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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

523 replies

AnnieG1986 · 04/05/2025 14:19

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 05/05/2025 15:38

Get a TV security light. When you look from outside the TV looks like it's on.

Available on Amazon.

CloudywMeatballs · 05/05/2025 15:40

A 30 minute round trip bike ride just to draw the curtains? A massively unreasonable and unnecessary ask.

UnstableCow · 05/05/2025 16:01

Mosaic123 · 05/05/2025 15:38

Get a TV security light. When you look from outside the TV looks like it's on.

Available on Amazon.

Our neighbour’s got one and at first we thought their house was on fire. Looked really weird.

FedupofArsenalgame · 05/05/2025 16:25

BustingBaoBun · 05/05/2025 14:57

My god do things like this exist?!

We once left our house for two and a half months with ,if I remember correctly, just a couple of checks on it and neighbours using and putting the bins out and back

How is the OPs parents going to cope with bins not being put out. That's a telltale sign

Show quote history

Yes can buy on Amazon

Aizen · 05/05/2025 17:43

Pretend it will be done.

Go over the day they return, put some essentials in the fridge etc.

Make sure you know what time they are back, and go on the day of return to either open or close the damned curtains to keep up the pretence!

CommonAsMucklowe · 05/05/2025 17:49

AnnieG1986 · 04/05/2025 14:42

OK thanks everyone - sounds like perhaps I have been a bit quick to judge my DH. I don't however think I've been unpleasant or selfish, just trying to manage a tricky situation as best I could. My parents are very nervous about this sort of thing - they have a burglar alarm but won't turn it on for this trip as they'd rather have the in person check. They have timer lights and they leave the radio on 24/7. Points taken.

They have a burglar alarm they won't switch on? Ok right 🙄

Laura95167 · 05/05/2025 18:02

Has DH had grief counselling?

I think it would be a pain to do, but I'd do it for my ILs especially if they'd been helpful to me. But it sounds like when his dad was ill he tried to ignore it and while I understand him saying he doesn't want to help ILs he seems quite grumpy and confrontational. I wonder if hes struggling

Lollylucyclark101 · 05/05/2025 18:09

AnnieG1986 · 04/05/2025 14:19

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

I think this is a very old fashioned thing to do. Going open/close the curtains morning and night is a big ask, especially if you’re 15 mins away. That’s at least a 30 min journey alone!

Get a couple timer plugs and put them on lamps to come on/off at certain times and get your parents to invest in a doorbell camera and an indoor camera. We have both (the indoor one is mainly for the dog).

id understand if they said “pop in and check the house twice a week”, but every day? I can’t see the point in it. I think your husband is correct. A couple of times a week, paired with the neighbours a couple of times a week is enough.

I also feel “well his parents….. bla bla bla blah” is all rather childish. I’d support my husband, speak to your parents and get them to understand what they’re asking is 1) silly, 2) a big ask and 3) get them to buy cameras (you/your husband and them can have access?!)

Cacophonist · 05/05/2025 18:13

This is laid this on so thick. The stuff about them looking after the cat when his dad was dying, honestly, even mentioning this is ghoulish.

Mandemikc · 05/05/2025 18:30

You're in a marriage, not a tit-for-tat relationship. If you are keeping score, you'll always have these issues and generate false connections. Let it go, get a lamp timer, the neighbor can get the mail.

Chewygummy · 05/05/2025 18:30

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gcsunnyside23 · 05/05/2025 18:33

I initially thought he was being unreasonable but after update etc he's not. It's an hour and a half a day for a task that won't prevent a break in. Also biking so not easy as going in the car, it could be lashing down. Why won't your parents use the alarm?? Their insurance won't pay out if there is a break in and they haven't activated it. I also think it was poor form mentioning help during a recent bereavement, you could allude to.how they support etc but jeez op have some tact, no wonder he got angry

SonK · 05/05/2025 18:40

It depends how family orientated you are. I would personally have no issues doing this as a favour as we always do all lot for eachother as family.

You mentioned your partner didn't support his mum and brother much during his father's death - that's very telling with regards to how he values family perhaps.

Also, I think you and your partner are not on the same page and I would think twice about having children together x

tommyhoundmum · 05/05/2025 18:40

AnnieG1986 · 04/05/2025 14:42

OK thanks everyone - sounds like perhaps I have been a bit quick to judge my DH. I don't however think I've been unpleasant or selfish, just trying to manage a tricky situation as best I could. My parents are very nervous about this sort of thing - they have a burglar alarm but won't turn it on for this trip as they'd rather have the in person check. They have timer lights and they leave the radio on 24/7. Points taken.

I would probably have done it for your parents if they felt so anxious about their home whilst they were away.

Teddybear23 · 05/05/2025 19:29

He doesn’t sound like long term this relationship will work, he’s too selfish. If you had children and you were ill would he look after you or them. Get rid☹️

OhHellolittleone · 05/05/2025 19:49

Soontobe60 · 04/05/2025 14:32

I never asked my DH to do anything for my parents when they were alive, and he never asked me to do anything for his mum when she was alive.
As a parent, I’ve not had children with the expectation that they will look after me when I’m old. Making your DH feel guilty over what he was prepared to do for his own DH is pretty shitty IMO. The fact that you chose to step up and do stuff was entirely your choice.
Wondering what will happen when your parents get elderly is a bit odd - are you expecting to do things to help them? He married you, not your parents!

I cannot fathom is attitude. No one has to help anyone. But society is, and should Be,
based on people stepping up. What a sad little life to think otherwise.

croydon15 · 05/05/2025 20:14

There's no point having a burglars alarm if you are not using it.

HuffleMyPuffle · 05/05/2025 20:27

Teddybear23 · 05/05/2025 19:29

He doesn’t sound like long term this relationship will work, he’s too selfish. If you had children and you were ill would he look after you or them. Get rid☹️

These are ridiculous comparisons

We don't know how much support he offered other than OP felt it "wasn't enough"

Which could have be anything like he refused to visit every day, he refused to give his mother a lift, he refused to ring the hospital every day, he refused to text his mother constantly... and all of which can vary depending on the needs and wants of the other person too

JustCopyeditorsAnnie · 05/05/2025 21:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gowlett · 05/05/2025 21:57

They’d be better off using the burglar alarm than this set-up.

Helen483 · 05/05/2025 22:01

Squarestones · 04/05/2025 14:45

I'd be upset too, it's not like you are asking him to do it all. I cycle 15 min there and back to do errands for my MIL and I know my DH would do the same for my mum - we are family, his are mine and mine are his - and it's not a massive commitment of time imo

It's not an errand. They have a burglar alarm ... but they don't want to use it 🙄
Wait. What!?!

Get real op. An hour a day going backwards and forwards for no good reason? I certainly wouldn't do it.

BlondiePortz · 05/05/2025 22:06

There is no reason other than using anxiety, no it is not fair to ask

celticprincess · 05/05/2025 22:11

You see, I have blinds and curtains. No one sees my curtains as my blinds are always closed. My neighbour even commented the other day he never sees my upstairs one open. lol. The kids put their blinds up and down as they like more daylight in their rooms. The downstairs have either vertical or the horizontal tilt ones. I sometimes tilt them enough for light but not enough that it would be obvious if we are in or not. I have about half my lights on Alexa. Once I left my kitchen light on overnight and my neighbour texted the next morning to check I was ok and wondered if I’d been up poorly!!

We went away for a month. Gave neighbour the key but said to only go inside in an emergency. Don’t have a ring doorbell.

when my mum went away for a month she asked me to just go in once a week to make sure post wasn’t building up and to put bins in and out.

I’m not sure why they need a twice daily noise check. It really is overkill. I’d have probably agreed to them to do it but in reality wouldn’t have necessarily worried about missing a day or two.

Thefsm · 05/05/2025 22:14

I wouldn’t want to do that. Getting out a bike and riding over half an hour just for curtains? No chance. I’d do it to feed pets.

PicklesMacGraw · 05/05/2025 22:16

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but does their home insurance only cover them if their burglar alarm is activated when they are away from home?