Grandparent not taking no for an answer

[BeDearLion]

Hi all

This is my first post on here and just wanted some advice and neutral perspectives on an argument with my mum.

For background my mum lent me 15k for my house when we bought it, she offered this I didn’t ask for it but was grateful and agreed to pay it back when we sell this house. She has also been pressuring me to move quite a lot recently as the schools by me aren’t that good and she wants my daughter to go to a better school which I do too but can’t get a new mortgage right now as partner is newly self employed. She has said why don’t we sell and rent and if we can’t find anywhere to rent we can live with her. So the plan was to sell, rent for 6 months then live with my mum for 6 months or so until we can buy somewhere new.

The recent argument is:
I have a toddler and my mum wanted to take her to a family party that I was not going to. I said no as I didn’t really feel comfortable with her going without me.

Texted this to my mum who would not take no for an answer and kept saying please let me take her, she’ll have more fun there than with you, you have to give and take, I kept saying no sorry she kept saying stop being so inflexible, you’re being selfish, it’s not fair on me, I never ask you for anything please let me take her.

I found all of this a bit odd and felt like she was being quite manipulative. She then turns up at my house saying please let me take her why won’t you let me, I again said no and was starting to get quite upset as I felt really pressured and annoyed that she was pushing it so much and had just turned up after I said no. She kept saying I have to give and take and I’m being unreasonable.

She then lost it and started crying and screaming really aggressively at the top of her voice at me calling me a selfish c**t and all I do is take and she never asks for anything from me why can’t I just do this. I was holding my toddler who was getting very scared and I asked her to leave but she wouldn’t leave just carried on screaming at me that I’m selfish horrible c word and how am I saying no to her after everything she does for me or has done for me, went on like this for a few minutes until she eventually left.

Toddler was really upset and scared saying nanny scary and I’m feeling really shaken as well. Wasn’t expecting this extreme of a reaction and I’m now doubting myself am I being unreasonable should I have just let her go and given in?

My mum does use things that she’s done for me against me in arguments so I really hate having to rely on her for anything because I know it will be used against me in future.

So now I’m thinking it’s probably not best to sell and move in with her as it will just be another thing she can use against me.

But on the other hand I want my daughter to go to a good school, feel a bit stuck and need some neutral opinions please!

OP, the A&E message is a ploy to get you to contact her. Further manipulation - you may also get a sudden cancer diagnosis from her. Your Dad can contact you directly if he wants to.

I would respond saying you’re sorry to hear about Dad and you'd like to know how he gets on. It’s not his fault, after all, and it would be hurtful to him to ignore the message. But don’t comment on, or get drawn into, discussion of anything else. You’ve made your decision about not moving in with them, and should stick to it.

Slightly off topic but you need to think really hard if the idea of selling and renting comes up again. You never know what might happen that might prevent you getting back on the housing ladder.

She sounds like a nutter. Absolute no chance she'd ever be alone with my child after a display like that.

Thanks for the update OP and well done for handling your DM clearly and assertively. You still don't have to reply to your DM. If you want to, you could message your DF saying you hope he's OK, but don't ask him any questions, like, "How are you?" as he might reply "Well, I'm OK as it turns out but your DM's really upset ... blah, blah, blah."
Good luck OP, you're doing well with all this. 🤗

I agree with all the other posters saying don't move in with her. Plus good schools become bad schools and vice versa depending on the Head and these things change. You could move into an area with an outstanding secondary now but that's what? 8 years away and it could have gone downhill in that time.

could she be making the blood clot up?....or at least dramatising?

Putting aside the rest of it - DO NOT sell your home to rent!! are you crazy?!

House prices could keep going up and you will br priced out.

Stay in your house - your little girl will be fine in the local school - do not risk losing a house you actually own.

"Mum I asked you not to message me for a while and you have since messaged 3 times, dialling up the emotional manipulation each time to try to force me to stop having boundaries and self-respect. No.

I need to be left alone for a bit. Please do not reply to this message. I will be in touch when I'm ready. I love you but I will not stand for this kind of behaviour from you"

Your mum is manipulating and guilt tripping you keep your distance and your boundaries up.

Even the way she said “I tried to reason with you” is designed to make you feel like the bad guy. That’s no apology, it’s not accepting her fault. It’s her shifting blame when she screamed and swore in front of your you g child during an almighty tantrum cause she didn’t get what she wanted.

Contact your dad directly, don’t even reply to your mum. You asked for space it’s her job to give it to you. It’s NOT your job to placate her feelings or offer forgiveness. It’s not about her.

Sorry, OP, but this ^

Can’t you contact your dad direct?

Wow - she might well have been disappointed to have been told no but turning up and screaming abuse is not going to persuade you. I would not be moving in with her and I would tell her why - you have seen a side to her that scared both you and your child. Imagine how much harder it will be to say no and to avoid her, living in her house.
How old is your child - re the school? Is it the toddler or an older one and it is more pressing time wise? Have you checked with the bank how long your husband needs to show his self employed salary for before they would consider a new mortgage ?
Unless she gave you a time scale to pay the money back that you agree to and have missed - then she doesn't set the agenda and you are an adult who will do the best for your family.

Contact your dad directly to see how he is or just reply asking mum to keep you updated if you can't do that. She needs to prove that she has changed and a one-off apology isn't enough because it is easy to craft a sincere sounding apology but how can you actually trust that this behaviour won't be repeated? Maybe leave it another day or 2 to cool down then say that you think it best you just communicate by phone call etc for a bit then maybe meet just the two of you a few times because her behaviour really scared you and, perhaps more importantly, your DC. You could accept she is sorry but need to be able to trust that it won't happen again before risking it happening again in front of your DC. She won't like it and it will be difficult for all of you, but if she genuinely wants to rebuild the relationship she will grit her teeth and work through it.

Message your dad, not her.

Medical emergency is usually what abusive people use to resume contact when boundaries are put in place.

Do not contact her.
Contact your father or hospital directly.
She will keep pushing.
Remain strong.

Absolutely this. It’s textbook. Stand firm OP.

How old is your mum?

I again didn’t reply and she has now texted me again saying dad has gone to A and E to check for potential blood clot in his leg

CLASSIC manipulation.
If it wasn't a 'clot' it would be a 'heart attack' or a 'stroke' or something else.

Hope you reached out to your dad and not your mum if you were at all concerned.

Only contact your father if you are concerned. Don't go through her. She seems to still think she had a point and I doubt that she as remorseful as she is trying to appear.

Yes, we all make mistakes. We don't all call our daughter a selfish C word in front of our toddler granddaughter because we didn't get our own way. That's fairly extreme.

She is being manipulative. She’s said sorry but….sorry…but. She’s putting the blame back to you AND then when you don’t reply she’s messaged about your dad.

I would message your dad directly and ask if he’s ok, not her because that’s what she is hoping to achieve with that message!

They all sing from the same smelly old hymn sheet, ' Christmas Cancer'/ Holiday Herpes/ Easter Ebola etc.

Typical narc trying to get you back into line re Dad's ' blood clot', it's probably a varicose vein! if it is serious, you'll find out soon enough, meanwhile, ignore! Remember any contact is a reward and as a PP said, you can always message your Dad and put a stop to her tricks and gate keeping.