What is your agenda OP? With your persistence, and excessive use of capitals in your posts, you have a real point to prove here. What has triggered this?

Some kids clearly don’t like going on holiday with their parents and some do. Mine still love it, as well as going away with their own friends of course.

You seem to have a lot of emotion invested in this and I’m trying to work out why.

When people mention going away with friends, are your 15 year olds flying to majorca with mates? I'm confused.

I think maybe you just don’t really enjoy spending time with your family?

i found a lot of things cringe as a teenager but i still enjoyed family holidays. My parents were good fun and i knew this really. They made an effort to find holidays my brother and I would enjoy.

When I got to my 20s they’d book a villa for the summer and we’d go for as long as we liked, just paying for flights.

I’ve got a family of my own now, as does my brother and we still all go on holiday together. But my parents are a brilliant laugh so we all enjoy it.

Mine’s 19 and loves coming on hols with us. Had a lovely holiday earlier this year. She travels with friends, uni, working abroad too.
We have similar interests so do holidays we all enjoy. We have a city break booked next month. Lovely to spend time together. I envision her coming for foreseeable future. Tbh if my mum was taking me on an all paid for holiday I’d jump at it.

I do not have an agenda, other than perhaps to normalize the idea that it is entirely natural for teens to find their parents boring and embarassing and not want to be forced away from their friends for two weeks and into 24/7 parentsville.

[Just as it is entirely natural for kids to want a free holiday with people they love and who love them]

I will be seeing my dad later, for the 3rd time since last Thursday.

That I see my dad a lot does not mean I want to spend 24 hours straight with him, let alone two weeks, nor does it say anything about how I felt as a teenager trying to find my place in the world and explore my independence

The mollycoddling theory is weird.

Not every holiday is three weeks in Spain lying down on the beach.
Many families have more interesting/active holiday, taking into account teens interests.

Teens can get independence in many ways, it isn't stopped by going for a week somewhere with their parents.

If something I see it as a sign of healthier relationships, if parents and teens or even adult children are willing to go somewhere together.

Teens socialise online so they can still keep up with friends when away and keep up with all sm. Teens will meet other teens on holiday. We barely saw my dc when she was 17 on a cruise, she was in teen area and still keeps in touch with them. Posting pics in your cute outfit at Disneyworld/New York/Thailand etc on sm is popular with teen girls. They are usually keen to shop and try new foods/drinks - my dc sends me things off tick tok they want to get.

You kinda seem to have an agenda 😅

Mine went on holiday with friends for the first time at 16 . She still came on holiday with us that year as well, though.

But why is it so important for you to ‘normalise the ideas that it is entirely natural for teens to find their parents boring and embarassing and not want to be forced away from their friends for two weeks and into 24/7 parentsville’

Why?!

See, I don't agree with wanting to normalise the idea that it's natural for teens to find their parents boring and embarrassing. Of course, it's true that lots of teens do feel like that, but more often than not, I think that's down to parenting failures rather than any "natural" developmental stage.

Why would we want to normalise poor relationships between teens and their parents? Wouldn't it be better to encourage parents to interact with their teens in ways that promote healthy parent-child relationships that change and evolve to accommodate the teens' growing independence and maturity without compromising on closeness?

I skipped family holidays from 16 onwards but I was very much a loner. My sister took a friend instead and that suited everyone. My 14 year old is now picking and choosing what holidays to come on (she stays home with wider family oversight) but she is also very much a loner (ASD) who likes her routine.
Nothing wrong with it. My sister enjoyed family holidays until she left home and now we are all grown up we still vacation toether as a family now and then and I cope with the noise.

To add, attempting to normalise poor relationships between teens and their parents seems like a rather lazy way of letting parents off the hook.

I have to say, I think I am a pretty good parent but also good and engaging company. We do holidays that we all enjoy. We are going to NYC next week with the adult kids (20 and 22). We have always chosen to have holidays which roughly catered to all our wants and needs and liked hanging out together. It’s quality time which is harder and harder to get as they get older.

Are you worried about your kids not wanting to spend time with you in the future OP? Is this what it’s about?

Agree with this. It also depends on personalities. My early teen individuation was all about being a moody, sarcastic "existentialist". If I'd had social media, my updates from family holidays would have been wordy laments on themes of desolate hillsides, isolation within the chattering crowds, the futility of human endeavour as illustrated by ruined castles, beaches as the grave-dust of life ... etc. My family didn't find me good company 😂 The feeling was mutual.

The first time my parents left me at home during the family holiday, they probably expected me to mooch around reading Nietzsche on my own and perfecting my purple eyeshadow technique. I had a party. I was lucky the damage was superficial! It would've made for a livelier SM update, though 😏