Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

What a strange view! We don’t have children for transactional reasons but is it unreasonable to expect that people take some time to help care for loved ones in various ways?
Or is this a foreign concept?

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Such a massive reach.

Are you seriously suggesting the OP divorces her husband over this difference in opinion ?

He also became angry and confrontational.

Absolutely this.

I can't believe the responses on this thread.

Probably after his dead dad was likened to fussing with some curtains. I too would become angry and confrontational...

Twice a day is a pain in the ass, but I still feel he should be gracious and just get on with it.

I don't think she left him much choice tbh!.

She asks him to do it; he says no, it's too much; then she starts to challenge him on what else he has to do with his time .

How often do we hear on MN that "no" is a complete sentence 🙄

Exactly. It makes zero sense to me. I still don't think he's being unreasonable.

He got annoyed because OP threw his dead father back at him

I would too

How the fuck did she throw his dead father back at him?

She merely pointed out that when his father was dying, she gave ‘a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath’ .

This man is a selfish twat.

OP, you’ve just seen your future with this man, he won’t be taking care of you, let alone your parents.

And not setting the burglar alarm we have fitted!

Yes
"You won't go do this pointless task for my DP? After ALL they did whilst your dad was DYING? You're so ungrateful"
Is throwing his dead dad back in his face

Then he should have taken care of his own dad. Selfish twat.

You are a very angry person

He DID take care of his own dad. He needed a little help. As we all do. With actual, proper tasks

Not opening and closing the bloody curtains

Two sides to every story. Perhaps the person wiling to dedicate an hour a day to curtains isn't necessarily the best judge of what is "enough support"...

Exactly.

We have no idea what their relationship was like or how much support he offered.

I would also bet good money that a woman wouldn’t be judged and insulted for refusing to travel for an hour to open/close curtains - but of course this is a bloke so his place is in the wrong 😑

I can almost guarantee had the roles being reversed it would have been:

"Oh so because he helped your dying mother then you should bend over backwards to help his family? Selfish twat!"

"Your mother just died, he should show some compassion"

"It's his parents, you don't have to do extra for them"

Etc

From the same posters currently calling him a selfish twat for not doing it

Absolutely this.

I would also bet good money that a woman wouldn’t be judged and insulted for refusing to travel for an hour to open/close curtains - but of course this is a bloke so his place is in the wrong

Also agree with this. She'd be told the husband shouldn't have volunteered her time, at the very least.

Cannot believe so many posts calling him a selfish twat. Are all those posters inveterate people-pleasers? I wouldn't even consider doing something so inessential.

I must be an awful daughter but when I first read it, I thought to myself ‘that is the most stupid pointless idea I have ever heard (pulling curtains to discourage a burglar?) and if it was me I would tell my parents I had done this every day but would never actually do it’

MN is full of people pleasers who seem to be incapable of enforcing boundaries.

I do think there is a difference between providing support in genuine emergencies and difficulties (e.g. a parent’s death) and facilitating someone else’s anxiety. There are practical solutions the OP’s parents can take that will not inconvenience anybody, and that is what they should do. And OP: please do not compare the support you provided your partner on the death of his parent to your parents needing their curtains to be opened and closed everyday because they are on holiday. That is unfair.

Considering they have been helpful to you and now they are asking for him to do this 6 times: yes he is an inconsiderate son in law.

A particularly nasty, sarcastic response.

My time is in fact precious, especially in the mornings before work. It is far too precious to spend shlepping across to someone else's house to do something so inconsequential.

How dare you even think of "telling anyone off" for this. Shame on you.