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AIBU?

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Original poster

Grandparent not taking no for an answer

171 replies

BeDearLion · 03/05/2025 15:29

Hi all

This is my first post on here and just wanted some advice and neutral perspectives on an argument with my mum.

For background my mum lent me 15k for my house when we bought it, she offered this I didn’t ask for it but was grateful and agreed to pay it back when we sell this house. She has also been pressuring me to move quite a lot recently as the schools by me aren’t that good and she wants my daughter to go to a better school which I do too but can’t get a new mortgage right now as partner is newly self employed. She has said why don’t we sell and rent and if we can’t find anywhere to rent we can live with her. So the plan was to sell, rent for 6 months then live with my mum for 6 months or so until we can buy somewhere new.

The recent argument is:
I have a toddler and my mum wanted to take her to a family party that I was not going to. I said no as I didn’t really feel comfortable with her going without me.

Texted this to my mum who would not take no for an answer and kept saying please let me take her, she’ll have more fun there than with you, you have to give and take, I kept saying no sorry she kept saying stop being so inflexible, you’re being selfish, it’s not fair on me, I never ask you for anything please let me take her.

I found all of this a bit odd and felt like she was being quite manipulative. She then turns up at my house saying please let me take her why won’t you let me, I again said no and was starting to get quite upset as I felt really pressured and annoyed that she was pushing it so much and had just turned up after I said no. She kept saying I have to give and take and I’m being unreasonable.

She then lost it and started crying and screaming really aggressively at the top of her voice at me calling me a selfish c**t and all I do is take and she never asks for anything from me why can’t I just do this. I was holding my toddler who was getting very scared and I asked her to leave but she wouldn’t leave just carried on screaming at me that I’m selfish horrible c word and how am I saying no to her after everything she does for me or has done for me, went on like this for a few minutes until she eventually left.

Toddler was really upset and scared saying nanny scary and I’m feeling really shaken as well. Wasn’t expecting this extreme of a reaction and I’m now doubting myself am I being unreasonable should I have just let her go and given in?

My mum does use things that she’s done for me against me in arguments so I really hate having to rely on her for anything because I know it will be used against me in future.

So now I’m thinking it’s probably not best to sell and move in with her as it will just be another thing she can use against me.

But on the other hand I want my daughter to go to a good school, feel a bit stuck and need some neutral opinions please!

OP posts:
Irishpoppy · 03/05/2025 16:13

Your mum is not a safe person and I would not trust her to be around my daughter at all. Your daughter is better off going to a ‘less’ good school than living with someone who is (let’s face it) unhinged.

Sassybooklover · 03/05/2025 16:17

Do not under any circumstances move in with your Mum. She's putting pressure on you to move, using the school situation as leverage and all the while knowing your partner is recently self-employed. How old is your daughter? You mention she's a toddler, so when would she be starting school? When did your partner start being self-employed? Usually someone has to be self-employed for 2 years before they can have a mortgage. Would that timeframe fit in with your daughter starting school? You'd need to move before you can apply or at the very least have a letter from a solicitor to say a sale on your new property is going through. Your Mum's outburst is quite honestly dreadful, and to do it in front of your daughter was even more so. Can I ask why you didn't feel comfortable with your Mum taking your daughter to the party without you? What were you worried about? Saying you felt uncomfortable not being there, is a statement, not a reason. Uncomfortable about what?? I'm not dismissing your feelings, but if you can't give a tangible reason, then it's possible your Mum saw you as being bloody minded or awkward. No, it doesn't excuse her outburst, but could she have been overwhelmingly frustrated with you for not giving her a proper reason? Yes, your toddler is your daughter and it's down to you where she goes and who with, but this person is your Mum, who you presumably trust, not a random person. Regardless, your Mum owes you an apology. You need to reduce her 'hold' over you, reduce what she does for you and pay back the £15K as soon as you move, if not before. Her helping you, doesn't give her rights over your life.

Vaxtable · 03/05/2025 16:18

So not well and move in with your mother. You were setting boundaries and your mother needs to understand that

Either move in your own or stay and see what the schools are like. Then look to move in a couple of years if necessary

TurkeyLurkey4 · 03/05/2025 16:18

Her behaviour is selfish, manipulative and abusive. For her to behave like that at all is beyond unacceptable. To do it in front of your daughter and scare her like that is so selfish and damaging. Set clear boundaries, distance yourself and hold firm. I would worry if you move in or move closer to her, her behaviour will become even worse. She’s your child and your mother should respect your answer. Im sorry you’ve been through such a horrible scene.

Shadowsunray · 03/05/2025 16:19

Don't move in with her. It really doesn't sound like she is a good person to have around your daughter all the time. It's concerning that she didn't reign in her behaviour when she was clearly upsetting your daughter.

SyntacticalVortex · 03/05/2025 16:20

Do not move in with her. It would be a nightmare. Also, when you can afford to move, go further away not closer to her. There will be good schools in a different direction.

As ever, the rights and wrongs of why you didn't want her to take DD to the party are not important. What matters is how someone reacts to being told no. She could have accepted it gracefully and gone alone, said "well that's annoying I wanted to show DGC off to auntie X" and gone, or suggested coming in for tea and a chat/ playing with DGC for a bit. Any of those could have been reasonable. Screaming insults in your face is not remotely a reasonable reaction, she is unhinged and if I were you would ensure I most definitely wouldn't say yes in the future to her having my DC alone

thepariscrimefiles · 03/05/2025 16:23

Do not sell your house and do not move in with her. Her 'gifts' come with unacceptable strings attached. Her behaviour was completely unhinged. What normal grandmother would call her daughter a 'selfish cunt' in fron of her grandchild who was scared by her behaviour? Take a step back and stop relying on her.

Snorlaxo · 03/05/2025 16:25

Wake up OP.

The help that she offers you isn’t unconditional and if you move in with her, it will bite you in the arse later. She’ll either kick you out or use it as leverage to get her way later. As hard as it is, you need to do things on your own and not accept help from her because it’s a trap with a cost that is payable later.

GabriellaMontez · 03/05/2025 16:25

The 15k is irrelevant.

It's not bought her access to your dc.

She has no entitlement to take her to the party.

Her behaviour is disgusting. Has this happened before ? Was she unwell? Drunk?

I'd reconsider the relationship and definitely don't move in with her.

Williamson09 · 03/05/2025 16:28

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Abend · 03/05/2025 16:28

Don't move/sell your house until you're ready.
Don't let her take your child anywhere you don't feel comfortable with.
Is there any way you could pay her 15K back sooner?

Cerialkiller · 03/05/2025 16:29

Is she telling you to move so she gets her money back? Did she (on some level) lend you the money so that she had leverage over you?

It's batshit of her to tell you to sell and move into rented, what decent parent would do that? Does she have a history or trying to destabilise you and hinder your progress in life?

Did she complain about you moving out of her home the first time, getting married, moving in with a boyfriend? If so she is clearly having trouble relinquishing the parental role and wanting to still treat you as a child she can control.

katkintreats · 03/05/2025 16:29

The whole situation sounds extremely odd.

Strange that you don’t trust your mother with your toddler, and yet you are considering living with her.

Strange that she got SO upset about it. Does she feel you are possessive of your daughter and don’t allow her any uninterrupted time with her? Is there a weird dynamic going on with another family member at this party whereby your mother wanted to ‘show off’ your daughter / her grandparenting?

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 03/05/2025 16:29

Christ OP. Cancel the sale immediately and don’t move in with her. She sounds unhinged and she’s clearly lent you the money to have some sort of hold over you. Selling a house to rent is a backward step. If you want to get out of her debt could you sell on for a profit and move to something cheaper to pay her back ? Or extend the mortgage to cover the loan ?

Williamson09 · 03/05/2025 16:29

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Trallers · 03/05/2025 16:29

The school she goes to will have far less impact on her life than having a relaxed and peaceful home with a happy mum will. Think how tense and atressful home will if you're tip-toeing around these sort of behaviours. Thank your lucky stars for a warning before enough went ahead with it.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 03/05/2025 16:30

Do not move in with her - a ‘good’ school is not the be all and end all. Plenty of kids do well in life after going to an average school. And you can always move house and schools at a later stage if you are able to and want to. Don’t sacrifice a happy home life for a school - you can do lots to support your children’s education even if their school isn’t that great.

diddl · 03/05/2025 16:32

Move in with someone who shouts at you & calls you a cunt?

That's a definite no!

I'd look to paying the money back but keeping the house if possible.

Channellingsophistication · 03/05/2025 16:32

Thats truly shocking. I'd disown her frankly. Speaking like that to you in front if your child is unforgiveable

tinyspiny · 03/05/2025 16:32

Do not move in with her , I’d be looking for a way of paying her back the 15k as she obviously thinks that gives her sway over you . You do not have to share your child with her , there is no give and take . If your daughter is a toddler stop worrying about schools at this moment

Toddlerteaplease · 03/05/2025 16:34

Do not sell your house!

honeybeetheoneandonly · 03/05/2025 16:34

It was lucky this happened before the point of no return and you have the chance to make an informed decision on moving in together now.
I would also have to call/text my mum and ask what on earth this was about. If you are not happy with BeDearCub going anywhere then BeDearCub isn't going anywhere. Understandably, she may be annoyed about that but her reaction was out of proportion.

Viviennemary · 03/05/2025 16:35

Repay the money. I think it's odd you don't trust your mum enough to let her take your toddler to a party but would move in with her. She probably feels she is being used. But if you feel like this you can't move in with your Mum.

socks1107 · 03/05/2025 16:36

Do not move in with her. You would make a huge mistake.
stay where you are and keep her at arms length until she deals with her entitlement to your dd.

AnonWho23 · 03/05/2025 16:37

She wants you to move in with her for better schools. I'd sacrifice the better school for a better home life every day of the week. Her standing on the doorstep screaming, shouting, calling you a cunt, and scaring your kid tells you everything you need to know. Your homelife with your mum will be horrific, traumatic and abusive for you and your child. Personally, I'd go no contact. She's your mother but that doesn't give her the right to abuse you when she doesn't get her own way.