Grandparent not taking no for an answer

[BeDearLion]

Hi all

This is my first post on here and just wanted some advice and neutral perspectives on an argument with my mum.

For background my mum lent me 15k for my house when we bought it, she offered this I didn’t ask for it but was grateful and agreed to pay it back when we sell this house. She has also been pressuring me to move quite a lot recently as the schools by me aren’t that good and she wants my daughter to go to a better school which I do too but can’t get a new mortgage right now as partner is newly self employed. She has said why don’t we sell and rent and if we can’t find anywhere to rent we can live with her. So the plan was to sell, rent for 6 months then live with my mum for 6 months or so until we can buy somewhere new.

The recent argument is:
I have a toddler and my mum wanted to take her to a family party that I was not going to. I said no as I didn’t really feel comfortable with her going without me.

Texted this to my mum who would not take no for an answer and kept saying please let me take her, she’ll have more fun there than with you, you have to give and take, I kept saying no sorry she kept saying stop being so inflexible, you’re being selfish, it’s not fair on me, I never ask you for anything please let me take her.

I found all of this a bit odd and felt like she was being quite manipulative. She then turns up at my house saying please let me take her why won’t you let me, I again said no and was starting to get quite upset as I felt really pressured and annoyed that she was pushing it so much and had just turned up after I said no. She kept saying I have to give and take and I’m being unreasonable.

She then lost it and started crying and screaming really aggressively at the top of her voice at me calling me a selfish c**t and all I do is take and she never asks for anything from me why can’t I just do this. I was holding my toddler who was getting very scared and I asked her to leave but she wouldn’t leave just carried on screaming at me that I’m selfish horrible c word and how am I saying no to her after everything she does for me or has done for me, went on like this for a few minutes until she eventually left.

Toddler was really upset and scared saying nanny scary and I’m feeling really shaken as well. Wasn’t expecting this extreme of a reaction and I’m now doubting myself am I being unreasonable should I have just let her go and given in?

My mum does use things that she’s done for me against me in arguments so I really hate having to rely on her for anything because I know it will be used against me in future.

So now I’m thinking it’s probably not best to sell and move in with her as it will just be another thing she can use against me.

But on the other hand I want my daughter to go to a good school, feel a bit stuck and need some neutral opinions please!

People who love you, do not treat you like that to get their own way.

Yeah OP she has you hooked.....could that have been part of the plan with the loan? What was she like as a mum to you?

Thank you all for your replies that was really helpful.

I have plenty of stories of her acting like this when I was growing up but as I don’t live at home anymore I haven’t seen this side of her in a while and thought maybe it had stopped.

I’m glad this has happened now and not later, we will not be moving in with her, will just have to make do with where we are for now. Definitely don’t want my child to have to be around that.

A few people asked why I didn’t trust her to take her to the party, and it’s not that I didn’t trust her to I just don’t know many of the people going to the party and it was about an hour away so I just felt a bit uncomfortable with it.

Fuck me. I wouldn't trust her with the baby ever. She's abusive. She was abusive when you were growing up. She's abusive now. Do you think that she won't turn on your kid the way she turns on you?

This.

Just to add to what pps have said. No school, no matter how good, can make up for a home life that's rotten with abuse and exploitation. Likewise, a weaker school won't undermine a happy, stable home life with parents who support each other and their children. Your DD's sense of safety and emotional security are more important than her prospective school's last Ofsted report. It's hard to imagine that she - or you - will enjoy much of either if you move in with a manipulative harpy who thinks nothing of spewing foul language if she doesn't get her way. Don't forget either, her effect on your DP. How will he like going to work every day, knowing that you and your daughter will be at the mercy of your DM's vituperation?

As others have said, close down your DM's nastiness, not by threatening estrangement, but by promising it, if she doesn't behave in a reasonable manner. Make sure you follow through if necessary. And find a way to pay her back her money as soon as possible, so that she can't hold it over you. You, your DP and your little girl deserve better.

Absolutely DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER! It is a recipe for disster. Protect your peace and be strong in putting in unwavering, clear, consistent boundaries. The way she is behaving is not okay, you cannot control her actions but only manage your own actions in this through the boundaries you set and following through with them.

Giving in to people like this is the worst thing you can do. Especially when the welfare of your dc is concerned. No, you definitely shouldn't have given in. Your only mistake was opening the door.

Do not move in with this loon under any circumstances. Don't live any closer than you currently do either. Your "D"M will get worse.

She only wants you to sell so she can insist you repay the £15K. This will not end well

Don’t move in with her. Her reaction is ridiculous and are you really ok with her calling you the c word? Would you be ok with her calling your daughter that? Or would you call your daughter that?

Please please do not sell and move in with her. Stay where you are - schools change in terms of their popularity and Ofsted scores and once you look round them for yourself you will find a good fit for your daughter.

The way your mother has behaved is abusive both to you and your daughter. She is using FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt to control you and when she didn’t get her way demonstrated narcissistic rage.

Find a way to get the £15K at some point and pay her back. She will hold it over you until you do.

I would also refuse to see her without another adult present so you have a witness if she repeats the shouting and swearing at you in front of your young child. I would go no contact personally but it’s your choice of course.

I would go no contract until she gets mental health help. That’s insane.

Oh gosh, there's a lot going on here!

To echo what many PP have said - I wouldn't remotely consider moving in with her. And it's your child and you decide where she goes and with whom - I'd say your Mum has just shown herself to be an unsuitable person to have your kid without you there.

I hope you're ok. It must feel horrible, having the person who's supposed to love you unconditionally and always have your back behave this way towards you. Can you imagine ever treating your daughter this way because you don't get your own way over something? I bet not.

In your shoes I think I'd distance myself, pay back the loan, and focus on building a happy and peaceful life.

Once the dust has settled a bit you will see this incident for what it is , a huge bright red flag with flashing lights to signal don’t move in with her. She is trying to manipulate you by repeating requests, giving ultimatums, wheedling, embarrassing you on your own doorstep, hissy fits, verbal abuse. You rightly closed the door on her, imagine if she did all this when you were in her house. You would have no door to close to shut her out.

You were not in the wrong.
You didn't want her to how with, end of story.
You'll very much regret it if you move in with her, then you'll feel you have to do as she asks.
Don't do it!

I loved my mum dearly, but she could also be quite manipulative in a similar way. The pattern was...

1. Offer to pay for something significant in the house (often something that would come with significant disruption, that we wouldn't have planned to do quite then, or that bothered her more than it bothered us i.e. remodel the kitchen)
2. We politely decline said offer on the basis that it wasn't wanted/needed/we'd save up ourselves/do it in our own time etc.
3. There would be a falling out and constant arguments/pressure because we were being ungrateful, how could we turn this down, she's trying to help and we're throwing it back in her face
4. We would reluctantly agree
5. Work would get done, and we'd obviously express extreme gratitude for all the help
6. At various points in the future it would always come back to bite, sometimes very big things (similar to yourself - insisting that we move house, because she didn't think it was in a great area) to very small things - trying to dictate where my partner could and couldn't hang pictures in the kitchen, because she had paid for the kitchen)

With hindsight, I tried to put my boundaries in the wrong place - stage 6 - when I should have set the hard boundaries at stage 2. That would have been a difficult argument up front, but at least it would have contained the issue.

And the way your DM behaved towards you today (and in front of your DC) shows exactly why you were right not to let her take your DC to the party. She's an unhinged piece of work!
Maybe I've led a sheltered life, but I'm genuinely shocked at what she called you - repeatedly! I cannot imagine my own DM ever calling me a "cxxx" and if she ever had it would have been the last thing she ever said to me. 😡
I hope it goes without saying, but do not sell your house and do not move in with her (if you were to have a row whilst living under her roof you wouldn't be able to tell her to leave).
Edited to say, perhaps you could tell her that now your toddler thinks nanny's scary, she's got even less chance of taking them out somewhere without you!

I honestly wouldn't worry about schools until she is in juniors or going to secondary. All your daughter really needs is a nice friendship group and a not dreadful environment to learn in.

In terms of your mum it sounds like you've had a close escape.

Unfer no circumstances move in with her. I think you opened the floodgates by allowing her to direct your lives with the move.

I wouldn't be happy with my kids going to an adults party if I didn't know who was going to be there. And by acting that way in front of your daughter, your mum has shown that she has very different ideas of what's appropriate behaviour in front of kids.

It must've been difficult growing up if she acted like that with you. Hugs. X

Stay where you are.

Pay back the £15,000 to her.

Don't borrow or accept anymore money.

This gives you independence in your decision making.

My DP’s gave me a little towards a deposit for my house, then offered money for a cheap sofa bed ( so that they could stay for 6 weeks annually when they came home from abroad). I wanted to buy a much nicer sofabed, they didn't. They wanted to call the shots about staying too. I felt as if they thought the owned part of my house.

An heated discussion and me paying back the money solved it. I realised I couldn't have it both ways, their money and my own way. Independence is priceless in this situation.

I will not be moving closer let alone into the same house as anyone who shouts and calls me the C word…esp in front of a child! Nope. Not worth the aggro or the manipulation that will come with it. Sorry, your mum sounds a little narcissistic and well, unhinged if I’m honest. Best kept at a distance..

Sounds like my mum. Does she have a history of behaving this way? I had to cut mine off and go no contact because she couldn't respect my boundaries. The only boundaries I put in place were she stops calling my kids her babies and I invite her to my house when I want not a scheduled weekly visit lol. No advice other than you're not alone! Hope you and little one are doing okay💜

A “good school” where parents don’t scream the c word at their/in front of their children ? Ironically she’s just the type of person people are trying to avoid their children mixing with their offspring …

You need to find a way to give her the money back. Then she won’t have any hold over you anymore.

Give up the idea of moving for now because you can’t afford it. Definitely don’t move in with her.

In my experience of people like this, when you first set a boundary they rail against it but it gets easier. She needs to apologise I wouldn’t be seeing her until there’s an apology for such awful language, especially in front of your child.

Exactly. Why does she know so much about your business.

Agree with others, you need to do everything possible to hand her back her money, and go lc.

I am jealous that a grandparent wants your little shit so bad - mine could not care less about the gc/ aka my dc. On both sides. Just being jealous.