Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent not taking no for an answer

171 replies

BeDearLion · 03/05/2025 15:29

Hi all

This is my first post on here and just wanted some advice and neutral perspectives on an argument with my mum.

For background my mum lent me 15k for my house when we bought it, she offered this I didn’t ask for it but was grateful and agreed to pay it back when we sell this house. She has also been pressuring me to move quite a lot recently as the schools by me aren’t that good and she wants my daughter to go to a better school which I do too but can’t get a new mortgage right now as partner is newly self employed. She has said why don’t we sell and rent and if we can’t find anywhere to rent we can live with her. So the plan was to sell, rent for 6 months then live with my mum for 6 months or so until we can buy somewhere new.

The recent argument is:
I have a toddler and my mum wanted to take her to a family party that I was not going to. I said no as I didn’t really feel comfortable with her going without me.

Texted this to my mum who would not take no for an answer and kept saying please let me take her, she’ll have more fun there than with you, you have to give and take, I kept saying no sorry she kept saying stop being so inflexible, you’re being selfish, it’s not fair on me, I never ask you for anything please let me take her.

I found all of this a bit odd and felt like she was being quite manipulative. She then turns up at my house saying please let me take her why won’t you let me, I again said no and was starting to get quite upset as I felt really pressured and annoyed that she was pushing it so much and had just turned up after I said no. She kept saying I have to give and take and I’m being unreasonable.

She then lost it and started crying and screaming really aggressively at the top of her voice at me calling me a selfish c**t and all I do is take and she never asks for anything from me why can’t I just do this. I was holding my toddler who was getting very scared and I asked her to leave but she wouldn’t leave just carried on screaming at me that I’m selfish horrible c word and how am I saying no to her after everything she does for me or has done for me, went on like this for a few minutes until she eventually left.

Toddler was really upset and scared saying nanny scary and I’m feeling really shaken as well. Wasn’t expecting this extreme of a reaction and I’m now doubting myself am I being unreasonable should I have just let her go and given in?

My mum does use things that she’s done for me against me in arguments so I really hate having to rely on her for anything because I know it will be used against me in future.

So now I’m thinking it’s probably not best to sell and move in with her as it will just be another thing she can use against me.

But on the other hand I want my daughter to go to a good school, feel a bit stuck and need some neutral opinions please!

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 03/05/2025 15:31

Do not under any circumstances move in with her
she sounds unhinged
youre a parent - what you say goes with your child. If she can’t accept that, that’s a her problem.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 03/05/2025 15:31

Do not sell your house
do not move in with her

rubyslippers · 03/05/2025 15:32

Unpick she wants you so close
why she gave you money? She has expectations because of both of these things - she is manipulative and making you feel like you owe her (and you don’t)

I would be looking to pay that money back ASAP and then go low to no contact with her

Moveoverdarlin · 03/05/2025 15:33

Aside from the current argument it sounds like you just don’t get on with your Mum and that you don’t trust her. I would have no problem with my Mum taking my child to a family party, but you obviously do, so living together seems a big jump.

How can you contemplate living with a woman that calls you a cunt?

BingoWindow · 03/05/2025 15:33

Do not sell your house
Do not move in with her
A couple of years will fly by, and you can change schools then. The early years can be really boosted by parental involvement playing & reading at home. Don't involve your mum and stick to the original payback when you sell not before

Swiftie1878 · 03/05/2025 15:34

BeDearLion · 03/05/2025 15:29

Hi all

This is my first post on here and just wanted some advice and neutral perspectives on an argument with my mum.

For background my mum lent me 15k for my house when we bought it, she offered this I didn’t ask for it but was grateful and agreed to pay it back when we sell this house. She has also been pressuring me to move quite a lot recently as the schools by me aren’t that good and she wants my daughter to go to a better school which I do too but can’t get a new mortgage right now as partner is newly self employed. She has said why don’t we sell and rent and if we can’t find anywhere to rent we can live with her. So the plan was to sell, rent for 6 months then live with my mum for 6 months or so until we can buy somewhere new.

The recent argument is:
I have a toddler and my mum wanted to take her to a family party that I was not going to. I said no as I didn’t really feel comfortable with her going without me.

Texted this to my mum who would not take no for an answer and kept saying please let me take her, she’ll have more fun there than with you, you have to give and take, I kept saying no sorry she kept saying stop being so inflexible, you’re being selfish, it’s not fair on me, I never ask you for anything please let me take her.

I found all of this a bit odd and felt like she was being quite manipulative. She then turns up at my house saying please let me take her why won’t you let me, I again said no and was starting to get quite upset as I felt really pressured and annoyed that she was pushing it so much and had just turned up after I said no. She kept saying I have to give and take and I’m being unreasonable.

She then lost it and started crying and screaming really aggressively at the top of her voice at me calling me a selfish c**t and all I do is take and she never asks for anything from me why can’t I just do this. I was holding my toddler who was getting very scared and I asked her to leave but she wouldn’t leave just carried on screaming at me that I’m selfish horrible c word and how am I saying no to her after everything she does for me or has done for me, went on like this for a few minutes until she eventually left.

Toddler was really upset and scared saying nanny scary and I’m feeling really shaken as well. Wasn’t expecting this extreme of a reaction and I’m now doubting myself am I being unreasonable should I have just let her go and given in?

My mum does use things that she’s done for me against me in arguments so I really hate having to rely on her for anything because I know it will be used against me in future.

So now I’m thinking it’s probably not best to sell and move in with her as it will just be another thing she can use against me.

But on the other hand I want my daughter to go to a good school, feel a bit stuck and need some neutral opinions please!

Even without this latest episode, selling and moving in with your mother is a dreadful idea.

Blackdow · 03/05/2025 15:34

Why is she so involved in your life? She’s told you to sell up, rent and then move in with her so you’re doing it? Why?

Do not move in with her. If you can’t afford to move to or rent near a good school then that’s your lot and you need to accept that. Moving in with your mum sounds like a much worse option than a less great school.

Carpetty · 03/05/2025 15:38

Cancel the sale.
Do not move in with her under ANY circumstances.

Your mother sounds unhinged and unstable.
It sounds as if the dynamic between you is toxic, controlling and highly manipulative.

Have you considered some therapy?
Your instincts are good.
I wouldn't want her alone with my child.

Think about would you like a period of space from her and perhaps step back from seeing her for a while.

It really sounds deeply unhealthy for you and your child.

You do realise her screaming the C word to you is highly abusive and not normal.

That she would do it in front of your child is shocking.

Better your daughter goes to the local school than be nearca grandmother like that.

FOJN · 03/05/2025 15:42

I agree with PP find a way to pay her back ASAP and do not move in with her. Don't accept any other loans, gifts or favours from her, it sounds like they will cost you something other than money.

I would not move closer to her when you do move.

Is it usual for her to lose it if she doesn't get her own way? Her reaction was very OTT. I would not let her have any unsupervised access to my child after the way she behaved, she does not seem well balanced.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 03/05/2025 15:46

There is so much going on here.

I'd have leaped at the chance for my mum to take my daughter to a party for a few hours.

Clearly there are bigger issues going on so do not move in with her.

SuperTrooper14 · 03/05/2025 15:47

Is there a back story as to why you didn't want to go to the party?

I wouldn't move in with her simply because it could end up being longer than six months before you find somewhere else to buy and based on this row she'll expect to call the shots once your DD is under her roof.

EmmaJane2025 · 03/05/2025 15:47

Above & besides all else, her scaring your child like that is not only unforgivable but is a bit terrifying. What human being happily screams at an adult whilst they’re holding a small child? Never mind their own grandchild… That’s not right. That’s screaming a huuuuuge lacking in empathy and of course, love. She has no concern whatsoever for your child. Your daughter will now forever be frightened of her. Always

828Pax · 03/05/2025 15:48

Do not move in with her!! I made the very same mistake with my mum and it was hell. She constantly spoke to me the same way yours did to you, in front of my children. To the point that they were terrified of leaving me alone with her and even now they still talk about how horrible nanny was to mummy, they were really scarred by it.

EmmaJane2025 · 03/05/2025 15:48

It goes beyond potential narcissism and into potential sociopathic territory. Chilling.

LyricalSixties · 03/05/2025 15:50

I had a manipulative mother, but I left home at 18 and managed to keep her at arms length and run my own life. When my child was little she did her best to undermine my parenting. I NEVER gave in to her. Please, do not sell your home to move in with your mother, you need to retain your independence from her. Any granny who is capable of making a scene like that in front of a toddler cannot be trusted with the child.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/05/2025 15:51

Do not move in with this nutter! In fact, move very far in the opposite direction and don’t give her your address. Not even joking, she sounds scarily batshit op..

AutumnLeaves91 · 03/05/2025 15:58

I’m a FTM to a 7 month old and I’d find this behaviour utterly bizarre and concerning - you are not being unreasonable! I’m sorry but your mum is incredibly volatile and narcissistic, expecting to get her own with YOUR child! I personally would not move in with her, and Is actually refuse to let her sew your child until she apologises and starts behaving appropriately.

parietal · 03/05/2025 15:58

Don’t sell your home and don’t move in with her.

keep your independence.

do you have scope to move further away from her? Is there a different location that might have decent schools and cheaper housing?

real13 · 03/05/2025 16:00

Jesus wept.
Absolutely do not sell and move in with her.

She sounds unhinged. I’m assuming this isn’t the first time she’s acted like this?

She clearly has an issue with boundaries, and so rude to turn up trying to manipulate you into handing your child over. So many would have felt like they would have to say yes at that point. Good for you for standing your ground.

friendsonly · 03/05/2025 16:03

If you don’t trust your mum to look after dd for a couple of hours at a family party then you shouldn’t be accepting help from her at all, what are the reasons you said no?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of her given you were willing to take 15k and move in with her for sixth months to expect to be able to have her grandchild for a couple of hours a

NoneedtoquotetheOP · 03/05/2025 16:04

@Swiftie1878 there was no need to repost the whole op again to add your words of wisdom to the thread.

OP don’t move in with your ‘D’M, but I would make some sort of arrangements to try and repay her asap in your shoes.

Marianwallace · 03/05/2025 16:05

You need to untangle yourself from her, don’t rely on her for anything, and her vile behaviour in front of your child is a good reason to start. I’m guessing there’s a good reason why you didn’t want to take your child to the party, and her reaction is not normal adult behaviour. She obviously can’t be trusted to regulate herself in a normal adult manner.

moanafan · 03/05/2025 16:08

Please listen to all the PPs and don’t under any circumstances move with her!!!
She is showing true colours, now you have seen that please do not subject yourself and your child to live with that!

On a separate note, schools can be subjective - just because they are not as ‘good’ as schools elsewhere doesn’t mean they are totally terrible. You will need to go and look at them when the time comes and then think about it - do not move to secure an area next to the ‘best’ school - it’s a possibility you wouldn’t get in anyway!!
I would message your Mum to say what has happened is out of order, you will be cutting contact for the foreseeable to gather your thoughts and she is not to come near you or your daughter. Her response to this will either be total remorse and sadness (if this was a one-off reaction that was totally out of character) or she will blame you and not accept responsibility … it is up to you what happens after that point.
Wishing you strength!

Zofloramummy · 03/05/2025 16:09

Do not move in with your mother. She will undermine your relationship with your dd and try to take over. It will also be mentally awful for you trying to placate her. How does your DH feel about what happened?

ChaToilLeam · 03/05/2025 16:13

Better go to a less amazing school and have peace and harmony at home. Moving in with your mother would be a nightmare for you and your DD, that surely must be completely off the table now.