Gender Disappointment

[EmmaSmith96]

I found out the gender of my baby yesterday, a boy. I’ve always wanted a little girl for as long as I can remember, but always thought that I wouldn’t care when the time came to actually be pregnant. But I haven’t stopped crying since finding out I’m having a boy and I’m filled with guilt. I’ve struggled mentally the whole way through this pregnancy, people would congratulate me and I wonder why, because I don’t want them to say that because it doesn’t feel like a celebration. Don’t get me wrong, if I found out I couldn’t have kids it probably would have destroyed me, but I don’t know if I have ever really truly wanted one. I’ve been reading up about gender disappointment and everyone says that I will feel differently when he is here. However, I’ve still got 5 months of this pregnancy to go dreading that when he is hear I will feel nothing, because since finding out I’ve felt nothing towards my unborn child which fills me with guilt!! I know a few people personally who have struggled with fertility and we conceived this baby so quickly, yet the whole situation just seems like an inconvenience. I’ve had to change so much about my life, my business that I’ve worked so hard on for years is in jeopardy financially with me going off to have this baby, I’m so body conscious and am really struggling with the way I look, which I’d finally found peace with after so many years before finding out I’m pregnant. I just don’t see how I can love this child when I have no feelings at all towards it and never have.

From a girl who’s struggling so much 💔

You need help otherwise your son will pick up on your negative feelings as he grows which isn't fair

OP I’ve seen loads of these threads and nothing anyone says will make a difference (even though they’re right and you’ll feel differently when he’s here). So I’m going to go against the grain - ignore the pregnancy for the time being (as in, take your prenatal vitamins and don’t drink etc, but don’t force yourself to try to bond with him or spend loads of time dwelling on boys clothes etc) - just get the essentials done and do other things to occupy your mind, do you have any hobbies etc? Friends? Exercise? Do all of that and simply wait for your due date. You will love him, I promise. He will take you by surprise.

As a mum of both sexes, I couldn’t love all my kids more if I tried - they’re not just a boy or a girl, they’re a part of me, a piece of my heart outside my body.

Sending you a gentle hug OP
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It sounds like you’re struggling with pregnancy in general which could be the reason for feeling so disappointed. Please speak to your midwife x

I felt nothing when I was pregnant, I had gone through a bereavement in early pregnancy and my mental health was poor. My midwife was really supportive, and although I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy at all, the minute I held my son I felt nothing but love. Boys are great, the bond they have with their mums is really beautiful. I have one of each now and honestly love them both equally, they are people with thoughts, feelings, ideas, quirks, their own sense of humour. It’s all of those things that makes someone who they are.

Take care of yourself x

This is awful
Let’s hope the poor lad never reads this when he is older.
Get help OP. You are about to become a parent and you are acting like you are about 12.

I wanted a girl too. In fact, my first thought when they handed me DS was ‘I wanted a girl’ 😢 I never did get a daughter as he’s my only and it really hurts that his shit of a dad went on to have a daughter. The first one in their family for quite a few generations. Ah well, maybe I’ll have a granddaughter one day. I love DS though ♥️

I have a 9 month old Grandson and he’s ace 💙 a cheeky chappy .
Such an easy baby , never cry’s and my DS was the same but my DD spent her childhood moaning and was not very laid back . Even now she’s more hard work .

I would have 10 boys over my girl ha .

You will absolutely feel different when he’s here. I wanted a girl and got a boy and was upset for a bit and got over my own issues. He’s 3 now and honestly it’s the best

Don’t be a dick to a pregnant woman who is clearly struggling with her mental health.

I've skimmed these comments and seen some incredibly unkind ones. Ignore them. I'm sorry you're struggling but as others have said, this is about your mental health. Speak to your midwife, you don't have to struggle alone.

Could you explain how and why you weren't fully aware that you have (more or less) a 50% chance of having a boy or a girl. I don't understand how that wouldn't have been obvious.

@RosesAndHellebores you must be a pre-programmes bot to think you can always be aware of exactly how life will make you feel ahead of time. Ignorant answer completely lacking in empathy.

I purposely didn't find out the sex of my first baby because deep down I knew I wanted a girl but I also knew/thought that when the baby arrived and if it was a boy at that point it wouldn't matter. It was a girl and my second was a boy and I love them both equally. My son is full of love and cuddles. He was an easy baby. My daughter was much harder work with reflux and allergies. My daughter is more independent and busy which is wonderful but I don't get so many cuddles and impulsive you're the best mummy in the world from her 😂. I promise you, you will love your child no matter what. They are all unique with their own little personalities. Once you have your baby in your arms all of this sadness, disappointed etc will seem irrelevant. Your disappointment is normal btw. Don't feel guilty. You feel how you feel, take the time to feel disappointed but then move on and look forward to your next exciting chapter.

Little boys can be so loving and affectionate. He will be a huge delight I am sure

But I feel sorry for all the negative feelings you have been having in the pregnancy even before the results. Please speak to your GP, Obstetrician or midwife. You sound like you need some support. Your baby is perfect and he deserves to be loved. You deserve help to get into a better mindset about the whole pregnancy.

Sorry to interrupt but why are we calling it Gender disappointment? when a child is born it doesn’t have a gender but it does have a sex.
Conflating the two words is what led to that confusion evidenced on other threads

I was the same and worried about having a boy but the moment I held him I knew that he was always meant to be mine

You'll change your mind when he is in your arms. Stop Stressing it's not good for you.

I'm sure my mother was very disappointed with me as a girl, she envisaged dressing me in pretty clothes, going shopping for shoes, a sort of mini me. Unfortunately I was a real tomboy, jeans and trainers, hated wearing dresses, hated shopping. Your expectations of a girl may have been totally wrong, and your little boy will be the light of your life. I agree with visualising and planning all the things you will do with your new baby, by the time he is a few months old you won't know what you would do without him.

I have a boy and 2 daughters. I'm also pregnant with a 3rd daughter.

My son is my 1st born. He's extremely precious to me and I love him so much.

Boys are bloody brilliant. You also don’t run the risk of them coming home in their late teens saying “mam I’m pregnant!” 😉

What a load of nonsense.

I'm sorry but I don't understand why having a boy would come as a surprise. You must have known the facts and had a basic understanding of statistics.

It is sad that you were very upset that you were not carrying a girl but you must have been aware there was equal chance that the baby would be a boy and you should and could have prepared yourself for that eventuality.

Perhaps gender scans need to stop. I can tell you from experience that there is nothing so wonderful as finding out the sex of your baby when they are born. In the euphoria of the moment the sex pales into insignificance. Said as someone who lost a boy at 27 weeks and desperately wanted another boy to replace him and worried about that not happening. In the event of the birth a perfect girl with an apgar of 9+ was incredible.

Gosh you are so lucky to be having a boy. I fell in love with my baby boy (years ago) the moment he was born and I have such a wonderful relationship with him! Little boys can be gorgeous and are SO affectionate.
You will be over the moon with him, I promise you

You need to pull your socks up and adjust your mentality. It won’t happen by magic. It will take effort from you.

My experience: my family is almost all women apart from my Dad. I only have sisters. My Mum has 4 sisters. My dad 1. All female cousins on my Mum’s side. Only make cousin is a lot older and lives overseas. I literally had no experience of little boys. But he was the cutest thing imaginable and we have always been very close. He’s now a hulking great teenager, but one who lives his Mum unconditionally. Boys are a lot more straightforward than girls on the social front at school. Honestly, you just have to lean into being the Mum of a little boy.

This is severe and I wonder if you have pre-natal depression. I had a very low mood when pregnant with my first. Nothing to do with gender, I think it was purely hormonal. It was weird as I'd been desperate to have a baby. It's all I wanted. As soon as I got pregnant I felt utterly miserable. That feeling didn't pass until my baby was about 4 months old, when my hormones started to return to normal.
Regarding him being a boy, well there's not much you can do about that. You need to work on coming to terms with it.
I strongly believe that our roles as mothers are to raise the children we actually have not the mythical children of our imaginations. All we can do is love them unconditionally and give them the best upbringing possible. I didn't get pregnant thinking that one of my children might have crippling anxiety and selective mutism. That wasnt part of my plan - but that's the child I have. It makes their life and my life difficult and exhausting but I'm their mother and I devote myself to looking after them. We get what we're given and then our job is to raise them. Anything else isn't reality.

Nowadays thank goodness both boys and girls are freer to enjoy activities/clothes etc. with less gender stereotyping. So whatever you envisaged yourself doing with a girl you could easily find yourself doing with your boy.

During my third pregnancy I found myself wondering if i might be disappointed if it were a third girl - but out she popped and has been a joy. All thoughts of wanting a boy vanished.

It is in many ways a pity that you found out the sex, as in all probability you would have been enchanted with your baby boy when handed to you.

It does sound as though you might benefit from some help and support. One of my DDs had ante-natal depression and her thoughts were all over the place. Please have a chat with your midwife.

And please ignore the harsh replies on here. I am sure that you did not expect to feel like this, but are having to find ways of dealing with it now it has happened. I send lots of good wishes and hope that you can find the help you need.