Meeting ow in a group setting

[Jellystar]

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

OP, there are a lot of cruel comments on here and as someone in your exact position I had to reply and say I understand and hear you. It's not about saying your husband isn't at fault, it's about saying that she is too. I'm sure you have had many conversations with him, but we don't get to have those conversations with the OW, and that feels unfair. Sounds like your scenario is similar in that she knew what the situation was and made choices too. I could not be in the same room as her as it would break my heart and my self esteem even further. And honestly I'm not sure I could trust myself.

However I agree with other posters. If you want to go, then head high, deep breaths, no alcohol, smile and be dignified.

The fact that she is married too suggests she will be skulking around. My original advice remains. Hold your head high, you’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t drink too much, smile sweetly and show her nothing because she deserves absolutely nothing from you.

There's nothing to handle, just ignore her and spend time with the colleagues of his you know and like.

Just ignore me then

Op she is vile and the lowest scum of the earth but it's happened now. Personally I wouldn't go, why put yourself in her presence?

Thank you so much- Annexlife understands and says it better than I could.

I am horrified by some of the unkind and deeply stupid replies on this thread, and was so relieved to read this one.

I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family.

I wonder how many wives would leave their husband for hitting on a colleague, who is not interested in him in a slightest, and squeezing her out of the job for turning him down?

I'm not so sure…

Mixing up the dregs of left over drinks, into one glass and pouring them over her head, was very satisfying…and not something I regret.

OW - Don't sit there commanding the bar, like you've done nothing wrong, pretending I don't exist.
At least DH showed his shame by walking out of the bar… ( I know, poor woman, left by her lover, with his wife, showing her what a weak piece of sh*t he is).

Disclaimer: this was not a work do and if it had been I would have behaved

Just because someone chooses to stay with an unfaithful partner, it doesn't mean she immediately forgives him, thinks he is blameless, believes everything he says. Why are people nasty to women who choose to try and hold on to the good in a marriage and work through the difficult and bad things?

It is a lengthy and painful process- but worthwhile to some people. There is nothing shameful or stupid about attempting to save a marriage and family.

Why the fuck isn’t he looking for a new job so you don’t have to be subjected to this kind of crap? Exactly what is he doing to fix the damage he’s caused? Because just promising not to sleep with anyone else isn’t enough.

I think that you should seriously consider telling your husband that you have zero interest in going to an event where all of his colleagues are going to be looking at you and judging. Let him explain why he’s alone.

But if you do go, completely ignoring her is definitely the way to go. Not even looking in her direction. If you say anything, then you’ve confirmed to her and to everyone else that you’re the explosive, difficult harpy that he has probably painted you as. Ignore her and you’ll be the dignified one, while she’ll be on tenterhooks all evening, waiting to see if you do try and flush her head down the loo. She is not going to have a fun evening, watching you with him, while she’s keeping her distance to avoid you. If her name is mentioned, then you bite your tongue, completely blank facial expression and rise above it. You will be so relieved that you stayed dignified. And it might be satisfying to think about kicking her stupid face in and calling her all the names under the sun, but you do that in your head, on the way home. You are a strong woman. She does not have the power to destroy your life or harm you. You are not going to give her the satisfaction of thinking she does.

And when you do eventually realise that you are, in fact, a strong woman and that this pathetic man does not deserve you, you will be so, so glad you kept your dignity.

ETA I took so long to post, I missed your update on the job situation!

There’s no way I would go. He needs a new job, if you really want to make a go of it.

You ignore her, simple.
She does not get to know your feelings, and you get to rise above it all.

The OW in my marriage - husband had a 2 month affair a couple of years ago is a neighbour. I see her often, and ignore. To confront or speak would give her a relevance she does not deserve.

Reconciliation is hard, and you owe no one an explanation as to why it is your choice. We are also reconciling. Good luck

Def ignore op.
You really don’t know what your ‘d’ h told her.
For all you know he could have fed her some bullshit and she ended it when she found out.

If he only admitted it when it had ended it would have been to protect himself, nothing about your feelings and I wouldn’t be taking his version of events as gospel.
If you do decide to say something be prepared to hear something you might not like in return.

If you have forgiven your husband what’s the point in saying anything to her?

Just ignore her.

I haven’t RTFT but treat her as if she doesn’t exist. Head held high, shoulders back, you’ve got this!

Just ignore her. There's nothing to be gained by talking to her.

Well I've had several married men come on to me at work. They all told me there was no relationship with their wives, they wished they met me first, I was their real love... Etc etc

I had the sense to turn them down but one of them, who was very persistent, his wife found out how he'd been behaving and he told her it was all me. She hated me - despite the fact I'd turned this sleazy man down and had no interest on him - and six years later is still with him. She probably hates me but every time I see her I feel really sorry for her because of the horrible things he said to me about her when he was trying it on with me.

If I turned up at an event and she made a sly/cutting remark I wouldn't feel angry, I'd feel even more sorry for her, because she has a sleazy partner trying it on with other women and he's really pulled the wool over her eyes.

I admit I never kissed or did anything with her partner - I turned him down, so not quite the same as your partner's affair. But I wanted to tell you my experience because it's likely your partner painted your relationship as dead and said nasty things to her about you, and she might even feel sorry for you. Do not make things worse by confronting her - he's the one who has betrayed you.

I agree with all the posts saying why are you even going?
why is he even considering going himself, let alone taking you to be humiliated, have your face rubbed it’ll it etc and why hasn’t he found a new job? I haven’t read the full thread yet but I’m hoping there an update from you saying he’s got a new job.
i couldn’t imagine any occasion where I’d willingly put myself in the company of a woman my partner was shagging behind my back, especially when I am still with the cheating arsehole.
you owe yourself more

I wouldn't. You have chosen to forgive him so you need to move forward. She is irrelevant.

Cold reality is whilst I would never knowingly go with a man with a family mainly because I cba with the drama but IF I did, I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m single. I didn’t make vows to you, I don’t love you and I didn’t make you promises. The only person at fault here is your husband but it’s easier to blame the OW. I get it.

I imagine your desire to kick out at her is because you have agreed to work on your marriage with the cheat and I guess part of that means you don’t throw it in his face all the time.

I don’t know how you have forgiven infidelity, it would eat me alive. The doubt, the worry, the insecurities it would bring. Good luck, I hope your decision was the right one.

I think his niche job is a weak argument. Loads of people can’t get roles in the careers they trained in. He needs to make a sideways move or take a temp pay cut until the right opportunity comes along otherwise you’ll be torturing yourself as long as they still work together.
also how do you know this is the first work affair or even the last?
forgiveness is the easy part

This happened to me too. He was my boss. Made it quite clear he was interested in me. He was a nice chap but I wasn't interested at all. I was in a difficult position as was still in my probationary period. He used to send me messages. His wife saw one and thought we were having an affair. It was so bloody embarrassing. He told he I was coming onto him. I messaged her and told her in no uncertain terms I was not. And he was totally unprofessional and inappropriate. She believed me as he admitted the truth.

With hindsight I should have gone to hr but it really didn't bother me. I just thought he was a bit pathetic.

10 years later we still work together. I just feel so sorry for his wife and their crap marriage. He still admits he would like to be with be which is just totally and utterly pathetic and sad really as he is still with his wife. Obviously unhappy but no better option. Men tend not to leave unless they have a replacement lined up.

To the op. My point is men meet women at work and will quite easily have affairs if the women are willing.

"I just feel so sorry for his wife and their crap marriage. He still admits he would like to be with me which is just totally and utterly pathetic and sad really as he is still with his wife."

Yes - even after all this happened this man still said he'd rather me with me and tried to contact me for three years (!) afterwards. I changed job and ignored his messages for years.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has experienced this - I still feel sorry for his wife...

They will all be pitying you for the fact that you've stayed @Jellystar I'm afraid, so I wouldn't worry about the rest of it......I hope you find some self-confidence to leave.