Meeting ow in a group setting

[Jellystar]

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

Practically: it is a work event. It is not a public stage for you to work out your relationship dramas.

Your husband is there as a subordinate, a colleague, a manager, a skilled professional, a representative of his organisation. As a plus one, you are there as an accessory to burnish his professional reputation. If you cannot do that, do not go.

Especially if you want him to be able to change jobs within the same industry.

As a plus one, you are there as an accessory to burnish his professional reputation. If you cannot do that, do not go.

And this is why the husband shouldn't expect it of OP that she go. I'd be done helping him with his professional anything when his idea of professionalism is getting his dick wet at work.

I agree with this although I do understand you wanting to work through things with your husband given you have kids.

Do industries still exist where wives are expected to trail along? Is your husband a politician? DP is in a traditional sector and spouses aren’t expected to attend work events. It’s embarrassing that you think you need to be there and put on a show, especially when the same isn’t assumed for the OW’s husband.

Does everyone else know about the affair? I once worked somewhere where one of the married men had affair with a colleague. He decided to work things out with his wife, and the other woman continued to work there. The thing is, it was common knowledge, so before any social event there would be a lot of speculation about how the wife would be acting, would they speak etc. She would come along and be quite withdrawn and quiet, while everyone was sniggering and whispering behind her back. I felt very sorry for her and decided I would never put myself in that position. The other woman was very popular and had found a new man (not married or a colleague) so didn't seem phased by it at all. If I were you, I would steer clear of the event.

Typical mumsnet - to turn on the one innocent person in the triangle.

Her DH is an arse but the OW is not exactly exuding high standards and good morality herself. Why is it on mumsnet - people think the OW/OM are exempt from contempt

Neither of you should go to the work event, your DH needs to get out of it. There's absolutely no reason you should put yourself through this and no good can come from it 💐 if it's harming to his career in any way, tough shit, he should have thought about that before. It's not your job to make his easier by throwing yourself under the bus.

This event will be humiliating for you. Everyone there will know, she has work colleagues and friends surrounding her while you'll have no-one but your DH. Everyone will be gossiping and looking to see how you all behave, just don't do it. If your DH thinks no-one at work knows btw, he's delusional.

I agree with this. Wild horses wouldn’t drag me to this event if I’m honest.

I have never seen anyone say it's ok to shag a married man, but at the end of the day his marriage is on him and the only person who can cheat on OP is him. He made the promise, don't go after other people to keep it. Suppose she gives OW a piece of her mind and OW issues a grovelling apology, speaks at length about what a shit she thinks herself to be and scuttles off in shame at OP's rebuke (is that likely?). So what? OP still has a cheating husband and the problem isn't other women, it's him. Either she can trust him or she can't, nobody else matters. Who wants a husband who's only faithful as long as he has no opportunity?

The disproportionate venom the OW always gets as opposed to the man who actually cheated and lied to the people he promised to treasure is sheer deflection, expecting a stranger to care more about you than your own husband.

Personally I wouldn't go to the event at all. I think the chances of somehow cutting the OW down to size are remote; if she cared that much what OP thought, she wouldn't have done it and she has likely been fed a pack of lies anyway.

And of course, what she thinks about OP and her marriage is totally irrelevant. The only people who can do anything are OP and her husband.

Great post @ThatCyanCat

Its a reaction to the contrast with how the cheat is treated. Forgiven, and their behaviour brushed aside and minimised, reduced by sharing it with soneone else. Yeah he's an arse..but nothing to see there now we've decided to make a go of it. Best lay all the anger and blame and vent our spleen on the OW instead.
It's damaging for the betrayed spouse because often the other party serves as a scapegoat for the behaviour of their spouse, and they forgive where they shouldn't and are hurt again.
It's also damaging to women in general to scapegoat them for male bad behaviour. And it isnt equal. Where its a cheating woman, the OM barely gets a second thought as everyone rushes all guns blazing to condemn the cheating wife.

Human decency and consideration is important and something OW clearly lacks

If you believe that, you must believe your husband also lacks the important quality of human decency and consideration. So why are you with him?

Or perhaps the truth is that the OW is just as much a complicated person as your husband, and any of us is, and can both act with great decency and compassion whilst at other times acting in her own self-interest.

She isn’t a one-dimensional cartoon character anymore than your husband is.

Yes, op has ‘won’ a truly wonderful prize…

Well if the OP really is so indecent and beyond redemption, she isn't going to care what OP does. She certainly won't be cowed or shamed by a moral rebuke, or intimidated by a withering look or whatever.

Truth is, she could be anyone. Maybe a nasty woman who gets off on shagging married men, maybe a depressed and unhappy person who got tricked by some lies, who knows? And who cares? You're married to him, not her. She isn't relevant. Do you still love him, is he willing to do what it takes to fix things and can you trust him again? That's really all that matters. The rest is deflection.

Why on EARTH have you not told her DH? Why are you protecting this woman? Honestly, you should tell him. At the very least I'd be having a chat with him at the event, just to make her shit her pants.

On the other hand, would you really want your husband to attend a boozy social with the woman he enjoyed an affair with, without you being there to keep an eye on things?

The cheating H has put OP in a bit of a no-win situation here.

Telling him not to go is an admittance that the trust has gone from the marriage. And without that, OP has a miserable life of constant suspicion ahead of her.

Maybe because the OP wants to turn on the second innocent person in the triangle?
I personally believe OW don't create cheating husbands - forgiving wives do.
Not directed at OP, but I've seen a lot of big bosses having affairs with someone in the office - obvious to anyone who is not blind. And a wife confronting her husband’s latest affair partner at a social event, would look quite foolish.
I struggle to automatically respect a woman simply because she’s married — especially when I’ve witnessed married women throwing themselves at powerful men.
Having a snarky comment on OW here wouldn't add any dignity to OP's position, and yes, the OW has probably got what she wanted, from OP's husband, I doubt she's stupid, and being mean to her in a party - are you sure the OW won't decide to revenge her by sleeping again with OP's husband? How confident is OP in her husband now?

I think when you make the OW the villain, you need to think about what that means - that you're married to a man who is only faithful to the limit of his opportunity. Hating 'the opportunity' makes as much sense as hating an unattended handbag for turning someone into a thief.

I’m suspended DH came clean. If it was over, he had gotten away with it. Perhaps colleagues don’t know then, if other halves were none the wiser. Or did you have suspicions?

Why would you do this to yourself?

There are 34.5 million women in Britain. If you think you have a better chance of scaring all of them away from your husband than of your husband choosing to keep his commitment to you, you're better off not married to him.

Such a great analogy.

Surprised

So, let me get this straight - most of the women on here, wouldn't have any anger towards a woman who slept with their husband?

I call BOLLOCKS.

You can be angry with your DH, whilst simultaneously trying to save your marriage, and simultaneously feeling murderous towards the woman involved.

I hate all this holier than thou crap on here sometimes.

Op, your feelings are 100% valid and NORMAL.

I agree.

Trying to make out that a knowing OW is an innocent victim and the wife is wrong for feeling any feeling towards her, is all a bit gaslighty to me.