DH said he's leaving because I'm having another drink

[Swimswimmswimswimswim]

I have just hosted all my in laws 8 adults and more children, including my own 4 under 5! Full roast dinner, made it, cooked it, cleaned it, cleaned entire house before and looked after everyone. No one else did anything really other than DH carving the meat. I have filled everyone's drinks ho5 and cold. Fed dn a snack by hand. Bf one of my dc and now after they have left I have opened another bottle of wine and said this one is mine. DH has said if I drink it he is leaving. Aibu to tell him to crack on as I have had enough!

I think you know why he said this. When you're ready to stop, try hypnotherapy - it saved my life. X

Two separate issues.

If my partner said they were going to sit and drink a bottle of wine, after presumably sharing other bottles during the day, then I'd be hugely concerned about their alcohol intake.

The fact you are proposing this, and his response suggests it isn't a one off / out of the blue action but an ongoing problem.

This obviously becomes even more of an issue if you are breastfeeding.

Completely separate from this is why on earth you spent the day waiting on everyone when there were 7 other adults there ?
Again, even worse that you have a breastfed baby and you let them get away with this. Absolutely the family should see, and offer, but if they don't then you need to use your words and actions.

You've thrown out all the info about how much you did as a distraction and it's worked. It's irrelevant.

That's too much wine to drink and you sound like you have a problem. I feel sorry for your husband. Living with an addict is soul destroying.

Ps I use to do all the orchestrated martyrdom. Burn myself out, host extravagant dinners, decline help and then throw a tantrum when i felt hard done by because of it. (Great excuse to drink isn't it ) I grew boundaries when I stopped and didn't martyr myself with people that didn't give in return.

@SquashedMallow it strikes me that the grip of a drinking problem is so strong that you would exhaust and martyr yourself just for an excuse to drink. That is pretty dysfunctional. Glad you managed to escape its grasp.

As the ex of a former alcoholic I strongly suspect your bottle of wine is the last straw. The dinner stuff is a separate issue. Be honest, do you rely too much on alcohol (regardless of why).

You have young children you both need to think about.

High tolerance doesn’t mean your liver has though.

If people around you think/suspect you have a drink problem then you probably do.

.

You sound a little drunk tho OP. If kids in the house maybe best to leave the wine for this evening.

I feel sorry for OP catering for all her husband's family, when none of then help out. Wonder if they ever return the invite.

"That's too much wine to drink." OP hasn't said how much was involved.

I have an extremely hight tolerance but don't actually drink very often. I don't need any help, thanks

Why are you breastfeeding and drinking alcohol? That is very irresponsible.

It sounds like you are drinking more than a bottle wine in one evening and have a breastfed baby and 3 other very young children. That is not ok. You have worked extremely hard today with very little help, but you need to change that bit, rather than rewarding yourself with 2 bottles of wine.

If you know about breastfeeding and alcohol, you won’t be drinking a bottle of wine to yourself, unless you are not planning to breastfeed until the next day…. Maybe you are planning to swap to bottle feeding until tomorrow, but i don’t think I could be a good mum to 4 kids under 5 on the hangover from a bottle of wine….

A lot of these replies on here finding excuses for the op , have probably had a raw nerve hit with their own drinking habits /quantities. This is often the case.

A drinker in the throes will cling to these replies and use them to justify their drinking behaviour and further use it to convince themselves they're ok

Be very careful about fuelling that viewpoint.

A husband doesn't threaten to leave over an exhausted wife cracking open a bottle of pinot. Trust me, this is the tip of the iceberg.

I always find it surprising that on MN so many people try to justify excessive drinking as quite normal and not a problem. It very much is a problem and it affects children and partners living with an alcoholic.

Tell him to fuck off. Have at it.

There are two issues here:

1. you need to sort out a fairer split of duties with your husband and stop martyring yourself.
2. a whole bottle of wine on a regular basis is binge-drinking. While breastfeeding is even more concerning. Please get help for this problem!

I voted unreasonable, Op.
I'd have opened the bottle and said - sit down and have one with me, DH, I'm exhausted. Do you think everyone had a good night?

You did all of that hosting, well done, but, especially with four small children, I bet DH would have helped in many ways had you asked, as would have the guests.
A very particular person who seems totally in control is hard to help unless they specifcally direct people to help with certain tasks.
You need to skill up on your approach, Op. Become good at sharing the load and delegating.

Only then will you truly relax enough to enjoy one of your big family roast dinners.

Also suggest going to eat roasts at the inlaws' place sometimes too. The kids will learn to cope with eating at other houses.

🥂 cheers

Planning to drink a whole bottle of wine as a way to relax isn't a healthy relationship with alcohol.

What kind of person are you when you drink? I'm a pita, so I don't drink for 99.9% of the time and if I do I have one or 2 glasses of wine and no more. Older wiser and happier because of it. If you become a pita I sympathise with your husband.

I would be concerned if someone said they were drinking a bottle of wine while breastfeeding. The obvious effect on the baby but also if you are really tired after doing all of that work, then drinking a few glasses of wine/bottle.of wine, if you became unsteady or fell asleep breastfeeding the baby, that would really concern me.

Anyone who could sit back and watch all that going on and not offer to help or just help without asking, then there is something messed up in your marital relationship and or your family. Stop being a martyr and reconfigure your relationship roles and responsibilities.

Your final response seems a bit off hand and so to me it seems like you don't like what you're hearing back from mumsnet. Are you minimising your drinking to yourself?

Thanks for this. I was wondering why the initial post sounded familiar and I was sure that I read it a while ago so I was confused to see that this is a fairly new post.

You're not unreasonable to be fed up and want a treat/want to relax. And he may not be unreasonable to want to be away from you when you drink if there have previously been issues with your behaviour when drinking/inability to stop. But obviously your husband can't just "leave" if the two of you have four children under five in the house. Is he assuming you'll just take care of them until he decides to return? Tell him no.