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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting ow in a group setting

355 replies

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:45

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

OP posts:
Keepitrealnomists · 04/05/2025 19:53

OP, you're entitled to your feelings and to work on your marriage. I agree with you that women who go after married men are not decent humans. What I am struggling to understand is why he is still working with her. Why hasn't he resigned and found a new job? How do you know it's not still going on? In your shoes, he would have to find another job that would have been a condition on working on the marriage?

HuskyNew · 04/05/2025 19:54

JLou08 · 04/05/2025 18:50

Let it go.
If you stay with the man who betrayed you but then try and swipe at the OW who didn't owe you any loyalty you will end up looking a fool. You could well end up being the but of jokes on the night and in the office.

This.

she should be the one making sly comments at you for being fool enough to stay.

usererror57 · 04/05/2025 19:54

I’d totally say something really loudly so she heard OP don’t worry! all these posters saying not to do it have likely never been in your situation and seeing things from an ivory tower perspective

I haven’t been cheated on - that I’m aware - but I’d have no qualms in introducing myself and then saying “oh you’re the home wrecking [insert word of choice].

Guavafish1 · 04/05/2025 19:54

Feel for you…. How embarrassing

Your husband should be ashamed

Dollshousedolly · 04/05/2025 19:56

Honestly, I wouldn’t go but if you do, don’t engage with the other woman and whatever you do, don’t be clinging on to your husband/don’t go in hand in hand/don’t be extra bright and breezy. Just be your usual self. But I wouldn’t go.

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 19:58

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 04/05/2025 19:08

@livpool Do not understand this attitude. AT ALL. Op has lied to no one, cheated on no one, shit on no one (whether she knew them or not). If, as op says, this woman knew he was married with children? She’s rank. You might think it’s ok but personally? I hold myself to higher standards. Even when I was single I wouldn’t touch an attached man with a shitty stick. It’s called personal responsibility, no matter what bullshit some married man told me.
As for the husband? Well, he’s also rank. But, op has made her own decisions there, as she is entitled to . She is hurting no one. In contrast to the ow….

The point you aren’t quite getting is that the OP like many wronged spouses is holding the OW to higher account than her own DH.
she has forgiven DH. So she should forgive the OW as the OW has committed a lesser crime against the OP.

it’s nonsensical to go about angry at someone who as far as you know may have been strung a series of lies when you have chosen to put things aside for your husband who is the one who owed you something

Goditsmemargaret · 04/05/2025 19:58

Hi OP,

I understand your anger at this woman but would urge you to say nothing as it won't help your feelings if you do.

I agree that she is a POS (along with your husband). I also think that you made vows to him and that's why you're trying to work it out but you're under no obligation to be charitable towards her.

I would not want to give her the satisfaction of knowing you've even registered she's the OW. I'd behave like I was oblivious. And if you somehow end up being introduced I'd purposely get her name wrong then apologise and immediately start talking to someone else.

She's nothing, remember that.

Also remember that just because you've tried to forgive him if it continues causing you pain you can leave him for this at any time.

Reddog1 · 04/05/2025 20:00

OP - must you go? So many colleagues will be licking their lips, waiting to see what you’ll do when faced with his affair partner. Others will pity you.

You’ve been humiliated already, do you really want to be part of the entertainment at this party?

Catsandcannedbeans · 04/05/2025 20:01

Me personally? I would have left him, but if I hadn’t left him I could not go to an event where she was there, and my husband sure as shit wouldn’t be going. One glass of wine and I’d scrap, which I know isn’t right because “she didn’t make any vows” but that’s not how temperament and emotions work. Hence why I would never put myself in that situation. I’m all peace and love these days 🧘🏻‍♀️.

I admire you if you can go and keep your cool, but if you think there’s any chance of you making a snide comment or anything like that, please don’t go.

MidlifeWondering · 04/05/2025 20:01

I wouldn’t be going and I wouldn’t want DH going either. He needs to get a new job.
Everyone there will know, very humiliating. Work gossip is notorious, one knows, they all know 🥴

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 04/05/2025 20:01

reesespieces123 · 04/05/2025 19:52

She's 'working on her marriage'.

What's the point? Once a cheater always a cheater. If she said she was staying tol she could financially leave, then fair enough, but she's forgiven her shit of a husband. I struggle to understand that.

Show quote history

Because she hasn’t “forgiven” her husband. I very much doubt all is fine and dandy in Mr Jellystars world. Op is working on it, doesn’t mean she will continue to do so.

PerkyGreenCat · 04/05/2025 20:01

I guess getting a new job wouldn't solve anything. New job means new workplace which means new people which means new women. New women who he could lie to about being married.

The temptation will always be there and OP will probably never know.

At least everyone at his current workplace knows he's a slimeball. New staff will hear whispers "Yeah I'm settling in quite well, Dave has been really helpful showing me around"
"Oh you have to watch him, he was shagging Stacey from accounts a few months ago. His wife turned up at Steve's leaving do, it was so awkward!"

Newgirls · 04/05/2025 20:01

Don’t go. And he shouldn’t either. His colleagues will know. He’s should be job hunting if he’s serious about saving his marriage

TheKeeperOfTissues · 04/05/2025 20:02

I'm a vengeful bitch so would not trust myself around either of them.
Do you know what, if anything, your H told this woman about your relationship?
I'm not making excuses but plenty of AP fall for 'I'm just there for the kids, we don't share a room ' bollocks.

I'm sorry he did that to you and your family and hope you find peace 🏵

Scottishskifun · 04/05/2025 20:02

Honestly OP saying anything won't help you however much you think it might beforehand.

The best thing to do is look amazing (get your hair and make up done professionally etc) hold your head high, act completely indifferent and then when socially acceptable time to leave then you both leave.
Watch that you either don't drink or have 1. Your DH will be anxious all night probably wondering if your about to let the cat our the bag at his work do and her the same.
That would be my element to sit and reveal in rather then saying anything.

summerscomingsoon · 04/05/2025 20:03

PerkyGreenCat · 04/05/2025 20:01

I guess getting a new job wouldn't solve anything. New job means new workplace which means new people which means new women. New women who he could lie to about being married.

The temptation will always be there and OP will probably never know.

At least everyone at his current workplace knows he's a slimeball. New staff will hear whispers "Yeah I'm settling in quite well, Dave has been really helpful showing me around"
"Oh you have to watch him, he was shagging Stacey from accounts a few months ago. His wife turned up at Steve's leaving do, it was so awkward!"

Love this 😀 ❤️

LindaDarrah · 04/05/2025 20:03

This reply has been deleted

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Purplecatshopaholic · 04/05/2025 20:04

So you are going to a works thing and the female your husband has been shagging will be there? Ugh. Why is he even going? And why are you going? Why TF is he still working there? No fucking way would i still be married if he stayed working there. Mind you, no way would I have had the cheating rat back in the first place. Good luck with it all op.

Feelingmuchbetter · 04/05/2025 20:06

I wouldn’t be going to any such work event, under any circumstances. I am surprised he still works there…

Megirlan123 · 04/05/2025 20:08

I don’t understand why some people on here are insinuating that you, the op, should be embarrassed and looks like a fool etc. What absolute nonsense.

While she owes you nothing yadda yadda yadda, I do not buy this rubbish that the other woman was taken for a ride. They worked together, at the very least she knows you have children and live together, regardless of what you all imagine he might have told her. Any woman worth her salt will not go sleeping with a married man. FULL STOP.
So yeah, it takes 2 and the other woman is every bit as bad as your husband. So I understand your urge to say something to her but your silence says more than words ever could. She should be ashamed of herself and so should your husband. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about so go in and head high.
I do agree that your husband really shouldn’t still be working with her nor expecting you to attend this occasion while she is there. That’s absolutely up to you guys though. Hope it all goes well.

Hermyknee · 04/05/2025 20:08

I wouldn’t ignore her. If you look at her, look at her with the same look as finding dog poo on your shoe. If she comes up to you have something prepared to say that’s dismissive - as if you are wiping poo off! No point in getting angry or shouting - dismissive is best.

Ignoring her is what she is hoping you’ll do. She’ll know you’re pretending and it takes up too much of your energy. Sod that. She (and your husband) should be the ones that should be squirming. Not you. You are completely in charge of this situation.

kindnessforthewin · 04/05/2025 20:08

Can you give more details. How did you find out? Is the OW definitely single or might she have a partner coming along too? Do you know how long it was going on for and when did it end.

Everyone on this thread is convinced the entire office know about It, do you think that’s the case?

I wonder if DH wants you to go to save his own face. United front. Nothing to see here. Classic man who hasn’t done anything wrong.

im asking the questions above as how on earth do we know if OW has genuine feeling for him? How do we know SHE won’t have a few too many drinks and cry when she’s see you together or say something herself.

this could get messy…

ThatCyanCat · 04/05/2025 20:08

Your marriage is between you and your husband; she couldn't force him to do anything. She is irrelevant to your path from here on; either you can forgive and trust him again or you can't.

It's tempting to deflect when you need a reason to be able to forgive him but it's worse than useless. Her feelings don't matter. He's the one who committed to you, only he has trust to break and rebuild.

5128gap · 04/05/2025 20:09

If you want her to think you are jealous of her or anxious she could take your husband and need to mark your territory, and want her to tell her friends at work what you said and have them eye rolling at you (because they are her people, they're on her side) then go at it. If you want her to think that in the context of your marriage, she is completely irrelevant to you and not worth your thoughts, then say nothing. (I know you don't want to hear anything bad about your H, but seriously, could he make things any worse for you if he tried?)

wherever123 · 04/05/2025 20:09

Please please focus on being as charming and nice to everyone as you can. And if she approaches you include her in your nice behaviour. This is the best weapon.

Imagine if you’re horrible and people are thinking no wonder he had an affair.