Gender Disappointment

[EmmaSmith96]

I found out the gender of my baby yesterday, a boy. I’ve always wanted a little girl for as long as I can remember, but always thought that I wouldn’t care when the time came to actually be pregnant. But I haven’t stopped crying since finding out I’m having a boy and I’m filled with guilt. I’ve struggled mentally the whole way through this pregnancy, people would congratulate me and I wonder why, because I don’t want them to say that because it doesn’t feel like a celebration. Don’t get me wrong, if I found out I couldn’t have kids it probably would have destroyed me, but I don’t know if I have ever really truly wanted one. I’ve been reading up about gender disappointment and everyone says that I will feel differently when he is here. However, I’ve still got 5 months of this pregnancy to go dreading that when he is hear I will feel nothing, because since finding out I’ve felt nothing towards my unborn child which fills me with guilt!! I know a few people personally who have struggled with fertility and we conceived this baby so quickly, yet the whole situation just seems like an inconvenience. I’ve had to change so much about my life, my business that I’ve worked so hard on for years is in jeopardy financially with me going off to have this baby, I’m so body conscious and am really struggling with the way I look, which I’d finally found peace with after so many years before finding out I’m pregnant. I just don’t see how I can love this child when I have no feelings at all towards it and never have.

From a girl who’s struggling so much 💔

You’ve got 5 months to work on your mental health, and then you can continue to do so after he is here. Your midwife can help with that - please do reach out.

You’ve got 5 months to work on your mental health, and then you can continue to do so after he is here. Your midwife can help with that - please do reach out.

Try to remember that each baby is an individual. I have three boys, but I don’t have “three of the same” which people have said to me. They are all totally different. My oldest is 17 and I get the gossip and the chat like you’d stereotype a teen girl for, my middle boy is 14 and is much more “typical boy” teen. My youngest is the sweetest mamas boy. It’s the best. It really is.

Also, when you’re ready to accept it, heartfelt congratulations. My son is the light of my life.

It must be based on OP's idea of what having a daughter will be like. She may not care about pink frilly dresses and ballet lessons but she must have certain ideas about having a daughter, based on her sex. Why else would she have this preference otherwise? Whatever ideas she has about raising a girl may be completely different from the reality, were she to have a daughter.

Knew it would be a boy before opening sadly it always is on here so at least you're not alone.
It does sound like you need to talk to your midwife/mental health services generally op.

Think why you wanted a girl really? Your child will be their own person and not likely conform to your expectations anyway. What is it you'll miss? Pink? Dolls? Pampering? Other biased stereotypes?

Some of the responses on here are disgusting.

I’m sorry you’re struggling, as others have said, please speak to your midwife or gp about your mental health. There is help available and there’s nothing you can say that they haven’t heard before. You’re not alone in how you feel ❤️

For those saying they feel sorry for the “poor little boy” 🙄 I am willing to bet that OP’s baby will be loved unconditionally and will never know his mum had these thoughts. What he needs is a mum who is well and is looking after herself - you lot giving her a battering and trying to make her feel worse about a totally valid feeling is absolutely not going to help with that.

For the record, my husband experienced this in reverse, we had two girls and he had always wanted a boy. He found it very difficult to admit he was disappointed, and he struggled with those feelings for a little while, but they passed and they disappeared completely second DD was born. He’s a wonderful dad, my girls are very loved and certainly not affected by the fact my husband had to process some complicated emotions when I was pregnant.

I'm sorry you feel this way and it sounds as though you need therapy. You sound depressed and if you continue to feel this way it will impact on your baby.
Even if you were having girl I would say the same because to want a child of one sex so strongly isn't healthy.

Oh, do shut up.

You naturally see your pregnancy through your own experiences as a female, so I think having a girl baby seems more like familiar ground. As a women with a sister I kind of expected a female child when pregnant with my first and did feel a little loss finding out he was male.
But, as others have said I named him, imagined him and talked about him and by the time he came he was just him.
All kids are different and you will know your baby boy inside out as he grows because he is yours. You will never be closer to another person. I completely adore my son, and the daughter I had later, now both teens. I wish you all the very best.

Maybe read my earlier post and expand your outlook a little.

Op can you think about the men in your life that you have positive relationships with - dad/brother/uncle etc and just think your son will be another amazing relationship in your life.
I spent my whole pregnancy dreading having an actual baby, the thought of it terrified me but l had a word with myself thinking all the women out there that would give their right arm to be in my position and here l am feeling like this. .
Thankfully when baby arrived l loved being a mum and it all worked out well.

I felt like for a few days or so after finding out we were having a boy but the feeling did go away and by the time he was born I was just excited to meet him. He learned how to ride a bike yesterday and I was just filled with so much love and pride 😍

With my second baby I had a lot more mental health issues (baby followed a lot of miscarriages) and needed counselling around the same worries re sex. Sometimes it really does help to talk to someone about how you’re feeling.

I agree.

I have a girl and a boy, and although my love for them is equal and fierce, there is an element of my son which is better understood by my DH and an element of DD which is better understood by me (yeah go ahead and flame me). I would take a bullet for either of them.

But, in reverse, boys also bring something to their relationship with you that girls can’t. It’s all quite hard to explain, but there’s a magic to both.

I think the key is to acknowledge what you don’t have but remember it doesn’t affect what you do have. And there will always be things we don’t have or can’t experience.

OP I have one child. A boy.

he is an absolute delight. Boys are generally more affectionate towards their mums from my own personal experience and friends have said the same thing.

having said that, my preference was for a boy so I got what I wanted.

I'm glad that your DH was able to overcome his disappointment at the sex of your DC and not let it affect his parenting. Sadly, my own DH spent his entire childhood being emotionally neglected by his DM who openly told him she was "devestated" when he turned out to be a boy. When his sister came along and she got her much longed-for girl, he was sidelined completely. I have also worked with families where one child has been very obviously favoured by a parent due to their sex, so it does happen.

I agree that empathy and understanding is what's needed. But I don't necessarily disagree with the posters who are suggesting that OP should try to seek support to address these feelings sooner rather than later to avoid an impact on her son...although in some cases they could clearly put it more kindly than they have chosen to do.

I have 2 boys and a girl and before I had my girl it never once crossed my mind that ‘there is a line of mothers and daughters that ended with me’…. How OTT and navel gazing. I would have been delighted with a third boy, they’re all-round gorgeous. I’ve never related to the ‘boy mum always dirty and loud and piss on the loo seat’ trope.

Speak to your midwife about your MH,

To me, it sounds like you have prenatal anxiety

Also.... I was never keen on the thought of a boy 😅..... but honestly, he's far more loving than my daughter, he's kind, he's funny, he cuddles me everyday and tells me how much he loves me. I always regret the disappointment I felt because now I truly feel blessed to have him

This is your experience but not mine. My son is is exactly like me, my DD is very much like her dad. I'd say I can really relate to my son because he experiences the world the same way I do. DH relates more to DD because she's a mini him! Of course I don't know know what it's like to be a boy but I'd say I have an excellent understanding of what it's like to be my son.

My boy is just the sweetest, kind thoughtful person, he comes to me with all his problems. My girls are nothing like i thought they would be, its not fun shopping trips, cute outfits and baking its just them falling out with their friends every other day and grumps 😂

I’m sorry your husband went through this - and you’re right, of course some people allow gender disappointment to affect their parenting, and that’s awful. But I think it’s very common to feel GD to some extent and I bet your husband’s experience is the minority.
I think the fact that people are on this thread empathising more with the (oblivious) unborn child than with the pregnant woman clearly struggling with her mental health is shocking.

Sometimes women feel like this if they’re not really used to a ‘boys’ environment, and it feels like a bit of an unknown. I felt a bit like this, as I didn’t have much experience of boys, having been brought up in a predominantly female environment. Remember, you don’t have to buy into the societal ideas of ‘what boys do’ anyway. When my DS was younger, we did plenty of cute activities that some people might associate more with girls, but sod their viewpoint as I wanted to bring my son up to have a soft and nurturing side! He’s not so into to the cute stuff now and has definitely become more ‘boyish’ but it’s all been a great eye-opening experience for me anyway and now I’m pleased to have had a boy.

Absolute nonsense. I have two girls and one boy and my girls are just as affectionate as my son.

It's nonsense like this that perpetuates gender preferences.

You clearly need a lesson in psychology. Of course there is, but as humans we have two parts to our brain - the pre-frontal cortex that often knows the hard rational facts very well, and the reptilian brain which has our emotional, gut reactions based on instincts, our past experiences etc. How humans feel in any given moment is not an indication of how they’ll decide to act, given time for the rational mind to get back in the driving seat, and as others have pointed out, oxytocin hormones at birth are likely to help the OP bond with her baby, and (as was my experience), feelings pass and the relationship we build with our babies as we get to know them can be very different to our gut reaction when we first found out.

Your responsibility is to the person in front of you right now, in a vulnerable state asking for help and support. If you give her help and support, she will in turn go on to make the decision that are best for her and her baby. A supported, happy mother leads to a supported, happy baby.

Your assumption that she doesn’t want the baby or that they won’t bond and have a great relationship is really misguided - speaking from experience.

OP has been brave enough to post here asking for help and you judging her and asking stupid rhetorical questions about whether she knows rationally that babies come in two different sexes is inhumane. Are you completely incapable of stepping outside yourself for a second to imagine that people have different support systems, different experiences, different feelings and fears etc to you?

You and lots of others here have completely failed at being her village today. Shame on you.

People can use whichever word they like. I don't like the word 'sex' so I use gender. It's never been an issue for anyone in real life so cop on.