To not want to go to my brothers party?

[Cheekandtongue]

My brother is having a 30th birthday party next weekend. I live in greater manchester and the party is an hour away because that’s where he lives. I said at first that I would go even though I felt uneasy about it inside. Now that it’s getting closer to the date I really want to say I can’t make it. I have two cats and I don’t want to leave them alone, I don’t have anyone at all who can look after them and it means I would have to get a taxi there and back, which I can’t afford. Or drive there, stay with my parents or brother, and drive back the day after. But I can’t leave my cats that long, I don’t want to leave them over night. I feel anxious about telling him because it sounds like a pathetic reason but I’m not going to enjoy the evening because I’m going to be worrying all night. Please tell me if it would make me unreasonable to not go?

Just don't go. Tell him that it's too difficult for you to go. Apologise, be polite but friendly, and tell him soon. There's no point in fretting about it or making excuses. Just don't go.

This.

If you don't want to go then don't. However do not be surprised if your relationship with your brother suffers To maintain sibling or indeed any relationship requires effort He's extended an invite to you.

You could put your cats in a cattery, ask your parents if you can take them to their home so you are not away from them overnight.

I would make getting help for your anxiety an absolute priority.

YANBU
Do you never leave the house? Work?
What if you had to attend hospital would you not go?
You think it's a waste to drive? I don't really understand why you said yes.
Your "reasons" sound very unreasonable. Is it anxiety / cats / petrol wastage?

Don’t want to waste the petrol

wow. That’s harsh for a brother I assume you love , let alone seeing rest of family

cats are fine to be left alone for the odd night

auto feeder or big bowls left of food and water

or you pay a cat sitter about £10 to pop in

are you saying you don’t have a single friend , neighbour or work colleague who could pop in to feed cats

that’s a lonely life 😢

anxiety is hard and crippling but don’t let it ruin your life

I’ve driven 3hrs each way before on same day to see friends for lunch /family party for 2/3hrs

a tiring day but worth it

agree chat to doc about how you feel

but go to the party. Cats will be fine

Absolutely agree

Get a pop up feeder for the cats. They would be fine for 24 hours but you don't even need to be away that long.

I’m with you on night driving OP. Hopefully your brother also understands.

Dusk is due about 9.30 next week, a tiny bit later if it’s a nice day, so if you aim to be home by around that time, would that work for you?
You could just be with him for an hour or so or just long enough to deliver a token gift and card. At least you will have made the effort to give him a hug and wish him well for his party. Or ask him if he minds meeting you half way earlier in the day if you really can’t face it. Please don’t keep him in the dark about your anxiety issues, let him understand and help if he can.

By the way, I also completely understand your reluctance to leave your pets. I hated having to leave my cat overnight when she was old and sick, as she didn’t eat dried food so I couldn’t use one of the timed feeders. I used to get a friend to stay overnight but it was always a hassle. Now she’s gone, I’m so glad I didn’t ever neglect her needs. It can be a conflict but sometimes, family has to come first if you can possibly somehow manage it. Always best to try.

Have you seen anyone about your anxiety?

Can you say to your brother you’re not a mega party person, and offer to help him set up the party? Bring a great card and a small present and write a meaningful note in the card. Spend some time helping before people arrive. Then you could make an earlier exit at least?

If you don’t want to go then don’t go. But the cat reason is not relevant they are cats they won’t give a damn. It’s literally an hour away- I take my daughter gymnastics twice a week 45 mins away.

@Cheekandtongue you absolutely CAN leave your cats overnight . Fresh food and biscuits , water and away you go.

How do you manage to go to work?
Why can't you leave your cats?
Do you ever have a day away because presumably you never go on holiday?importantly, it's your brother and you've made a commitment. Leaving your cats is no excuse to renege on this

Sorry OP, but if I was your brother I would be so upset. Go over and back in one day, it’s only an hour..

Do you want to go to the party or would you rather stay at home?

Sadly, if you think events, even a family one, is a waste of time and petrol you are in danger of alienating yourself and becoming very lonely

YABU
Cats can sleep for 19h a day and will be fine without you for a few hours.
its sending a really hurtful message to your sibling and it’s not about you. A birthday is about showing up for someone else and making them feel happy, loved and valued.

it’s really mean to say it’s a waste of petrol and very selfish. I hope you don’t need ‘a village’ one day because this isn’t how you get one! If your anxiety is this severe it’s tipping to not reasonable isn’t it, eg feeling so anxious you won’t travel for an hour, so affecting your life and relationships. So probs need to get some therapy etc to help find balance again.

unless there’s a huge backstory where he treated you badly etc then I think it’s pretty poor to make no effort for your own brother and use cats as an excuse. You know people can see through excuses like that!

She has bad anxiety. That is not an excuse it’s a reason. Perhaps try some advice rather than just bashing her?

Sorry, it sounds pathetic because it is pathetic.

I wouldn’t get over this if I were your brother.

Just drive there, I drive an hour each way for work FFA. Do you think people with cats can’t get away for a few hours?

She knows.

Are you always this unpleasant?

I think you need to explain to your brother you’re feeling really anxious. The practical advice you’ve been given about automatic cat feeders and times for leaving etc won’t stop your anxiety. I hope your family can support you and that you can access some good mental health support

If I was your brother I’d be really upset and long term you will distance yourself from your family

you need to seek help at your GP for your anxiety.

in the mean time you drive over in the afternoon in plenty of daylight and stay over and drive home in the light, the cats will be fine.

that or you get the train/bus or a taxi.

what you don’t do is not go or list non excuses

It was cats now it’s petrol. You don’t want to go