Husband won't work full time

[Badger222]

Need some advice...
Since having kids I have mainly been working 4 days a week and my husband 5 days a week. Since both children started school, I have always used my day off for housework, household admin etc.

Sadly our youngest child was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, and after that I temporary dropped my hours and my husband went down to 4 days to help with her care. My parents have kindly been funding the gap in our income.

My daughter is now been in remission a long time and I have gone back to 4 days a week. However my husband refuses to go back to full-time hours as says he finds his job too stressful and doesn't think he will cope (despite my suggestion that he pick up a different type of work on the 5th day and work a shorter day). My parents in the meantime are continuing to fund him being part time but are getting rather fed up of this. My husband doesn't take any accountability for the household finances and can't see how much we would struggle if their help suddenly stopped.

I should add that my husband does absolutely nothing on his day off (though he helps with childcare at the weekend). I do all the housework, cooking, washing up, financial/household/school admin, overseeing homework etc, as well as dealing with my daughter's ongoing medical issues (this has been a long term source of arguments). I also struggle with chronic fatigue. I have thought about going up to full-time hours myself to make ends meet but really don't think I could manage with everything else I do at home.

AIBU?

Your parents aren’t funding his part time work, they’re funding both of your part time work.
How old are your DC?
What jobs do each of you do?
Why are you allowing him to do no household jobs on his day off? just tell him - ‘right DH, you’re in charge of all the laundry plus the weekly food shop from now on’, then stop doing it yourself.

You need to have a blunt conversation. He needs to pull his weight or the partnership is no longer a partnership, and he's becoming a freeloader. He needs to change employer to somewhere he can manage. Make it clear he is taking the piss.

Have a quiet conversation with your parents and tell them to stop subsidising him. Cut out his favourite foods, stop buying alcohol, cut back on water heating Make it clear that your reduced standard of living is down to his laziness.

Either he steps up or he will find himself on his own.

you need to sit down and go through your finances with your husband to figure out how you are going to earn enough between two of you. Tell your parents to stop giving money. That will force both of you to figure it out asap.

I am glad your daughter is in remission.

I agree with previous posts, you intend to stay at 4 days so why should it be DH that has to work 5? Could you up your hours and then he will have to do the things you do on your day off? Also shouldn't these tasks be shared regardless? What is he doing on his day off while you are doing everything?

I suggest you look at your budget and work out how much you need to earn - is it the amount your parents are currently subsidising or if you make cuts can you manage with both working part time?

Housework really needs to be shared out and he needs to stop being lazy.

Do you get dla for your child and their needs?
your parents need to stop the money and then reassess the situation and decide which of u is going to work full time and housework etc

There are a couple of different issues.

If neither of you want to work full time, that’s fine but your parents can’t support you. The alternative is that you make your lifestyle match two people working part time. If he doesn’t want to downgrade his lifestyle, there’s a conversation about where the extra income will come from, who needs to work more and who needs to do more stuff at home.

Your husband isn’t pulling his weight at home with childcare or housework. You’ve had plenty of arguments about this but he isn’t getting it and isn’t taking on more. So where does that leave you? Constantly having the same argument.

I’m not sure what you’re looking for. You can’t make him work full time anymore than you can make him do more at home. So unless you’re prepared to leave him, which might be the kick up the arse he needs, downgrade your lifestyle.

have you written a proper budget showing in/out? How much do your parents subsidise a month? Could you sell your house buy something smaller and be mortgage free?

Realistically your parents won’t be here to subsidise you forever! If his parents are alive do they know your parents are propping up your family.

My son goes into year 6 in September and the agreement with my husband was part time (30 hours in a school) until yr8. Honestly I’m dreading it. But I know we will need to save lots for university costs - I want them to be able to afford to fly the nest! So I understand his and your reticence to be full time.

Have a quiet conversation with your parents and tell them to stop subsidising him. Cut out his favourite foods, stop buying alcohol, cut back on water heating Make it clear that your reduced standard of living is down to his laziness.

This doesn't make sense. The parents are subsidising all of them....

I don’t think the housework is a red herring at all. If the OP were the one to go FT, she would be working 5 days plus all housework / admin, while dealing with chronic fatigue, and the husband would be working 4 days with one day of chill. Completely unfair. If he’s not picking up any of the slack at the moment, he won’t be in the future regardless of working hours

Either you both need to go back to work full-time, or you need to adapt your lifestyle so you can afford to live on two part-time salaries.

I don’t like how you’ve framed it as your parents subsidising your DH when you don’t work full-time either. Unfortunately it’s rarely the case that parents of two children can afford not to work full-time.

You have got yourself ina pickle.

you can have chronic fatigue syndrome but he can’t.

you can’t manage on eight days money.

te next real “I’m a martyr” he does nothing around the house except childcare - perhaps he doesn’t give a toss that your house isn’t gleaming, but everyone is fed, alive and full of laughter, and perhaps if you just backed off one weekend and did a chickpea curry for £2, a huge caldron of vegetable soup reduced from the market, and a bag of porridge for 80p and let’s see if it’s fun or moaning and I don’t mean the moaning instigated by you.

nearly losing a child really knocks it out of you, it sounds like you have plenty of support and an army of willing listeners to tell you how marvellous your coping, you’ve not said one thing about he is coping except that you think he’s making his health issues up.

you need to celebrate what you have, not look for what you haven’t got

No adult needs a day off work a week to do the laundry.

Your parents need to stop the extra funding. It was a lovely thing to do whilst you deeply needed that time with your Dd, but it’s really unreasonable to keep that going now, taking advantage of their kindness.

You either need to see if you can manage on 4 days a week (without parents funding) by cutting some expenses. Or one or both of you go back to 5 days. If that’s you, your DH NEEDS to take on the whole load of what you’ve been doing at home, not just do nothing on that day. It doesn’t sound as though he’ll do that, so as you’ve said, the obvious solution is that he does the extra day. If you could manage on 4 days each with lower expenses, he equally needs to help you out with chores (as he should be doing in general anyway, but obviously with you doing more when you are the one doing less hours at work).

Very glad to hear your Dd is in remission. I can’t imagine how difficult that time must have been for you all.

You need to stop taking money from your parents first of all; once you're independent again you can work out if that's enough to live on. The easiest route would be to see what costs can be cut to live on the 8 days income each week you have. It's possible that one or both of you have some delayed shock that is making you both struggle; a GP should be able to refer you for support with this. It isn't a given that either of you is the default for housework nor for full- time work; you need to work together to find a solution.

Nobody needs a full day off each week to do housework - if they’re relying on handouts they should both be working full-time.

First of all I'm very sorry for everything you have been through with your child being ill. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been.

I think if neither of you feel able to work full time in the longer term, you will need to a) explore if there is any option for promotion or ways to boost your income so you each bring in more for your 4 days and/or b) look for ways to reduce your living costs in order to live within your means.

It's one thing for parents to help out in a crisis and quite another to expect them to continue indefinitely.

While I think some people do struggle to work full time and reducing to 4 days should be a choice a couple can make between them, this obviously needs to still cover outgoings.

The housework issue is a separate one and DH is in the wrong here. Perhaps you could look at division of tasks and responsibilities according to skills/least worst jobs for each of you? I also think it's fine for him to rest on his day off as long as he does fulfil his responsibilities throughout the week. Resting on his day off is only a problem when he isn't pulling his weight in general.

I work 4 days a week but have worked to increase earnings in order to do so. I need to rest on my day off due to disability but that rest day enables me to carry out my responsibilities the rest of the time.

You need a very honest conversation about work and housework. Either he starts pulling his weight and sharing the housework in the family home or he becomes responsible for all of it in his own house/flat after you separate because this is unsustainable. Plus school drop offs and pick ups, half the school holidays etc.

You both need to be honest, either you stay at 4 days and live within the money you earn without the handout from your parent or one or both of you needs to work 5 days a week but he doesn't get to opt out of all the housework.

Time for a brutal conversation about what he brings to the table and what needs to change.

I think having a child with cancer completely changes you as a person and it sounds like it has changed both of you. I am glad they are in remission.

OP you need to stop taking handouts from your parents.

Then you both need to have a conversation about finances.

I don't think it is unreasonable for your partner to choose to work 4 days a week when you are doing it....

You might be able to cut down on spending instead or try to both get a better paid 4 day a week job. You could also discuss a better spilt of housework and life admin.

@Acornacorn
''Perhaps your daughter’s cancer has made your husband realise there’s more to life than work and he’d rather be more present for his family''

Completely agree. Working 4 days a week is perfectly reasonable I would say.

Speak for yourself. I need a full day off each week. Plenty of people can't work full time. Even 4 days is probably too much for me but I have to do it at the moment. I do agree that this shouldn't be at the parents' expense though so if no one is genuinely able to work full time income covers outgoings.

Again, nonsense. Plenty of people do for a variety of reasons including disability.

OP does work full time - 4 days at work and every waking hour by the sounds of things running the house. Plus she has CFS, which is very difficult to manage.

I think you need to look at how you can change things to both work 4 days per week. 8 full days' income should sufficient to support everyone. I think it is sensible for all families with children.

Can you look at how expenses can be reduced? Car finance, moving to a cheaper house?

You need to let some things drop around the house. I think you need to negotiate with your DH that you will support him having a day in the week, but he needs to (at least) wash, dry and put away a load of washing that day and shop for and cook the evening meal. Plenty of time in between those tasks to have some time doing other things.

If you both want to work 4 days then you both need to figure out how to make it work without parental contribution.

I can’t work full-time either but as you say, the difference is that I’m not relying on someone to pay my bills while I take a day off to do the housework.

OP can’t argue that the DH is the one being subsidised when she is also refusing to work full-time.

I am so glad your child has recovered and can see how you both got into panic mode. But I agree you should both go full time as it sounds like your budget is too tight for your husband to solve alone. Your parents should stop giving you money today as that has gone on far too long. Sit down with your husband and look at your budget together. Then look at the things you need to do each week and work out what makes sense. Could you both do flexi hours to work full time in 4 days? My husband and I did that for years to save on childcare costs. Can someone work weekends? You might need to be a bit creative but you cannot keep taking money from your parents for an emergency once the emergency is over (and thank goodness it is over, it must have been a terrible time)