Husband won't work full time

[Badger222]

Need some advice...
Since having kids I have mainly been working 4 days a week and my husband 5 days a week. Since both children started school, I have always used my day off for housework, household admin etc.

Sadly our youngest child was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, and after that I temporary dropped my hours and my husband went down to 4 days to help with her care. My parents have kindly been funding the gap in our income.

My daughter is now been in remission a long time and I have gone back to 4 days a week. However my husband refuses to go back to full-time hours as says he finds his job too stressful and doesn't think he will cope (despite my suggestion that he pick up a different type of work on the 5th day and work a shorter day). My parents in the meantime are continuing to fund him being part time but are getting rather fed up of this. My husband doesn't take any accountability for the household finances and can't see how much we would struggle if their help suddenly stopped.

I should add that my husband does absolutely nothing on his day off (though he helps with childcare at the weekend). I do all the housework, cooking, washing up, financial/household/school admin, overseeing homework etc, as well as dealing with my daughter's ongoing medical issues (this has been a long term source of arguments). I also struggle with chronic fatigue. I have thought about going up to full-time hours myself to make ends meet but really don't think I could manage with everything else I do at home.

AIBU?

I'm really struck that you dont seem to be talking about money together. When dh and I were really cash poor, we had to have intensive discussions every single week about the budget and which bills to pay next and which ones could wait. We had a joint spreadsheet that set out all our outgoings and income week by week for the year ahead. This is definitely joint work that you cannot shirk, and particularly as you transition from being supported by your parents to independence.

I'm sorry but your parents' views on your health aren't the same as a doctor's views or indeed your own. I'd also be worried about the impacts of long term part time work on both your pensions. I wonder if there us a more creative approach to thinking about increasing your income and/or your ability to save once the years of peak childcare costs come to an end.

You should ask your parents to give the money they usually give, directly to you. All tell your DH that it's stopping and keep the money secretly aside. Let him see how it would be. Hopefully that'll force him into sorting his life out without actually causing too much financial pressure.

It's more embarassing for OP's DH to be funded by OP's parents. OP has said:

'I do all the housework, cooking, washing up, financial/household/school admin, overseeing homework etc, as well as dealing with my daughter's ongoing medical issues'

Her DH doesn't do anything on his day off. OP is pulling her weight. He isn't. He sounds pathetic and lazy.

I have a cleaner because I work full time with a disability and my PIP pays for that so I can work but they are not cheap! They will easily take up that extra days wage.
OP's husband needs to pick up the slack either working or housework. It would easily take me 2 full days to keep up with the chores here and I'd never get any time off.

“I should add that my husband does absolutely nothing on his day off (though he helps with childcare at the weekend). I do all the housework, cooking, washing up, financial/household/school admin, overseeing homework etc, as well as dealing with my daughter's ongoing medical issues (this has been a long term source of arguments).”

Does he literally stay in bed all day, or sit on his own on the sofa, or do you mean he pleases himself with hobbies? When you say he does nothing, do you mean he literally does nothing, or just that he doesn’t do whet you consider he should?

Well if he is adamant he won’t work I’m sure he’s clever enough to work out how to use a vacuum cleaner and do some household “admin” whatever that is.

If you want your marriage to work then perhaps you need to make the conversation less about work and more about what he is willing to give up.

Tell him the money from your parents is stopping (to be honest if I was them I'd be saving it for when you leave him but that's a different conversation).

Then sit down together and work out your finances. If you are both continuing on the same hours, what needs to change? Get rid of a car, stop certain activities, move house etc.

Let him see the choices in black and white and based entirely on numbers.

Given you do everything in the house and have a health condition then I wouldn't be happy funding him to do less if I were your parents. It was obviously different when your child was ill.

I don't ever want to work full time again (or at least not in the role I do) but I earn as much as my husband even on less hours, I do the majority of the household stuff and we have virtually paid off our mortgage and have savings. I wouldn't make the same choice if I was expecting someone else to foot the bill for it.

We have also chosen to remain in a small house and don't have expensive holidays. Cut your cloth as they say so it's time for him to decide how.

Which is exactly why I said they need share running the house

The poster was referring to not needing to work part time simply to do housework - not referring to those who physically cannot work full time. It’s a completely different situation.

NOT the same situation here. Both adults are fully capable of working FT in this situation.

Yep, you explained it better than me!

If he was asked about what he contributes to the household what would he say? It takes more than a paycheque to be a husband and father!

I’m sure the emotional toll on you both has been enormous. Tell your parents to stop paying and see if it works out with him working 4 days.
I don’t really blame him for not wanting to return full time if your parents are paying. I’m about to return to five days a week from 4 and I know it’ll be really draining.

Looking after your own child isn't childcare.

Why should he go full time when you won't?????

You can’t expect him to work five days if you’d prefer won’t. Only one of you has to work full time. Him saying he won’t cope with 5 days is equally valid to you saying it.

Agree with this, if the OP works an extra day he won’t magically start doing all the housework on his day, or if he does, it will last for a few weeks tops, OP will come back from working that extra day exhausted to a dirty house and the resentment and arguments will intensify.

He can absolutely stay at 4 days. But your parents need to stop funding. Either he takes to and adjusts to the drop in income or he works more. They are the choices.

Your parents need to stop supporting you.
Either reduce your outgoings, or you work 5 days a week and get a cleaner and he takes on some life admin or he works a fifth day.

I'd start with the perspective that it is reasonable for you both to work 4 days.
Stop taking your parent's money.

Have a proper sit down meeting with your husband and do a budget and look at what you need to cut.
Make sure it is fully detailed with everything coming in and out.

Also, write down all the housework and childcare tasks and split them.
Assign whole roles 50/50.

For example, your husband does school drop off every day including getting bags and lunches ready.
You do school pick up every day including over seeing homework.

If you are doing all your daughter's medical appointments, give him all household admin to do.

You do all laundry and clothing - washing, folding, putting away.
He does all food and cooking - meal planning, shopping, cooking.

You clean downstairs, he cleans upstairs.

Make sure you both have whole roles that you have total responsibility for and that have to be done.

And if he's not prepared to contribute equally in terms of paid work, parenting and housework then I'd consider whether the relationship is worth it or you'd be better off on your own.

Is working compressed hours over 4 days an option for either of you? You get a full time wage just working longer days.

God, has he no pride at all?

This situation is really unfair on your DP's, who sound very generous, so I'm not surprised they're fed up. As others have said, I'm glad your DD is in remission and it must have been incredibly scary and stressful for all of you. I can see how, given the circumstances, you got yourselves into this situation but it really needs to change.

You need to sit down and create a spreadsheet that sets out your income (make clear what comes from your salary, his salary and your parents), all your outgoings and what you have left over at the end of the month. Seperate columns for essential outgoings and non-essential, and be brutally honest about what is genuinely essential. You then need another tab with the contribution from your parents removed, so your DH can see the impact it will have in black and white.

Once you've done that sit your DH down for a serious conversation. Show him the spreadsheet and tell him that your parents will no longer be contributing to your household finances so this is the new reality. Then ask him how he thinks you as a couple are going to manage the situation? He will likely not have an answer. So you outline the options for him.

1. You both go back to work full time and get a cleaner to help with house stuff, but only if you can afford it without taking handouts from your parents
2. He goes back to work FT, you stay 4 days and you continue to do the house stuff on your day off
3. You got back to work FT, he stays 4 days and he starts doing house stuff on his day off

If he chooses option 3 point out that you have been trying to get him so his share around the house for years, to no avail. Ask why you should believe him that he will be willing to do this now? I would suggest you give this option 6 months, and if he doesn't pull his finger out and start helping around the house then at that point tell him you're taking this option off the table and he needs to find FT work that will allow you to fund a cleaner, as per option 1.

Of course, there is an option 4, which is LTB. This will most likely also involve you going back to work FT but you would have one less child to clean up after in the evenings and on weekends. If he cannot recognise that the current situation of 2 adults being financially supported by parents rather than anyone being willing to step up and work FT is both unsustainable and frankly, embarrassing and accept that he needs to either work more, or do more around the house, then I would seriously consider option 4.

Your parents need to stop funding him immediately.

If they don't mind continuing to help, they could give money to you, just in case you need it, until things are sorted out. Your husband needs to feel the loss of income in order for him to adjust his lifestyle, by returning to work fulltime or doing more in the home on his day off.