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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting ow in a group setting

355 replies

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:45

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

OP posts:
Sunbline · 05/05/2025 13:24

Stravaig · 05/05/2025 13:18

I can never fathom the inner logic of forgiving or staying married to an unfaithful husband whilst actively hating and blaming the person he cheated with.

Did the poor wee lambkin wander out of his lovely safe hubby pen only to get hunted down by the horrid tentacley siren and trapped in her scary sex web?

Bless. Best get him safely home again.

Seriously? It just seems nonsensical to me.

It's because there's something for the woman to gain by forgiving the husband, there is nothing for them to gain by forgiving the woman. They convince themselves that he didn't mean it, he's sorry, he'll spend the rest of his days regretting it and the like because it then makes it palatable for the sake of carrying on with the marriage and the financial and logistical security that brings, as well as meaning they don't have to start over and/or risk being single forever. There's nothing the other woman can give them following forgiveness that benefits them, so they're not bothered. Its also a bit easier to come to terms with if there's a villain beyond the man that made the vows.

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 05/05/2025 13:25

Why would you even think it would be a reasonable thing to do to confront her at a work event?!

Your husband could end up being sacked over it and in such a niche profession could destroy his reputation.

I mean I guess if you wanted revenge, but not if you are relying on his income.

kindnessforthewin · 05/05/2025 13:45

Stravaig · 05/05/2025 11:17

When OW is single, it's just so handy to reach for the misogynistic trope that she is an evil temptress, who used her wiles on an innocent, if momentarily weak, but essentially devoted husband and father. It absolves him of any real responsibility. Which makes it easy to 'forgive' him and continue as before.

The moment OW is also married, that illusion falls apart. Two married people, who work together, who like each other, respect each other, are attracted to each other, even have feelings for each other, to the extent they are both prepared to risk destroying their families to be together. That possibility is considerably more confronting, and much harder, even impossible, to overlook and continue as before.

In reality they're likely equally selfish and thoughtless.

Edited

Exactly my point. Isn’t it interested there were 100s of comments on here and every single one was assuming the OW was single. Not one person thought maybe they aren’t. Stereotyping to the max.

MyQuirkyTraybake · 05/05/2025 14:12

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 21:57

Just to answer a few questions, he works in quite a niche market and it's not easy to just switch jobs, unless we considered a big dip in income which is just not an option at the moment. It is something we have discussed.
He confessed to me about the affair, but yes this was after it had ended. The affair lasted 3 months. The OW is married, but has no children. The event is an important one, and I do get along with his other colleagues, so in other circumstances would enjoy the evening. I don't want my usual life disrupted any more than it has to be. Her husband may or may not be at the event, I don't know if he knows or not. Just wanted advice on how to handle the OW.

Edited

Personally I'd not be worried about the first women. I'd be wondering who he would cheat with next, now he's got away with it once.

WilfredsPies · 05/05/2025 14:31

kindnessforthewin · 05/05/2025 13:45

Exactly my point. Isn’t it interested there were 100s of comments on here and every single one was assuming the OW was single. Not one person thought maybe they aren’t. Stereotyping to the max.

Edited
Show quote history

How do you know what everyone was assuming? The OP asked for advice on how to handle being at the same event with the OW. Perhaps they thought the OW’s marital status was largely irrelevant to that question? An arsehole is an arsehole, whether they’re married or not. I think you’re twisting the data to suit a particular narrative.

VickiFromAmsterdam · 05/05/2025 14:40

If she starts anything just casually announce that you have an open marriage.

Someone2025 · 05/05/2025 14:52

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 21:57

Just to answer a few questions, he works in quite a niche market and it's not easy to just switch jobs, unless we considered a big dip in income which is just not an option at the moment. It is something we have discussed.
He confessed to me about the affair, but yes this was after it had ended. The affair lasted 3 months. The OW is married, but has no children. The event is an important one, and I do get along with his other colleagues, so in other circumstances would enjoy the evening. I don't want my usual life disrupted any more than it has to be. Her husband may or may not be at the event, I don't know if he knows or not. Just wanted advice on how to handle the OW.

Edited

Look the very best that you possibly can!, ignore her for the most part, but give her a look down your nose if you can, look proud so she knows she hasn’t destroyed your marriage
If her husband is there she will possibly be more nervous about the event than you!

Liz1tummypain · 05/05/2025 14:58

Try to ignore her. She's not in your life now

SummerDaysOnTheWay · 05/05/2025 15:02

Why are you going?
why is he still working there??

whitewineandsun · 05/05/2025 15:14

SummerDaysOnTheWay · 05/05/2025 15:02

Why are you going?
why is he still working there??

Because a dip in income is not possible, she said.

HollidaySunshine · 05/05/2025 15:22

What would you say? Your ‘d’H needs to leave

dafa · 05/05/2025 16:43

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:54

Ok, results are pretty unanimous so far 😂
I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family. I've not taken him back lightly, and I am well aware of what an arsenal he has been. But I understand how it would look of I seem angry at her in public whilst fine with him.

Because most men who pursue another woman will use all the cliche lies in the book, “we are separated”, “haven’t slept together in years”, “only together for the kids” etc etc.

I absolutely agree that she was in the wrong too, but your husband is the one who cheated on you, broke your vows. Also as the relationship ended, do you know if it was him or her who ended it? You have no idea if she ended it because of guilt.

Place your anger at the man who betrayed you.

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 05/05/2025 16:54

dafa · 05/05/2025 16:43

Because most men who pursue another woman will use all the cliche lies in the book, “we are separated”, “haven’t slept together in years”, “only together for the kids” etc etc.

I absolutely agree that she was in the wrong too, but your husband is the one who cheated on you, broke your vows. Also as the relationship ended, do you know if it was him or her who ended it? You have no idea if she ended it because of guilt.

Place your anger at the man who betrayed you.

Show quote history

Yes, but don’t most women know that? I definitely taught my dd not to listen to such flannel. Perhaps it should be part of the curriculum “101 lines married men use to get you into bed”?

ChateauProvence · 05/05/2025 16:56

Let’s hope the OW husband doesn’t confront OP husband at the event - wonder how she’d feel about that

5128gap · 05/05/2025 17:05

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 05/05/2025 16:54

Yes, but don’t most women know that? I definitely taught my dd not to listen to such flannel. Perhaps it should be part of the curriculum “101 lines married men use to get you into bed”?

Show quote history

Will you also teach your DD not to listen to 'it was a mistake' 'she meant nothing' 'she pursued me' 'you didn't seem interested in me and I was lonely' ' I'll never do it again' and all that flannel? Because a man who can talk his way back into his marriage after cheating is quite capable of talking a woman into an affair.

Elasticatedtrousers · 05/05/2025 17:12

kindnessforthewin · 05/05/2025 13:45

Exactly my point. Isn’t it interested there were 100s of comments on here and every single one was assuming the OW was single. Not one person thought maybe they aren’t. Stereotyping to the max.

Edited
Show quote history

Really ‘hundreds’ on a thread of 340, many of which are just attacking a woman who has dared to make a choice to stay and is incidentally the ONLY victim in this nasty scenario…

hyperbole much?!

NerrSnerr · 05/05/2025 17:30

He will have told the other women all sorts of nonsense like the marriage is over and you were living together for the kids, separate bedrooms of course. I bet he also said you were crazy, unhinged etc. If you say something to her that will reinforce that.

Direct your anger to him. He’s the one who has let you and the children down and I’m not sure how you’ll trust him again.

Maddy70 · 05/05/2025 17:43

She will be on pins..

Don't say anything. Remain dignified

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 05/05/2025 17:53

5128gap · 05/05/2025 17:05

Will you also teach your DD not to listen to 'it was a mistake' 'she meant nothing' 'she pursued me' 'you didn't seem interested in me and I was lonely' ' I'll never do it again' and all that flannel? Because a man who can talk his way back into his marriage after cheating is quite capable of talking a woman into an affair.

Show quote history

I’ve taught her to watch actions, not listen to words, so yes, I hope and believe she will be able to tell the difference between the truth and a load of crap. I also tried to teach her personal responsibility, self worth and that everyone matters, whether you know them or not. So far that seems to have worked, but she’s her own person, so who knows?

But for me? Literally no one is capable of “ talking me” into an affair. Personal responsibility is a wonderful thing.

BigHeadBertha · 05/05/2025 18:22

adviceneeded1990 · 04/05/2025 21:32

Anyone who stays using the excuse of a broken home is completely failing to acknowledge that the children’s home is already irrevocably damaged. They will sense the atmosphere, the lack of trust, the suspicions, the tension. Is that a better way to grow up? I’ve got a few friends whose parents “stayed together for the kids” (and often for financial gain). Every single one without exception wishes they hadn’t.

Show quote history

So, no real life experience with marriage and kids, then. Got it!

ThatCyanCat · 05/05/2025 18:24

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 05/05/2025 16:54

Yes, but don’t most women know that? I definitely taught my dd not to listen to such flannel. Perhaps it should be part of the curriculum “101 lines married men use to get you into bed”?

Show quote history

Yes, but don’t most women know that?

Given how many women fall for it, it clearly works often enough to still be used a lot since time immemorial. And of course, other lines are used to try to entice wives back after men stray. Those seem to work pretty often too.

adviceneeded1990 · 05/05/2025 18:28

BigHeadBertha · 05/05/2025 18:22

So, no real life experience with marriage and kids, then. Got it!

Show quote history

Not sure where you got that? My ex of 10 years was a cheat, I left the very first time I caught him. My DH isn’t a cheat and I wouldn’t stay with him if he became one, because I’m financially independent with fully functioning self esteem. I’d never subject children to living with an unhealthy relationship, it’s setting them up for a shit adult life.

Conkersinautumn · 05/05/2025 18:33

I know that you've got a view on women who knowingly get involved with married men. And, I probably couldn't stay close if I found out a friend had done this. Because yes, it does speak to their priorities and decision making and trustworthiness as a person. But that is what SHE is, she doesn't define YOU. Your actions do and though, not yours this is an environment for professional behaviour. I'd never think less of someone who had been cheated on because lies and concealment come woefully easy to some people. I WOULD possibly have a negative (though understanding) view if someone disrupted a work event when prepared to be in the space with someone they may well not want to be around. A work event carries (even for.partners) a certain behaviour expectation and personal situations don't belong there. Ultimately you've all made choices and compromises, avoid her/ politely dip out of conversations with her as though she's YOUR colleague or just don't go. If anyone fucks up at this event, let it be her.

surreygirl1987 · 05/05/2025 18:54

whitewineandsun · 05/05/2025 15:14

Because a dip in income is not possible, she said.

Show quote history

...but apparently still worth risking over publicly tackling the OW about an affair at a work event... 🤦🏼‍♀️

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 05/05/2025 19:00

Not sure I would be put in a situation where I was in the same room as her. Why would you do that to yourself?