Gender Disappointment

[EmmaSmith96]

I found out the gender of my baby yesterday, a boy. I’ve always wanted a little girl for as long as I can remember, but always thought that I wouldn’t care when the time came to actually be pregnant. But I haven’t stopped crying since finding out I’m having a boy and I’m filled with guilt. I’ve struggled mentally the whole way through this pregnancy, people would congratulate me and I wonder why, because I don’t want them to say that because it doesn’t feel like a celebration. Don’t get me wrong, if I found out I couldn’t have kids it probably would have destroyed me, but I don’t know if I have ever really truly wanted one. I’ve been reading up about gender disappointment and everyone says that I will feel differently when he is here. However, I’ve still got 5 months of this pregnancy to go dreading that when he is hear I will feel nothing, because since finding out I’ve felt nothing towards my unborn child which fills me with guilt!! I know a few people personally who have struggled with fertility and we conceived this baby so quickly, yet the whole situation just seems like an inconvenience. I’ve had to change so much about my life, my business that I’ve worked so hard on for years is in jeopardy financially with me going off to have this baby, I’m so body conscious and am really struggling with the way I look, which I’d finally found peace with after so many years before finding out I’m pregnant. I just don’t see how I can love this child when I have no feelings at all towards it and never have.

From a girl who’s struggling so much 💔

@florabotticelli thank you for explaining. That's why I asked you, not the op. What you have explained is simply not my experience. However, the way in which you have explained it does give weight to the fact that more consideration needs to be given to the use of sex determination scans. They are perhaps not very positive.

Sorry to hear that.

Hopefully it improves.

I would hate to have a girl imo

🙄

Was your daughter your final child by any chance?

🙄 what?

It's ok not to want to have a sex. Why would I want a female that could have been exploited like I've been?

You do realise that boys can be exploited, too?

At a much lesser extent. Men generally are heterosexual andmost likely to be abused in the home. I'm single so his chance of being abused is extremely low, especially as we know and look out for sexual abuse.

But imagine being raped as a child and the police calling you a prostitute

You can't have girls without boys.

Yes and they both deserve to live in the world.

It's fine OP, you will get over it. Just accept the feeling and try not to fight it. You will have a boy and will enjoy him. As long as the baby is healthy that's what we all aim for

Only in the west. Plenty uncivilised countries abort or kill their girls at birth.

Hello OP, I have also wanted a girl since I was a little girl. I am however, a mum to 2 sons! I wasnt sad when i found out but still felt that pang of 'I want my little girl' .... but.... I can honestly say that if I was presented with the option to back and change them to girls, I wouldn't do it for all the money in the world. I never imagined myself as a boy mum but I can't imagine it the the other way round now. Hang tight, it'll get better. Please speak to a health care professional.

I relate to this so much I could have written it.

It wasn’t until I was pregnant that I realised how much I wanted a girl and how much I didn’t want a boy. There aren’t many positive examples of men in my life and the more I read about sons the more I dreaded it.

I slipped into a prenatal funk (not quite depression) until I could have the anatomy scan and I had fully prepared myself for it to be a boy (I’m very unlucky generally) but when it turned out to be a girl, the relief was intense and I was overjoyed for the rest of my pregnancy (and still am!). With my mental health history I fully expected to experience post natal depression but I didn’t at all.

My advice to the OP would be to seek some mental health support (although I don’t think she’s depressed, she just has a legitimate preference). If you go for a second child, really consider putting the money you’ve saved not having IVF towards gender selection. You will have to travel abroad for it though.

It sounds like you're struggling enormously mentally at the moment and finding this out has only contributed to that. Talk to your midwife about how you're feeling and seek some support with your mental health, both now and for after you have your baby. I suspect with the right help, you'll start to feel more positively about the changes in your life, but I appreciate you'll likely not feel that's possible until it actually happens. Sending a big hug.

I have four boys, all of whom have very different personalities and all of whom are absolutely wonderful. One is more into traditionally 'girl' things than lots of my friends' daughters are and thar makes me chuckle sometimes. Having a girl doesn't necessarily mean they'll be into 'girl' stuff etc. and the same with boys. I'm happy if they're happy. I'm sure you'll end up with a very special bond with your little one, even if that isn't right now. Look after you both and ensure you allow others to look after you too.

I agree with others OP definitely reach out and speak to your midwife or GP. I always imagined having a girl and I have 2 boys. When I found out my first was a boy I was a bit shocked but after a while I realised what really mattered. I was growing a healthy baby. When he was born I couldn’t have loved him any more. When I was pregnant with my second I wasn’t swayed either way, just wanted a healthy baby. Unfortunately I had some complications during the pregnancy and he was born early and smaller than he could have been. I’ve never been so worried in my life. Fortunately he’s a thriving 9 year old and I Iove being a boy mum. They’re both so different in personality but such loving children, I wouldnt change them for the world.

I would speak to your midwife.
i wanted a girl too and was disappointed when the scan said boy. But I love having a boy. He still wore cool little outfits, and I’ve realised I’m not a girly girl anyway, so I’d rather play cars and Lego anyway 🤣.
what is it specially about waiting a girl that you crave?

Ffs is this supposed to be helpful? Telling OP how lucky you feel and how everything you read about sons made you ‘dread’ it? What’s wrong with you?

Also your user name seems quite outing. Seems like a full name and year of birth. I’d change that unless it’s made up.

Always seems to be the boys.

Hi OP. Sorry to hear you're not feeling great. Gender disappointment is real and I imagine it's fairly common to feel as you do.

I was disappointed finding out I was having a boy. It lasted a little while then we picked a name, started buying clothes and decorating the nursery and it passed. When he arrived, he was made for us and no other baby (boy or girl) would have done. I think, as a PP said, it's not about stereotypes but what you envisaged motherhood would be like. I grew up with a sister and am close to my mum, so think I convinced myself I'd replicate to that then finding out it was a boy, it felt a bit like I'd lost that. Definitely not that I didn't want a boy. I can't even tell you how loved he is now.

As it happens, currently pregnant with my second and found out it's a girl. To my surprise, I felt a little disappointment because I felt like I could now relate to a son and a girl would be different. I imagined two boys, best friends close together but it wasn't meant to be. As before, with some time to digest, excitement is setting in.

A previous poster had great advice. Why don't you try to put aside thoughts of your pregnancy and how you think you should feel then just focus on looking after yourself. Relax, eat well, exercise, have some lovely days out with your husband or family and friends just enjoying life now. It's so important to look after yourself so that you're ready to be your best self for your beautiful son.

? Obviously. My post doesn’t make sense otherwise.

No, we didn’t have a third to have a girl and it pisses me off that I’m sure some closed-minded people look at us and think that.

No, we wouldn’t have had a 4th if she’d been a boy.

Yes, I was delighted at the thought of a third boy.

I actually find DD the hardest, I’m sure partially because she’s third born but also because she’s very into crafts and small world play which seems to take so much more effort than other activities. Not a girl thing, but she happens to be a girl.

ETA DD is currently topless, wild hair, muddy leggings, playing with cars. Such a girl!

I personally don't get it when people are disappointed with the sex of their baby, probably as my DD was born via IVF. What do you think a girl is going to give you that a boy can't? More opportunities to play dressing up? Do you think a girl is all ballet, ribbons and pink and a boy is football, rough and tumble? Perhaps you can write your thoughts down as to why a girl is preferred over a boy. Every child has their own personality, you might have a sensitive, dance loving boy who has a fantastic sense of humour. Good luck OP and I hope that by the time your son is born that you full enjoy what motherhood brings to your life.

I feel so sorry for all these precious little unborn boys who are a disappointment.
My two boys were meant for me and i am so grateful they are mine ,i feel equally the same for my 3rd child a girl.
Its their personality that makes them who they are not their sex alone, i can't imagine once a baby is placed in your arms and you look into each others eyes that you could possibly wish they were something /someone else .
I hope in a few months time all your current worry is a distant memory and you enjoy being a mom to your gorgeous baby boy.

No need for you to feel sorry for these precious little boys because even within your own post you note that she will love her boy when he comes.

in the meantime instead of feeling sorry and judgmental try and find a shred of empathy for someone who is experiencing mental ill health.

My son wanted a boy very much. We have been farming the same ground for generations, and so it was important to him. When his wife was pregnant they decided not to find out the gender because he didn't want any disappointment creeping in about his long awaited child.

When the baby was born he told me he didn't care what sex it was, because he was overcome with all the paternal instincts to love and protect, and he would not have been disappointed at all if the baby was a girl. The baby was on his wife's chest for some time, before they thought to lift the baby's little leg up and have a gander.

It was a boy.

I did the same when I was pregnant with my son. I knew I couldn't have anymore, and didn't want to be disappointed if it was a girl. It's so exciting and natural to wait for the birth to find out.

I'm sorry but zero sympathy. You have a healthy child. Children are individuals not neat little packages to echo your hopes and dreams.

my partner's ex wife was like this and it was the first thing - many many many years before they separated and we met - that made him change how he saw her.