Gender Disappointment

[EmmaSmith96]

I found out the gender of my baby yesterday, a boy. I’ve always wanted a little girl for as long as I can remember, but always thought that I wouldn’t care when the time came to actually be pregnant. But I haven’t stopped crying since finding out I’m having a boy and I’m filled with guilt. I’ve struggled mentally the whole way through this pregnancy, people would congratulate me and I wonder why, because I don’t want them to say that because it doesn’t feel like a celebration. Don’t get me wrong, if I found out I couldn’t have kids it probably would have destroyed me, but I don’t know if I have ever really truly wanted one. I’ve been reading up about gender disappointment and everyone says that I will feel differently when he is here. However, I’ve still got 5 months of this pregnancy to go dreading that when he is hear I will feel nothing, because since finding out I’ve felt nothing towards my unborn child which fills me with guilt!! I know a few people personally who have struggled with fertility and we conceived this baby so quickly, yet the whole situation just seems like an inconvenience. I’ve had to change so much about my life, my business that I’ve worked so hard on for years is in jeopardy financially with me going off to have this baby, I’m so body conscious and am really struggling with the way I look, which I’d finally found peace with after so many years before finding out I’m pregnant. I just don’t see how I can love this child when I have no feelings at all towards it and never have.

From a girl who’s struggling so much 💔

Firstly it doesn’t mean you won’t ever have a girl.

Secondly, you are saying you’re dreading 5 months of people congratulating you. Reframe that. You have 5 months to get used to your baby boy. That’s a good thing. You have 5 months before he’s here. That’s loads of time. So when he comes you will not be shocked or disappointed because you were expecting a girl to come out.

It’s ok to feel disappointed or mourn and idea that you had but you didn’t know that little girl. She could have actually been a right pain in the arse and not the little girl you pictured!

Be kind to yourself but also be logical as to that is a dream that may not have been actuality either way and is still possible one day.

Well there's a 50/50 chance so it wasn't unlikely. Poor little boy.

@florabotticelli please read my response. I managed to quote myself. Us humans get tech wrong.

“We conceived this baby so quickly”

says a lot really.

GD is always about boys. It’s very sad that your baby is a disappointment to you from the moment he was conceived.

get support for your MH issues.

I was referring to your complete lack of empathy towards normal human emotions.

@EmmaSmith96 I had always dreamed of having a little girl as my mum and I were so close.
Both my children (now 12 & 10) are boys and yes, I still yearn a little for the girl I envisaged having, my boys are the light of my life.
There is so much more to having children then what is between there legs - my two are so very different in personalities but are both sweet, affectionate and loving.
This time will pass and it sounds like you've struggled with lots of different aspects of pregnancy- its so much harder than people tell you BUT don't doubt the love you will feel for him, even if it doesn't happen immediately. It will grow as they do! The fact you are worried and feeling guilty is part and parcel of being a parent.
Please speak to your midwife and gain some additional support but remember you are the not the first to have these thoughts and feelings (and definitely won't be the last).
Sending much love ❤️

I also have a friend who ttc for the last 9 months without the hint of a positive test.

She's 33 and now has to think about fertility tests and potential IVF if she doesn't fall pregnant.

Please put things into perspective and count your blessings.

@florabotticelli I'm well aware but it's a shame you can't answer the question. My empathy is for the unwanted boys not the grown ups. Is it not blatantly obvious that there is as much chance that a foetus will be a boy as a girl?

Op you need to get help, please speak to your midwife.

To the posters who are struggling to conceive who get drawn to threads like this (or I did anyway, no idea why i did it to myself) I'm so sorry you/we compel yourselves to read these, I know how you feel ❤️

Wow. Well let’s hope you’ve cheered yourself up anyway with your ‘contribution’.

Gender disappointment aside it does sound like you are struggling. My sister with a very very long awaited eventually IVF pregnancy, also suffered with her mental health. Definitely reach out for support. I remember when she found out it was a boy, one of three sisters who had had girls, she did slightly wish for a girl more and it didn’t help with the complexity, anxiety of how she was feeling about the pregnancy.

She gave him a name and started to get things together rather than refer to him as a son she always used his name. She had a great support from mental health midwife who worked with her and her needs. She still suffered from anxiety and struggling with the last 6 weeks she just wanted it all over.

Good god the judgement on this thread is sickening.

I can relate OP. I didn’t know just how much I wanted a girl until we found out my first child was going to be a boy. I realised that my whole life, whenever I had imagined my future family, I had always pictured a daughter. It’s got nothing to do with pink, or dresses, or fucking manicures or whatever other insulting trite crap other posters are accusing you of. It’s about having a child you can relate to. Raising a child with the shared experience of being female. There is a distinction in female bonds and the way we communicate and interact with each other- I mean look at Mumsnet, where women come to converse, seek support, advice and companionship from other women- if the bond you can have with a male is exactly the same then what are we all doing here?

I never did get my girl - I ended up with three boys. I love them all beyond words but the pain and longing for a girl will never go away. There is a line of mothers of daughters that ended with me and will go no further. It’s a horrible feeling because there is so much judgement and guilt- both internally and, as you’ve seen, from other people- when we know we should just be glad to be able to get pregnant and we know we should just be grateful for a healthy baby. But you can’t help how you feel. Unfortunately Mumsnet in general and AIBU in particular are not great places to seek solace and support for this. But you’re not alone, and it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible mother or that you’ll love your baby any less.

I too had gender disappointment… due to health reasons it was likely this would be my only and not only did I want a girl but I was convinced I was having one.

i would say it only lasted a few days and what helped me was getting excited about the baby and what I could plan now I knew it was a boy. Picking names, picking his going home out fit, theme for his nursery ect

now that I have a boy - I would only want boys! He is loving, sweet, funny.

It is indeed obvious and I am sure the OP was fully aware of that.

She is trying to deal with an unexpected response to learning that her baby is a boy - she feels guilty about it, as she knows it is far from ideal. She always wanted a girl but did not envisage that conceiving a boy would lead to such an extreme response and she is trying to come to terms with that. She knows it is not right and does not need to be told this.

She is seeking help to get things in perspective from experienced mothers and access the right support, not the sort of derision that is contained in some responses on here.

She is a fellow woman faced with a difficult situation. Let us not make things worse for her. Why would people want to do that?

Knew before even opening the thread that the baby is a boy. As PPs have said, get help.

This is a very good suggestion

Unlike some of the ppl here, I can genuinely feel for you. I can totally understand your desire for a girl and totally understand your anger at learning that you're having a boy.
HOWEVER, you cannot do anything about it, and so I think now you have to change your mindset and tell yourself that you are going to have a beautiful baby boy whom you can raise as a person and who will be every bit as wonderful and special to you as a girl would be.

@AngeloMysterioso has nailed it IMO.

People fall over themselves on these gender disappointment threads to exclaim there’s no difference, it’s irrelevant, it’s all about stereotypes, people are all individuals. And while the latter is true, I think it’s naive to say that there’s no difference in raising boys to raising girls. I wanted girls, not because I love pink and want to dress them in frills (neither have been dressed in girly clothes as babies in fact) but because I grew up in a single parent household and had such an incredibly close relationship with my mum that that was my blueprint for parenting and how I felt I knew to parent, how I felt I was emotionally set up to parent. That realisation didn’t come until I found out DD1 was a girl and suddenly a wave of tension that I didn’t realise had been gripping me just washed away. It surprised me as prior to that I probably would have been one of the ‘Didn’t you know it was 50% chance?’ posters on here who love jumping on these threads.

Now I never had to deal with what wound have happened if she were a boy. I imagine I would have loved him just as fiercely when he arrived and would hopefully have just as lovely a relationship too. I think that’s almost always how it pans out.

But so much influences the image we have of ourselves as parents, and I think there is something to a mother daughter relationship that is unique, the same way with a mother son, father daughter, father son relationship. And it’s hard to adjust when you’ve perhaps unconsciously always pictured parenthood in a certain way, which may be entirely out of your control

So I understand, OP. I think you would benefit from speaking to someone, but your feelings are valid and yours and you shouldn’t feel guilty for them. Your actions when your baby actually arrives are what matters.

I have two boys. I really wanted a girl, especially the second time, and I felt real disappointment.

I do still sometimes feel sad that I’ll never have a girl, but the disappointment at having a second boy was quickly replaced by overwhelming guilt that I could ever feel disappointed with my boy. And every day I do feel genuinely lucky to have my two boys.

I don’t think I’ve written this particularly well, as it’s not an easy thing to admit and put into writing especially given the judgy pricks on here.

I hope you feel better soon, OP. Boys really are a joy.

You need help. Disappointment over the sex of your baby is one thing, going down the plughole over it is a mental health emergency. Well done for recognising it and asking. Speak to your doctor, midwife, health visitor, family etc and get the help you need before the baby arrives. He isn't a toy, a doll, or something you can project gender nonsense onto. He may turn out to love the things usually associated with girls. Do everything with him, let him try things out, be interested in his interests, celebrate him. Exactly as you would do with a daughter.

I felt a little like this a few years ago when I found out I was having a boy. I had always imagined having girls.
You truly will feel different once they're here. I love my boys so much (I now have 2) I honestly couldn't imagine having girls now.

Gender disappointment is really common and coming on top if the struggles you are already having with your mental health - speaking to your midwife would be a really good idea. She will know how to help.

I went through it too. Even after miscarriages and fertility treatment.

you can’t help how you feel so don’t beat yourself up about it. And dont let arseholes on this thread do it either.

you will love your baby. And you will feel better. I promise.

but just now look after yourself.

Speak to your midwife.

But also it's your chance to learn that gender stereotypes don't apply to real people. I have a vagina and like the outdoors, dinosaurs, martial arts and motorbikes.

What makes you so sure that wanting a daughter has anything to do with stereotypes?

You don’t need to understand. You just need to recognise that this is someone experiencing mental ill health and being a judgemental twat won’t help her and makes you look like an arsehole.

and same goes for the other judgmental arseholes on this thread.