Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

[FoodLover22]

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being

The first part I understand. Why you decided to add the second part is beyond me. PP are correct. You are nasty to him. I couldn't continue a relationship after this. Sometimes "sorry" just isn't enough.

She did and he wouldn't accept it

What should she do now?

Unforgivable of you.
He is obviously struggling with what you said. You've got to be prepared for him to leave you I suspect 🙈

Try again.

What she said was pretty disgusting. Basically, she’s imagined his friend forcing himself on her. Not sure there’s any coming back from that.

So you’ve been fantasizing about your H’s friend, the only mistake you made was to tell him! You started this & you could be waiting a long time for an apology.

This cannot be real, no one can be this clueless.

This isn’t a case of ‘clumsy wording’.

You can’t hurt someone then demand they accept your apology because they love you. Some things are hard to come back from, and he’s communicated to you that this is one of those things for him.

He’s reeling and trying to process what’s happened and/or whether he wants to stay in the relationship or not. He’s not ‘dragging it out’ because he’s not getting over it according to your preferred schedule.

prepare herself for a break up?

Op , please don't beat yourself up anymore you said sorry and explained you didn't mean it, I understand he might still need time to get over it but there's zero excuse for treating you badly. You made a mistake and unless he plans on leaving you over it then you would appreciate some forgiveness especially because you spoke clumsy as you said rather you revealing this big truth he can't forget.

Your husband won't have wanted to hear you want to bang his best mate.

Wow... but your version is made up. You don't know better then op. She said it was clumsy and not meant the way it came out. Ppl can mis speak even if there's no logical explanation. They were also drunk. Seriously calm down.

You still seem to be minimising what you said and maximising his response to what you created.

I don’t see this is easy to resolve from his point of view frankly.

You caused all of this and are now experiencing the fallout. It’s astonishing that you actually feel hurt and angry at his response. Yes his response was aimed to hurt you but you threw a grenade into your relationship and can’t seem to fathom the damage you’ve caused.

You don’t seem that sorry but more focused on what he retaliated with.

Honestly there’s a lot of work to recover from this.

Holy shit. Your comment was horrific. I can see why he retaliated that way. Was he right! No. But I would have been heartbroken had you said to me what you said to him.

An apology is not an apology if you’re not actually sorry.

But it’s ok to say… ‘I bet Jason could give me a right good seeing to whilst I’m on all fours, not like you ya big drip!’

You’re delusional and minimising what you said.

You started it by bringing his friend into the equation. Whether you meant it in that way or not I see why he is hurt and upset.

Imagine if he had said I wish you would initiate things and be a bit more forceful, I'm sure your friend would do x y z you would be hurt, embarrassed, thinking he had a thing for her probably.

You can't really take offence from what he said as he was saying it to hurt you and see how you liked him talking about your friend in that way - which clearly you didn't

I wouldn't accept your apology either.

You are both in the wrong - but arguably, bringing up a friend of his in an example of "what he could do better" is a pretty low blow. If he'd said something like that about a female friend of yours in a similar context, you'd be rightly fuming.
His comment was pure retaliation, but I can absolutely see why.

Exactly this !!

@InALonelyWorld no idea why that came out blurrier then an eye test. Sorry!

It doesn't matter whether she meant it that way. It's extremely annoying when people try to row back things they said by claiming they didn't mean it, as though that absolves them of any consequences. She said it and whatever she meant or didn't mean doesn't matter - she has to own it.

You did that first though?

Because he was trying to hurt you like you’d hurt him.

edited. Which absolutely isn’t ok. But I bet he wouldn’t have said it to you if you hand mentioned his friend first. I mean like a 4 yr old and it’s not ok what he said. But I don’t think he meant it

neither did you. But it’s a classic case of him wanting you to feel like he did

OP, your opening post has made me laugh out loud. Fxxk.
What were you thinking?
Men have such fragile egos regarding sex and their performance.
His comment back is hilarious, but obviously was lashing out and hitting you with a bit of his own honesty.

Take space, leave him alone to stew and recover from his hangover.

Don't keep apologising, you have twice already.
He either accepts it or you are done.

If you keep apologising you are going to sound guilty, rather than just a bit foot in mouth!

Arrange to meet a friend if you can.
Hope you feel better soon.

Don't keep apologising, you have twice already. He either accepts it or you are done.

She said she apologised, but I would be interested in what she actually said. Because it's been very clear in her comments since that she doesn't think she's done anything wrong and that he's in the wrong again for not instantly forgiving her.