Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

Which bit was callous?

"He didn't do as much as I felt he should but when I pestered him he did more" is not the same as "doing nothing"

And you've criticised me for not comprehending a thread before

Comparing being compassionate and looking after someone's cat so they can be with a DYING parent to opening the bloody curtains

But then, seeing your edit to the other post, it's clear you are indeed a very callous person who despises men

“DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).”

Exactly where in the above quote does the OP “clearly” state that she supported her FIL? She says she provided support but does not specify if that support was directly to her FIL or her DH. And I am not dismissing women’s labour at all. And I, as a woman, would also refuse to spend potentially two hours a day opening and closing curtains for grown adults who already have a burglar alarm.

Your comprehension skills, or lack thereof, are showing again. Can you quote where I said he did nothing for his dad? You can’t because I never said it.

Thank you. I do think people lose perspective on this app sometimes. I would be utterly furious with my partner if she ever compared my parent dying to some bloody curtains.

What are you even talking about? I said they looked after OP’s and DH’s cat so they could support his dad. How is that callous?

And what was this egregious edit you speak of? I’ve only added in the things I wanted to add in, not removed anything.

You and Huffle really enjoy twisting things eh? That’s what happens when you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I said that OP’s parents usually ask for nothing so it would be nice to do this small thing for them, especially given how much OP supported DH and FIL in their time of need.

Way to go twisting that though, have a medal.

And nowhere does it say he helped his own dad.

when he didn’t step up for him

Both quotes from you saying he didn't help his own dad

HTH

I can't even be bothered with you any more

You are a callous, vindictive man hater who will never see how wrong you are and incompassionate you are being

You are adding in crazed vitriol, calling posters Misogynistic just because they support a man and implying that they are happy for women to do work for men when what's been said is literally no one should be being made to do pointless tasks

Get over yourself and take a look in the mirror. You disgust me

No, YOU said that the OP said DH helped his own dad and OP gave ‘ a little help’.

I pointed out that OP never actually said that.

You’ve somehow twisted that into me saying DH did nothing. i mainly pointed out that OP didn’t actually describe what her DH actually did.

And OP did say her DH didn’t step up, except at the end.

Exactly

It's so unbelievably callous to keep bringing up looking after the cat whilst his dad was dying as if it's in any way comparable to asking for the curtains to be closed and opened whilst on holiday, especially when they refuse to use their alarm!

Wow, talk about true colours.

OK those quotes are literally you saying DH did nothing but sure

You don't like being called out for what you are do you?

OP says she gave a lot of support (including during the illness). It’s obvious to me she supported both DH AND FIL.

How convenient that you’re so desperate to believe OP did nothing for her FIL, even though there is literal evidence that DH didn’t even step up for his own father.

No, they don’t say that. I thought you said you would stop posting to me? Since you have been so verbally abusive, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t address any further posts to me.

Nothing amuses me more on MN than people being actually abusive then claiming others are being abusive and telling them not to reply to them

It's usually when they have been called out for their views and they have no actual response

they leave the radio on 24/7

I hope they check with their neighbour(s) if they're connected by a wall, as that would drive me insane.

Sounds like your parents need automatically opening curtains, and save everyone the trouble. Your DH is not being unreasonable, especially as the ask is completely unreasonable.

Well as long as it’s obvious to you.

Exactly. The only silver lining is this has brought home to OP just how selfish her husband is and she can take steps accordingly.

You’re free to out your own interpretation on it, no one’s stopping you.

Exactly. If they are using the radio as a deterrent then it would need to be quite loud for someone outside the house to hear it.

Given the neighbours have agreed to the curtain pulling, I doubt they are disturbed by the radio. OP hasn’t said it’s on full blast.

It seems to me that this thread is about love languages.
For OP and some others on this thread, showing someone your love is demonstrated through doing tasks for them, even if the validity of those tasks is questionable.

Whereas I am a practical person. We do not know what the OPs DH would do if her DPs were ill, based on him not wanting to do a pointless task. DH has been a huge practical support with my DPs who are facing some health challenges, but I would expect him to push back on something unnecessary, just like I would.

It’s not supporting people by helping fuel their unnecessary anxieties. A switched on burglar alarm will be a lot more effective against burglars than some twitching curtains and people going in and out of the property.

If it were me I would pay the £70 and fit the Amazon curtain opener and closer and resolve the whole thing at source.