Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting ow in a group setting

355 replies

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:45

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyJumper · 04/05/2025 19:04

Mrsttcno1 · 04/05/2025 18:58

You have absolutely no idea what he told her. He could have told her you were separated and just living together for the kids, he could have convinced her you hated each other marriage dead for years etc.

No man starts an affair by telling the OW “I am madly in love with my wife and my family is the most important thing” because those men AREN’T the ones having affairs.

I can sort of see where a woman can be convinced a man is separating/together in name only and that is typically how affairs start. But I don’t at all understand how a married man with kids can think an affair is fair game, and I can’t imagine sharing a bed with my husband knowing he’s been with somebody else.

Show quote history

This!

I wouldn’t even go to the event if I were you OP. If you absolutely have to go, act like she isn’t even there. No nasty remarks, no over the top display about how wonderful your marriage is now and leave at the first opening.

JoyousEagle · 04/05/2025 19:08

Aiming a sly comment her way is honestly a terrible idea. Even if we ignore the fact that for all we know, he’d told her he’d moved out and the marriage was over, you cannot do this at a work event.

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 04/05/2025 19:08

@livpool Do not understand this attitude. AT ALL. Op has lied to no one, cheated on no one, shit on no one (whether she knew them or not). If, as op says, this woman knew he was married with children? She’s rank. You might think it’s ok but personally? I hold myself to higher standards. Even when I was single I wouldn’t touch an attached man with a shitty stick. It’s called personal responsibility, no matter what bullshit some married man told me.
As for the husband? Well, he’s also rank. But, op has made her own decisions there, as she is entitled to . She is hurting no one. In contrast to the ow….

SwedishEdith · 04/05/2025 19:10

How long was the affair? Finding out about it only a few months ago is very recent. I can't imagine wanting to go to the event at all.

jsku · 04/05/2025 19:13

Absolutely do not air your frustration
at a work event. Throw her a dirty look, if you must. But do not engage.

Working on your marriage and re-building is your own private thing. Focus on it in private.
Work through your anger with a counsellor, not by starting a public argument.

Throwmoneyatit · 04/05/2025 19:13

Don't do that.

Do go and get your hair blow dried at the hairdresser the afternoon of the event, wear your killer heels, a good lip and radiate happiness and confidence!

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 04/05/2025 19:15

Mrsttcno1 · 04/05/2025 18:59

She’s still sharing a bed with him. She would be embarrassing herself to hold a grudge with the woman while the man who made those vows to her sleeps in bed beside her every night. There’s no holding your head high about that, you end up looking like the fool who he has managed to trick.

Show quote history

No. Knowingly shagging a married person, or being married and shagging someone else makes you look like a fool. And a deceitful, dishonest person. And a bit dim. Who falls for that blather or convinces themselves they are all that or that they won’t get caught? THAT Is embarrassing. OW and husband should BOTH should feel ashamed of themselves, but op has no shame to carry.

pimplebum · 04/05/2025 19:15

personally I would not go I could not bare it but if you must go have grace and dignity and rise above

anything else shows you are really bothered and she’s under your skin ,

also while affairs are horrible if I met a man that I thought was my future happiness I’d pursue him and if he felt the same I’d make a go of it , yes , horribly sad for wife and kids but I’d assume their marriage was dying if he wanted to pursue , but my happiness is worth striving for too

Original poster
Jellystar · 04/05/2025 19:18

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. I do think women who engage with married men particularly those with children should be held accountable and don't agree with the "she owes you nothing" crap. Human decency and consideration is important and something OW clearly lacks.
I'm not here to defend my decision to work on my marriage/family. I am allowed to want to work things through and also feel anger at the involved party, that doesn't diminish DH's role or the fact that he was the main problem.

OP posts:
Cnidarian · 04/05/2025 19:20

Rise above, in the words of Michelle Obama when they go low we go high. But really your husband should absolutely not be putting you in this position, a work event when you found out about this just months ago? He should decline and not have dared asked you to go through this, the audacity of it. Also he needs to get a new job.

loropianalover · 04/05/2025 19:20

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 19:18

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. I do think women who engage with married men particularly those with children should be held accountable and don't agree with the "she owes you nothing" crap. Human decency and consideration is important and something OW clearly lacks.
I'm not here to defend my decision to work on my marriage/family. I am allowed to want to work things through and also feel anger at the involved party, that doesn't diminish DH's role or the fact that he was the main problem.

Your DH is actively humiliating you by staying at this company and sitting you on his arm at a work event. I would be beyond furious at the OW too but I’d be more focused on why DH thinks it’s suitable to put you in this position where you’re going to be laughed at by his colleagues, because they definitely know.

summerscomingsoon · 04/05/2025 19:21

Definitely ignore.

I think you would be lowering yourself and embarrassing yourself to say anything.

Ignore. Be the better person.

Mrsttcno1 · 04/05/2025 19:22

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 04/05/2025 19:15

No. Knowingly shagging a married person, or being married and shagging someone else makes you look like a fool. And a deceitful, dishonest person. And a bit dim. Who falls for that blather or convinces themselves they are all that or that they won’t get caught? THAT Is embarrassing. OW and husband should BOTH should feel ashamed of themselves, but op has no shame to carry.

Show quote history

Well I’d argue he must be pretty convincing to have managed to convince OP to take him back after he’s had an affair.

Walking into a room hand in hand with your cheating husband, then making sly comments to the woman he cheated with, does make you look like a fool. You hate one yet stayed with the other, you do have to pick a side there.

If anything this man has made fools of both women, as I say, men who have affairs aren’t singing the praises of their wives and families.

Digdongdoo · 04/05/2025 19:23

I wouldn't go, and nor should he. Honestly I wouldn't even contemplate staying married if stayed at that workplace. How disrespectful of him. A clean break is the very least you should expect of him.

Lostworlds · 04/05/2025 19:23

I would rise above it! It’s a professional work event so not the right place to discuss anything like that.

You have decided to work on your marriage which is a tough job, focus on that and put the ow out of your head.

Lovethystupidneighbour · 04/05/2025 19:24

harriethoyle · 04/05/2025 18:53

Seriously, WHY is your anger towards her and not your husband? Giving him a free pass but wanting to bitch at her, who owes you no loyalty. Get your priorities straight. If you’ve chosen to stay with him because you’ve moved on, you need to actually move on. You’ll look like a maniac if you try and make sly comments to her and you really will not get the satisfaction out of it you’re anticipating.

Although I agree with some of this, it must be remembered she has worked through her anger with her husband and has been given many opportunities to hash it out with him.

This will be the first time (I think) she has seen the other woman so it’s basically fresh with her.

Millyjanice · 04/05/2025 19:25

Your DH betrayed you, not the ow. She was not the one breaking up his family, potentially. He was. He thought it was worth the risk at the time. He was the one breaking his marriage vows. She had nothing to lose and owed you no loyalty.

If you decided to let it go and have stayed with your DH, you should just move on and say nothing. Or you risk making a fool of yourself.

DoYouReally · 04/05/2025 19:25

He also knew he had a wife and children.

They are his, so it's much easier for her to cheat than him or it should be.

If you are going to do the "stand by your man" routine then that includes not making a scene in his workplace.

Saying anything that may cause any issues may result in a risk to his job when he needs in case you want to take half that income at a later stage. Standing tva cheat is difficult enough, standing by a broke cheat is even harder.

JoyousEagle · 04/05/2025 19:26

pimplebum · 04/05/2025 19:15

personally I would not go I could not bare it but if you must go have grace and dignity and rise above

anything else shows you are really bothered and she’s under your skin ,

also while affairs are horrible if I met a man that I thought was my future happiness I’d pursue him and if he felt the same I’d make a go of it , yes , horribly sad for wife and kids but I’d assume their marriage was dying if he wanted to pursue , but my happiness is worth striving for too

I agree with you in the sense that I agree that the marriage is probably over in those situations, I disagree that that makes it ok. If he’s pursuing someone else because the marriage is over, then leave the marriage first. Even if I thought he was otherwise the perfect man, I could never be with someone who had so little respect for the person he is still married to.

Mumsgirls · 04/05/2025 19:26

Men can do it who don’t love you enough. No one truly in love would take the risk of losing you. So those who stay know they are settling for second best and can’t ever feel that he wouldn’t cheat because he has.
Stay with him if you wish but don’t delude yourself.

Spirallingdownwards · 04/05/2025 19:26

I probably wouldn't go to be honest. You can bet your life his colleagues all know about the affair. Everyone usually does. They will be scrutinising you for any perceived reaction. Don't put yourself through that.

Pickledpeanuts · 04/05/2025 19:26

Ignore her. As much as she has done a beyond shitty thing, this comment is spot on:
you’d be embarrassing yourself, turning up hand in hand with the man who actually made vows to be faithful to you and then making digs at the woman who didn’t.

I might need to read through your posts again, but is there a reason your husband hasn't found another job to put some distance between him and the OW?

Sunbline · 04/05/2025 19:26

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:54

Ok, results are pretty unanimous so far 😂
I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family. I've not taken him back lightly, and I am well aware of what an arsenal he has been. But I understand how it would look of I seem angry at her in public whilst fine with him.

I expect he told her all sorts of shite to be fair, and no doubt she didn't want him which is why he didn't leave.

I wouldn't say anything to her, it won't make you feel better it'll just be embarrassing and humiliating for you.

Onthemaintrunkline · 04/05/2025 19:27

Straight face, avoid her, keep your dignity. It’ll be a fraught evening I’m thinking for you, one you’ll probably be on edge during and I’m sorry about that. If there are others at the event that you know, hopefully that’ll make it easier?

AgnesX · 04/05/2025 19:27

Ooh, say something, give people something to gossip about over the coffee machine 🙄

No, really don't.