Husband won't work full time

[Badger222]

Need some advice...
Since having kids I have mainly been working 4 days a week and my husband 5 days a week. Since both children started school, I have always used my day off for housework, household admin etc.

Sadly our youngest child was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, and after that I temporary dropped my hours and my husband went down to 4 days to help with her care. My parents have kindly been funding the gap in our income.

My daughter is now been in remission a long time and I have gone back to 4 days a week. However my husband refuses to go back to full-time hours as says he finds his job too stressful and doesn't think he will cope (despite my suggestion that he pick up a different type of work on the 5th day and work a shorter day). My parents in the meantime are continuing to fund him being part time but are getting rather fed up of this. My husband doesn't take any accountability for the household finances and can't see how much we would struggle if their help suddenly stopped.

I should add that my husband does absolutely nothing on his day off (though he helps with childcare at the weekend). I do all the housework, cooking, washing up, financial/household/school admin, overseeing homework etc, as well as dealing with my daughter's ongoing medical issues (this has been a long term source of arguments). I also struggle with chronic fatigue. I have thought about going up to full-time hours myself to make ends meet but really don't think I could manage with everything else I do at home.

AIBU?

“He helps with childcare at the weekend”

This is your problem, he’s not “adulting” or parenting, he’s just an observer. Kick him into touch.

If I was either of your parents I'd stop paying immediately. This is really taking the piss.
I paid my DS and DiLs mortgage for a while after they were both made redundant but they worked incredibly hard to get new jobs quickly and certainly didn't lounge around doing nothing. Your husband has a nerve.

Tell him you'll agree to him going part-time if that means he'll start doing all of the housework to allow you to work full time. And that he'll have to prove his willingness to do this by actually doing the housework on his own for 5 months before you'll agree to this arrangement.

Hi going against the grain here but if op has chronic fatigue and doing everything in the house I absolutely think her DH should be the one to go back full time.
I would stop financial help as it will be damaging your relationship with your parents.
Re working I would give him the choice either he works fulltime or he takes over all the cooking and admin. If he opts for the latter you will have to stop doing anything and let things collapse which is very hard to do. I would also have an agreement in place to review after two months if hes taking over cooking and admin and if hes succeeding only then will you increase to 5 days. I have a strong suspician he will do nothing.

People saying you should both go back and things should be split is great in theory but we all know one partner (often but not always the woman) ends up doing all the organisation which keeps the family together. Dont do everything op.

Yes but it’s seperate issue. She didn’t go part time to do house work. And the house work can be shared, she just need to force the issue. The reality is If she didn’t have the housework as a reason there would be no more argument about who needs to go full/part time.

they made the family together, they need to support it together. This includes working and managing the household duties. You cannot force someone to work more because you clean the house on your day off.

Can you both look for work in sectors with four-day weeks? There are quite a few companies now with flexible working policies and four-day weeks, without losing pay. If you both worked opposite days “off”, that gives two whole weekdays for household stuff – your husband HAS to step up though – leaving weekends free for fun.

I don’t think your part-time, where you pull your weight in the home, is the same as his part-time. I also don’t think either of you has to work FT: but you both have to earn enough to fund your lives without parental support. Depending on your earning potential and outgoings, maybe that’s FT, maybe it’s a four-day week with no loss of pay, maybe it’s compressed hours. At the moment, though, you’re not quite there.

He has no motivation to stop because he doesn’t see any of the issues as his problem. If your parents take away the finances and you hold him accountable for stepping up around the house, then perhaps he’ll find the motivation as they’ll both become his problem. Have your parents challenged him directly about the fact they are financing his choices? I’d like to think if they did and explained it won’t last forever he would be ashamed enough to reconsider his position.

Glad to hear your daughter is in remission. Why does he have to work full time but not you though? This does seem rather hypocritical

Call his bluff. Ok k will work FT, you continue on 4 days but you need to do the housework on the day off you have as I do now, that’s the ONLY way this will work and my parents will be making their last payment on 25th May so you have between now and then to make a decision.

I’ve done the doing everything and reach a point where you think I’m doing everything alone, I might as well just be alone

Why does it need to be him who works full time rather than you?

Your parents need to stop plugging the gap in your finances though. That definitely shouldn't be an ongoing thing.

Sorry to hear about your daughter, I hope she's doing well xx

Thanks everyone for your comments. It really helps to see both sides of it as I want to be more understanding of his perspective .
I did try working full-time with kids in the past but really struggled and it made me pretty ill, hence my drop to 4 days. My parents have actually said that they are completely against me going back to full-time as they also feel my health isn't good enough.
I have struggled to get my husband to do his fair share of the housework for years to no avail, and it has put an enormous strain on our marriage. Unfortunately I don't think that will ever change regardless of how many hours I work.

What an awful thing for you to endure as a family, I’m so glad that things are now looking up for your child!

I’m aghast that your DH would refuse to work full time when he knows that as a family you are being subsidised by your parents.

That said, his mental health should of course be taken seriously. If he cannot cope with full time hours in the job he’s in, can he look for a different job? Or perhaps one where he can compress his hours into 4 days?

Can you do the FT hours and he does less but with the understanding that he does more of the household organization?
and agree with PP - your parents have been generous enough

Huh?! The op is being subsidised too and is also refusing to work full time, so surely all of these points are relevant and applicable to the OP as well as her DH.

They need to stop accepting money from her parents, adjust their costs and both work out how they are going to find themselves and what that will look like, ideally making it work that they can both stay 4 days a week perhaps looking at condensed hours to do so etc

The one working 4 days is solely responsible for cleaning the house and doing the laundry. Or other tasks equating 8h of work a week.
It could be either of you, he can choose first as you already had a chance if doing it before.
Fair?

@Badger222 YANBU!
Why aren’t people getting that OP has chronic fatigue and her parents who are the ones doing the additional funding don’t want her to go back FT because of this. OP has also even tried previously and was unable to make it work. Hence her asking her OH to now go back as he previously was.

Complete no brainer OP as the one who literally does everything to do with the house and kids, whilst managing your health condition, OH needs to step up also and go back FT.

But this is MN where being responsible for all the housework, finances, child management etc is women's work and therefore dismissed as “only takes five minutes” and where men who have never done a thing around the house can magically be made to do so.

DH either gets back to full time paid work or pulls his weight around the house. Its clear from the OP that he has never pulled his weight around the house and the OP has done the double shift for years but here, on our lovely supportive woman centred forum its DH who is hard done by and shouldn’t have to do more paid work than the OP. 🙄

OP: why are you with him? He’s a slacker who isn’t even paying attention to the basic expenses and is happy to be subsidised by your parents. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Cooking, cleaning and grafting for someone who won’t pick up his share of the load?

Because he does nothing in the home!!!!

Both myself and husband work full time. We do chores in evening and weekends. It would be nice to have a day where we do chores but if you can’t afford it then you both need to stop putting on your parents and get back to work!

This.
I don’t know many people who can afford to have a day for home admin. That’s what evenings and weekends are for.

You would be better off separating. Personally I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like him who's just ignoring you and not doing his fair share

What does he actually bring to your relationship? Won't do housework, doesn't want to work more hours despite knowing you can't because of your health. What do you get from this relationship as he doesn't sound very supportive, emotionally or financially.

My parents have actually said that they are completely against me going back to full-time as they also feel my health isn't good enough.

So you don't work full time hours because of your health, and he doesn't work full time hours because of his health?

Are you always ruled by your parents?

despite my suggestion that he pick up a different type of work on the 5th day and work a shorter day).
Why don't you pick up a different type of work on the 5th day and work a shorter day?

What do you both do for work that your income if not enough.

What money do you have coming in and going out?

Could you both work 4.5 days so it’s equal? Or look at your finances and agree that you both need to contribute X amount into the monthly pot - and then it’s up to you both individually how you do it? whether that’s doing full time hours over 4 days, or picking up some more work elsewhere. And you need to have a conversation about all the life admin and how that will be shared.

This is nuts, what kind of man wouldn't go to work to help his child with cancer?