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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't work full time

165 replies

Badger222 · 04/05/2025 21:28

Need some advice...
Since having kids I have mainly been working 4 days a week and my husband 5 days a week. Since both children started school, I have always used my day off for housework, household admin etc.

Sadly our youngest child was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, and after that I temporary dropped my hours and my husband went down to 4 days to help with her care. My parents have kindly been funding the gap in our income.

My daughter is now been in remission a long time and I have gone back to 4 days a week. However my husband refuses to go back to full-time hours as says he finds his job too stressful and doesn't think he will cope (despite my suggestion that he pick up a different type of work on the 5th day and work a shorter day). My parents in the meantime are continuing to fund him being part time but are getting rather fed up of this. My husband doesn't take any accountability for the household finances and can't see how much we would struggle if their help suddenly stopped.

I should add that my husband does absolutely nothing on his day off (though he helps with childcare at the weekend). I do all the housework, cooking, washing up, financial/household/school admin, overseeing homework etc, as well as dealing with my daughter's ongoing medical issues (this has been a long term source of arguments). I also struggle with chronic fatigue. I have thought about going up to full-time hours myself to make ends meet but really don't think I could manage with everything else I do at home.

AIBU?

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 05/05/2025 13:25

Fragmentedbrain · 05/05/2025 11:41

Why should he go full time when you won't?????

Because he doesn't do anything on his day off, unlike OP who does everything in the house (cooking, cleaning) and for the children.

Also, why should OP's parents subsidise him to work part-time?????? If he wants to do this, he can get his own parents to subsidise him.

FrangipaniBlue · 05/05/2025 14:42

Your parents aren’t funding your DH working part time, they are funding BOTH of you working part time.

Why is it ok for you to work 4 days “for health reasons” but not your DH for his mental health? I think you’re being pretty hypocritical tbh.

The housework is a separate issue - what is his response when you talk to him about you having to do it all and him not helping?

Bestfadeplans · 05/05/2025 14:45

neverbeenskiing · 05/05/2025 12:18

This situation is really unfair on your DP's, who sound very generous, so I'm not surprised they're fed up. As others have said, I'm glad your DD is in remission and it must have been incredibly scary and stressful for all of you. I can see how, given the circumstances, you got yourselves into this situation but it really needs to change.

You need to sit down and create a spreadsheet that sets out your income (make clear what comes from your salary, his salary and your parents), all your outgoings and what you have left over at the end of the month. Seperate columns for essential outgoings and non-essential, and be brutally honest about what is genuinely essential. You then need another tab with the contribution from your parents removed, so your DH can see the impact it will have in black and white.

Once you've done that sit your DH down for a serious conversation. Show him the spreadsheet and tell him that your parents will no longer be contributing to your household finances so this is the new reality. Then ask him how he thinks you as a couple are going to manage the situation? He will likely not have an answer. So you outline the options for him.

  1. You both go back to work full time and get a cleaner to help with house stuff, but only if you can afford it without taking handouts from your parents
  2. He goes back to work FT, you stay 4 days and you continue to do the house stuff on your day off
  3. You got back to work FT, he stays 4 days and he starts doing house stuff on his day off

If he chooses option 3 point out that you have been trying to get him so his share around the house for years, to no avail. Ask why you should believe him that he will be willing to do this now? I would suggest you give this option 6 months, and if he doesn't pull his finger out and start helping around the house then at that point tell him you're taking this option off the table and he needs to find FT work that will allow you to fund a cleaner, as per option 1.

Of course, there is an option 4, which is LTB. This will most likely also involve you going back to work FT but you would have one less child to clean up after in the evenings and on weekends. If he cannot recognise that the current situation of 2 adults being financially supported by parents rather than anyone being willing to step up and work FT is both unsustainable and frankly, embarrassing and accept that he needs to either work more, or do more around the house, then I would seriously consider option 4.

Agree with everything. Accept the 6 months part. If give him a month.

usererror57 · 05/05/2025 14:47

FrangipaniBlue · 05/05/2025 14:42

Your parents aren’t funding your DH working part time, they are funding BOTH of you working part time.

Why is it ok for you to work 4 days “for health reasons” but not your DH for his mental health? I think you’re being pretty hypocritical tbh.

The housework is a separate issue - what is his response when you talk to him about you having to do it all and him not helping?

Agree with this

if you don’t want to work 5 days why should he? You both need to stop relying on your parents

C8H10N4O2 · 05/05/2025 14:50

FrangipaniBlue · 05/05/2025 14:42

Your parents aren’t funding your DH working part time, they are funding BOTH of you working part time.

Why is it ok for you to work 4 days “for health reasons” but not your DH for his mental health? I think you’re being pretty hypocritical tbh.

The housework is a separate issue - what is his response when you talk to him about you having to do it all and him not helping?

“for health reasons” - you don’t believe CFS is a genuine health issue? CFS sufferers should just pull themselves together perhaps?

The OP was doing 4 days also because she does 100% of the home stuff including all the additional medical treatments/appointments for a child. That is more than a day per week unless they live in a hovel and eat microwave dinners from plastic trays.

The DH does fuck all.

From the OP’s first post:
"I should add that my husband does absolutely nothing on his day off (though he helps with childcare at the weekend). I do all the housework, cooking, washing up, financial/household/school admin, overseeing homework etc, as well as dealing with my daughter's ongoing medical issues (this has been a long term source of arguments)"

And from the other post:
I have struggled to get my husband to do his fair share of the housework for years to no avail, and it has put an enormous strain on our marriage. Unfortunately I don't think that will ever change regardless of how many hours I work

ie the DH will continue to do fuck all.

Personally I would struggle to live with a DH sponging off my labour and my parents’ money. If she LTB she would have one less weight around her neck.

JLou08 · 05/05/2025 15:56

Reduce your outgoings instead of taking from your parents. Having a child with cancer may have led your DH to the realisation that time is more important than money. Obviously money is needed for basics, but most people are paying for luxuries they could go without.

FrangipaniBlue · 05/05/2025 15:59

“for health reasons” - you don’t believe CFS is a genuine health issue? CFS sufferers should just pull themselves together perhaps?

that’s one giant leap there…… seriously, that’s what you took from my post @C8H10N4O2Confused

nomas · 05/05/2025 16:04

I’d divorce him. You may get more financial help that way.

Bestfadeplans · 05/05/2025 16:04

usererror57 · 05/05/2025 14:47

Agree with this

if you don’t want to work 5 days why should he? You both need to stop relying on your parents

Show quote history

Because she's doing all the housework on the 5th day?

nomas · 05/05/2025 16:05

FrangipaniBlue · 05/05/2025 14:42

Your parents aren’t funding your DH working part time, they are funding BOTH of you working part time.

Why is it ok for you to work 4 days “for health reasons” but not your DH for his mental health? I think you’re being pretty hypocritical tbh.

The housework is a separate issue - what is his response when you talk to him about you having to do it all and him not helping?

The housework isn’t a separate issue because he isn’t fucking doing any!

Megifer · 05/05/2025 16:10

Ask your parents if they'd give you some £ on the sly as a loan to help you build up a fuck off fund so you can get away from this opportunistic wanker.

I don't know how you can look at him. I'm so sorry you're in this position with this "man", but am very glad your child is in remission.

blueleavesgreensky · 05/05/2025 16:25

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/05/2025 21:49

I am really happy your child is in remission from cancer. That must have been very traumatic for her.

However, I think it is a bit hypocritical to demand a partner work full time when you also refuse to work full time. I think your parents are tired of funding both of you. Time for you both to get full time work.

It’s not hypocritical when the OP is doing all the house work. What’s stopping him from taking on 50%. OP shouldn’t have to manage this. He should be doing it all by himself like a big boy 🙄
if he’s not doing it now he’s not going to do it if OP goes 5 days at work.

blueleavesgreensky · 05/05/2025 16:27

FrangipaniBlue · 05/05/2025 14:42

Your parents aren’t funding your DH working part time, they are funding BOTH of you working part time.

Why is it ok for you to work 4 days “for health reasons” but not your DH for his mental health? I think you’re being pretty hypocritical tbh.

The housework is a separate issue - what is his response when you talk to him about you having to do it all and him not helping?

The OP can’t go 5 days as she’s doing all the housework. Ffs why is it up to women to manage men to do their share of housework. He’s a fucking adult. He should be doing it as a natural course of living there.

she shouldn’t need to discuss it with him. If he’s not doing it now he’s not going to magically start doing it if OP goes to 5 days is he.

JHound · 05/05/2025 16:32

beAsensible1 · 05/05/2025 07:55

Come on OP why is more valid for you to work 4 days rather than him.

the housework and life admin need to be shared regardless and you need to be firm and both sit down and share out duties.

you both need to adult up and take financial responsibility for your family, household and children. It’s not on him alone.

either find news jobs that don’t cause fatigue or stress or both go back so it’s fair. But deciding unilaterally that it has to be him and not you isn’t right.

This would make sense….if not for the fact OP does all the work around the home while he does little.

If he wants it to be her to go full time them he needs to do the lion share at home
but it appears he does not want to.

GRCP · 05/05/2025 16:33

I’m so glad your DD is ok - that must have been terrible.
I would just your parents money then sit down with him and discuss how to move forward. One of you needs to work more but then the other one needs to do more in the house. He can’t have it both ways. Once the money stops, he’ll be forced to face this.

JHound · 05/05/2025 16:35
  1. Your parents are subsidising your household and need to stop immediately.
  2. You need to sit your husband down and tell him either you can go full time and he needs to start pulling his weight at home

OR

He can go full time and you do the lion share of domestic labour. His current idea for him to be part-time AND for you to do all the domestic labour is not an option.

BakelikeBertha · 05/05/2025 16:37

I can't believe so many of you are giving the OP such a hard time. Do none of you realise what chronic fatigue is like? I went through it for a while, and literally couldn't push the vacuum round, without needing to stop and take a rest, and if I happened to sit in a chair to do so, would often fall asleep.

The OP hasn't mentioned her DH having any health problems, so as well as only working 4 days a week, he's letting his wife, who does have health problems do all the work that needs doing at home, while his sits on his backside and does nothing.

Personally I agree with the OP, that her husband is being lazy, and is scrounging off her parents to allow this. So, in your shoes OP, I would ask your parents, if they would give you the money discreetly, for the time being, so that you can tell him that they've stopped bank rolling him, and then tell him that he needs to do full time, whether it be in his current job, or taking a different job on his day off, which is perhaps less stressful, that's up to him. I would also be looking at cutting back any expenses you can, for example, do either of you have any hobbies that money goes on? Do you buy takeaways, or coffees while you're out, that sort of thing? If so, these should be the first things to go.

JHound · 05/05/2025 16:39

But mainly you need to stop having your parents fun you. Currently he can avoid having to have this discussion your parents are bankrolling you and you BOTH should be embarrassed at having them financially support you in this way.

Original poster
Badger222 · 05/05/2025 17:29

I appreciate everyone's comments (even the harsh ones 😂). Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I can see what it might look like to him and I also agree that it shouldn't be the woman who automatically drops a day (eg we did 50:50 maternity/paternity leave after our 2nd was born). However I struggle with how to get him more involved with the running of the house without causing further friction in our marriage (the truth is he doesn't see the importance of a clean/tidy house even to basic standards). I have taken on board everyone's suggestions and will definitely try some of them.

In all honesty I think I would make myself very ill if I go back to 5 days (when I last did it I ended up taking so much sick leave I almost lost my job). Though I am brainstorming ways I can make extra money from home that wouldn't involve too many extra hours. Just to be clear my husband doesn't have any mental health reasons not to work full time (he just doesn't like his job and gets stressed by it). It doesn't help that he has little understanding of my fatigue and I worry he sometimes thinks that I make it all up.

I agree that we shouldn't keep taking money from my parents... I too am embarrassed by it. Though I would like to add that they have been very willing to help us so far, and they are financially very well off meaning the money is quite a small amount for them. I think that asking them to stop the payments (and letting my husband see how much we'd financially struggle) is an important first step.

Unfortunately there are not many ways we can cut back... We already have a fairly small mortgage, don't go on holiday, never eat out/have takeaways, buy 2nd hand clothes etc. My only slight extravagance is food as I like to cook healthy nutritious meals from scratch (though I try to save here where I can). I feel very reluctant to cut back on this.

As some of you have picked up on, I do feel our marriage is hanging on by a thread but I am trying to keep it together as best as I can for the sake of our children (who have been through enough recently). My husband has lots of other good qualities and is an amazing father, so I don't want to sound too negative about him.

I'm sure my experience is similar to a lot of others out there... women being expected to work full-time whilst still doing the traditional 'woman's' role at home. I really don't know how other women do it!

OP posts:
nomas · 05/05/2025 17:40

He’s not an amazing father. Amazing fathers share the load with mothers.

gattocattivo · 05/05/2025 17:49

I think you’re minimising your dh’s feelings to say he ‘just doesn’t like his job and finds it stressful.’ It’s clearly having an impact on his mental health and there’s no more logical reason why he should be the one to go back up to full time rather than you.

where I do think a very firm stand is needed is over the domestic chores. If you both get a day off, then these should be shared equally.

I’m glad you can see that it’s not reasonable to rely on your parents financially any more. It was great that they could step up and support when your dd was very ill but now things have settled, you need to manage the finances with your dh.

I think either you have a really thorough look at if you can possibly both stay on 4 days work, but ensure all household tasks are split fairly.
That seems the ideal scenario. If you can’t afford it then maybe your finances are so tight that you both need to work full time now?

if it’s a case of one of you working 4 days (with responsibility of domestic things on day off) and one 5 days, then you need to sit down and have a really honest open discussion because you both have an equal right to be the one working less and doing more at home.

BobbyBiscuits · 05/05/2025 17:57

Well your parents need to stop the funding of this leisure day he chooses to take.
It's bizarre for them to be doing this.

He needs to take the hit personally for the money thats lacking. So what will he sacrifice?
You and kids shouldn't have to suffer.

If he hates his job he should find a new one. You as a family cannot afford him only doing those hours, unless it's literally only him personally having to deal with the financial consequences.

Megifer · 05/05/2025 18:01

Op has he sought medical help for his mental health condition?

pelargoniums · 05/05/2025 18:11

JLou08 · 05/05/2025 15:56

Reduce your outgoings instead of taking from your parents. Having a child with cancer may have led your DH to the realisation that time is more important than money. Obviously money is needed for basics, but most people are paying for luxuries they could go without.

Whose time, though? Because currently he sees his time as important and does what he wants with it. OP’s time isn’t important to him, it’s fine for her to use it for the entirety of the household load. And does he value his in-laws’ time? They’ve got to earn the money he’s spending. If he’s had a cancer-driven “this is what’s important in life!” revelation it’s a very, very narrow one that doesn’t actually benefit the person who actually had cancer, since he does nothing for his DD.

Original poster
Badger222 · 05/05/2025 18:34

Oh yes please, would love the details. Willing to consider anything! X

OP posts: