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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparent not taking no for an answer

171 replies

BeDearLion · 03/05/2025 15:29

Hi all

This is my first post on here and just wanted some advice and neutral perspectives on an argument with my mum.

For background my mum lent me 15k for my house when we bought it, she offered this I didn’t ask for it but was grateful and agreed to pay it back when we sell this house. She has also been pressuring me to move quite a lot recently as the schools by me aren’t that good and she wants my daughter to go to a better school which I do too but can’t get a new mortgage right now as partner is newly self employed. She has said why don’t we sell and rent and if we can’t find anywhere to rent we can live with her. So the plan was to sell, rent for 6 months then live with my mum for 6 months or so until we can buy somewhere new.

The recent argument is:
I have a toddler and my mum wanted to take her to a family party that I was not going to. I said no as I didn’t really feel comfortable with her going without me.

Texted this to my mum who would not take no for an answer and kept saying please let me take her, she’ll have more fun there than with you, you have to give and take, I kept saying no sorry she kept saying stop being so inflexible, you’re being selfish, it’s not fair on me, I never ask you for anything please let me take her.

I found all of this a bit odd and felt like she was being quite manipulative. She then turns up at my house saying please let me take her why won’t you let me, I again said no and was starting to get quite upset as I felt really pressured and annoyed that she was pushing it so much and had just turned up after I said no. She kept saying I have to give and take and I’m being unreasonable.

She then lost it and started crying and screaming really aggressively at the top of her voice at me calling me a selfish c**t and all I do is take and she never asks for anything from me why can’t I just do this. I was holding my toddler who was getting very scared and I asked her to leave but she wouldn’t leave just carried on screaming at me that I’m selfish horrible c word and how am I saying no to her after everything she does for me or has done for me, went on like this for a few minutes until she eventually left.

Toddler was really upset and scared saying nanny scary and I’m feeling really shaken as well. Wasn’t expecting this extreme of a reaction and I’m now doubting myself am I being unreasonable should I have just let her go and given in?

My mum does use things that she’s done for me against me in arguments so I really hate having to rely on her for anything because I know it will be used against me in future.

So now I’m thinking it’s probably not best to sell and move in with her as it will just be another thing she can use against me.

But on the other hand I want my daughter to go to a good school, feel a bit stuck and need some neutral opinions please!

OP posts:

Ohthatsabitshit · 05/05/2025 15:47

Your job is to look after dd. She must have been terrified of her granny calling her mum a selfish cunt and shouting. That’s damaging stuff as a one off, let alone day in day out as you start school. So many ideas about what is ok get seated in little heads.
You’ve made a good decision to stay where you are. I’d pay your Mum off as soon as is possible and then look to move. Try very hard not to go back into renting. Make where you are home and see your mum if you want to in measured safe amounts. It’s a good thing that you’ve seen how it might be and made changes to keep dd and yourself safe from that upset. Brilliant parenting in a difficult situation.

Eventer22 · 05/05/2025 15:58

Well you cannot move in with her. Simply not. You need to tell her this now.

What lies at the bottom of her anxiety to behave I assume, out of the ordinary ?
Some questions to her ( without your child anywhere near ) and an explanation from her would be helpful to you both.

You started by talking about the money. Is this at the root of things?
But her, I assume odd behaviour suggests all is not well at all. But you will only find out more information by getting some answers to questions.

And set some boundaries too. She is not to turn up swearing and shouting at your doorstep, thank you. Completely inappropriate and very unwelcome. Explain to her she cannot do that again.

Jadorelabrador · 05/05/2025 16:06

Do not move. Extend your mortgage and give her back her money. Go no contact in the meanwhile and tell her she was verbally abusive and no means no. The name calling would be it for me.

Collegennow · 05/05/2025 16:21

Any benefits of a 'good' school would be negated by watching their mother being called a 'c*' by their grandparent.

Stick to your guns and put yourself and your family first. Your mother's behaviour is deranged, there is absolutely no call for it.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 05/05/2025 16:27

What is wrong with the local schools?

I would probably look at remortgaging and getting some of the equity out to give to your mum, she then can’t hold that over your head or pressure you into situations.

At the end of the day this is your child, what you says goes! She cannot dictate what she gets to do with her then you say no!

wowwhataday · 05/05/2025 16:32

@Swiftie1878

Ahhhh. Why post the whole thread again. We know who you’re replying to

Cornishclio · 05/05/2025 16:36

I think you would be crazy to move in with her. She sounds crazy

Hollietree · 05/05/2025 16:39

It sounds like she lent you the money to use it over you in the future, a means to control you, to make you feel indebted to her.

If I were you I would not sell the house, do not get yourself off the property ladder - only move when you are in a position to buy another place.

The schools near you might not be outstanding but lots of children don’t go to the best schools and still thrive - one of the biggest helps to children thriving academically is having parents/adults in their lives who pay an interest in their schooling, spend time reading with them and doing a little extra maths/English at home. I would commit to doing this with your child after school a few nights a week…… over taking yourself off the property ladder. You can always move in a few years if you feel your child isn’t thriving at their local school.

Is there any chance you could remortgage to release the £15k, pay your Mum back and remove any hold she has over you?

FoxesSox · 05/05/2025 16:40

Her reaction was unreasonable but you were also totally weird not letting grandmother take toddler to a party. Why don’t you trust her to take toddler to a party but you trust to live with her? All sounds weird toxic family dynamic.

BigHeadBertha · 05/05/2025 16:48

So now she's clearly shown you that she hasn't changed after all. You're definitely doing the right thing, all the way around.

You've had to give her a refresher course that YOU are the mother and YOU call the shots with your child, not her. And that stays the same, regardless of how much she helps you out financially.

If she flies off the handle so easily and extremely, that's what your small child might have to deal with elsewhere, without you there. Someone who screams the "c" word in front of your child etc. isn't trustworthy. She's shown she's not a suitable person to leave your child with.

Her outrageous behavior negates the positives of relying on her for anything. It's a shame but you get it and you've changed your plans accordingly. Good job!

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/05/2025 17:10

Oh hell no.

It was silly to take her money, but its a trap many people fall into.

I would find a way to pay her back if you can - however, how was the money given? If she's signed paperwork to say this is a gift (so you could use it toward the house purchase) then she has no legal recourse to ask for it back.

Don't put yourself in debt to pay her back though - she gave the money of her own free will, if she thought she was buying you, or your kid, well she's a fool.

Tbh, I'd be inclined to move much much further away if you can, and go NC.

Slawbans · 05/05/2025 17:20

Definitely don’t move in with her
And dont give her back the 15k - it was a gift, not a loan.She can retrospectively add all the conditions she wants.. but they aren’t binding. No need to for you to occupy the moral high ground here. It won’t serve any purpose.

Topseyt123 · 05/05/2025 17:32

Anyone who behaved like that to me in front of my young child would never see either of us again. Your crying toddler has clearly shown you what damage your mother is capable of, even in just a very few minutes.

Stick to your guns. Don't sell your house and definitely don't move to be anywhere near to her. Quite the opposite, in fact. I probably wouldn't give her the £15k back either. After all, you're not selling the house at the moment and she doesn't get to dictate on that.

DrPrunesqualer · 05/05/2025 17:33

It really depends how much you want that better school for your daughter.

Can you save enough without her free accomodation, I’d do the maths.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 05/05/2025 17:35

Seeing as your DM behaved in that way YABVVU if you think just putting your DD into a good school will outweigh the onslaught that will go with living with your mother.

Do not do it.
Your DM sounds an absolute nightmare, and I'm serious when I say once she's had it professionally looked into to see what's going on inside it, she should hang her head in shame in behaving as she did while your own little one was present.

RareGoalsVerge · 05/05/2025 17:44

Dear lord no do not ever move in with her, and certainly do not sell and rent, it will be really difficult to get back onto the property ladder. If you can't afford to buy in a better area, stay put where you are. Even if the nearby school isn't great, children often still thrive at schools that aren't great. Actually it's questions like "do you read at home with her every day" and "do you have a positive attitude to school and learning at home" (eg not moaning about stupid teachers in her hearing), and "do you model and support a growth mindset" (where effort is praised and rewarded, not results, and a result that is a bit of a mess is praised for the wonderful learning opportunities of skills they are building) - all these have much stronger impact than the specific school. Often it's schools which are located in areas where a lot of people live where the answer to these questions is "no" seem to be worse on paper than schools which are located in areas where a lot of people live where the answer to these questions is "yes", when really the schools aren't much different

SmudgeButt · 05/05/2025 17:45

We needed a place to live and decided to move in with the inlaws "just for a couple of months". We moved out 7 years later as that's how long it took to get our finances sorted and find a house we could buy. Granted my inlaws were lovely so that made life bearable.

But basically you think it might be 6 months. And it might not be. Meanwhile your toddler will be living with scary nanny.

RareGoalsVerge · 05/05/2025 17:48

P.S. when you bought with the £15k from your mum, did she sign a paper to confirm it was a gift not a loan? It's unusual for a mortgage lender to accept deposit money which is a loan from a family member

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 05/05/2025 18:08

OP, for children, the atmosphere at home matters just as much (or more) as being in a 'good' school. I'm glad you are not moving in with her!

When she lost her temper, your mother did not protect your child. Luckily you did but if she took your child out alone, you wouldn't be able to.

The happiness and safety of your child is your priority. It is not your mother's and she doesn't look to be able to be a safe carer... That is something to consider if you get future 'requests'.

Original poster

BeDearLion · 06/05/2025 11:48

Thank you so much for all your advice it has been really validating to know how I’m feeling isn’t wrong.

I texted my mum saying she is not allowed to look after grandchild on her own anymore/ won’t be selling etc and asked her not to message me for a while. She has replied:

Ok I'm sorry for everything there was no excuse for losing my temper and I sincerely apologise for that. It was a hard emotional week for me and I just couldn't not understand why you wouldn't want to make me happy a little bit. However any other time I'm sure I would have handled it better. I'm not perfect and I really did try to reason with you. I just felt let down , maybe that was stupid. All I can really do is apologise . We have all said and done things in anger or frustration but its moving forward that counts. I'm sorry and I love you all.

I didn’t reply and she texted me again the next day saying:

Morning, I am so sorry for hurting you. I feel horrible and ashamed and annoyed with myself. Please know that I truly love you and I will do all that I can to be better x

I again didn’t reply and she has now texted me again saying dad has gone to A and E to check for potential blood clot in his leg

I don’t know what to make of all that? Am I being cold not responding to her apologies and should I now message about my dad? Also feel like she is being slightly manipulative in the texts and maybe using my dad to get me to talk to her but I also feel really nasty for thinking that

OP posts:

JojoM1981 · 06/05/2025 11:51

She sounds unhinged. DO NOT move in with her. Not a healthy environment for your daughter to be in either 😲😲😲

JojoM1981 · 06/05/2025 11:52

BeDearLion · 06/05/2025 11:48

Thank you so much for all your advice it has been really validating to know how I’m feeling isn’t wrong.

I texted my mum saying she is not allowed to look after grandchild on her own anymore/ won’t be selling etc and asked her not to message me for a while. She has replied:

I didn’t reply and she texted me again the next day saying:

Morning, I am so sorry for hurting you. I feel horrible and ashamed and annoyed with myself. Please know that I truly love you and I will do all that I can to be better x

I again didn’t reply and she has now texted me again saying dad has gone to A and E to check for potential blood clot in his leg

Ignore everything she has written. Just say something like "let me know how dad gets on".

Swiftie1878 · 06/05/2025 11:54

BeDearLion · 06/05/2025 11:48

Thank you so much for all your advice it has been really validating to know how I’m feeling isn’t wrong.

I texted my mum saying she is not allowed to look after grandchild on her own anymore/ won’t be selling etc and asked her not to message me for a while. She has replied:

I didn’t reply and she texted me again the next day saying:

Morning, I am so sorry for hurting you. I feel horrible and ashamed and annoyed with myself. Please know that I truly love you and I will do all that I can to be better x

I again didn’t reply and she has now texted me again saying dad has gone to A and E to check for potential blood clot in his leg

Contact your dad directly? He didn’t do anything wrong. xx

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/05/2025 11:55

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 03/05/2025 15:46

There is so much going on here.

I'd have leaped at the chance for my mum to take my daughter to a party for a few hours.

Clearly there are bigger issues going on so do not move in with her.

Edited

I would have said no as well. No big issues, just didn’t think my mum was up to it and our kids wouldn’t have enjoyed it at that age either.

Needspaceforlego · 06/05/2025 12:25

Op i think it means you can work on improving relationships BUT I certainly wouldn't be taking any steps to move in with her.
You need some physical distance between you.

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