Gender Disappointment

[EmmaSmith96]

I found out the gender of my baby yesterday, a boy. I’ve always wanted a little girl for as long as I can remember, but always thought that I wouldn’t care when the time came to actually be pregnant. But I haven’t stopped crying since finding out I’m having a boy and I’m filled with guilt. I’ve struggled mentally the whole way through this pregnancy, people would congratulate me and I wonder why, because I don’t want them to say that because it doesn’t feel like a celebration. Don’t get me wrong, if I found out I couldn’t have kids it probably would have destroyed me, but I don’t know if I have ever really truly wanted one. I’ve been reading up about gender disappointment and everyone says that I will feel differently when he is here. However, I’ve still got 5 months of this pregnancy to go dreading that when he is hear I will feel nothing, because since finding out I’ve felt nothing towards my unborn child which fills me with guilt!! I know a few people personally who have struggled with fertility and we conceived this baby so quickly, yet the whole situation just seems like an inconvenience. I’ve had to change so much about my life, my business that I’ve worked so hard on for years is in jeopardy financially with me going off to have this baby, I’m so body conscious and am really struggling with the way I look, which I’d finally found peace with after so many years before finding out I’m pregnant. I just don’t see how I can love this child when I have no feelings at all towards it and never have.

From a girl who’s struggling so much 💔

Your child won’t be born and immediately have the personality of a boy (whatever that is) such that you will need to know how to handle a boy. You don’t need to have had good relationships with men in your life to relate to your baby - he will just be baby.
He will grow and develop his personality continually and it will be a gradual process and who will be with him throughout it and get to know him over years.
The daughter you envisioned and the daughter you may have had could have been so wildly different that wishing for a girl could have been just as futile despite having one. My daughter is not into makeup, clothes, dancing etc - she plays likes sports and reading. No two girls are the same and no two boys are the same.

I have one girl. She isn't particularly keen on being hugged or kissed by family members or her parents. Just the way she is.

Hell, even my female cat isn't that affectionate towards me. The male tabby that visits our garden is more loving lol

I wasn't overly happy with my pregnancy. My birth control pill failed me. Sickness was awful. Birth was awful.

My hubby was disappointed that he wasn't getting a son though. But he loves his daughter dearly, even if she has no interest in cars 😂 like he does.

To give birth to a healthy baby of either sex is a gift. I say that I was my mum's 4th attempt at pregnancy. She had 3 miscarriages before I was born.

Speak to your midwife OP please

I have 2 boys op, I always wanted a girl and was disappointed and felt so guilty. I lost my mum when I was little and imagined motherhood as the chance to have the mum daughter relationship I’d always been missing. I just want to reassure you that I couldn’t have a happier relationship with my two boys. We have so many interests in common and love each others company. I adore them both and wouldn’t swap them for any girl in the world. You will adore your boy when he’s here and have such happy times ahead xxx

OP I was exactly the same when I found out my first was a boy. My whole life I had envisioned a little girl, I had nieces growing up so girls were all I knew. But you know what? My son is the most amazing human in the entire world. Ever since he was born he's blown me away with the love I feel for him. He's 8 now and I am so grateful that he is exactly who he is. We have so much in common and I love hanging out with him.

So don't feel guilty for how you feel right now, but know that as soon as that little boy is placed in your arms you will love him completely x

OP you are focusing on the negative posts here. Anonymous forums attract people who like to be hurtful to others but don’t dare put their names to it. Just ignore those. You are clearly in need of some mental health support. Please ask your midwife or look at some mental health charities online such as mind. They often have a crisis hotline and links on where to go for help.

I had 3 girls, I always wanted a girl so was delighted. I secretly wanted no4 to be a girl too despite all the “trying for a boy” and your “poor husband” comments.

I think part of my longing for not having a son stems from my own family dynamic of me being the scapegoat DD and my younger brother being the golden child DS who could do no wrong. I know messed up.

do you know what happened no4 was a boy, we found out at the scan and I was disappointed, I had girls names chosen I could imagine my little girly gang. The minute DS was born though I fell madly in love with him of course I did . He’s a big strapping teenager now and I still adore him, he’s a great lad because he’s him not because he’s a boy. OP it’ll be all right you’ll adore you’re boy too

I have a DD, I never gave a flying jot about what sex (having three brothers who are my best mates I liked the idea of having a boy), she's the complete opposite of what I imagined. I have spent years standing by the sports sideline, she didn't even make it into her ballet lesson, we have never got our nails done together. Tbh she had more in common with DH than me but she is the light of my life.

I’ve not read all the responses on here, but there’s already the typical ones from people who never experienced GD sayin”my daughter was so much hard work, you don’t want one really” or “why did you get pregnant in the first place”. It’s not helpful, you can’t choose how you feel. When I was pregnant with my second I just knew it was another boy. I didn’t find out because I wanted to give myself bit of hope, which didn’t really work tbh. I was - and still am a bit - gutted that I havinf two kids I had a 75% chance of having at least one girl but didn’t get one. I also had a ton of fertility issues and it felt like a kick in the teeth to have both. I love my kids, absolutely, but there is a place in my heart for a daughter that I will probably never meet. I didn’t want a daughter for the bows or the dresses (ironically when I was pregnant with my first I was adamant if it was a girl I wouldn’t put any on her). I wanted to have a female:female relationship with a child of mine, I wanted to share the (female only) volunteer organisation I belong to. I wanted to raise a strong future woman of society. I wanted to see my husband have a daughter. I find the baby bit hard, but once they got more personality and could interact more it’s got better and better (I think I’d be the same with a girl tbh). Someone else said don’t dwell too much on it, use this opportunity to focus on yourself and see how you feel after the baby is born good luck

Bloody hell, some posters really do love to kick someone who is down.
The fact that some people struggle to conceive doesn’t invalidate the OP’s feelings.
There’s some good advice on here OP amongst the arseholes. I hope you can get some help
for the way you are feeling and one day this will be a distant memory.
Parenting has rarely been what I expected it would be before I had my children, but the most fabulous thing has been watching them grow and become fantastic people that I am so proud of. My relationship with them and how it’s developed over the years has been the joy of my life. I truly hope you can experience similar with your child.

I really imagined having a girl and had to really examine why that was. Tbh it was a) because I had a sister and didn't have any experience of boys, and b) stereotyped thinking, imagining all boys loving football, which I hate, etc.

But I know loads of boys who don't fit the stereotypes. And plenty of girls who are in to stuff I have no interest in. It's a gamble either way. Thinking this way really helped me. Plus thinking of names.

Your baby will be perfect for you I'm sure.

You were very brave putting this on AIBU OP! But I'm not here to judge as I've been in your shoes.

I promise you - this will fade and you will love this little boy. Allow yourself to have these feelings. Talk to people - whether it's your midwife, a professional or family and friends. The biggest thing for me that helped was unpicking why I thought like that, and almost challenging myself to seek other views.

Like you, I just never saw myself having a boy - always dreamed of having a girl. Had a tonne of girls' names picked out, had no boys' names! Was probably a wee bit of gender stereotypes thrown in - I'd imagined I'd be closer to a girl, have same interests, etc. I didn't want to be the dreaded MIL you read about on here! I even had a blood test at 10 weeks to find out the gender to prepare myself.

But I discovered it was more about me coming to terms with never having a daughter, rather than having a son. At the time, I was convinced I was only going to have one child as I initially never wanted kids and had concerns too! But you're allowed to have doubts, and indeed change your mind. So for me, I was almost grieving a life that wouldn't be.

Anyway, I don't know how long you've been feeling like this but I quickly got over it. When he was here, I didn't even think about it. Sure, I got some pangs now and again when I'd see friends with their daughters but I realised society has a lot to answer for. My boy wasn't, and has never been, "wild" like so many people told me he would be. He's sweet and loving and now 4. And I have connected with him. We like to read together, and do crafts. He wants me to paint his nails and likes to bake with me. We go out to lunch on my day off. Sure, he loves dinosaurs and kicking a ball too but my point is, we try hard to not put stereotypes or preconceived notions on him. He is who he is.

I'm actually pregnant again, after saying I only wanted one, as I love being a mum. And a "boy mum" whatever that means! I'd actually love three ha, but time isn't on my side sadly. Again, the same old feelings came up - I was terrified and ashamed of having gender disappointment again, if it was another boy. This time, I was more open about it (last time I never spoke to anyone apart from my husband as I thought I was an awful person). I was seeing a therapist anyway for a different reason and she said it was so common. It turns out it was a girl but I think I would have been able to handle it again based on past experience.

Here if you want a chat but it will be
ok. Hugs x

I had the same when I found out my 4th was another girl I knew she was going to be the last baby and was so sad I would never get to experience having a little boy as I have all girls, when she was born though I didn't give a crap that she was a girl and I love her so much, you will likely feel the same about your baby boy when you see him for the first time

I was disappointed when I had a little boy. As in, he came out and I thought ‘wait …what?’ I’d been told I was having a girl, but long before that mistake was made at 21 weeks in, I felt sure it was a girl I was carrying. It was a shock, and when I looked at him, I felt like some sort of mistake had been made.

I am not dense, as some posters have implied of the OP, I was well aware this was not helpful to either of us, and had been aware all along he/she could be either sex, I knew mistakes do happen in scans - but sometimes we want a specific outcome for ‘reasons’ - whether they’re rational or not.

And I had reasons - I think on a subconscious level I saw a girl as a chance to set things right following an abusive childhood. I hadn’t heard of ‘re-parenting’ then but I think that’s what I was needing, and without even knowing it, I intended to use this imaginary little girl to set right past wrongs. As in, I wasn’t going to make her feel the way I did, she’d be xy and z, her life would be a dream, yay go me, mother of the millennium, how wonderful my little girl will be. I also had a wariness of males, for reasons I’m sure a lot of people
don’t need explaining.

I won’t rehash what @SallyWDsaid but I think she’s written total sense. Him being a little fella did us both a favour. Within a short time of his arrival, maybe about ten days, I no longer saw him for what he represented but as My Son. Who definitely wasn’t a new me. And thus we were spared whatever damaging nonsense I might have done.

Although I’m sure I still got stuff wrong, and plenty of it, my (now giant) son is a joy, and one of the best people I’ve ever known. I genuinely feel like my luck couldn’t have been better. I also feel sad, looking back, at the fact I ever wanted something different. He was an absolute gift, funny and compassionate even as a toddler and I couldn’t have been more blessed. None of my fears were realised and I think it’s unlikely they ever will be.

But back then I just didn’t know how it would pan out and I had got a notion in my head and we can’t always rely on rationality, especially when our hormones are in turmoil. Pre-natal depression is probably under-diagnosed because we don’t feel we can say how we really feel without hearing ‘are you thick?’ or ‘be grateful.’

OP, you sound like you’re on a hard road and I hope you are getting some help, it can only be a good move. Believe us when we say you’ll love him. That’s not enough now but you will, I promise. It might take a little time to adjust but you will. You might not fall in love instantly, not everyone does. But you will fall.

If you need assistance, that’s not a failing, it’s just one of those things that happens. You’re not alone. X

No need for a comment like that. I didn’t realise I would react the way I did. Came here looking for advice from others who have also struggled. Keep your nasty comments to yourself

OP I think you're getting a very hard time on here - seems a bit rough when you've been so open and are struggling with your feelings.

I think it's quite usual to feel a bit "meh" when you find out the sex of the baby - I always thought I'd have 2 boys so it did take a while to get used to the idea of a dd.

BUT your reaction does sound quite full on. I definitely would talk to your midwife/GP about this. Perhaps talking it through with a qualified professional will help you understand your feelings and move through them.

I don’t think this level of crying is normal either op. I am expecting my second boy now and I think he will be my last child. My last pregnancy was a miscarriage at 11 weeks so all I’m hoping for is a healthy pregnancy and it was a big struggle to conceive this time around.
that said when I found out the sex there was a fleeting feeling of sadness that I’ll never experience having a daughter , which is normal I think.
I had very little experience of boys growing up, have no male siblings so I know what you mean. little boys are wonderful and I wouldn’t swap my little boy for anything now. You will feel the same. If this continues to upset you I agree with suggestions of counselling.

Even Rihanna has said she wants to try for her girl. She's pregnant with her 3rd after two boys. It is a completely normal feeling OP 🥰

Reading your post made me think of depression and I think you should ask your midwife for mental health support. I have two boys and if you got to pick beforehand I would have said I would like girls but I wouldn't now. They are great and both very different. I think it is ok to feel a little disappointed if you were expecting/wanting a certain gender but this sounds like it is going way beyond that and I hope you get some help. Also I would say don't necessarily expect anything when they are born - I felt weird as everyone else gushed about how they had never really understood love before until they held their baby etc and it wasn't like that for me but I do love them and we find the things that we love to share and do together lots of which aren't those that I expected or imagined

Ignore everybody who's on their high horse telling you off. You've been brave enough to admit something that lots of people struggle with. You need to seek help for your mental health though as you should be able to find peace with this, and it sounds like you're not able to at the moment. Get some professional support for your sake and your baby's sake. You're doing well to ask for help so far.

Some people would love to be you op just to have a baby.
Boy or girl they just want to be mums but cant so think yourself lucky you can be a mum.

It’s normal to have a bit of a preference especially after 2 kids of the same sex. It’s not normal to cry for days on end about it especially when it’s your first child.

I think gender disappointment should be spoke about more and not judged so much.

You obviously can't guarantee whether you have a girl or a boy, everyone knows that before even getting pregnant but it doesn't stop you from feeling a tiny bit sad sometimes.

I've got a boy and currently pregnant with my second, I found out today I'm having another boy and yes I did cry both happy and sad tears, I'm super grateful and glad baby is healthy and growing, couldn't ask for more. But knowing this is my last and I won't have the chance to have a daughter was a little bit heart breaking at the same time. 💔