Page 13 | Meeting ow in a group setting

Jellystar · 2025-05-04T17:45:29+00:00

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

kindnessforthewin · 05/05/2025 09:41

Is OW still the lowest of the low targeting a married man now we know that she herself is also married? Those messages were coming thick and fast at the start but now we know she is married, I’ve seen none.

why does this change anything?

Reddog1 · 05/05/2025 09:41

The other problem with turning up hand in hand and pointedly ignoring her is that she might get salty and jealous, and decide she wants the sexual relationship to resume. Do you trust him to demur if this happens? And he may feel the same jealousy if her husband is there with her.

Stay away from the event, OP. And he MUST seek a new job, surely. Niche role or not.

Cherrysoup · 05/05/2025 09:42

No way would I be attending this event and nor would he if he wanted to repair the relationship. Far too hard to sail through ignoring the ow.

kindnessforthewin · 05/05/2025 09:42

B1anche · 05/05/2025 08:33

Does everyone else know about the affair? I once worked somewhere where one of the married men had affair with a colleague. He decided to work things out with his wife, and the other woman continued to work there. The thing is, it was common knowledge, so before any social event there would be a lot of speculation about how the wife would be acting, would they speak etc. She would come along and be quite withdrawn and quiet, while everyone was sniggering and whispering behind her back. I felt very sorry for her and decided I would never put myself in that position. The other woman was very popular and had found a new man (not married or a colleague) so didn't seem phased by it at all. If I were you, I would steer clear of the event.

I doubt it’s common knowledge if both parties are married. It’s different when one of the affair partners is a singleton and blabbing or being indiscreet as work events. Two married people would be much more of a kept secret, probably happens a lot more than people think and know, for that reason.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 05/05/2025 09:49

sammylady37 · 05/05/2025 09:15

Yes, op has ‘won’ a truly wonderful prize…

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"Win" as in, come out of the situation best. If the OP is happy eirking on hef marriage, then that's best. If she was loving life, living without her husband, this would also be best. It's not even really about him (he's not the "prize" in this situation), it's about OPs life satisfaction, however that happens to come about. But doesn't sound like OP is looking forward to this works event at all (I certainly wouldn't either). So agonising over going, then feeling awkward / unhappy at a function, isn't improving OPs life satisfaction, and I personally wouldn't go 🤷‍♀️

BitOutOfPractice · 05/05/2025 09:56

If she were a decent human she wouldn’t go. But we know she’s not so there you go.

Definitely ignore. Don’t give her the satisfaction, keep your dignity.

Comfort yourself with the fact that she’ll be shitting herself about seeing you.

EilishMcCandlish · 05/05/2025 10:01

LindaDarrah · 05/05/2025 09:24

Maybe because the OP wants to turn on the second innocent person in the triangle?
I personally believe OW don't create cheating husbands - forgiving wives do.
Not directed at OP, but I've seen a lot of big bosses having affairs with someone in the office - obvious to anyone who is not blind. And a wife confronting her husband’s latest affair partner at a social event, would look quite foolish.
I struggle to automatically respect a woman simply because she’s married — especially when I’ve witnessed married women throwing themselves at powerful men.
Having a snarky comment on OW here wouldn't add any dignity to OP's position, and yes, the OW has probably got what she wanted, from OP's husband, I doubt she's stupid, and being mean to her in a party - are you sure the OW won't decide to revenge her by sleeping again with OP's husband? How confident is OP in her husband now?

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How is the OW innocent here? She is also married and knowingly had an affair with someone who is married. She is equally as guilty in this situation.
As for your victim blaming 'forgiving wives create cheating husband's crap, I don't even know where to begin with that bullshit. The only people responsible for cheating are the two people who do it, not the unknowing spouse. By the time they know and decide to forgive, the cheating has already happened.

OP didn't come here for judgement and opprobrium for her decision to reconcile. You may not agree with that choice, but you have no right to criticise her for making the decision that was right for her. She still has the option to walk away if she wants.

5128gap · 05/05/2025 10:03

BitOutOfPractice · 05/05/2025 09:56

If she were a decent human she wouldn’t go. But we know she’s not so there you go.

Definitely ignore. Don’t give her the satisfaction, keep your dignity.

Comfort yourself with the fact that she’ll be shitting herself about seeing you.

If she was a decent human being she wouldn't go to her work event so the male colleague who had an affair with her can go and take his wife? Are you really suggesting that the woman in this situation should make the professional sacrifice rather than the man? If so, why?

BadLad · 05/05/2025 10:06

If you do go, and she’s there, it will just be entertaining for all your DH’s colleagues, assuming they know what has happened. They will be watching and hoping for drama.

Bollindger · 05/05/2025 10:08

Make sure you sit with your back to her.
There is nothing worse that having her in your vision.
I did this an ignored the OW.
Apparently all she did was stare at me daggers all night, and she was living with him by then.

LindaDarrah · 05/05/2025 10:09

I think 'crap.- is how cheating husbands treat their wives', so hold your horses.

BigAnne · 05/05/2025 10:12

B1anche · 05/05/2025 08:33

Does everyone else know about the affair? I once worked somewhere where one of the married men had affair with a colleague. He decided to work things out with his wife, and the other woman continued to work there. The thing is, it was common knowledge, so before any social event there would be a lot of speculation about how the wife would be acting, would they speak etc. She would come along and be quite withdrawn and quiet, while everyone was sniggering and whispering behind her back. I felt very sorry for her and decided I would never put myself in that position. The other woman was very popular and had found a new man (not married or a colleague) so didn't seem phased by it at all. If I were you, I would steer clear of the event.

I think when you stay with a cheating partner you're living in a permanent state of humiliation.

ERthree · 05/05/2025 10:13

harriethoyle · 04/05/2025 18:53

Seriously, WHY is your anger towards her and not your husband? Giving him a free pass but wanting to bitch at her, who owes you no loyalty. Get your priorities straight. If you’ve chosen to stay with him because you’ve moved on, you need to actually move on. You’ll look like a maniac if you try and make sly comments to her and you really will not get the satisfaction out of it you’re anticipating.

Think you will find there is anger towards both of them and rightly so. The OW doesn't get away with it scot free because she is a woman. They both deserve hell.

throwawayforobviousreasonspleasedontdeleteme · 05/05/2025 10:14

don't even go and divorce the waster

LindaDarrah · 05/05/2025 10:19

LindaDarrah · 05/05/2025 09:24

Maybe because the OP wants to turn on the second innocent person in the triangle?
I personally believe OW don't create cheating husbands - forgiving wives do.
Not directed at OP, but I've seen a lot of big bosses having affairs with someone in the office - obvious to anyone who is not blind. And a wife confronting her husband’s latest affair partner at a social event, would look quite foolish.
I struggle to automatically respect a woman simply because she’s married — especially when I’ve witnessed married women throwing themselves at powerful men.
Having a snarky comment on OW here wouldn't add any dignity to OP's position, and yes, the OW has probably got what she wanted, from OP's husband, I doubt she's stupid, and being mean to her in a party - are you sure the OW won't decide to revenge her by sleeping again with OP's husband? How confident is OP in her husband now?

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I might've missed that OW is married too - but that only proves my point.

MsCactus · 05/05/2025 10:34

B1anche · 05/05/2025 08:33

Does everyone else know about the affair? I once worked somewhere where one of the married men had affair with a colleague. He decided to work things out with his wife, and the other woman continued to work there. The thing is, it was common knowledge, so before any social event there would be a lot of speculation about how the wife would be acting, would they speak etc. She would come along and be quite withdrawn and quiet, while everyone was sniggering and whispering behind her back. I felt very sorry for her and decided I would never put myself in that position. The other woman was very popular and had found a new man (not married or a colleague) so didn't seem phased by it at all. If I were you, I would steer clear of the event.

Yes - in my experience the wife in this scenario is always pitied. Probably even more so if she "confronted" the OW at a public event rather than ditching her cheating scumbag DH

ThatCyanCat · 05/05/2025 10:40

Blondiebeachbabe · 05/05/2025 09:36

So, let me get this straight - most of the women on here, wouldn't have any anger towards a woman who slept with their husband?

I call BOLLOCKS.

You can be angry with your DH, whilst simultaneously trying to save your marriage, and simultaneously feeling murderous towards the woman involved.

I hate all this holier than thou crap on here sometimes.

Op, your feelings are 100% valid and NORMAL.

I had a boyfriend who cheated many years ago... not the same as a marriage with kids, I realise, but something I had to confront. Honestly didn't care who she was or anything. The point was, he had cheated. Could I trust him again (no), did I want to (no). What else mattered?

If you do want to try to save your marriage, then inevitably you have to come to understand that it is between you and him and that's all that matters. If I'd wanted to work through it - which does mean, effectively, "get over it" - I couldn't have remained feeling "murderous" to anyone. (And of course, "angry" with the cheater, "murderous" with the OW. Of course.) I'm either able to get past it or I'm not. If I still need an object for my murderous feelings over it, I'm not healed and neither is the marriage.

If the marriage ends, I guess it doesn't matter but it's probably easier to accept that it ended because he didn't treat you properly and you did not want to accept someone like that.

sammylady37 · 05/05/2025 10:45

kindnessforthewin · 05/05/2025 09:41

Is OW still the lowest of the low targeting a married man now we know that she herself is also married? Those messages were coming thick and fast at the start but now we know she is married, I’ve seen none.

why does this change anything?

Who says she ‘targeted’ him? Maybe he targeted her? Saying she targeted him makes him sound like an innocent victim preyed upon by a femme fatale, when the reality is he’s just another lying cheat who didn’t care enough about his wife to honour his marriage vows.

kindnessforthewin · 05/05/2025 10:57

sammylady37 · 05/05/2025 10:45

Who says she ‘targeted’ him? Maybe he targeted her? Saying she targeted him makes him sound like an innocent victim preyed upon by a femme fatale, when the reality is he’s just another lying cheat who didn’t care enough about his wife to honour his marriage vows.

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Well, exactly. No one was saying this at the start. If you read back, before OP confirmed the OW was married, the narrative was that women who have affairs with married men are horrific people. It was actually me who asked if she might be married herself. The assumption was that she was single. It’s interesting isn’t it. Now she’s married too, no one is saying anything about her being a horrific person. Single women get a bad name, a married woman having an affair with a married man seems to be less of a talking point.

B1anche · 05/05/2025 11:03

MsCactus · 05/05/2025 10:34

Yes - in my experience the wife in this scenario is always pitied. Probably even more so if she "confronted" the OW at a public event rather than ditching her cheating scumbag DH

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Exactly, being pitied is one of the many reasons I would never 'forgive' a cheating husband.

Stravaig · 05/05/2025 11:17

When OW is single, it's just so handy to reach for the misogynistic trope that she is an evil temptress, who used her wiles on an innocent, if momentarily weak, but essentially devoted husband and father. It absolves him of any real responsibility. Which makes it easy to 'forgive' him and continue as before.

The moment OW is also married, that illusion falls apart. Two married people, who work together, who like each other, respect each other, are attracted to each other, even have feelings for each other, to the extent they are both prepared to risk destroying their families to be together. That possibility is considerably more confronting, and much harder, even impossible, to overlook and continue as before.

In reality they're likely equally selfish and thoughtless.

User37482 · 05/05/2025 11:21

Ignore, your husband is the one that wronged you. In my experience it’s married men who pursue with “my wife doesn’t understand me” bollocks as a starting point. Hold your head high and smile. Personally I’d have got rid of the husband but if you want to keep him thats up to you.

Greenfinch7 · 05/05/2025 12:24

Stravaig · 05/05/2025 07:24

I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family.

Sure you do. She got involved knowing he was cheating the same way you are staying married knowing that he's a cheater; she risked the breakup of his family exactly as he risked breaking up his family.

Not sure why you're holding her to higher standards than him, or yourself. Your marriage is over, and no amount of misdirected anger is going to change that.

This is so horrible, such a profoundly simplistic and unkind way of seeing a marriage.

Bestfadeplans · 05/05/2025 12:30

Why are you going?

She didn't betray you, he did.

Stravaig · 05/05/2025 13:18

I can never fathom the inner logic of forgiving or staying married to an unfaithful husband whilst actively hating and blaming the person he cheated with.

Did the poor wee lambkin wander out of his lovely safe hubby pen only to get hunted down by the horrid tentacley siren and trapped in her scary sex web?

Bless. Best get him safely home again.

Seriously? It just seems nonsensical to me.