Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

Would you tell a woman she was inconsiderate for not wanting to waste over an hour of her time opening someone else’s curtains?

And you are a person who thinks women exist to help men but not vice versa.

Sounds like OP did a lot more than ‘a little help’. And nowhere does it say he helped his own dad.

What’s more, OP’s parents have been financially supporting this selfish twat AND her parents looked after their cat so she could help DH’s dad.

It’s good OP is seeing this twat’s true colours and can watch out for more selfish behaviour.

Well said. This should be pinned under the OP.

Yes why not? The lady who posted this mentioned her parents have helped them out a lot. They are asking for a favour because they are going on a holiday which they haven’t been able to do for a long time. So yes the husband is a twat. I think the wife thinks so too. She is abroad for work so can’t assist. I don’t think you even read the post?

Exactly. The misogyny is apparent in this thread, how dare a woman ask a man for help.

You really think this man is going to support when her parents are sick? He will 💯 find an excuse. It’s women who get pigeon holed as carers, even for in laws, never men.

I think doing this x 2 a day when it’s a half hour round trip each time plus the time taken to check is a bit much in all honesty .
Compromise?
Maybe husband could do it once a day ?
And if a neighbour is checking in as well I think that is enough.
We have no one to do this for us , we put lights on a timer in rooms and leave curtains and blinds sort of half closed.
we also set our alarm , give a neighbour a key for emergency only and the neighbour will push our wheelie bins back round the side for us too .
I don’t like to ask anyone for more than that

This has absolutely nothing to do with misogyny.
People are not reacting so strongly because he is a man, but because the task is completely unnecessary.

If anything it’s sexism the other way round. Man is judged by woman and found wanting on how he handled his own DFs passing - and from my own experience DH is simply a lot more practical than I am and does not see the additional emotional elements that I might <and end up exhausted and unable to do anything because I am trying to be all things to all people>.

Man is then judged and found wanting by woman for not wanting to do said unnecessary task, and then this unneeded job is talked about as being comparable to support provided when his DF died.

Frankly I am on team DH and it’s not because of gender.

But the context is important here. These people ask for nothing.

So when they ask you for ONE thing, it’s ok to do something nice for someone.

And the misogyny is apparent in that OP described the help she gave when her FIL died and it was dismissed as a ‘little help’. Because women’s labour is not valued. And a man is deemed too important, his time too precious, to do this thing for his in laws, who have done A LOT for him.

As I said in my post, there is a difference between a genuine emergency/need and facilitating someone’s behaviour. I’ll use an example from my own life: I stopped providing administrative/emotional support to my own parents when it became clear that they refused to put any measures in place to help themselves. But I am still on hand for illness etc. I will not provide support to grown adults who are relying on me simply because they have not bothered to find appropriate coping mechanisms for everyday situations.

And comparing the support provided during a parent’s death to not wanting to waste time opening and closing curtains for two weeks is ridiculous. I would be furious with my partner if they ever used that as any sort of justification.

And on an additional note: nobody should be expected to support their partner’s parents if they are ill. The OP may wish to correct me but I don’t think that’s what she implied in her post. I read it as the support she provided to her partner, which is perfectly valid and should be reciprocated. If, however, she did provide a lot of support to her partner’s dad directly, then that’s another matter.

they have a burglar alarm but won't turn it on for this trip as they'd rather have the in person check.

What? they have a burglar alarm but dont want to turn it on? Whats the point of it then?

Oh and I’m a woman in a same-sex relationship and my response to my wife asking me to do this would be the same as the OP’s husband’s. Make of that what you will.

Again, your parents are different, they did that repeatedly. But OP’s parents are self-sufficient. They ask for nothing! This is a one-off request from people who are incredibly supportive of OP AND her DH, and they also looked after the cat so OP and DH could support his dying FIL!

Exactly. They helped in an emergency situation. It’s not the same thing.

I don’t think you took in my post.

By your logic, OP should have refused to help her FIL because it wasn’t an emergency,

Your parents are being unreasonable. It’s all pointless faff opening and closing curtains.

i would go to a house to water plants or feed a cat but that’s all

What on earth are you talking about? I would say someone dying constitutes an emergency. Get a grip.

Not necessarily an emergency, the DH would have to support his own dad if OP wasn’t there. Get a grip yourself.

Okay, you really seem to be struggling here. If I am supporting MY PARTNER to get through their parent’s death, that is not me providing support to their parents. It is completely different.

It literally says he "stepped up" to OP's expectations. It never says he was doing NOTHING

I don't expect women to serve men. If it was role reversed I'd STILL say it was ridiculous to expect the woman to do it. Because it is

He's a grieving man not willing to do a pointless task for people who won't even just use their damn alarm! That's all

Op Has clearly said she supported her FIL during his illness. How is that not supporting him? So you see, it’s you that’s struggling here.

Once again, you seem to dismiss women’s labour as the default option.

No, she said ‘FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.’

This prick sounds worse and worse. There is no way he’s lifting a finger when OP’s parents are ill.

And there’s always those that are ready to excuse him. Doesn’t sound like this man is grieving for his dad when he didn’t step up for him. He likely only stepped up at the end when he thought the wider family would judge him.

No

They asked for an entirely POINTLESS thing and aren't willing to use their alarm

We don't know what OP offered and what her DH was doing, only that OP deemed it inadequate until she browbeat him

None of us who support the DH saying no would expect the OP to do the same pointless task if role reversed

Of course I can read the post 🤣

I just don’t think anyone, man or woman, should be made to do an hour round trip each day to open and close some bloody curtains.

Do you realise just how callous that makes you sound?