To not want to go to my brothers party?

[Cheekandtongue]

My brother is having a 30th birthday party next weekend. I live in greater manchester and the party is an hour away because that’s where he lives. I said at first that I would go even though I felt uneasy about it inside. Now that it’s getting closer to the date I really want to say I can’t make it. I have two cats and I don’t want to leave them alone, I don’t have anyone at all who can look after them and it means I would have to get a taxi there and back, which I can’t afford. Or drive there, stay with my parents or brother, and drive back the day after. But I can’t leave my cats that long, I don’t want to leave them over night. I feel anxious about telling him because it sounds like a pathetic reason but I’m not going to enjoy the evening because I’m going to be worrying all night. Please tell me if it would make me unreasonable to not go?

Op how would it feel to tell your brother the stress you are feeling and pressure (I am sure your family are already aware) and perhaps go for an hour at the beginning as a compromise? You always have the option to stay later if you are enjoying it or even leave earlier. Showing up is important, but let them know you can’t stay for long. They will appreciate the gesture. Ensure your buy or make a lovely
gift too.

You could also ask for anti anxiety medication for just a day or two, they work very well.

Wtf? 🤣

You will have to think of a better reason to tell him why you’re not attending

She also said that if she drove over and back in the light that she would be okay. She is using the waste of petrol as an excuse. Saying its a waste of petrol to go and drive an hour each way for your own Brothers big Birthday is just a bit shit.

seems like a waste of petrol to just drive an hour away for a couple of hours just to drive another hour home

With your kind of thinking, it's never worth doing anything ever because you'd rather stop in with your cats. Honestly, I'm not big into parties myself, but using cats as an excuse to miss your brother's party one hour away is ridiculous, and anxiety only gets worse by avoiding things and assuming you can't cope. Imagine if you got yourself there and back and you and your cats were just fine. That would be a big step in getting out of the sad anxiety hole you're stuck in.

A "waste of petrol"? Why do you have a car then? I would have thought this was exactly the sort of situation where being able to drive and owning a car prove their worth.

I appreciate that you are feeling very anxious, but to anyone else your excuses are sounding very weak. If it’s at all possible I think you should go. Your brother might reasonably find it hurtful if you don’t.

Do your family understand the level of anxiety you’re dealing with or do they not see it because you don’t maintain a relationship with them through regular contact and make half arsed excuses such as not being able to leave the cats, not liking driving when it’s dark or it being a waste of petrol to travel 1 hour each way to celebrate a milestone birthday with a sibling who specifically invited you?

I agree with other pp that said you need to look at getting support for your anxiety and suggest you’re honest with your brother/parents why you don’t want to go to the party otherwise there will come a time when a) they’ll stop inviting you to events and b) won’t be there to help you when you need help because of your anxiety!!

It’s not that far and the cats will be fine. It’s harsh not to go unless you dislike him.

If you don't want to go don't go , just say you can't make it . You don't have to give a reason . Cats will be fine to be left for one night. So it sounds like you are just looking for excuses not to go

If you do not go please be truthful, that you are deeply unwell and unable to come. And use it as a point to start addressing your mental health issues, they have become so severe that it is limiting your life to the point you are isolating yourself from your family. The cats and the drive and saying it's wasteful to drive to see your brother on his 30th are unreasonable distractions that will cause hurt if you say these are the reasons. I hope you are able to seek help and get better, it sounds like you are in a bad way 💐

If I were your brother I would be upset and offended if you dont come. Your excuses sounds just like that - excuses.

If you absolutely can't drive there and back on the same day, and so worry about your cats, take them with you (but i imagine they cant go into car, parents are allergic and live in a tiny flat and there are so many other reasons why you cant do this).

I think if you really wanted to go you would have found a way.

The tell them
a) you can't afford the taxi
b) you can barely afford the petrol
c) about your anxiety issues
Do not mention the cats

This!
i know you are anxious but you actually need to consider your brothers feelings, put your big girl pants on and either drive over and back on the same evening or leave the cats. Cats can be left for a night or two without any problem.

Drive there and back on the same day - it's not rocket science

OP, it sounds like you don’t want to go, which is a shame considering it’s your brothers milestone birthday.
First the cats, then the dark, then the waste of petrol.
An hour is not far, the cats would be absolutely fine to be left overnight, you could drive there and back, but if you don’t want to go just say that, but expect it may sour your family relations.

Oh, I don’t know, I voted YABU but it really depends how hard it is for you to do it, and maybe whether there’s something else nice you could suggest doing with him instead? It would be great if you could manage it. If it’s really too much maybe you can have an honest chat with him about it.

Would you have said this if it was a dog 🤔

Why don’t you like your brother?

Drive over, show your face. It might be fun.

Then make a French exit. Or say the cats are sick.

Sounds like you don’t want to go OP, your cats would be fine for 24hrs, I would buy an automatic pet feeder, handy to have if you are going away for a day or two.

I do that if I'm very occasionally away overnight. On Friday I left at 4pm, gave them an early tea, left some extra dried food, two bowls of water and clean litter trays. They were fine when I got back on Saturday morning.

It's ok to change your mind about something - even without a specific 'reason'.

Nasty.

So stay overnight. The cats will be fine - leave water, dry food and a litter tray and they will be perfectly alright until you return - what other care do you think they need for one night?