Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

[FoodLover22]

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

You’ve apologised but every update shows how not-sorry you are, that you’ve only said sorry to end the argument & return to the status quo. It’s feeble about how ‘what he said was worse’ due to some weird unspoken rule you’ve made up that it’s unforgivable to state another female is more attractive than you, when you’ve speculated to his face that you think another man would better meet your standards in bed! If you’re going to double down it’s not right to apologise if you don’t really think you’re wrong & I don’t think this is a case of ‘you’re as bad as each other’ because you did start this & couldn’t handle it when he’s clapped back.

Oof, both are pretty bad. I hope you can both apologise and make up. I don't drink anymore, partly because it has effects like this. Maybe you and your husband can find another activity to do together to unwind? My husband and I watch funny stuff like Rifftrax, Red Letter Media, Limmy's Show, Burnistoun, A Touch of Cloth, Mitchell and Webb, and listen to old Ricky Gervais show podcasts and the Valley Heat podcast. We laugh so much, it's great.

Ouch, I don’t know how you come back from that.

He said this to hurt you because your comment was very hurtful too.

Hes allowed to still be feeling hurt by what you said. Just because you’ve said sorry doesn’t make it go away automatically.

What you should be doing is telling him you understand that he’s still hurt and you’re willing to accept that it will take time to get over this and ask him how you can help. Not be argumentative.

You are in the wrong. He's probably never thought about your friend in that way but was casting around for something to hurt you with after your awful comment. Apologise, hope he does too and move on.

Nah. Your mistaken ... Somebody can be hurt/offended/angry without bringing in a 4th person into it

He could have sulked, pulled his bullshit & refused to have her around his mate as he "doesn't trust her" while she grovelled for forgiveness but he absolutely had no right to make comments about her friends arse or how he/they could do it doggy style.

I think she probably has form for coming out with nasty, sly, passive aggressive comments and then tries to minimise them

Her partner (and others) has probably been at the receiving end of her nasty tongue before and is now reviewing the whole relationship in his head…..which she is writing off as sulking

I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid

😱
FFS, man. Then you're surprised he's hurt and retaliates by saying something along the same lines to see how you like it?!.

What you said was awful. What you said was worse. You should apologise first.

Let’s put the shoe on the other foot @FoodLover22.

Say DP drunkenly said to you last night “I wish you were a bit more impulsive and demonstrative during sex. Like Sally for instance, I bet she’s wild in the sack!” How would you feel in the moment? Might you come back with something like “well I bet Adam is hung like a horse!”

Then how would you be feeling this morning? You’re seeing Sally tomorrow and all you can think about is that DP has thought about how good in bed she is and how he wishes you were more like her. Not only that, DP is now annoyed with you because you need some time to think about what he said and how you feel about it. But it’s sunny and DP just wants you to be over it already.

Would you be okay with this?

Eesh that's gonna be one awkward meet up!

You can't see it, can you ? You started the argument by saying something you've obviously thought of , he retaliated by saying something to hurt you .

What you said was far worse, and if you carry on always thinking you're right,and not seeing anyone else's point of view , I don't see a future for you both .

PPs are right, he should leave you. You're abusive. You've given no thought to how he might feel and you're now angry with him again as he didn't respond to your apology (instructions to move on) how you wanted him to.

If my husband said what you said he’d be out on the street. Consider yourself lucky you’ve found a man who will tolerate you

I'm not mistaken, this is completely a case of an eye for an eye. It's pretty bias of you to slate him based on his comments but in return say she was complimenting his friend for worse derogatory comments. By your own statement he could have simply been "complimenting" her friends arse.

Also she hardly grovelled going off her updates. You can't grovel, nor sincerely apologise when you dont believe you've done anything wrong and continue to stand by that stance. If anything she's doubling down on blaming him, so i don't know where you got the grovelling from.

Although I do agree that he didn't need to make the retaliating comment but it's not the crime of the century or uncommon to respond to hurt with hurt. Both were wrong yes, but one (her) was way worse than the other.

30 people agree with you but 1,500 don’t. On a forum with mostly women doesn’t that tell you that you were completely out of order? Yes he retaliated and would be in a stronger position if he hadn’t, but frankly you deserved it.

How long have you been together? Do you live together? Do you have kids? Because I’m really not sure he’s ever going to get past this and you might well be hurtling towards singledom.

😂😂😂
ODFOD

Maybe like you, he said it clumsily and didn't mean anything by it 🙃

How do you just "quash" that though?
I understand where you're coming from in that you don't like arguments to carry on, and fester as I'm the same.
I don't see how he's going to get past what you've said to be honest - no wonder he won't feel comfortable with you going along to meet his friend too when you've drunkenly told him that you think friend will be great doing what you want in bed!!

The more you post the more you are showing your true awful colours.

Doesn't matter ?? This wasn't an eye for an eye situation. They never agreed they could insult each others friends if angry or the other said it first. They are now equally hurt over different comments aswell so neither side has come out on top of better then the other

Also I didn't say she had grovelled I said he could have let her grovel but instead choose to bring somebody else into it in a sexually demeaning manner to teach her lesson.

All in all. I stand by my comment & suggest you look up the saying "an eye for an eye makes the world go blind"

You said what you wanted in bed and basically said that you thought his mate would be great at it.
How do you think that comes across?!
Like you've thought about shagging his mate.
Would you have been ok if the boot was on the other foot and he'd said what he wanted and that he thought your mate Jane would be great at it?!

Are you serious?? 😱

The two things don’t even remotely compare! The OP was utterly appalling in her comments…she literally told her husband that his mate was probably better in bed than him! Whereas he just retaliated out of utter humiliation.

You are so deluded.

If your husband had been sober he may not have retaliated in such a way but you essentially said he wasn’t meeting your needs in bed and that you imagine one of his mates (and which one specifically) would be better able to do it….
That kind of comment suggests you have imagined how his friend is, what it may be like which to anyone (drunk or sober) would be really hurtful.
There is no way he would have commented about your friend if you hadn’t said what you had, and there is no unwritten rule about comparing women especially when you have no problem comparing your DP to his bestie. I say two key things to my kids that you may need to take onboard

1. don’t dish it out if you don’t want someone to serve it back
2. saying sorry (and it doesn’t like you are really) doesn’t make the hurt any less for the person you’ve offended/hurt and someone doesn’t have to accept your apology if they don’t want to.

No one is overlooking him objectifying your friend. We just think what you did was far worse and horrondous. I would never sleep with my husband again if he had said what you did. You are not acting sorry one bit tbh by keep trying to justify yourself and also bringing up what he said AFTER you said one of the worst things I could possibly imagine a person saying to their partner. Its going to take a lot of grovelling for your relationship to survive and if your partner forgives you I’d think he was a bit of a fool because he is probably always going to think you fancy his mate!