Meeting ow in a group setting

[Jellystar]

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

Think I’d be ill that night and if husband wasn’t at home looking after me he’d be toast.

I agree. I just couldn’t go. Knowing they knew what an unfaithful pr*ck I was married to and I still took him back.

Again. No. This kind of spiteful comment is really hurtful to someone already feeling like a piece of shit, through absolutely no fault of her own. Can you really not see that? Would you say this to a friend of yours in person? The husband and the ow are pathetic. Op has done nothing wrong, she isn’t hurting anyone else. Maybe herself, but she alone gets to decide that.

Exactly.

Him quitting his job should’ve been the FIRST condition of getting to stay with you.

Are you absolutely sure he's only had one affair at work? Are you going to say something to all of them?

how many people in the workplace know about the affair? It might be more difficult for you to attend than you expect if you realise once there that most people are aware of the situation. It could be best for both you and your husband to sit this event out while everything is so fresh.

Does he absolutely need to go? As in, his job depends on it?
I actually think neither of you going is the best course of action here.

You have the upper hand here. Is he wanting you to go to get across to her and the gossips that she’s in the past and everything’s rosy between you? Talk to him about how you feel and if you want to go do so strictly on your terms. Do you have any genuine friends among the group who will be there? If so you both stick with them. You pay for a blow dry from the joint account to look understatedly stunning, and have husband glued to your side being attentive and both completely ignoring ex OW.

Why, if he wants to really make a go of it with you again, is he still working there?

Agree with ignore. Rise above her, he is your husband, you are working on things and it is none of her business. I wouldn’t even acknowledge her, but then be a socialite with everyone else! Good luck with everything OP

I wouldn’t say anything, but my face would say “really? He risked happiness and created all that drama for YOU” and look at her like she was a piece of shit on a shoe.

Why on earth would you go if she is coming? Were you hoping to make a grand entrance, strutting in arm in arm as a united front? All of your DH's work colleagues seeing you as the "woman who won"? You will make a royal fool of yourself if you make a comment to the other woman, his work event isn't an episode of MAFS. Tbh, I think you should stay at home if others know about the affair, you will look like the idiot for taking him back.

I think lots of women would 100% tell a friend/relative not to embarrass themselves by staying with a cheating wanker in real life.

What outcome would you want, and what outcome do you think is most likely?

She wasn't married with kids I presume. While he was. I would just give her a really big smile so she knows you know but are rising above it

Why is he still working there?!?!? He needs to resign for the benefit of your mental health.

If you have to ask someone who had an affair to do this, it’s a massive waste of time. He’s not even trying, when he should be grovelling like his life depends on it.

Why would you even go to a work function of the man that cheated on you and where it’s highly likely that a lot of people there knew what happened and will be whispering about it, waiting for an interaction between you and the OW

Have some dignity and let him go on his own. If it was me I would be having more dignity and walking away from him completely, but that’s obviously not your choice

Is he at least trying to look for another job, OP?

By telling her she’s “pathetic”? When she’s already having a fucking awful time? No, anyone who says that isn’t a friend.

I wrongly voted YANBU

I think it would be far more powerful to ignore her and not say anything at all, and if you were to find yourself in the same vicinity as her, I would simply look straight through her as if she wasn't there.

Oh jeez. You have no idea what he told her about you. Some men tell their affair partners that their wife has been cheating on him, that it's over in everyway apart from legally, that the wife is abusive... whatever. I really do think your anger at the OW is misplaced. I've been the OW before (not getting in the way of a marriage, but a relationship), and my 'boyfriend' told me that he'd broken up with her agea ago and that she was basically stalking him and he was worried about her mental health too much to call the police on her! Turns out not to be true at all - he was sleeping with us both. Men can be very convincing when they want a bit on the side and will say whatever it takes to keep the lie going. Your husband is the only one who you can be certain behaved completely immorality and disrespectfully towards you.

Anyway, I agree with the other posters. Say and do nothing, except look fabulous and radiate confidence, poise and happiness. Get your hair and nails done, wear an outfit you feel great in, and hold your head up high.

I’m surprised he wants to take you, how awkward

I’d rip her to shreds.

OW lie to themselves as much as betraying husbands do. They don't ask difficult questions because they don't want to hear the answers.