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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting ow in a group setting

355 replies

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:45

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

OP posts:
Kettlemetal · 04/05/2025 19:27

So not only is he continuing to work with her is genuinely expecting you to go along to work events when she is there?

WTF.

I actually think it’s impossible not to be humiliated at this one and I wouldn’t go.

Yeh she’s possibly not got the strongest moral compass but who knows what he told her about you, the state of your marriage (and sex life) and his intentions towards her.

As a pp said he was hardly painting a picture of sexual harmony and family bliss in his marriage was he?

And let’s face it he may well still either be having the affair or plan to go back to it.

You saying anything snide will just be total cringe. Don’t do that and ideally don’t go and nor should he.

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 04/05/2025 19:28

Mrsttcno1 · 04/05/2025 19:22

Well I’d argue he must be pretty convincing to have managed to convince OP to take him back after he’s had an affair.

Walking into a room hand in hand with your cheating husband, then making sly comments to the woman he cheated with, does make you look like a fool. You hate one yet stayed with the other, you do have to pick a side there.

If anything this man has made fools of both women, as I say, men who have affairs aren’t singing the praises of their wives and families.

Show quote history

Well if op, as his, wife looks like a fool? That makes the ow, who fell for his rubbish whilst knowing he was married, look like a total moron! And yes, op is picking a side, her OWN. Those two thought only about themselves for however long, op can think about only herself now.

I do think op though that you should absolutely ignore her. She’s irrelevant, literally not worth your time. You would never, ever do what she did. That is enough.

SwedishEdith · 04/05/2025 19:29

The ow may have dumped him as well, of course. She may not think he's that much of a catch.

MellowPinkDeer · 04/05/2025 19:29

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:54

Ok, results are pretty unanimous so far 😂
I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family. I've not taken him back lightly, and I am well aware of what an arsenal he has been. But I understand how it would look of I seem angry at her in public whilst fine with him.

Be careful with the attitude where you appear to be blaming her. It’s YOUR husband who had a wife and family.

im not sure this event is the right place for you if this is how you feel.

LovePoppy · 04/05/2025 19:30

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:54

Ok, results are pretty unanimous so far 😂
I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family. I've not taken him back lightly, and I am well aware of what an arsenal he has been. But I understand how it would look of I seem angry at her in public whilst fine with him.

Your husband tried to break up your family.

Not her.

tinytemper66 · 04/05/2025 19:30

Be the better person and ignore her.

Pinkstuffs · 04/05/2025 19:31

It will bother her far more if you don’t make any sort of comment or even acknowledgment of the affair, as if you do that will look like you still care/she still affects you. If you radiate happiness you are more likely to get under her skin. I agree with pp don’t drink if you think it will make you more likely to say something you regret.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 04/05/2025 19:32

I would go, ignore her, if you find yourselves face to face and cant, I would be brief, polite but cool.

Lavachicken37 · 04/05/2025 19:33

Ignore ignore ignore

CalleOcho · 04/05/2025 19:34

AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely.

Ignore her completely.

Even if you feel like you want to scream and shout and punch her lights out. (Didn’t mean for it to sound like a rap). It’s best to totally ignore her. Pretend she isn’t even there.

Have some respect and dignity for yourself.

fairlygoodmother · 04/05/2025 19:34

Do you really have to/want to go to this event? It sounds like you will have a miserable time.

JenniferAnistonForReals · 04/05/2025 19:35

I get how tempting it is, I really do. But he probably told her a huge amount of lies about you and your relationship. That doesn’t make it okay, but while he was deceiving and lying to you, he was doing the same to her. Go in, with your head held high, knowing you’re focussing on the future and your family.

JustSawJohnny · 04/05/2025 19:36

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:54

Ok, results are pretty unanimous so far 😂
I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family. I've not taken him back lightly, and I am well aware of what an arsenal he has been. But I understand how it would look of I seem angry at her in public whilst fine with him.

Oh, she's a cunt, no doubts about that.

You don't have to confront her, though.

I'd ignore her completely, smile a lot and, if your eyes meet, hold her gaze long enough for her to get the message that you know just how desperate and vile she is.

Do not let their fuckery get to you, OP.

THEY did something wrong, not you.

Helpmeplease2025 · 04/05/2025 19:37

No, you can’t say anything. Your husband is your issue, not her. You chose to take him back when most wouldn’t, you have to suck up the consequences.

Pedallleur · 04/05/2025 19:37

Do not drink too much. I repeat Do not drink too much. If there is a scene you will be the one who appears to be the bad person. Go, enjoy the night and ignore. I'm sure she will.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2025 19:39

I really wouldn’t go. There’s an extremely high chance there will be people who work with them who know about the affair, whether or not your husband is aware of that. It’s going to create gossip whatever else happens.

Are you going to make a statement to her? To him? To yourself? Do you worry you can’t trust him around her and alcohol out of hours?

I’d examine your motivation, the potential pit falls and mitigate them as best you can and then hopefully decide to skip it. And ask him to if that’s what you need.

You’re obviously raw and angry, anyone would be. You’re not in the right place to near the two of them together.

I don’t understand why him getting a different job isn’t a major factor in you trying to work through this.

Gowlett · 04/05/2025 19:39

Everyone in work will know they were carrying on.

If you say something, word will get around the office.

Some might think she’s a slag, but you’ll be the mad wife.

Dweetfidilove · 04/05/2025 19:39

I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family.

I won't debate whether she does / doesn't owe you anything...
She probably thought about it and decided - if the man who is literally in covenant with these people couldn't care less about wrecking their lives to get his dick wet, why should she make herself more concerned than he is. She literally has no investment in your marriage and family and he has presented him as available.

Strangeworldtoday · 04/05/2025 19:40

You have chosen to forgjve and work through your marriage, commenting and making a dig, although justified, will harm what you are trying to work on with your husband.
No good can come of it. At best, it will bring you down to her level and cause friction and a bad atmosphere, at worst, it could end up with her commenting back, drinks thrown, scrapping on the dancefloor, husband sacked and your marriage completely over.

CalleOcho · 04/05/2025 19:40

fairlygoodmother · 04/05/2025 19:34

Do you really have to/want to go to this event? It sounds like you will have a miserable time.

Without sounding catty, and OP I sincerely apologise if this isn’t the case…

Maybe the OP only wants to go to keep an eye on her H, and to ensure he doesn’t stray away and speak to OW. Especially if alcohol will be involved.

Even if they’re working things out together, surely some paranoia will be present. An affair is something you truly never ever get over or forget about.

researchers3 · 04/05/2025 19:40

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:54

Ok, results are pretty unanimous so far 😂
I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family. I've not taken him back lightly, and I am well aware of what an arsenal he has been. But I understand how it would look of I seem angry at her in public whilst fine with him.

Why on earth is it not ok for a woman but for it to be acceptable for your actual husband to have done this?!!

Have you seen evidence it's over? Or taking his word for it?

Personally I wouldn't go and my 'D'H wouldn't be either.

She's got some balls going, knowing you're going to be there.

Elasticatedtrousers · 04/05/2025 19:41

Hey OP, been where you are and been faced with OW, I have ALWAYS taken the ignore, big smile to others, appear distracted stance.

If she doesn’t ’owe me anything’ I don’t owe HER anything and could bloody well say what I want BUT ultimately it achieves nothing FOR ME.

Seriously, she’ll hope to be relevant, put her in her place by showing her she is not.

Best course of action is neither going but I know that could be tricky.

And if you need any further support get yourself on surviving infidelity!

Fatrosrhun · 04/05/2025 19:42

I agree that it’s pretty low behaviour to go after someone that you know is married. But it’s worse behaviour from him. And you have decided to forgive him. So you have to put it behind you and move on. And if that means bumping into her at work events, so be it. If it helps focus on the fact that you got the (skanky) man, she didn’t. He chose you.
But this post is a good example of why taking back a cheater is going to keep torturing you and you have to be a real tough person to do it. I couldn’t.

LividRah · 04/05/2025 19:42

I know plenty of people will want to disagree with me, but once a cheater always a cheater.

With the difference being that he now knows he can get away with it, as you took him back.

This isn't about her, though I can understand the temptation to go and make a scene. This is about the fact your marriage can never truly be fixed and deep down you know it.

ZenNudist · 04/05/2025 19:43

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 19:18

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. I do think women who engage with married men particularly those with children should be held accountable and don't agree with the "she owes you nothing" crap. Human decency and consideration is important and something OW clearly lacks.
I'm not here to defend my decision to work on my marriage/family. I am allowed to want to work things through and also feel anger at the involved party, that doesn't diminish DH's role or the fact that he was the main problem.

Honestly in your shoes wild horses couldn't drag me to this event. You risk looking pathetic.

I'd be insisting he found a different company.

Plus she really isn't the one to blame here. He is. You can't claim she isn't a decent human whilst remaining married to her ex.