Husband won't work full time

[Badger222]

Need some advice...
Since having kids I have mainly been working 4 days a week and my husband 5 days a week. Since both children started school, I have always used my day off for housework, household admin etc.

Sadly our youngest child was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, and after that I temporary dropped my hours and my husband went down to 4 days to help with her care. My parents have kindly been funding the gap in our income.

My daughter is now been in remission a long time and I have gone back to 4 days a week. However my husband refuses to go back to full-time hours as says he finds his job too stressful and doesn't think he will cope (despite my suggestion that he pick up a different type of work on the 5th day and work a shorter day). My parents in the meantime are continuing to fund him being part time but are getting rather fed up of this. My husband doesn't take any accountability for the household finances and can't see how much we would struggle if their help suddenly stopped.

I should add that my husband does absolutely nothing on his day off (though he helps with childcare at the weekend). I do all the housework, cooking, washing up, financial/household/school admin, overseeing homework etc, as well as dealing with my daughter's ongoing medical issues (this has been a long term source of arguments). I also struggle with chronic fatigue. I have thought about going up to full-time hours myself to make ends meet but really don't think I could manage with everything else I do at home.

AIBU?

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I keep suggesting to him that he finds a new job, but he won't take the initiative.
An advantage of him working a 5th day is that he could experiment with doing private work, which could allow him to transition away from his stressful day job and could earn him more money on less hours over the long term. But I struggle to get him to see this 😔

This poster has been spamming their “side hustle” on several threads - suggest you avoid or at least ask MN to check if they have approved the advertising.

How many more threads will you be spamming today?

if he has different standards is it possible to adjust or his jobs be the ones that are objective in always needing doing. Ie weekly/monthly shop, laundry, dishes and appointments?

and yours more nebulous like hoovering putting dishes away etc?

BUT if he won’t clean or be involved in the health of your children what’s the point of him?

You’ve spammed at least ten threads with your “side hustle” in the last hour or so.

If you want to push an MLM there is an entire topic devoted to them.

He feels too stressed to work five days.
He coped with four If you felt stressed
and knew you couldn't do five hopefully your husband would accept that Don't push him further than he can cope with just my opinion

This is very clearly a multi level marketing scheme. This poster will be making money off OP if OP joins up as a 'downline'. You won't make any money and will likely lose money paying upfront for the 'tools and training'.

That info call will be heavy sales pressure.

Making money by joining a forum (never seen a regular describe MN as a “platform”) and targeting posters who mention they are strapped for cash.

Honest jobs are available.

She doesn’t say she’s doing all the housework though. She says he does his at the weekend

It’s not just laundry though is it - it’s meal planning, food shopping, batch cooking, cleaning, all the admin relating to the DC including the ill DC’s appointments, taking the car for a service, doing the garden, planning holidays, going into school for class assembly / concerts / plays etc. etc. etc. - actually six hours per week (the time the DC are at school) is nowhere near enough for all that. And I know the response will be - well other parents work full-time and manage it all. To which the answer is, most actually don’t - anyone who earns reasonable money outsources at least some of that list (cleaner / meal box / online shopping / gardener), and those who don’t earn reasonable money probably work fixed hours so have plenty of time in the evenings because they finish work at five and don’t have to log on again when the DC are in bed. If OP’s DH would do his share then maybe she could manage going up to full-time, but why should she if he stays part-time and spends his day off lying around watching TV?

Is the issue the PT working and parental subsidy or the lack of domestic equity? I would focus on the latter first I think, as you say it is an ongoing source of tension. Very frank conversation, and a division of responsibility in the household stuff. I'd make it very clear what, for example, being responsible for laundry involves, step by step. And yes, you shouldn't have to, but you are where you are. We found areas of responsibility were more effective than divvying up each individual step.

“Opportunity”

They are funding both of you and you also work 4 days. Can you up your hours and do 5? He will have to take on house admin.

We no longer live in the world where men are the main breadwinners. You need to decide who will take on the home management and who will do more paid work. And if possible you need consider repaying your parent (slowly) the money you borrowed if for nothing else than your own sense of independence and pride. Don't get me wrong, I agree with why you accepted it and I would have too, and now times are different, time to put things back in order.