To not want to go to my brothers party?

Cheekandtongue · 2025-05-02T14:33:06+00:00

My brother is having a 30th birthday party next weekend. I live in greater manchester and the party is an hour away because that’s where he lives. I said at first that I would go even though I felt uneasy about it inside. Now that it’s getting closer to the date I really want to say I can’t make it. I have two cats and I don’t want to leave them alone, I don’t have anyone at all who can look after them and it means I would have to get a taxi there and back, which I can’t afford. Or drive there, stay with my parents or brother, and drive back the day after. But I can’t leave my cats that long, I don’t want to leave them over night. I feel anxious about telling him because it sounds like a pathetic reason but I’m not going to enjoy the evening because I’m going to be worrying all night. Please tell me if it would make me unreasonable to not go?

andweallloveclover · 02/05/2025 15:37

Why can’t you drive over, attend the party for a few hours then drive back the same night? Am I missing something?

Hiddenbump · 02/05/2025 15:38

Hi OP could you drive there not drink and then drive back so they aren't alone overnight? Alternatively could you book them into a cattery for the night? I think if the relationship with your family is generally good then you should try to go, I'm a animal lover too but missing a milestone birthday because of your cats does seem a little unreasonable. Is there perhaps an underlying reason why you don't want to go and the cats are just an excuse.

Pandimoanymum · 02/05/2025 15:39

Well, I voted YANBU because you can't help how you feel, but at the same time I think your anxiety over leaving cats for one night is a bit OTT. I have two much loved cats and I have one of those automatic feeders for use when I have to be away for a night or two. You put enough food in for the time you'll be away, set the timers and the feeder just uncovers the food at the time you set. They're brilliant, what about something like that?

BishBashBoomer · 02/05/2025 15:39

But… they are cats.

EllasNonny · 02/05/2025 15:40

It's not far. I'd drive both ways and stay a few hours.

MadeleineAllbright · 02/05/2025 15:40

OP, it sounds like you just don’t want to go to the party and are looking for an excuse to get out of it - and that’s what your parents/brother will hear too.

An hour’s travel is really no big deal. You could feed your cats slightly early that afternoon and travel to your parents, and then leave by 6am the next morning and feed them their breakfast at 7am. As long as they have food and water, cats are absolutely fine being left by themselves - people get cats because they’re not home enough to have a dog.

It seems like you have anxiety about social situations and don’t want to go for that reason. So just be honest with your family.

Original poster

Cheekandtongue · 02/05/2025 15:41

Sorry I have really bad anxiety issues and I don’t like driving alone at night. I suppose if it is still light enough I would be ok but seems like a waste of petrol to just drive an hour away for a couple of hours just to drive another hour home

OP posts:

MadeleineAllbright · 02/05/2025 15:43

Cheekandtongue · 02/05/2025 15:41

Sorry I have really bad anxiety issues and I don’t like driving alone at night. I suppose if it is still light enough I would be ok but seems like a waste of petrol to just drive an hour away for a couple of hours just to drive another hour home

Head over there about 4pm on the day of the party, and then leave at 6am the next morning to drive home. We’re only 6 weeks off from the longest day of the year - you won’t be driving in darkness at all.

And ‘a waste of petrol’ to drive 1 hour each way to see your family and celebrate your brother? That’s your worst excuse yet, and pretty insulting to your family, so I suggest you don’t bring that one up.

CopperWhite · 02/05/2025 15:43

The cats are a pathetic reason. Social anxiety is a valid reason, but it’s worth pushing yourself. You will have family there and it will be important for your brother. I’d drive then you can leave when you want. It’s a bit mean to say your brothers birthday is a waste of petrol.

doodleschnoodle · 02/05/2025 15:44

It’s not a waste of petrol if it’s going to an important family occasion though? To see your brother on his birthday and join in a family event?

I would stop with bogus excuses (not being able to leave cats, a waste of petrol) and be honest about what’s going on.

Pandimoanymum · 02/05/2025 15:44

Ah, so it's not really just about the cats then, it's anxiety around other things related to the event. Well, I think it would probably be better to be honest with your brother and just say that it's too much for you/overwhelming/whatever because of your anxiety. Making it about leaving the cats sounds a bit daft, whereas they "should" be more understanding if it's because of somethung they know you suffer with.
EDITED to add that I have suffered badly with anxiety around social events for years, so I do understand what it's like, but I still think it's better to be upfront about what's really stopping you, than make implausible excuses. I've done that myself in the past and realised it doesn't work.

MadeleineAllbright · 02/05/2025 15:44

OP - it sounds like you’re in a very bad place mentally at the moment, and that’s the reason you don’t want to go. Your family will see through any of the excuses you’ve posted here - they’re all extremely obvious. Just be honest about your mental state with your family. It sounds like you need their support.

andweallloveclover · 02/05/2025 15:44

Cheekandtongue · 02/05/2025 15:41

Sorry I have really bad anxiety issues and I don’t like driving alone at night. I suppose if it is still light enough I would be ok but seems like a waste of petrol to just drive an hour away for a couple of hours just to drive another hour home

A waste of petrol to drive an hour and back to spend time with your Brother on his 30th Birthday. Really? Do you not like him much? I don’t think that’s much at all. Sounds like you are just making excuses not to go.

aCatCalledFawkes · 02/05/2025 15:45

There are lots of small animal pet sitters round me, you pay a small fee for them to feed your cats in the evening and let them out in the morning. Mine also looks after my house, brings in the post etc while we are on longer trips which gives me peace of mind. You do need to make sure they are legit and also insured.
Is that an option as it would be a lot cheaper and mean you could worry less?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 02/05/2025 15:45

You are being so unreasonable I can't quite believe what I am reading!

An hour is absolutely nothing and the whole point of having cats rather than dogs is that you CAN leave them.
If I was your brother and you didn't come to my birthday because of your cats, I'd be so hurt!!!

BadSkiingMum · 02/05/2025 15:47

This is your brother. Do you really want to miss this milestone?

I am a bit further on in life and can tell you that these significant family events start to dwindle away before you know it. Or rather, they get replaced by funerals and then people really do start to go their separate ways.

He will probably say it’s fine, but at the end of the day you won’t be there.

doodleschnoodle · 02/05/2025 15:47

And personally I think occasions like this are ones where you just get on with it. Sometimes I think this kind of focus on ‘self care’ or never doing something you don’t want to means that it’s too easy for people to stop pushing themselves slightly out of their comfort zones and use excuses. Maybe you will be a bit anxious, but it’s a couple of hours. Maybe you’ll have a good time. Maybe your family will be so happy you’ve made the effort that it will make you happy. Maybe you’ll feel proud of yourself after. Sometimes I don’t want to go places or do things but sometimes it’s important to other people that I care about that I do so.

toomuchfaff · 02/05/2025 15:47

Cheekandtongue · 02/05/2025 15:41

Sorry I have really bad anxiety issues and I don’t like driving alone at night. I suppose if it is still light enough I would be ok but seems like a waste of petrol to just drive an hour away for a couple of hours just to drive another hour home

Waste of petrol? That's a bit harsh.

Seems the crux is that you don't want to go. Don't blame the cats.

You can leave the cats alone for the night no issue. Food and water and a cat litter tray, they will be none the wiser.

Miyagi99 · 02/05/2025 15:48

Wouldn’t your cats be sleeping overnight? I often leave mine with food, water and litter and just make sure I’m back in the morning.

CountryQueen · 02/05/2025 15:49

They’re bloody cats ffs. If you want to stick two fingers up to your family then yeah, go ahead. Alternatively explain to your parents that you’re looking forward to it but a bit nervous about socialising and could they please stay with you at first while you get into the swing of it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/05/2025 15:52

If you’re socially anxious, could you ask him if you could bring a friend along? Then you’ll have them to talk to, as well as family members who you’re presumably comfortable around. Drive, do a bit of light mingling, return home.

Ultimately this is how many people end up lonely and isolated: if you sack off key events like this, people begin to think that you just can’t be bothered with them or are lazy, and that upsets and offends them. They stop bothering to include you or keep in contact, and you end up with the cold shoulder at every turn. I imagine you’d be hurt if somebody you cared about said you were a waste of petrol?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2025 15:53

Do you like your brother?

DenholmElliot11 · 02/05/2025 15:53

Cheekandtongue · 02/05/2025 15:41

Sorry I have really bad anxiety issues and I don’t like driving alone at night. I suppose if it is still light enough I would be ok but seems like a waste of petrol to just drive an hour away for a couple of hours just to drive another hour home

A waste of petrol! Thats an awful thing to say.

go celebrate your brothers birthday for a couple of hours for goodness sake.

TheGreyQuail · 02/05/2025 15:55

I sort of get what you are saying OP, but using the cats as an excuse isn't really on is it?
I have two indoor guinea pigs and once every three mnoths we travel to the mainland to visit family over night. I get worried about them as there is noone to look after them. We are away about 30 hours.They have an extra full hay rack, an extra water bottle [large], piggie museli and two baked nibble sticks.
When we come back, they are either sleeping or eatting. with the look 'have you been somewhere'? Always excited for a salad treat though.
Social anxiety is crippling but I think you really should try to make the effort though.

Ponderingwindow · 02/05/2025 15:59

Me: I hate parties. I have severe social anxiety. I am autistic. I don’t like driving. I especially don’t like driving at night. I have cats.

Bonus, I have severe allergies that are often triggered simply by being around other people which makes attending events extra “fun”.

a big 30th birthday party is my idea of hell.

You should go to the party. Even if you just go for an hour.

Your cats can be left alone for a few hours, overnight, for 24 hours, or even at a push for 48 hours. They are cats. Leave them a big bowl of food and at least 2 water dishes in case one spills, plus a fresh litter tray and they will be fine. You can bring them back a treat and a new toy when you come back if you want.

This is a time in your life when you have the freedom to strengthen the bond with your sibling. Take advantage of this time. Life will get more complicated as you get older.

schedule yourself a day off after you return to rest and recover mentally. Since you know the outing is going to cause you stress, build in some time for self care after.