Page 2 | Older teens on holiday - not necessary

workingcocker · 2025-05-04T08:25:50+00:00

I really want to go to Japan for my 50th in a few years time. 2 or 3 weeks multi location holiday to explore. the kids will be 17 and 18. It will cost an awful lot of money to do. DH thinks that we need to take them and that it would be unkind not to. These kids get multiple holidays a year! AIBU to think that they really don’t need to go on this trip? we can’t afford to do it if we all go. I have friends/relatives that would look after them if we went without them. They would also have other holidays that year I expect. Either with us or friends. DH and I are used to going for a short holiday on our own as I think it’s quite important for us as a couple. it’s more that it’s a bit of a holiday of a lifetime that the kids probably won’t be able to afford for themselves for a very long time.

theresnolimits · 04/05/2025 13:01

I can’t understand the grief you’re getting here. Just go. You are entitled to have an independent life from your children and you and DH need to have your own relationship outside of the children. Wait until they’re in their 20s - will they want you to go backpacking with them?

15 years since mine left home and they are delighted that their dad and I have such a strong relationship and they don’t need to worry about us. And we did that by always making time for ourselves as a couple.

This is your birthday and you get to choose what you want.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/05/2025 13:03

At 17 and 18 I would far prefer to holiday with mates than parents. By mid 20s I was back to enjoying a week away with them again.
If Japan isn't somewhere that is a bucket list destination for them, then no reason why you can't do something with them to celebrate your birthday then do the holiday with your DH. And at 17 /18 they won't need friends or family to look after them they should be fine on their own.

1SillySossij · 04/05/2025 13:03

Surely they will want to celebrate your birthday with you, and you with them

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2025 13:25

Gustavo77 · 04/05/2025 12:55

Of course you take them!! Not because you have to but because they're your children that you love spending time with and you want then there. I can't understand why you'd want to go without them. That's a very weird and extremely selfish way of thinking!

I'm glad they've got a dad like they do, at least one of you isn't so entitled, and egotistical.

Edited

How bloody rude

My kids at 17 would much rather have gone on Party holidays with their friends than visit Japan

And if the OP has to do self-catering too then it's not quite so 'special' is it?

EveryOtherNameTaken · 04/05/2025 13:28

Do what you want. They get other family holidays so I think you are entitled to have one non family one as a 50th birthday treat.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/05/2025 13:33

Not because you have to but because they're your children that you love spending time with and you want then there.

OP doesn't want them there.

Who said OP loves spending time with them, not all parents believe that every part of their life should be spent with their teenagers.

You can love your DC and enjoy some time away with your husband too.

I can't understand why you'd want to go without them.

You don't have to understand, You do you.
My children are younger and less travelled, they'd be happy for their parents to have a special trip alone because they're not selfish and appreciate that we do a lot for them.

Might organise it for myself and DH in a few years, when DC are older teenagers.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 04/05/2025 13:34

I was the child whose parents did this and I found it quite upsetting. Yes we’d had other holidays but they were a cheap week self catering in Greece etc. whereas when I was 16 my parents went on a two week trip to a bucket list destination and left us behind. I couldn’t really understand why they didn’t want us there and also was sad I was missing out on going somewhere exciting. At that age it came across like they couldn’t wait for us to leave so they could get back to exciting holidays without us. Trust me, it was not a nice feeling.

Why can’t you actually talk to your kids and ask them if it would be somewhere they’d be interested in going? Explain to them that it would mean that was the only holiday that year etc. If they say no then I think it’s fine for you to go but otherwise just wait until they’ve moved out.

I will say, we fly business for almost all our holidays but if it came to it I would choose flying economy rather than leave my kids behind.

MellowCoralPlayer · 04/05/2025 13:36

I think it's a bit shit to go for your 50th. They'd probably rather do something with you.

I'd save it for a big anniversary with your partner, it will feel more natural to not bring the kids, romantic holiday.

Hummusanddipdip · 04/05/2025 13:38

My brother and I were that age when our parents went travelling across Canada for a month for their 21st wedding anniversary and mums 40th. Didn't even cross my or my brothers minds to be bothered about that.

We've not been adversely effected and have still travelled with and independently of our parents since.

Agrumpyknitter · 04/05/2025 13:43

I am also 50 this year and I will have been away for two holidays with my DH without the kids (10 and 11) and that’s because some of them are very expensive and things we just want to enjoy as a one off. One of the trips is a Royal Scotsman 3 day trip and we want to enjoy it as a couple. We haven’t done any trips without the kids but we are having two this year without them. I say go for it.

Quercus3 · 04/05/2025 13:52

My parents went to America for 2 weeks when I was 19, brothers were 17 and 16.

It was fine, we had a great time at home and we were happy for them having a big holiday! I don't think it's a big deal at all.

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 13:56

StepawayfromtheLindors · 04/05/2025 11:27

Why wouldn’t you give your DC this incredible opportunity, and share it together? Nothing beats seeing the expressions and excitement on their faces when they see new places IMHO.

Because this is HER birthday. Christ alive can a woman not have anything just for herself once she has kids?

she wants luxury. She wants business class flights and a luxury hotel. That’s too much for 4 people. If the OP wanted a massive diamond for her 50th no one would say she should only get one if she treats her dc also.

her dc have a life time to go to Japan.

TheHappyBug · 04/05/2025 13:59

For me it depends if they want to go. My youngest is desperate to go to Japan so he is waiting for his siblings to move out as we can’t afford us all to go.

I can’t imagine going without him. However next year DH and I are going on a safari which DS would hate so I don’t feel bad about him missing that.

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 13:59

YaWeeFurryBastard · 04/05/2025 13:34

I was the child whose parents did this and I found it quite upsetting. Yes we’d had other holidays but they were a cheap week self catering in Greece etc. whereas when I was 16 my parents went on a two week trip to a bucket list destination and left us behind. I couldn’t really understand why they didn’t want us there and also was sad I was missing out on going somewhere exciting. At that age it came across like they couldn’t wait for us to leave so they could get back to exciting holidays without us. Trust me, it was not a nice feeling.

Why can’t you actually talk to your kids and ask them if it would be somewhere they’d be interested in going? Explain to them that it would mean that was the only holiday that year etc. If they say no then I think it’s fine for you to go but otherwise just wait until they’ve moved out.

I will say, we fly business for almost all our holidays but if it came to it I would choose flying economy rather than leave my kids behind.

So you grew up do entitled that it never occurred to you that parents are autonomous people with dreams and adventures they want to do by themselves and not always be just mum?

you have a life time to do your own travel. Do you now take them everywhere with you?

Jesus almighty. It’s not a wonder women get fed up after menopause if they’ve been expected to sacrifice everything and think of their dc before themselves every single time. Did you get petulant when she got a nice piece of jewellery or taken out to dinner without you as well?

GoneGirl12345 · 04/05/2025 13:59

Why would you need friends or family to look after them if they will be 17 and 18 at that point?

ClairDeLaLune · 04/05/2025 14:01

workingcocker · 04/05/2025 10:16

It’s not just the money, and it’s not that I don’t want them there. It would be a very different holiday if they were there.

I will ask them if they would want to go. And maybe offer to pay for them to go away with some friends maybe instead.

If I just went with DH we would fly business and stay in lovely hotels etc.

To be fair we have had some wonderful holidays all together including flying around the world seeing some F1 races etc.

Show quote history

If you can afford to fly business and stay in lovely hotels you can afford to take your kids and do it more cheaply. YABU. It’s really sad to make them miss out on an amazing trip like that. I couldn’t envisage doing that personally.

CandyCane457 · 04/05/2025 14:01

I think this is fine. From when my brother and I were about 14/15 we’d have one abroad family holiday a year and my parents would also have one just the two of them. We didn’t mind, we stayed a few nights with grandparents and a few nights with friends, it was fun. I definitely think at your children’s ages it’s absolutely fine. Especially if you can’t really afford it!

FedupofArsenalgame · 04/05/2025 14:04

StepawayfromtheLindors · 04/05/2025 11:27

Why wouldn’t you give your DC this incredible opportunity, and share it together? Nothing beats seeing the expressions and excitement on their faces when they see new places IMHO.

And why wouldn't she celebrate her 50 the how she wants. ? It's not as though the kids never get anything or are toddlers

Lanzarotelady · 04/05/2025 14:04

I have just booked to go to Toronto/NF next year, my two will be 27 and 18 - granted the 27 yr old doesn't live with us, but the younger one does and No he isn't coming, this is a trip for me and my husband.
Yes we could afford to take him, but it changes the dynamic.

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 14:05

Gustavo77 · 04/05/2025 12:55

Of course you take them!! Not because you have to but because they're your children that you love spending time with and you want then there. I can't understand why you'd want to go without them. That's a very weird and extremely selfish way of thinking!

I'm glad they've got a dad like they do, at least one of you isn't so entitled, and egotistical.

Edited

What a bizarre attitude. Loving your dc doesn’t mean being joined at the hip ti them for life.
it’s extremely important for dc to know that mum and dad are autonomous people and not ‘just’ mum and dad.

In think parents should have a holiday without dc every year to keep their personal friendship and relationship alive and to have a break from daily responsibility and to remember who they are outside of a parent.

dc have a lifetime to do their travel. It’s not the parents responsibility to provide every experience for their dc.

i suppose you would not have a massage at a spa hotel as you think it would be selfish. Or get nice jewellery or eat out at a Michelin start restaurant without your dc.

how strange you are.

Lanzarotelady · 04/05/2025 14:07

MellowCoralPlayer · 04/05/2025 13:36

I think it's a bit shit to go for your 50th. They'd probably rather do something with you.

I'd save it for a big anniversary with your partner, it will feel more natural to not bring the kids, romantic holiday.

God forbid a woman has a life/interests away from her children! You do realise the umbilical cord is cut at birth don't you!

MadeleineAllbright · 04/05/2025 14:07

I would wait until they’re both 18 and at university or working. I don’t think it’s fair to leave a 17 year old (or an 18 year old who is still at school) for 3 weeks.

Shameshamesham · 04/05/2025 14:09

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/05/2025 12:50

Yanbu. It will be a lovely experience for you both as a couple, without teenager's, the nicest teenagers are annoying on holiday.

If they had never been abroad for a holiday, it would be different.

Edited

What a ridiculous thing to say. Of course not all teenagers are annoying on holiday!

Ours are 16 and 18 and we wouldn't dream of holidaying without them. Holidays are more than beaches and posh hotels, they are experiences and memories. There'll be plenty of time to holiday on our own when they are older.

This isn't meaning to say I think the OP shouldn't go alone. I guess it's up to her where her priorities and preferences lie, but own it (even if just to yourself), you want a holiday without the kids,this isn't about money.

And whatever you choose to do, please dont tell them you'll pay for them to go with friends instead of allowing them on a trip of a lifetime.. I'm sure they're not stupid, this would be very hurtful to my children.

StandingOnYourMamasPorch · 04/05/2025 14:13

At that age, our children would come with us if they wanted to. I suppose it depends on your family dynamics, but not inviting them wouldn’t be right for us.
I do know people that have done similar but they don’t have the sort of relationships with their children that I’d want.

Lanzarotelady · 04/05/2025 14:16

And now the holier than thou mothers come out - I just couldn't do it - its not what we as a family would do