Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

[FoodLover22]

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

It's not him who's being the pathetic one.
You sound nasty.
He's hurt. Not "sulking and ruining your weekend."
🙄

An eye for an eye" is an idiom referring to the concept of retaliation or punishment where the severity of the punishment matches the crime committed. This principle, often associated with revenge, suggests that if someone harms you, you should harm them back in the same way.

I stand by my own comment.

You are so completely out of order here and the fact that you think he is equally out of order if crazy. What you said was horrendous, the only reason he said what he did was in retaliation because he was hurt. He likely would never have said anything about your friend if you hadn’t made that horrible comment.

not trusting you around his friend anymore isn’t nonsense… I absolutely wouldn’t be socialising with you and him either. How can you not see that?

And he’s not ruining your weekend… YOU have ruined both of your weekends with your nasty comments. Why don’t you just go and leave him along for the weekend? Let him socialise with his friends and speak about the argument next week. However, I would absolutely be breaking up with you over this comment, and your subsequent behaviour. so don’t be surprised if the relationship comes to an end.

I’m not sure why you have to call him names because he’s not responding the way you want. You still want to be ‘right’ and want to position yourself as the one who has been ‘wronged’- first by what you deem as a worse comment than the one you made and now by him not responding the way you want. This is a really unhealthy dynamic and whilst at some point you both might move on from this there isn’t any real resolution as the way you speak to and of him is disrespectful on every level. I hope things work out for you both but there is a lot to unpack here.

Why did you post, especially on AIBU, if you are simply going to ignore everything everyone says and continue madly insisting that he is somehow the one in the wrong?

My take on it, which you will no doubt ignore with all the rest, is that there is no true coming back from this. He may tell you in time that he has accepted your apology, he may even believe it himself, but the damage will never go away.

And calling a man "pathetic" for being immensely hurt by being compared unfavourably to an imagined sexual encounter with his friend is just another level.

Seems to me you’d both be better off laying off the booze a bit…

Well you gave it so you had to take it.
He was rightly hurt by you mentioning the friend, and clearly said what he did to get back at you. He probably doesn't even think that.

But frankly you started it, and to just claim it was innocent fun from your side but his comments were unacceptable to you isn't really fair.

Just apologise and move on. And don't mention his friends when talking about your sex life!

Your replies are so telling, it's all about you and what you like/feel.

Sorry, you don't get to be a dick then complain that he's dragging things out unnecessarily because he hasn't jumped to forgive you. If he doesn't know he can come back from this, that's completely valid.

So is being uncomfortable socialising with you and the man you told him he should be more like in bed. What a horrible position to put him in.

You seem to think that what he said was worse but I don't agree. Preferring someone else's personality sexually is just as hurtful (if not more so) than a physical attribute. And he said it in response to your rude comment, not out of the blue like you did.

You were drunk, lost control of your gob and you started it. Aplogise and hope he accepts.

Because you didn't suggest that you cared about him objectifying your friend until someone gave you an easy out. You thought he was horrible for bringing looks into it because that hurt your feelings... despite minimising how you've hurt his feelings at every opportunity.

Yes, objectifying your friend was unpleasant. But far more understandable to do it in anger after your partner has told you you're inadequate and she wishes you were more like your friend than your off the cuff remark.

You really really hurt him with your comment. Whether you meant to or not.

What he said after that was because he was hurt. He reacted.

The way you make light of it makes me think you don’t accept how hurtful your comment was.

I think he was personally in the right to give as good as he got! What you said to him was really cruel and unnecessary so you deserve his comment back.

I'm not sure there's anything anybody on this thread can say that will convince the OP she's in the wrong

You can dish it out but you can't take it.

No OP. You were worse. You started it. You’re the one that brought sex with friends into it. You were the mean one and he retaliated. You can’t act the victim because he bruised your ego, when you hurt him first.

Erm you sound really mean

You both said something ridiculously unpleasant. You seem to have said it without provocation and then he said something awful in retaliation, so actually I think you were worse. Unless what you said was provoked.

Id be extremely hurt if I was your husband hearing that. His comments were probably meaningless and a retaliation after being butt hurt. I hope you haven't left each other with jealousy issues on the people you mentioned. You best just apologize and let this one go if you both can.

You were a twat and he retaliated in kind.

You both were but you were worse. You started it and are now complaining that he responded in kind.

Op your like a skunk dont like it when the wind changes and it comes right back at you.
Dont dish out if you cant take it back.
You sound like its your way or no way.

Edited to add = op i think you are now making things up just to get people on your side very childish.

Exactly, it will have had the opposite effect and will possibly be all he can think of when he is ‘performing’

She did, but he's understandably still upset so she's accusing him on here of sulking and being pathetic.