Gender Disappointment

[EmmaSmith96]

I found out the gender of my baby yesterday, a boy. I’ve always wanted a little girl for as long as I can remember, but always thought that I wouldn’t care when the time came to actually be pregnant. But I haven’t stopped crying since finding out I’m having a boy and I’m filled with guilt. I’ve struggled mentally the whole way through this pregnancy, people would congratulate me and I wonder why, because I don’t want them to say that because it doesn’t feel like a celebration. Don’t get me wrong, if I found out I couldn’t have kids it probably would have destroyed me, but I don’t know if I have ever really truly wanted one. I’ve been reading up about gender disappointment and everyone says that I will feel differently when he is here. However, I’ve still got 5 months of this pregnancy to go dreading that when he is hear I will feel nothing, because since finding out I’ve felt nothing towards my unborn child which fills me with guilt!! I know a few people personally who have struggled with fertility and we conceived this baby so quickly, yet the whole situation just seems like an inconvenience. I’ve had to change so much about my life, my business that I’ve worked so hard on for years is in jeopardy financially with me going off to have this baby, I’m so body conscious and am really struggling with the way I look, which I’d finally found peace with after so many years before finding out I’m pregnant. I just don’t see how I can love this child when I have no feelings at all towards it and never have.

From a girl who’s struggling so much 💔

Nobody is asking for your sympathy.

Are you so cold hearted in real life, or just towards strangers on the internet who are struggling with their mental health?

Is it just mental ill heath you have zero sympathy for or do you extend it to physical health too?

Hello - I think you need to call your GP or midwife tomorrow and tell them how you are feeling. This is a mental health issue you are dealing with and you need tangible support to be helped through it, mumsnet is not that place!! Hope it all works out ok, I’m sure it will x

I have empathy but i don't know that she will love her boy none of us know that ,i truly hope she does though.
I sincerely hope everything works out for her and anyone else in the same boat, but don't tell me not to feel sorry for baby boys whose mothers would prefer a girl because in these numerous types of threads its always a boy.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings, thoughts, or experiences of another person. It involves putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and responding with care and compassion

you are not displaying any of that here - just judgement

I haven't read replies but gender disappointment is real. I had it too, but it sounds like you've perhaps been hit harder than me.

Genuinely, I was so wrong to be upset and looking back I'd never have believed it.

DS has been the most amazing, amazing blessing. It's something about sons- they seem to have a special bond with their mum. Very uncomplicated.

To my utter amazement, when I fell pregnant again, I would have been happy with another boy and had a slight preference for one.

All that to say, in my experience, I didn't really know what I wanted because I'd never had the experience of having a child. You'll love your boy fiercely and won't be able to imagine wanting a girl, once he comes.

👏👏👏👏
Very well said.

This poor, poor baby. There is a 50% chance you were going to be disappointed - so why get pregnant?

This thread is pretty offensive to those struggling ttc with difficulty. This is a non problem- You are blessed. A baby is not an accessory.

When baby comes, you won't care less about the gender. You'll think he is the most amazing thing in the world

I always seen myself with a girl and my first was a boy.
it did take me awhile for it to sink in.

he is the biggest blessing in my life and a love like I've never felt before.

the same as a pp, when I fell preg second time, I couldn't see myself with a girl.

you will fall massively in love with him.

please speak with your MW.

I was a bit sad when I found out I was expecting my third son. I remember crying after the scan but it more that I'd never have girl, not because I didn't want more sons. I still loved him very much. We went straight to the shops a bought some lovely gender neutral outfits and I did feel much better looking at them all laid out at home. The night we was born when I was alone in the delivery room after dh went home is one of my top five memories in my life.

I also don't think this is gender disappointment. It sounds much bigger.

Yes. Possibly disappointed about being pregnant rather than the gender

If you don't want him then put him up for adoption. A lot of people who are unable to conceive would absolutely love to have him.

Sounds like this is more than just gender disappointment and OP should speak to her midwife.

I was mildly disappointed when I found out I was expecting my second son. However, I got over it after a day. I love being a boy-mum and count my blessings.

God that's so sad.

Are yiu not just relieved your child is healthy.if there were birth defects in the scan surely that would be something to cry about.

I have a son. He's the light of my life. Would have him 100 times over than. A daughter

Comments like this can be extremely harmful. I have been struggling since the start of this pregnancy and just wanted some advice when I posted this. I’ve got a lot of hate and regret my original post now.

Nothing to do at all with dressing the child up.

Absolutely nothing to do with them being an accessory. I feel I cannot connect with a boy. Never grew up around boys, no male figures who I looked up to. Before you make your judgement. I just came here for advice due to struggling

This makes sad reading.
Please seek help OP, as these feelings are not usual. This is a tiny human being, who is going to be depending on you for a very long time.

Do speak to your midwife.

I just wanted to share that you are not alone in feeling like this. I wanted a girl when I was pregnant. I had a boy. He's 17 now. I couldn't have wished for a more amazing child. We bonded immediately, so please don't worry about that, and we're just as close now as we've always been. He is my absolute world.
I also had body dysmorphia when I was pregnant. It was so bad I removed or turned around mirrors in the house.
I was diagnosed with post natal depression at around 6 months post partum. With hindsight it was more circumstantial depression than a chemical imbalance. I was in a terrible relationship that was ruining me. Just something to consider. I was pregnant at 22, completely unplanned, and I didn't feel ready to deal with the reality. Leaving that relationship was the best thing I ever did, for me and DS.
All the best for your pregnancy OP. You've got this, and don't compare yourself to others. You are unique. Your feelings are valid, but not the be all and end all.

@EmmaSmith96is simply being honest, I feel many of these responses are harsh. I was the same OP. My second child was a girl. Guess what, I’m actually much closer to my son (although I love them both equally). My husband and daughter are super close. My son is now my best friend.

I think it would be useful to unpick your fears/distaste/dislike for having a boy and why you want a girl so much. You know that these are probably stereotypical? My son is nothing like I imagined. He is a bloody amazing young man; he is sensitive, caring hard working and I don’t know anyone who is more emotionally intelligent.

Unfortunately it’s quite a loaded topic for women who are TTC. I appreciate that’s not your fault, but on an open forum like this, where you have so many different people from all different walks of life with lots of struggles, this kind of post is always going to trigger an emotional response in someone, for example, struggling to start their own family. I don’t think there’s much more practical advice people can give you - it would certainly be a good idea to reach out to your midwife/GP and get some professional mental health support. The NHS perinatal mental health team are really good and they can refer you to *talking therapies too. All the best with it and do hope you feel better soon, OP.

This is one of the reasons I decided not to have children; because I figured I would only do it once and that child would need to be a boy. So I opted not to altogether.