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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't work full time

165 replies

Badger222 · 04/05/2025 21:28

Need some advice...
Since having kids I have mainly been working 4 days a week and my husband 5 days a week. Since both children started school, I have always used my day off for housework, household admin etc.

Sadly our youngest child was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, and after that I temporary dropped my hours and my husband went down to 4 days to help with her care. My parents have kindly been funding the gap in our income.

My daughter is now been in remission a long time and I have gone back to 4 days a week. However my husband refuses to go back to full-time hours as says he finds his job too stressful and doesn't think he will cope (despite my suggestion that he pick up a different type of work on the 5th day and work a shorter day). My parents in the meantime are continuing to fund him being part time but are getting rather fed up of this. My husband doesn't take any accountability for the household finances and can't see how much we would struggle if their help suddenly stopped.

I should add that my husband does absolutely nothing on his day off (though he helps with childcare at the weekend). I do all the housework, cooking, washing up, financial/household/school admin, overseeing homework etc, as well as dealing with my daughter's ongoing medical issues (this has been a long term source of arguments). I also struggle with chronic fatigue. I have thought about going up to full-time hours myself to make ends meet but really don't think I could manage with everything else I do at home.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NoodleNuts · 04/05/2025 21:36

Your parents needs to stop funding anything and at least one of you needs to work full-time. If that turns out to be you then your husand needs to start pulling his weight more at home.

PonyPatter44 · 04/05/2025 21:38

Im very glad your DD is in remission. This must have been a very tough few years.

your DH sounds quite pathetic. I wonder what would happen if your parents stopped funding you? Would your parents give you the money on the quiet, and tell your DH that they can't fund your lifestyle any more.

Whaleandsnail6 · 04/05/2025 21:41

There needs to be a clear conversation.

Put an end date on your family helping with finances, one of you needs to increase your hours.

I dont think that should necessarily be your husband, it just has to be one of you but whoever has the "day off" needs to pick up a certain amount of household chores/appointments whilst the other is at work and the rest split evenly over the weekend.

You can't be expected to work 5 days and him do none of the household stuff.

Likewise, I don't think its fair that its a given he is the one to work the extra day if he is willing to pick up more home stuff, without a conversation.

Not sure what you do if neither of you want the extra work day tho but clearly one of you has to.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/05/2025 21:49

I am really happy your child is in remission from cancer. That must have been very traumatic for her.

However, I think it is a bit hypocritical to demand a partner work full time when you also refuse to work full time. I think your parents are tired of funding both of you. Time for you both to get full time work.

notatinydancer · 05/05/2025 07:43

Sounds like you both need to be FT

Sofiewoo · 05/05/2025 07:45

Neither of you are willing to work full time. How embarrassing for you as a couple to continue to take handouts from your parents when you are both unwilling to manage your family finances.

rwalker · 05/05/2025 07:48

I do t think you can demand he works FT when u don’t yourself
however your parents need to stop bankrolling you and you need to share running the house

purplepenguindancing · 05/05/2025 07:48

I understand your DH not wanting to work full time but expecting your parents to fund it is quite pathetic. Does he really think that’s ok? It would be a massive turn off for me.

I think you need to sit down and look at your budget and work out what is actually financially viable, as well as a fair way to split household chores. If you need more money then one of you will have to work full time but it shouldn’t necessarily be him if he’s willing to pick up more of the housework.

Martymcfly24 · 05/05/2025 07:49

You both need to work full time if your wages mean that one day less each means there is a large enough deficit that your parents need to subsidise you.

I understand about your fatigue but there must be quite a large shortfall between income and outgoings to need support .

elladella · 05/05/2025 07:51

I'm glad your DC is in remission.

Your parents need to stop funding you asap. If you can't survive or 2 x 4 day salaries then perhaps you should both go full time?

APSSucks · 05/05/2025 07:52

can you look at your budget and expenses, to see whether there is a way to cut you income "needs" down to what you are bringing in from your work? Appreciate its not easy with multiple children but if you have had a hard few years you might well have spent on easy/expensive stuff which you could review now life is not so hard.

TreesOfGreen99 · 05/05/2025 07:52

Either you jointly work enough to fund your current lifestyle, or you change your lifestyle to fit your budget of both working 4 days.
🤷‍♀️

user8636283907 · 05/05/2025 07:52

Why don't you work 5 days a week?

EleanorReally · 05/05/2025 07:54

i would refuse your parents money now
sit down with dh and talk about finances

ForFunGoose · 05/05/2025 07:55

Do your parents have this disposable income to help. I would be very grateful for this as a family but it’s not up to them how the money is spent. If they no longer want to provide they should stop shaming your husband is not acceptable.

beAsensible1 · 05/05/2025 07:55

Come on OP why is more valid for you to work 4 days rather than him.

the housework and life admin need to be shared regardless and you need to be firm and both sit down and share out duties.

you both need to adult up and take financial responsibility for your family, household and children. It’s not on him alone.

either find news jobs that don’t cause fatigue or stress or both go back so it’s fair. But deciding unilaterally that it has to be him and not you isn’t right.

BCBird · 05/05/2025 07:55

I am glad your child is in remission OP. I think you need to accept your parents are funding you both to work part- time not just your husband. This hand out needs to stop. If you cannot afford to both work part-time then a serious conversation needs to be had. Do u both go back to fill-time? One of you? If so, which one? What will the one who is part-time do ?

SunnieShine · 05/05/2025 07:56

rwalker · 05/05/2025 07:48

I do t think you can demand he works FT when u don’t yourself
however your parents need to stop bankrolling you and you need to share running the house

She does everything in the home on her day off, he does nothing.

ReplacementBusService · 05/05/2025 07:56

Stop taking the money from your parents. Have a frank conversation. Maybe you can join together for some side hustle and neither of you has to be full time employees, but clearly you need some more income, and he needs to be persuaded that housework is work and it needs to be shared.

All sounds simple, but the only bit that will be is you stopping taking the money from your parents. Go from there....

SilverButton · 05/05/2025 07:56

I agree with pp. Your parents need to stop the additional funding and you both need to go back to work FT. Come up with a rota for the housework as he needs to do his fair share.

Barney16 · 05/05/2025 07:57

Either you reduce your outgoings so you can manage on part time money or one or both of you go back full time. It doesn't have to be your husband but if you go back full-time then chores need reassigning. If I was you I would look for full time and leave him with the domestic tasks because I find it easier and more interesting to be at work than doing home stuff. I can see why your parents are getting a bit miffed so something needs to be done. Are you paying them back? That may focus his mind a bit more.

Dreco · 05/05/2025 07:57

I agree with you OP, it should be your husband working full time. He does nothing on his days off and this won’t change if you go full time. He goes full time and you continue to do the house stuff

beAsensible1 · 05/05/2025 07:58

The house work is a red herring. Doing house work one day doesn’t mean you are entitled to work PT more than him. He needs to be doing it wether he works FT or not.

Acornacorn · 05/05/2025 07:59

Perhaps your daughter’s cancer has made your husband realise there’s more to life than work and he’d rather be more present for his family. I think both people working 4 days a week is an ideal set up for a family. But only if you can cut your cloth to afford it. It’s unclear if your parents’ money is essential to supporting you or not. Either way, it needs to stop: I’d be embarrassed to keep on taking their money. It’s for you two to work out the lifestyle you want to live and how you will find it between you.

LilMagpie · 05/05/2025 07:59

I agree with others. Sounds like you both need to be full time at the moment if your budget is so tight that you need outside help from your parents.
Can you or your husband increase the length of your work days so you still get a day off?

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