Grandparent not taking no for an answer

[BeDearLion]

Hi all

This is my first post on here and just wanted some advice and neutral perspectives on an argument with my mum.

For background my mum lent me 15k for my house when we bought it, she offered this I didn’t ask for it but was grateful and agreed to pay it back when we sell this house. She has also been pressuring me to move quite a lot recently as the schools by me aren’t that good and she wants my daughter to go to a better school which I do too but can’t get a new mortgage right now as partner is newly self employed. She has said why don’t we sell and rent and if we can’t find anywhere to rent we can live with her. So the plan was to sell, rent for 6 months then live with my mum for 6 months or so until we can buy somewhere new.

The recent argument is:
I have a toddler and my mum wanted to take her to a family party that I was not going to. I said no as I didn’t really feel comfortable with her going without me.

Texted this to my mum who would not take no for an answer and kept saying please let me take her, she’ll have more fun there than with you, you have to give and take, I kept saying no sorry she kept saying stop being so inflexible, you’re being selfish, it’s not fair on me, I never ask you for anything please let me take her.

I found all of this a bit odd and felt like she was being quite manipulative. She then turns up at my house saying please let me take her why won’t you let me, I again said no and was starting to get quite upset as I felt really pressured and annoyed that she was pushing it so much and had just turned up after I said no. She kept saying I have to give and take and I’m being unreasonable.

She then lost it and started crying and screaming really aggressively at the top of her voice at me calling me a selfish c**t and all I do is take and she never asks for anything from me why can’t I just do this. I was holding my toddler who was getting very scared and I asked her to leave but she wouldn’t leave just carried on screaming at me that I’m selfish horrible c word and how am I saying no to her after everything she does for me or has done for me, went on like this for a few minutes until she eventually left.

Toddler was really upset and scared saying nanny scary and I’m feeling really shaken as well. Wasn’t expecting this extreme of a reaction and I’m now doubting myself am I being unreasonable should I have just let her go and given in?

My mum does use things that she’s done for me against me in arguments so I really hate having to rely on her for anything because I know it will be used against me in future.

So now I’m thinking it’s probably not best to sell and move in with her as it will just be another thing she can use against me.

But on the other hand I want my daughter to go to a good school, feel a bit stuck and need some neutral opinions please!

I thought it strange that you didn’t let your child go with her - I love my mum having my kids. However that was before I read about her reaction. It sounds like your instinct was talking. Listen to it and do not move in with her for gods sake! Agree with PPs to try and repay the money ASAP and limit contact.

1). It is your daughter - if you didn’t want her to go to a party without you, that’s it. Your mother saying, “She kept saying I have to give and take and I’m being unreasonable” is your mother being unreasonable, and a big red flag as to how she would behave if you were to move in with her.
2). I find it difficult to believe that a mother would use the C word to or of her own daughter. That’s just horrible and unnecessary and that she did it in front if your daughter is both outrageous and aggressive.
3) Of course you want your DD to go to a good school - but you and your DP might be in a position to move in a couple of years, so your Dd can change schools then.

Just because your DM has lent you some money doesn’t mean she has the say over what your DD does, how you lead your life, or where you live. Where is your DP in all this? I can’t think he wants to move in with a crazy MIL who shouts and swears at her own daughter because she’s not getting her own way. Be cautious, OP - and whatever you do, DON’T move in with your DM because she will make sure you are beholden to her, and you will end up falling out over your DD.

Your mother is an absolute lunatic.

Find the 15k. Get a bank loan or add a bit to your mortgage. Slap a cheque down in front of her and say 'There's your money. Don't ever try to manipulate me or emotionally blackmail me and if you ever kick off like that in front of my child again you won't be seeing either of us for a very, very long time.'

There was no need to quote the whole OP - especially just to write that.

Do you not think the schools are good enough or did she say that to you? Check them out, they might be great and you just have it in your head!

Op definitely don’t sell but try and figure out how you can get her money back to you because that’s why she wants you to sell- so try and get a loan or something

Why didn't you want to let your mum take your toddler out? Did you feel uneasy, knowing that she's capable of this unhinged behaviour?

BTW you can write "cunt" on here.

Her reaction is crazy . At most my mum will use my full name when angry . Never in a million years would she swear at me .
It's was your choice not hers.
Definitely don't move in with her. Just stay put and save . Pay her back .
I'm sure the primary schools can not be all bad near your current home

If you're not comfortable with your mother taking your child to a family event, then how on earth do you think it will actually work out living with her?

She sounds hideous. Was that the first time you’ve ever stood up to her? It sounds like she can’t tolerate being told no and unleashed hell on you when she didn’t get her own way. This is so unhealthy for you and your child to be around. Even if your local school is terrible, it will be a much better option that living with your mum.

Dont sell your house. Don’t move in with her. If you do ever move, move further away from her. Good luck.

She's unhinged, keep away & do not trust her with your precious child OP!

dont move in with her please
schools change, your input is the most important in your child's education

You think any rational parent would feel ok with that screaming cussing bag of toxic filth looking after their child? You might. I don’t think a single other person would.

OP I’d be looking for houses on the other side of wherever she lives from you.

give and take? Selfish? What does she think your child is? A football? Some Lego?

Stay put.

Your mother clearly has the idea in her head that you owe her, and she is also clearly unhinged.

The fact that you were even considering selling up, renting, and moving in with her suggests you and she have a pretty enmeshed relationship.

I don't mean to be harsh, but this plan would have involved your H and children going through three changes of address in a very short length of time, just because your mother suddenly decided your own child's school wasn't good enough - even though you and your H chose the house in the location where it is, and are aware of the school's problems - my queation here is why place so much priority on her opinion even to the point of considering putting the family through so much upheaval?

Did you grow up with a dynamic of jumping when your mother snapped her fingers, or in a home where she routinely undermined your decisions?

Im giving my son some money, well not actually money but equity in a house. It’s a lot and if I sold the house I I could pay off my own mortgage for the house I live in and have a much easier life. I’m choosing to give it to my son because I want to.
Do I think that means I can tell him what to do? No. Do I think that if/ when he has kids I have a specific right to see them or do anything I want with them eg take them to a party- no.
It’s my choice to give him the money that I could use on myself. If he chooses to cut me off and never speak to me again in the future that would be his choice. I hope he doesn’t because I love him and would miss him but giving him money doesn’t mean I am owed anything extra from him.
So your mum is being unreasonable. For your own reasons you don’t want your child going to a party. The end. She is being very controlling.

What your mum, your own mother, called you, in front of your child is completely inexcusable.

You shouldn't aim to try and move past this. Don't move in with her under any circumstances and consider whether you really need her in your life.

She is vile

Just scroll on. You’re not the thread police.

What mother calls her daughter that? I’m afraid that would be it for me.

Moving in with her would be a ridiculously stupid idea and unfair on your child who doesn't need to be around that level of crazy.

OMG!

You can NOT move in with her. EVER.
This is deranged, entitled, controlling behaviour.

Do not sell your house, your security, because she wants you to move.
Rent will be more than a mortgage in most cases. Do not sell your house if you can't afford to buy another one.

Is this normal behaviour from your mum OP? If so I can't imagine why you ever even contemplated moving in with her! Obviously it is now out of the question. If this behaviour was completely out of the blue and unexpected then I would wonder what is wrong with her. For those who ask if the money was a loan or a gift in my experience the giver has to write a letter confirming it is a gift for the purposes of getting a mortgage not the recipient so the OP can't have committed fraud in fact the mother cannot legally ask for it back.

Your toddler seems to have worked her out already - "Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings"!
Can you imagine how your little one would feel if she had to live in the same house as this harridan?
It would appear that granny's aim is to begin the enmeshment of the next generation as soon as possible.

Don't move in with her. Pay her back as soon as you can - with a loan if necessary. I'd rather my child went to a not brilliant school than live with a woman who called me those kinds of names.

This is very familiar territory for me and we both know this isn’t just an argument and it’s not just about a party. Please don’t take anything from her and as hard as she will try to make it, don’t move in with her. Everything will have strings attached and I can see by the mere fact you’re wondering if you’re being unreasonable, that she has a hold over you. It’s not easy but you need to put some huge boundaries in place now.

@BeDearLion it would be madness to move in with her

I don't buy the whole 'good' school stuff
All teachers have the same training. A well supported child will do well in any school.