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Original poster

Gender Disappointment

172 replies

EmmaSmith96 · 04/05/2025 09:44

I found out the gender of my baby yesterday, a boy. I’ve always wanted a little girl for as long as I can remember, but always thought that I wouldn’t care when the time came to actually be pregnant. But I haven’t stopped crying since finding out I’m having a boy and I’m filled with guilt. I’ve struggled mentally the whole way through this pregnancy, people would congratulate me and I wonder why, because I don’t want them to say that because it doesn’t feel like a celebration. Don’t get me wrong, if I found out I couldn’t have kids it probably would have destroyed me, but I don’t know if I have ever really truly wanted one. I’ve been reading up about gender disappointment and everyone says that I will feel differently when he is here. However, I’ve still got 5 months of this pregnancy to go dreading that when he is hear I will feel nothing, because since finding out I’ve felt nothing towards my unborn child which fills me with guilt!! I know a few people personally who have struggled with fertility and we conceived this baby so quickly, yet the whole situation just seems like an inconvenience. I’ve had to change so much about my life, my business that I’ve worked so hard on for years is in jeopardy financially with me going off to have this baby, I’m so body conscious and am really struggling with the way I look, which I’d finally found peace with after so many years before finding out I’m pregnant. I just don’t see how I can love this child when I have no feelings at all towards it and never have.

From a girl who’s struggling so much 💔

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 04/05/2025 09:51

Why get pregnant when you knew you were only wanting a girl, a child isn't a doll. This is a baby, not a plaything you dress up and pretend to be mummy. Why did you get pregnant? Was it dad pushing for it?

User79853257976 · 04/05/2025 09:51

You need to speak to your midwife about your mental health. Remember that babies are not accessories to just dress up etc.

ellyoctober · 04/05/2025 09:52

How were you envisioning life with a girl? Can you tweak your mindset to enjoy those things with your son?

Bridestone · 04/05/2025 09:54

It seems deeply unwise to have deliberately got pregnant while knowing you would only be happy to continue the pregnancy if the baby was one sex? I mean, do you actually want a child or not?

Maye88 · 04/05/2025 09:55

Gender disappointment is not uncommon. Definitely discuss with your midwife with how your feeling. I've known loads of mums feel the exact way you do. Pregnancy and all that comes with it is very overwhelming. As soon as little one is here, you will be over joyed and what you feel today will be a distant memory xx

Stickortwigs · 04/05/2025 09:56

Just try and remember that all children and people are individuals. The things you imagined doing with a girl might not have happened anyway - they may have different interests.

I always wanted a girl but when they handed me my son it felt like the most right and perfect thing that he was a boy. And he didn’t disappoint.

Good luck with your pregnancy. xx

MintTwirl · 04/05/2025 09:56

This is about more than being a bit sad that it’s a boy. It is very clear from your post that your mental health is suffering, please speak to your midwife and perhaps ask for this post to be removed because some people will be very unkind on here.

Holdonforsummer · 04/05/2025 09:56

I’m also interested in why you chose to get pregnant? No one ever knows what they are going to get when they have a child. The child could - and probably will - be something entirely different from anything you could have imagined. And they could be severely disabled. No one should get pregnant unless they are prepared to accept you are taking a step into the unknown and are prepared to face that. Good luck.

SheridansPortSalut · 04/05/2025 09:56

With kindness, I don't think that the gender of the baby is the issue here. You're not well.

Nomoreidea · 04/05/2025 09:56

This doesn't sound like gender disappointment as you were unhappy before you knew the sex.
You need to speak to someone - both about your plans for the future and your concern you aren't feeling attached.
Not sure I felt attached to my first until much closer to the end, when you could feel kicks etc.
Talk to someone.

DoYouReally · 04/05/2025 09:57

You need to get help with your mental health.

Not just on the gender issue but for everything you are feeling regarding this pregnancy.

FloraBotticelli · 04/05/2025 09:58

Some hugely judgemental replies so far. I cried when I found out I was having a boy and felt terribly guilty - I’d always imagined having a girl for some reason and having the reality was a bit of a surprise. But we have the best relationship now. Children rarely turn out how you imagine them to be - not in sex, personality, talents etc!

It’s a huge change becoming a mother and I think it’s normal to grieve your old life and feel ambivalent about your new life until you adjust and things settle down. Especially if the pregnancy was a surprise and you haven’t done all that thinking and adjusting in advance - some people have and great for them, but life doesn’t always go perfectly!

Have you heard of the idea of matresence? It might help make some sense of what you’re going through.

Is it all bad, or is there some good mixed in as well?

DragonBalls · 04/05/2025 10:00

toomuchfaff · 04/05/2025 09:51

Why get pregnant when you knew you were only wanting a girl, a child isn't a doll. This is a baby, not a plaything you dress up and pretend to be mummy. Why did you get pregnant? Was it dad pushing for it?

This is a very twatty response to someone who is clearly struggling with their mental health.

Evaka · 04/05/2025 10:01

Hi OP, sounds like this pregnancy is very hard on you. Definitely seek some MH support.

WhereIsMyJumper · 04/05/2025 10:02

I second the suggestion of professional help OP.

I would also say that perhaps it’s hitting you how much of a huge change it’s going to be having a baby. Perhaps you’re already grieving for your old life and are very apprehensive about what this new one will bring. I would say that’s in the range of normal. I went through feeling all of this, though perhaps not to the same extent.
I also imagined having a girl and had a boy. I wouldn’t say I was massively disappointed but now I have him (he is nearly 8) I wouldn’t swap him for the world. I’m now so so glad I had a boy. We are very close.

AlastheDaffodils · 04/05/2025 10:02

One suggestion: give him a name. Even if it’s just a silly one and you change it when he’s born. That way it stops being “I’m pregnant with a boy” and becomes “I’m pregnant with my son Bob” (or whatever name you choose). “I can’t wait to meet him.”

Think about what clothes you’ll dress him in when he’s born. Think about the games you’ll play with him when he’s two. Think about what his first words might be, his first day of school, his first day of secondary school, the first time he has girl (or boy!) problems and asks your advice. The day he graduates. The day he gets married.

In short, turn him from generic “boy” into your son, your firstborn, your flesh and blood.

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 04/05/2025 10:05

OP, if you have a healthy baby, you will be very very lucky. There are so many women who would love one of any gender, or who have suffered loss, and while I know that you can only go off your own experiences, I just find this a very difficult mindset to try and empathise with. Surely you knew there was a 50/50 chance when you got pregnant? Speak to your midwife about your mental health and good luck.

curiouscat1987 · 04/05/2025 10:06

You feel how you feel, and no amount of people trying to shame you will be helpful. Gender disappointment is very common, but the important thing is you realise your feelings arent positive or healthy and take steps to change them for the sake of your baby and for you. Therapy could be helpful, depending on the reasons for your disappointment. Feelings dont always go away immediately after birth as everyone is different, but just keep doing everything you can to work on changing your mindset. Good luck to you all ☺️

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 04/05/2025 10:06

Speak to your GP- it doesn’t feel like it to you, but it’s a mental health thing. It’s nothing to do with being a boy or a girl.

Vallmo47 · 04/05/2025 10:15

I agree you should speak to a professional about your mental health OP. ♥️
I was stunned when my firstborn was a boy,
mainly due to fear of not understanding his needs, which was of course incorrect. He’s now a young man and has been a mummy’s boy since day dot- he lights up my world. All children are incredible but if I could choose again I’d have another boy over a girl and I never in a million years thought I’d say that. This is not any boy, this is yours. 🥰

Fireandflames · 04/05/2025 10:54

EmmaSmith96 · 04/05/2025 09:44

I found out the gender of my baby yesterday, a boy. I’ve always wanted a little girl for as long as I can remember, but always thought that I wouldn’t care when the time came to actually be pregnant. But I haven’t stopped crying since finding out I’m having a boy and I’m filled with guilt. I’ve struggled mentally the whole way through this pregnancy, people would congratulate me and I wonder why, because I don’t want them to say that because it doesn’t feel like a celebration. Don’t get me wrong, if I found out I couldn’t have kids it probably would have destroyed me, but I don’t know if I have ever really truly wanted one. I’ve been reading up about gender disappointment and everyone says that I will feel differently when he is here. However, I’ve still got 5 months of this pregnancy to go dreading that when he is hear I will feel nothing, because since finding out I’ve felt nothing towards my unborn child which fills me with guilt!! I know a few people personally who have struggled with fertility and we conceived this baby so quickly, yet the whole situation just seems like an inconvenience. I’ve had to change so much about my life, my business that I’ve worked so hard on for years is in jeopardy financially with me going off to have this baby, I’m so body conscious and am really struggling with the way I look, which I’d finally found peace with after so many years before finding out I’m pregnant. I just don’t see how I can love this child when I have no feelings at all towards it and never have.

From a girl who’s struggling so much 💔

I was also upset when my oldest ended up being a girl, it didn't last long however and she's literally my best friend, lol.

Happydays20000 · 04/05/2025 11:00

Hi OP,

Sending lots of love. I can imagine it’s not easy at all.

What I will say is that I too wanted a girl, and I got one.

My daughter is the least girlie person, all the girlie things I imagined doing I don’t actually do. And recently, I looked through her phone and saw that she is privately identifying as ‘they’ and have told friends she doesn’t like the name I lovingly picked out, doesn’t feel like a girl. My daughter is 14 (whole diff thread).
I don’t know what the future holds for her and who she will be, but what I would say is that it’s unwise to put your expectations on any child because they’re not yours to ‘own’. And I don’t say that to be harsh, I would just say that you do not know how the future will play out with any gender. Mostly, I am just happy that my daughter is happy and healthy.

InMyOpenOnion · 04/05/2025 11:10

This sounds more like anxiety over the pregnancy and all the change it will bring, since you felt this way even before you knew you were having a boy. You can definitely get help and support, so that you're more prepared when the time comes.

Sheeparemyfriends · 04/05/2025 11:51

@EmmaSmith96 It is normal to feel shocked when something isn't what you'd mentally prepared for. But you will get used to the idea, don't worry. Oxytocin hormone produced during pregnancy does this, all you need to do is be healthy. I'd speak to your health visitor too. My youngest was a girl in my head, but very much a boy in the flesh - we didn't find out the gender of any of ours. Took a day to get used to the idea, but he is very much loved and wanted.

eyeswide21 · 04/05/2025 11:53

Gender disappointment is not uncommon, and no amount of shaming posts will make you feel any better. I don't have any experience of gender disappointment, but I did strongly want a girl (and got a girl) and I absolutely did not want a girl to treat like a doll or dress up - it was just a preference.
I agree with previous posters that give the bump a name, start envisaging life with you little boy, plan the nursery, buy some bits.
I did bond with my baby pre birth at all, and felt ashamed as I was asked it a lot at midwife appointments. It was just something that was happening to me and sort of abstract - it still called the baby "it" until she was here.
Seek help from your midwife, don't feel ashamed of your feelings and know that when your baby is here safe and healthy that is all that will matter