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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Older teens on holiday - not necessary

171 replies

workingcocker · 04/05/2025 09:25

I really want to go to Japan for my 50th in a few years time. 2 or 3 weeks multi location holiday to explore.

the kids will be 17 and 18. It will cost an awful lot of money to do.

DH thinks that we need to take them and that it would be unkind not to.

These kids get multiple holidays a year!

AIBU to think that they really don’t need to go on this trip?

we can’t afford to do it if we all go.

I have friends/relatives that would look after them if we went without them.

They would also have other holidays that year I expect. Either with us or friends.

DH and I are used to going for a short holiday on our own as I think it’s quite important for us as a couple.

it’s more that it’s a bit of a holiday of a lifetime that the kids probably won’t be able to afford for themselves for a very long time.

OP posts:
CandiedPrincess · 04/05/2025 09:28

I wouldn't exclude my kids from a trip at that age. Mine are coming with me this year and they are a bit older. If it's a few years time, you've got time to save up a bit more? I think for my 50th and a special trip, I'd definitely want my family with me.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 04/05/2025 09:31

I think you're fine to have a trip just the two of you. You can't afford to take them along as well anyway so it's kind of a no brainer!

MellowPinkDeer · 04/05/2025 09:31

I think for your birthday you can go wherever you like with whoever you like!

MichaelandKirk · 04/05/2025 09:32

Do they really want to go?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/05/2025 09:33

YANBU, especially if it's unaffordable for all four of you. Though maybe it would be affordable if you didn't have all the other holidays?

You can sow the seeds now - just you and DH will be going for this one holiday, you'll still have lots of other holidays with them.

FetidMoppet · 04/05/2025 09:33

It's up to you. I wouldn't choose to do it without my kids (they were similar ages when I turned 50 a couple of years ago), I'd choose a different destination or shorten the holiday so it was more affordable. But that choice is yours.

Bonsaibaby · 04/05/2025 09:34

What about if you go with a friend instead?

SantanaBinLorry · 04/05/2025 09:43

I'm 50 this year and we're going away without our 14 and 17yr old.
Both of them (and my other half) have all had, or have up coming trips abroad... School Sking trip, Hungary with Scouts etc.
So we thought I was OK to claim a kid free trip this time, pretty much guilt free about it 😅

But, we're doing a cheap Spanish pool/beach holiday.
I can't imagine booking a 'Trip of a lifetime' without them. They would be absolutely GUTTED if we went to Japan for 3 weeks without them.

I'd wait a few years, when they're off and busy doing their own thing and won't feel they're missing out so much.

All big trips are on hold for us til the kids are adults and able to able to contribute and join us if they want.
We've made a brief plan to all meet up for Brisbane Olympics in 8 yrs 😍

NoTouch · 04/05/2025 09:58

if it’s really money that is the issue discuss with them that there would be no other holidays that year, surely that is the easy answer?

unless it’s not money, you just don’t want them there

Original poster
workingcocker · 04/05/2025 10:16

NoTouch · 04/05/2025 09:58

if it’s really money that is the issue discuss with them that there would be no other holidays that year, surely that is the easy answer?

unless it’s not money, you just don’t want them there

It’s not just the money, and it’s not that I don’t want them there. It would be a very different holiday if they were there.

I will ask them if they would want to go. And maybe offer to pay for them to go away with some friends maybe instead.

If I just went with DH we would fly business and stay in lovely hotels etc.

To be fair we have had some wonderful holidays all together including flying around the world seeing some F1 races etc.

OP posts:
Believeinmarmite · 04/05/2025 10:20

So it's not about the money at all really if you will be flying business and staying in fancy hotels. I think Japan is on a lot of bucket lists, my kids are a similar age but would be gutted and really hurt if we did that without them, especially if we claimed it was financial reasons and spent fortune on upgrades.

DaisyChain505 · 04/05/2025 10:22

You are more than ok to go on this trip just you and your DH.

Youve put in your years of family holidays and as you’ve said your children get to go on multiple holidays a year. You deserve and are allowed to go away just as a couple.

If your children were younger or maybe hadn’t been on an abroad holiday before or in a long time I would maybe say to leave it a few years but that’s not the case.

You are not just a parent. You are a partner and an individual. Enjoy yourself.

FrenchandSaunders · 04/05/2025 10:25

Mine were a similar age when we had our 50ths and they came with us. We’re now late 50s and they’ve moved out … we’ve got lovely memories. Plenty of time to leave them out of stuff when they’re older.

Sidebeforeself · 04/05/2025 10:30

I think you dont want them there and just dont want to say it. You say you cant afford for everyone to go , but then mention other holidays.Surely you’d forgo other holidays on the basis that everyone is getting a trip of a lifetime?

Theres nothing wrong in saying what you want. Just own it.

NoTouch · 04/05/2025 11:19

workingcocker · 04/05/2025 10:16

It’s not just the money, and it’s not that I don’t want them there. It would be a very different holiday if they were there.

I will ask them if they would want to go. And maybe offer to pay for them to go away with some friends maybe instead.

If I just went with DH we would fly business and stay in lovely hotels etc.

To be fair we have had some wonderful holidays all together including flying around the world seeing some F1 races etc.

Show quote history

There's nothing wrong in saying what you want. Just own it.

^ this from a pp. Don't make up excuses of money if it is not the money, don't try to buy them with other holidays with friends, they are not stupid and will probably read more into it if you are not honest. Be honest and tell them you simply want to do it alone with dh.

Not all kids are the same, these are your kids, how do you think they will react?

StepawayfromtheLindors · 04/05/2025 11:27

Why wouldn’t you give your DC this incredible opportunity, and share it together? Nothing beats seeing the expressions and excitement on their faces when they see new places IMHO.

sandpiperspring · 04/05/2025 11:44

StepawayfromtheLindors · 04/05/2025 11:27

Why wouldn’t you give your DC this incredible opportunity, and share it together? Nothing beats seeing the expressions and excitement on their faces when they see new places IMHO.

Because people also enjoy things without their kids?! And because we don't entirely lose our identity when we have DC? And if you feel you are, you should fight against it!!

If these DC are going on multiple holidays a year they're not hard done by!

We don't go away for holidays anywhere except visiting family and the occasional UK camping trip as we can't afford it. In our situation, yes it'd be pretty mean to swan off on a foreign trip without the DC if I could suddenly afford it.

But if they've had plenty of holidays, why shouldn't the OP get a chance to treat herself for her birthday?

And anyway, the OP's DC are practically adults and she's even suggesting she pay for a holiday for her DC to take with their mates - I know which I would have preferred at 17!

Original poster
workingcocker · 04/05/2025 12:38

It still is partially money as I want to do it in style (fly business class, nice hotels etc) but if we all go we will fly economy and probably partially self cater etc. If we take them we will probably need to go in school holidays as they will be at college. So money is definitely a factor.

But yes, some of you are right. We do so much together that maybe I want this for DH and I.

It’s not for another 2 years so will see how it pans out and whether (as some of you say) they actually want to go.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 04/05/2025 12:48

Are they step children?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/05/2025 12:50

Yanbu. It will be a lovely experience for you both as a couple, without teenager's, the nicest teenagers are annoying on holiday.

If they had never been abroad for a holiday, it would be different.

edwinbear · 04/05/2025 12:54

Personally, I’d value celebrating my 50th with my children, over taking a business class flight.

Gustavo77 · 04/05/2025 12:55

Of course you take them!! Not because you have to but because they're your children that you love spending time with and you want then there. I can't understand why you'd want to go without them. That's a very weird and extremely selfish way of thinking!

I'm glad they've got a dad like they do, at least one of you isn't so entitled, and egotistical.

Picklechicken · 04/05/2025 12:56

Personally I could not enjoy a trip of a lifetime without my dc there. I’d want to share the experiences and memories with them.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 04/05/2025 12:57

I think if this was me, I would do a cheaper trip for my 50th and involve my DC, and leave the Japan trip for a few years time.

rookiemere · 04/05/2025 12:59

I would leave it for another 1-2 years until they are both at uni or working, then it’s less of an issue. Still felt a but guilty as DH and I waved off DS in first year of Uni so we could go to Costa Rica in the dry season and outside of school holidays . But we used BA avios points and companion voucher so it would have cost at least double if we brought DS along and would have been a different holiday- although DH might have enjoyed the zip wiring and white water rafting.

We are taking him to Sardinia in June although I’m already slightly worried about the meal costs as he can easily eat and drink as much as the two of us put together.