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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparent not taking no for an answer

171 replies

BeDearLion · 03/05/2025 15:29

Hi all

This is my first post on here and just wanted some advice and neutral perspectives on an argument with my mum.

For background my mum lent me 15k for my house when we bought it, she offered this I didn’t ask for it but was grateful and agreed to pay it back when we sell this house. She has also been pressuring me to move quite a lot recently as the schools by me aren’t that good and she wants my daughter to go to a better school which I do too but can’t get a new mortgage right now as partner is newly self employed. She has said why don’t we sell and rent and if we can’t find anywhere to rent we can live with her. So the plan was to sell, rent for 6 months then live with my mum for 6 months or so until we can buy somewhere new.

The recent argument is:
I have a toddler and my mum wanted to take her to a family party that I was not going to. I said no as I didn’t really feel comfortable with her going without me.

Texted this to my mum who would not take no for an answer and kept saying please let me take her, she’ll have more fun there than with you, you have to give and take, I kept saying no sorry she kept saying stop being so inflexible, you’re being selfish, it’s not fair on me, I never ask you for anything please let me take her.

I found all of this a bit odd and felt like she was being quite manipulative. She then turns up at my house saying please let me take her why won’t you let me, I again said no and was starting to get quite upset as I felt really pressured and annoyed that she was pushing it so much and had just turned up after I said no. She kept saying I have to give and take and I’m being unreasonable.

She then lost it and started crying and screaming really aggressively at the top of her voice at me calling me a selfish c**t and all I do is take and she never asks for anything from me why can’t I just do this. I was holding my toddler who was getting very scared and I asked her to leave but she wouldn’t leave just carried on screaming at me that I’m selfish horrible c word and how am I saying no to her after everything she does for me or has done for me, went on like this for a few minutes until she eventually left.

Toddler was really upset and scared saying nanny scary and I’m feeling really shaken as well. Wasn’t expecting this extreme of a reaction and I’m now doubting myself am I being unreasonable should I have just let her go and given in?

My mum does use things that she’s done for me against me in arguments so I really hate having to rely on her for anything because I know it will be used against me in future.

So now I’m thinking it’s probably not best to sell and move in with her as it will just be another thing she can use against me.

But on the other hand I want my daughter to go to a good school, feel a bit stuck and need some neutral opinions please!

OP posts:

Hdoodley · 03/05/2025 16:37

That's really upsetting for you. Maybe there's something going on with her that you're not aware of. She's out of order however and should apologise profusely. Maintain your independence in your own home and don't rent. I would however pay her back as soon as you're able rather than when you sell.

Joyunlimited · 03/05/2025 16:42

Whether or not she should have been allowed to take your daughter to the party is neither here nor there - you said no and she has no right to argue with you about it.

Absolutely do not move in with her. She would never let you forget that she had "done you a favour" and you would be setting yourself up for a lifetime of interference from her, especially on how to bring your daughter up. If she can swear at you like that, especially in front of your daughter, she is not a fit person to be around your child on a daily basis. I would try to avoid ever taking any favours from her again as she will only hold them against you.

If she queries why you now won’t move in with her, you have the perfect answer - her dreadful behaviour in front of your child. In any case, selling but not buying immediately is a big risk as house prices might go up in the meantime.

Attending a less good school for a year or two will not harm your daughter.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 03/05/2025 16:43

I also don't understand why you were so concerned about her taking her granddaughter to a family party, so it seems there is more to it than you say; and her reaction also appears insane. You don't move in with her. You pay he back the £15k. Then decide whether you want a relationship going forward.

Muffinmam · 03/05/2025 16:44

It would be a massive mistake if you moved in with her. Your mother is severely unhinged and is abusive.

It would not be safe for your daughter to be around this damaged woman and it’s highly likely she will take your daughter from you and kick you out of her house.

Stay where you are.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 03/05/2025 16:44

A good school would mean fuck all if the price to pay for that is a miserable home life

MyDeftDuck · 03/05/2025 16:45

Under no circumstances should you consider moving in with your mother - she is a control freak hellbent on taking over your lives. No one in their right mind sends to take a small child to a party and then kicks off when the child’s parent doesn’t agree.

Pay her back the money you borrowed as soon as possible and be a family with your OH and child.

Bumcake · 03/05/2025 16:47

She sounds like a nut, and if you move in with her then you’re one too.

Ponderingwindow · 03/05/2025 16:52

Don’t move in with her. Don’t let her babysit.

If your child needs access to a better school, make changes within your own household to make it happen. Perhaps now isn’t the best time for your partner to be self-employed.

Nanny0gg · 03/05/2025 16:54

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 03/05/2025 15:31

Do not sell your house
do not move in with her

^^This

Plus save every penny to pay her back

But why was she so desperate for your DC to go to the party?

BonfireToffee · 03/05/2025 16:55

Without derailing your thread and going into my own saga, I can only beg you, OP: do NOT ignore these warning signs. I let my mother get close during one of her seeming-normal periods and it is literally, and by far, the worst mistake I’ve ever made in my life.

Do not give this woman access to your child or control of your life.

Essydubz · 03/05/2025 16:59

I think your story doesn't make sense, not quite at least. It seems to me that you both have unhealthy history that you have not discussed here. So, I would advise you to absolutely not move in with your mother. You're the mother now and your relationship with your small child is the one that matters because you have the opportunity to give them the mother/child relationship that you clearly did not get. Focus on your child. The school doesn't matter, how your child engages and how supportive of their education you are is what matters, along with charisma and being personable, things that might get stunted living with your mom. I have a friend who went to MIT and he is in a mediocre job. My brother didn't go to uni at all and he worked his way up in big pharma and has an incredible career.

Cherrysoup · 03/05/2025 17:01

Please tell us you haven’t actually sold your house? You cannot move in with her, I guarantee she’ll take your child whenever she wants and drive you mad. Speaking to friends, they regret sending their dc to private primary schools and say in hindsight, they’d only worry about secondary schools (I know you haven’t mentioned private, just saying they now regret what they did for primary choices).

Is this an unusual outburst? Has she done it before? I think you need to reinforce your boundaries, this is horrific behaviour from her. Turning up when you said no is disgraceful.

yeesh · 03/05/2025 17:01

You would be fucking mad to move in with her

Lolapusht · 03/05/2025 17:03

Do NOT move in with your mum.

Does she usually make herself the centre of things? Does she use her emotions/threat of her emotions to make people do things eg crying/getting angry? Do you feel like you’re always in the wrong, even when you know you are in the right? Does everyone usually do what she wants because it’s easier than dealing with her rage? If yes, she may well be a narcissist in which case you need to find out how growing up with a narcissist for a mum affects you. Her going super-angry may have been a narcissistic rage.

How bad are your local schools, how good are the new schools and what are you judging that on. Unless you know of specifics in your current schools, I wouldn’t move my child unless it was guaranteed to be better. You will have considered multiple things when buying your current house so you have to be 100% sure you would happily put those aside before committing to move.

If you’ve got a mortgage, did you declare the £15k was a loan and not a gift? You usually have to so you may have committed fraud if you’ve signed to say the funds are a gift. Don’t do that again.

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER.

fgwcam · 03/05/2025 17:05

So the plan was to sell, rent for 6 months then live with my mum for 6 months or so until we can buy somewhere new

Fuck, NO!

And I thought that before I read the rest of it.

No good school in the world will make up for a child having to live in a house with a grandparent behaving like that and she could end up trapping you because you'll have sold the house and be living with her and she'll find some way of preventing you buying another house so you'll be stuck. I'd expect one tactic might be to drive a wedge between you and your partner so he ends up leaving and you're stuck trying to buy or rent a house with just your salary and any CM he pays.

Do not sell your house. You can save up until you are in a better position to move later. Your child is only a toddler.

I would have shut down the text conversation too and just stopped replying. Perhaps one last text "As I've said, Toddler will not be going to the family party with you." And I probably wouldn't have answered the door to her either.

She does not deserve your politeness and attention going on like that.

Italiangreyhound · 03/05/2025 17:13

your mum sounds unhinged. I am so sorry. Just be very clear. She will take no for answer. Do not move in with her. You can move once you can afford it.

Just be clear, your child, your rules.

elfendom · 03/05/2025 17:19

The minute a poster uses the verb 'screaming' in their post, you know the story is being embellished. So don't move in with her, but give her back her 15k immediately.

nocoolnamesleft · 03/05/2025 17:28

She has no respect for your boundaries. For the love of god do not move in with her.

ThejoyofNC · 03/05/2025 17:35

Stay where you are. Pay her back the £15k as a priority so she has nothing to hold over you. I'd tell her she won't be seeing you for a while after how she behaved today.

Aim to move to an area with better schools in time for secondary.

mumuseli · 03/05/2025 17:38

Irishpoppy · 03/05/2025 16:13

Your mum is not a safe person and I would not trust her to be around my daughter at all. Your daughter is better off going to a ‘less’ good school than living with someone who is (let’s face it) unhinged.

I agree with this.
& try not to worry too much about how ‘good’ your local primary schools are. In my experience, some of the schools that are looked down upon by others can actually be great & with a strong community and wonderful staff. (I appreciate that’s not really my place to say as I don’t know your area and I’m sure you’ve done the research yourself…. I just wanted to make the point that it can be worth going into it with an open mind. Hope that makes sense! x)

LilacPony · 03/05/2025 17:42

You might want your daughter to go to a better school, but at the sacrifice of having to live with that behaviour?

OneMintWasp · 03/05/2025 17:43

We take nothing at all from my in laws, no childcare, money or help with anything what so ever. We learnt very quickly that with them it's all transactional. They always expect something in return and 99% of the time it's un restricted, unsupervised access to our children. If they dont get it they're nasty.

caramac04 · 03/05/2025 17:47

Her behaviour was abusive to both you and your child.
Never move in with her. Try to get as far away as possible.

catndogslife · 03/05/2025 17:48

Does your DM have a past history of being verbally abusive to you or is this completely new behaviour?
No, I wouldn't move in with someone who had behaved like this and scared my child either.
PS Being newly self-employed would also affect your ability to rent a suitable property as well as a new mortgage.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/05/2025 17:51

elfendom · 03/05/2025 17:19

The minute a poster uses the verb 'screaming' in their post, you know the story is being embellished. So don't move in with her, but give her back her 15k immediately.

Edited

Really? You have never heard someone scream or shout? Lucky you 🤣

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