Meeting ow in a group setting

[Jellystar]

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

She's gross for having done what she has done.

If it were me, I wouldn't go to the work event at all. I'd go somewhere lovely and exciting with your husband instead. The best way to "win" in these situations, is to live the better life imo. Work events are always tedious, so go on a long weekend away instead.

Absolutely this. Your DH should be bending over backwards to rebuild the love and trust you once had- not dragging you out to work events which bring you face to face with the woman he had the affair with. It smacks of him retaining all the power in your relationship.

Don’t go. Why are you towing the line? And get yourself a bf.
Only at that point can you call it quits with your cheat of a dh.

Exactly. Im. Glad it's not just me too. Men don't seem to realise that there is nothing more pathetic or unattractive than a man who stays in an unhappy relationship on the off chance something better mighnt come along.

Even if I had been single I wouldn't be interested. Don't get me wrong. For me then as a single parent but with a new bf in a low wage pt job he would have been a good catch financially. But ffs I could never respect or love someone who was so pathetic.

Anyway we digress from the main thread 🤣 but thank you. Im Glad it's not just me who had pathetic male colleagues.

On a side note he is still my boss allegedly. but the phrase managing your manager springs to mind. Seriously though we do have a good working relationship now 10 years later.

Been in similar shoes. I did confront the other woman (not in public). Along the lines of how could you do this to another woman/my children etc. The answer was pathetic “we couldn’t help it/fell in love” and “I had it happen to me”. I realised there was nothing she could say that would make me feel better/understand - because it’s incomprehensible to me to behave in that way.

It takes a very strong relationship to get over infidelity. So, for want of a better phrase, you’re the winner. You’ve a marriage worth saving and have nothing to prove to the OW. Carry yourself with dignity. Say nothing to her. I wouldn’t obviously ignore her either - but treat her like a complete stranger who I can barely be polite to. She doesn’t deserve your time or headspace. I hope your reconciliation works out well for you all 😘

She is keeping it together for the family and finances but the actual emotional side of the marriage is ruined. Plus if others know it is humiliating.

All bets are off now. She does not have to go, she does not have to do anything she finds uncomfortable.

Just ignore her. If his colleagues know, which isn’t at all unlikely, all you’d be providing is some drama they can laugh and gossip about. That’s it. Tbh, that’s probably what some the most bored amongst them will be watching, waiting and hoping for once you’re all together in the same room. That alone can be supremely awkward.

I worked in an industry where affairs were common, and imo people really don’t care. At most it’s something that offers a bit of entertainment value, and maybe some soap opera if it all goes tits up in public.

Saying something to her also prompts her to say something back to you, and there’s no guarantee that you’d come out on top of any verbal sparring match (although that is the fantasy, same as in imagined physical fights - people usually don’t envisage coming off worse). Right now you’re reeling and vulnerable, and doing this could very easily make you feel even worse.

Don’t go. It will be easy for DH to say that you couldn’t come at last minute.
DH should not under any circumstances expect that it is ok to be all smiles in the presence of a women that he has been Fanny diving with. This is a consequence of his behaviour.
You don’t know how many people in his workplace know what went on. Whether you are all smiles or on tthe attack, you will be pitied. Let DH deal with it alone.
It will play out for both of them. If they both genuinely regret thier behaviours (shagging someone else for prolonged period whilst married ) it can move on. If the behaviours were a symptom of a doomed marriage, it will happen again. I hope for you that isn’t the case, nobody would think badly of you for walking away. To stay, most folks (including me) would think you are clinging on to an ahole and do not value yourself or your children enough. DH didn’t have much thought for any of you whilst he dipped his wick repeatedly.
You are brave to forgive and move on, you should hold all control here. Do it your way and make sure DH knows that he will do as you request on anything involving OW or nights out together/alone. Be confident and tell him what is acceptable to you without compromise. He owes you that.

I just don't understand how reconciliation after an affair can be successful when the H is still working with the OW.

The affair lasted 3 months and before that there will have been a period of build up of sexual attraction. That is an awful lot of deceit and lying and betrayal. And does the sexual attraction just go away when they are still working together? Presumably if it's a niche industry they will be working together closely?

To me a drop.in income would be preferable to the knowledge he is still working with the OW and knowing that all his colleagues know that they have been an item.

Yes OP should have nothing to be ashamed of but the scenario of her, her H, the OW in the same room with everyone there knowing about the 3 way relationship is actually quite sickening.

I wouldn’t go. You already know she has no morals. Whether you say anything to her or not, whether you look happy and ‘hold your head high’, look amazing etc it’s irrelevant, all she’s going to feel for you is pity. She knows what your husband got up to with her, the things they did, and she knows that now he kisses you with that same mouth. It’s like that song ‘so I heard you’re back together, well if that’s true, you’ll just have to taste me, when he’s kissing you’. You can’t make her feel bad, you didn’t ‘win’.

Ignore and don’t approach her but if you have to, be charming, polite and demonstrate that you are the better person. Making a sly comment, or a dirty look, brings you down in everyone’s eyes and you’ll feel a lot worse for sinking to a lower bar. Grace is hard to act but keep practicing.

Blaming the OW is so pathetic and immature.

”You can’t cheat an honest man.”

Ignore her. Period.

I wouldn’t say anything but id let her catch you looking her up and down once or twice! She will spend the evening on tenderhooks worrying about you having a go at her or bringing it all up in front of everyone! As for the pp who keep saying its all your dh fault and not the ow ignore them because they are talking absolute bollocks! If she knew he was married she is equally as much to blame as he is! You will have had a chance to tell your husband how disgusting his behaviour was etc but you haven’t had that chance with her! We all owe each other common decency and she most certainly didn’t give you any of that!

I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family.

Sure you do. She got involved knowing he was cheating the same way you are staying married knowing that he's a cheater; she risked the breakup of his family exactly as he risked breaking up his family.

Not sure why you're holding her to higher standards than him, or yourself. Your marriage is over, and no amount of misdirected anger is going to change that.

In all likelihood your DH has probably spun her a web of lies about how abusive you are, how the marriage is pretty much over, how unhappy he is in the relationship etc etc He will have hooked her by telling a sob story for sure. I kinda feel sorry for her being used in this way, she obviously probably has very low self esteem and fell for his crap.

Ignore. He probably told her a pack of lies about your relationship and how if was over and you were horrible to him etc. I feel sorry for the ow. He needs to change jobs if you want your relationship to survive. He choose to put his penis in this lady. I'm shocked you choose to blame her when he is the married one. He will cheat again as he got away with it.

Aw this thread is horrible.

It’s amazing to me that a group of women are falling over themselves to defend the OW, whilst at the same time aiming a good kick at the OP who has done nothing wrong.

It’s fine and valid to feel angry with the OW as well as the husband. It’s not on for anyone to tell the OP (or any other person who has been in this position) how she should or should not be feeling.

I mean here is a case in point, really. Someone with this attitude makes a play for your husband and you’re supposed to feel fine about her, even though she knows all about you and just doesn’t care?

My point is men meet women at work and will quite easily have affairs if the women are willing.

It's horrible isn't it, so many omit the fact that they have wives or partners until someone else brings it up or someone finds out via social media or something.

1 - keep the moral high ground and say nothing during the meeting.
2 - the woman owes you nothing. It's your H who betrayed you and his family. He got involved with her even though he has a wife and children. keep that in mind. You don't know what narrative he gave her about the state of his marriage. Not defending the other woman. Not ok what she did but she isn't the one your anger should be directed at. Just ignore her.

Be dignified. I would not be wondering how other woman could fo such a thing pointless.

Maybe it was just sex for her too? She may not have fallen for anything! Perhaps she knew that this affair was all it would ever be, who knows, maybe he fell for her ‘blather’ and convinced himself he was all that? For all we know, she had fun while it lasted, but that’s all it was, fun! Either way, I’d ignore her, she could come back with a retort to OP’s sly comment that would cut OP off at the knees!

Look your best. Hold your head high. Only engage in conversation with her if circumstances demand it. Keep it short and sweet. Don’t be tempted to say anything bitter. You are going to be the most fabulous version of yourself.

Some years ago my cousin’s husband had an affair. He told her he was going to leave. She said fine, but before you do, you owe it to our children to come on the family holiday we have booked and be completely normal. You can tell them afterwards. He agreed and had such a fabulous time as a family that he changed his mind, apologised profusely and grovelled to be allowed to stay. They are still together and the OW at work is a distant memory.

She will spend the evening on tenderhooks worrying about you having a go at her or bringing it all up in front of everyone!

That's unlikely. But nice for OP to tell herself. The other woman likely couldn't care less about OP.