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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't work full time

165 replies

Badger222 · 04/05/2025 21:28

Need some advice...
Since having kids I have mainly been working 4 days a week and my husband 5 days a week. Since both children started school, I have always used my day off for housework, household admin etc.

Sadly our youngest child was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, and after that I temporary dropped my hours and my husband went down to 4 days to help with her care. My parents have kindly been funding the gap in our income.

My daughter is now been in remission a long time and I have gone back to 4 days a week. However my husband refuses to go back to full-time hours as says he finds his job too stressful and doesn't think he will cope (despite my suggestion that he pick up a different type of work on the 5th day and work a shorter day). My parents in the meantime are continuing to fund him being part time but are getting rather fed up of this. My husband doesn't take any accountability for the household finances and can't see how much we would struggle if their help suddenly stopped.

I should add that my husband does absolutely nothing on his day off (though he helps with childcare at the weekend). I do all the housework, cooking, washing up, financial/household/school admin, overseeing homework etc, as well as dealing with my daughter's ongoing medical issues (this has been a long term source of arguments). I also struggle with chronic fatigue. I have thought about going up to full-time hours myself to make ends meet but really don't think I could manage with everything else I do at home.

AIBU?

OP posts:
faerietales · 05/05/2025 10:10

countingthedays945 · 05/05/2025 09:53

Both myself and husband work full time. We do chores in evening and weekends. It would be nice to have a day where we do chores but if you can’t afford it then you both need to stop putting on your parents and get back to work!

Exactly. Working a four day is a luxury and clearly neither OP or her husband can afford that luxury right now.

ragandbonewoman · 05/05/2025 10:14

”te next real “I’m a martyr” he does nothing around the house except childcare - perhaps he doesn’t give a toss that your house isn’t gleaming, but everyone is fed, alive and full of laughter, and perhaps if you just backed off one weekend and did a chickpea curry for £2, a huge caldron of vegetable soup reduced from the market, and a bag of porridge for 80p and let’s see if it’s fun or moaning and I don’t mean the moaning instigated by you”

@Fridgemanageress are you high? I can’t even work out what these random ramblings mean

Hdjdb42 · 05/05/2025 10:14

He won't step up until it affects him financially. You need to tell your parents to stop sending money. He'll soon work more hours. Cut off his safety net.

Hekett · 05/05/2025 10:16

I get it, you’ve had a rough ride and working FT with children isn’t easy.

Ideally the highest earner should be doing FT. Currently that’s me so I do 5 days and DH does 2. But he does almost all the housework and cooking in return, and I did when it was the other way round.

WFH/hybrid really helps too with life balance.

Overthebow · 05/05/2025 10:16

Badger222 · 05/05/2025 09:37

Thanks everyone for your comments. It really helps to see both sides of it as I want to be more understanding of his perspective .
I did try working full-time with kids in the past but really struggled and it made me pretty ill, hence my drop to 4 days. My parents have actually said that they are completely against me going back to full-time as they also feel my health isn't good enough.
I have struggled to get my husband to do his fair share of the housework for years to no avail, and it has put an enormous strain on our marriage. Unfortunately I don't think that will ever change regardless of how many hours I work.

Edited

It sounds like he doesn’t think he can cope with full time either. You need to have a proper conversation and work out what to do. Either you both go full time or you cut your outgoings so you can both do 4 days. One being part time only works if the other is willing. I can’t believe that you’re still accepting your parents help, fair enough when you both needed to care for your child but surely you should stop it now.

Limprichteabiscuit · 05/05/2025 10:19

Sofiewoo · 05/05/2025 07:45

Neither of you are willing to work full time. How embarrassing for you as a couple to continue to take handouts from your parents when you are both unwilling to manage your family finances.

This in spades x 10000

Fridgemanageress · 05/05/2025 10:22

ragandbonewoman · 05/05/2025 10:14

”te next real “I’m a martyr” he does nothing around the house except childcare - perhaps he doesn’t give a toss that your house isn’t gleaming, but everyone is fed, alive and full of laughter, and perhaps if you just backed off one weekend and did a chickpea curry for £2, a huge caldron of vegetable soup reduced from the market, and a bag of porridge for 80p and let’s see if it’s fun or moaning and I don’t mean the moaning instigated by you”

@Fridgemanageress are you high? I can’t even work out what these random ramblings mean

Then I’m sure you’re a delight to live with too.

Why would a woman keep taking money off their parents and lapping up “my parents don’t want me to work at all cis of my health issues” and then denigrate her husband who claims he has health issues too.

if you can’t work out that £5 of food is needed for a weekend and laughter with your family, then I feel sorry for you and your family

Dolphinnoises · 05/05/2025 10:23

beAsensible1 · 05/05/2025 08:59

Yes but it’s seperate issue. She didn’t go part time to do house work. And the house work can be shared, she just need to force the issue. The reality is If she didn’t have the housework as a reason there would be no more argument about who needs to go full/part time.

they made the family together, they need to support it together. This includes working and managing the household duties. You cannot force someone to work more because you clean the house on your day off.

Show quote history

You can’t force someone to do housework either. It’s the least forceable task in the world.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 05/05/2025 10:23

Just out of intrest, what's stopping you to work full time?

And stop talking money from your parents to finance your lifestyle!

AlanShore · 05/05/2025 10:27

throwawayforobviousreasonspleasedontdeleteme · 05/05/2025 10:06

This is nuts, what kind of man wouldn't go to work to help his child with cancer?

What kind of person won't go to work to help their child with cancer.

Yes I know he doesn't do his share of housework, but there are 2 adults here and they need to stop sponging of her parents.

faerietales · 05/05/2025 10:29

throwawayforobviousreasonspleasedontdeleteme · 05/05/2025 10:06

This is nuts, what kind of man wouldn't go to work to help his child with cancer?

Equally, what kind of woman wouldn't go to work to help her child with cancer?

Neither of them work full-time and both are relying on handouts.

CoastalCalm · 05/05/2025 10:29

Parents stop funding
Get a cleaner
Both go back to full time

You say your parents are helping him but the reality is they are helping both of you

zeibesaffron · 05/05/2025 10:30

I am so pleased your DC is in remission- it must have been an awful time for you all.

I suggest a difficult conversation with your H - split the chores/ kids stuff 50/50
Say you will stop getting payments from your parents on a certain date and because of that you now both need to work full time

itsgettingweird · 05/05/2025 10:32

Both work FT, split the jobs 50/50 and use the extra 4 days pay a month to start compensating your parents for their generosity and if they won’t take it back out it in savings as you’ve seen what can happen unexpectedly.

im really pleased your DD is doing well though.

TicTac80 · 05/05/2025 10:35

Is there a possibility for you both to do FT hours over 4 days? My DB and DSIL do this (and have different days off). It helped with childcare costs when their kids were of nursery age, but also meant that they each had a day at home to catch up on housework/life admin etc.

ForFunGoose · 05/05/2025 10:37

You shouldn’t be giving your parents a buy into your marriage. They don’t get a vote because they contribute!
Neither of ye wants to increase working hours so come up with a plan together to facilitate this.

Rewis · 05/05/2025 10:37

Have you sat down and had a discussion on what you will do financially and how you will survive when your parents stop paying? And if you were the one to go full time, what is expected from him regarding taking care of the house. All the chores you do on your "day off" that would become his responsibility.

beAsensible1 · 05/05/2025 10:37

CoastalCalm · 05/05/2025 10:29

Parents stop funding
Get a cleaner
Both go back to full time

You say your parents are helping him but the reality is they are helping both of you

They can’t afford a cleaner, they can’t even afford their current lives.

Agathamarple · 05/05/2025 10:40

I think you need to sit him down and explain that you can’t keep carrying his dead weight. List all the things you do, both financially and practically and ask him to do the same. Explain your parents will no longer bank roll him and put forward options.
Explain that if you go full time his day off will have to be housework and household admin because your health means you can’t do full time and all of the household chores.
Say he has 6 months to show he is doing that side or you will need to look at separation as this isn’t working for anyone but him.

beAsensible1 · 05/05/2025 10:40

OP your dh not pulling his weight in on housework isnt an option. Either you stop doing it or he leaves.

you cannot have a grown adult unwilling to maintain the home they live in. He’s being a dirty rat.

if your parents are happy to subsidise you but not him, maybe think about separating.
But arguing about doing housework and getting a job is ridiculous for both of you.

faerietales · 05/05/2025 10:41

ForFunGoose · 05/05/2025 10:37

You shouldn’t be giving your parents a buy into your marriage. They don’t get a vote because they contribute!
Neither of ye wants to increase working hours so come up with a plan together to facilitate this.

They don't get a vote, but they can easily just stop contributing and leave them both in the shit.

I would be mortified to be in OP's shoes. Two grown adults with two children and neither of them work full-time and rely on mummy and daddy to pay their bills.

Limprichteabiscuit · 05/05/2025 10:51

I’d be too embarrassed even on an anonymous online forum- to publicly admit I was taking monthly handouts from my parents as an adult.
Work FT/ don’t work FT but cut your cloth accordingly and budget like normal adults.
Is it your intention to repay them? if not you and lazy bollocks are a pair of total spongers.

User5274959 · 05/05/2025 10:53

Your poor parents!
It's lovely they helped you when your child was ill but now the two of you are taking the piss.

RickiRaccoon · 05/05/2025 10:57

You say DH "can't see how much we would struggle if their help suddenly stopped". I'd add some urgency to the situation and let him see by telling your parents to end the support.

Then have an honest sit-down in light of the support ending. You could offer to do 5 days' work contingent on DH picking up the day of housework. (Consider if a 5th day at work is really more exhausting than a day of housework, depending what you do.) Otherwise, someone needs to find a higher paying job. You can work out who has the best prospect for that. Or you need a cheaper living arrangement and might need to move to a smaller house or town. There's options to explore.

NotMeekNotObedient · 05/05/2025 11:00

9 day fortnight for you both. With the expectation that certain things are done in that time. Seems fairest.