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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want fiance to get rid of his cats

759 replies

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:40

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

  • Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.
  • His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)
  • I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment
  • I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 10:21

Thanks for all your inputs. We are going to start introducing the cats to the dog this weekend (after dog has been on her walk) and get them used to each other.

My dog is very friendly, so we are hoping there wont be too many issues (bar a bit of hyperactivity upon meeting that we can obviously deal with!)

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 02/05/2025 10:22

I dont think you should move in together if allergic to cats it will be miserable. Try staying at his for a week or two and see if the antihistamines help enough.

If you cant live with the cats he may come to the decision to rehome but I dont think you should ask him to.

whitewineandsun · 02/05/2025 10:23

YABU. He should not move in with you and your dog.

justasking111 · 02/05/2025 10:24

Post menopause I've become allergic to our pets so I take fexofenedine daily. It's not the dogs or cats fault. There's worse allergies to have.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/05/2025 10:25

This whole situation sounds ridiculous and has disaster written all over it, I feel sorry for the child and all the animals.

RipleyJones · 02/05/2025 10:26

TomatoSandwiches · 02/05/2025 10:25

This whole situation sounds ridiculous and has disaster written all over it, I feel sorry for the child and all the animals.

Adults doing what They want again, to hell with any consequences.

Frequency · 02/05/2025 10:27

I have cats and I am allergic to them. DD2 loves cats; our ones were her dad's before he passed away. There is no way in hell I would've rehomed her precious cats just after she'd lost her dad. They came to us, it was never even a question.

I did find that, in time, my allergy lessened. I built up a tolerance to my own cats. I'm still allergic to strange cats, but not as much as I was previously. My allergy used to be so bad that I was "allergic" to people who owned cats. Now, I can tolerate being in the same room as a strange cat as long as it doesn't climb all over me.

In the beginning, I used Piriton and air purifiers in every room, plus lots of vacuuming. It is do-able, OP and if you actually cared for your DP you wouldn't even consider asking him to rehome his beloved cats.

Clementine183 · 02/05/2025 10:27

From other comments it seems the allergy thing may be manageable in the longer term if you take antihistamines for a while. Looking at the bigger picture I'd be more worried about having a Rottweiler and two cats in a house together - it sounds like it could be a nightmare. Think you are right to try introducing them slowly and see how it goes before making any decisions.

I absolutely wouldn't be getting rid of my cat and if he's had his for a couple of years and bonded with them then I suspect he feels the same. I got my current cat almost two years ago when I'd only been with my partner a month or two - it was so early in the relationship that I didn't really think to consult him about it I admit. He loves cats but had made the decision not to get another after his last cat died (costs, convenience, the upset of saying goodbye to them). We're planning to move in together within the next year so surprise, he will effectively have a cat again after all. Luckily he loves the cat in question and has accepted that we come as a package! Not the same situation I know but sometimes compromises have to be made.

Babyboomtastic · 02/05/2025 10:27

I think you either re-home all 3 pets or none...
I do wonder about his seriousness about the relationship though with getting kittens at a time you were discussing moving in, but it's a bit late now.

I am allergic to cats btw. I've also had cats for the last decade. I find being around my cat makes me immune to her. I still react to 'strange' cats though, and have to take antihistamines for the first few days when back from holiday whilst my body adjusts to my own cat again.

If your allergy can't be controlled by reasonable means (like antihistamines) then he might need to look at rehoming, but don't be under the pretence it's any easier for him than you rehoming your dog.

Jasmin71 · 02/05/2025 10:27

Don't live together, the cat's shouldn't be effectively abandoned to suit YOUR expectations.

He didn't know you were allergic when he homed them so tough!

People like you make me really disappointed.

DisappearingGirl · 02/05/2025 10:28

People always talk on here as if rehoming is the worst possible thing, but I think you do have to consider what is best for all the animals and humans involved.

For the humans - I wouldn't want to live long term with an animal I was allergic to.

For the cats - I actually think it might be kinder to rehome than to move them into the downstairs of a house with a child and dog (are there any quiet rooms they could escape to?)

I love cats but I also think they can adapt. My friend recently adopted two 12 year old cats (after the elderly owner died) and they were relaxed and affectionate at her place within a week.

the5percentclub · 02/05/2025 10:28

I think you are underestimating how long it takes cats and dogs to get used to each other. I have a GSD and 2 cats. One cat was here before the dog, 2 years ago, then the other cat has come in last year. They are only now able to be occasionally in the same room - and it's not relaxed for any of them. The cats roam the whole house while dog is only downstairs - meaning they have the respite of upstairs (they don't like each other much either, but tolerate). Is fine for us as they have their own spaces and house is quite big.

If I were him, I'd consider rehoming the cats privately, because your allergy will not go away. All our pets came to us this way (one cat when owners divorced, one when owner moved back home where parent was allergic, dog when owner was dying), it's not the end of the world for the cats, it may be better. But I wouldn't do it through a charity because that's not what they are there for imho.

DontAskMeImLostToo · 02/05/2025 10:30

HonestAquaMember · 02/05/2025 09:49

6 years old isn't 'near the end of it's life' - it's barely half way through!

But you wouldn't rehome your dog, so can't expect him to rehome his cats.

Show quote history

Rottweilers don't generally live after about the age of 10

Deebee90 · 02/05/2025 10:30

Well I agree with you. He’s moving into your house and you are allergic to the cats. I am allergic to cats too and no way on earth would they be coming into my house. He needs to rehome or stay renting. No way should you suffer long term because he has them.

TheJinxMinx · 02/05/2025 10:31

YABVU he is taking on presumably your child as you said you have a child with additional needs and will likely be helping to co parent and ur "playful" dog and u won't even give the cats a chance. Of course when the dog and cats first meet the dog will be a problem initially but with time and the right introductions and management they will in time likely be okay together. U of course by the sounds of things will use any opportunity to get rid of them from the get go

Oldandcobwebby · 02/05/2025 10:31

You lost me with "he wants a gaming room", and is happy for you to lose your office for it. WTAF? Is he 9????

ParsnipPuree · 02/05/2025 10:31

Disgusting- these are cats are your partner’s family, bonded to him as is your dog to you. Cats who don’t deserve to be turfed out because it suits you.

Poppyseeds79 · 02/05/2025 10:31

Have you considered where they might be re-homed OP? They'll be a bonded pair so need to go together. Rescues are jam packed with unwanted pets so that's really unfair to create an extra burden on purpose there.

Are you going to at least attempt to source a good suitable alternative? Or are they just getting chucked in a carrier and off to the rescue they go? Because you don't sound like you give a shit... What with your "allergy", and your old (not old) dog needing to come first 😒

Wobblemonster · 02/05/2025 10:32

YABU to expect him to regime his cats. If you feel your dog is near the end of its life then I would suggest postponing moving in together until this happens.

Ddakji · 02/05/2025 10:32

ParsnipPuree · 02/05/2025 10:31

Disgusting- these are cats are your partner’s family, bonded to him as is your dog to you. Cats who don’t deserve to be turfed out because it suits you.

Do you think it suits her to be allergic to these cats?

Rainbow1901 · 02/05/2025 10:33

Even though the cats are house cats - I don't think it's too late to introduce them to the outside world. They can be outside with your DH on a cat lead initially and it would be better for them. The vet or some cat charity might have more advice.
The allergy can probably only be helped with anti-histamines although you may find that as you live with the cats that you become de-sensitised.
My GD seems to have an allergy to cats so when she stays over she takes anti-histamines - she adores the cat so copes with it so she can fuss and play with it. She grew up with cats as they were already in the house when she was born - seems funny that an allergy developed later on.

ilovesooty · 02/05/2025 10:34

AnonKat · 02/05/2025 09:47

I wouldn't give up my cats for someone else's dog. I think your lives are incompatible honestly.

Agreed. If I were him I wouldn't be committing to this relationship. Hell would freeze over before I'd accept pressure from someone to rehome my cats.

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/05/2025 10:34

Why do you have a Rottweiler with a small child?

YAB completely unreasonable about the cats.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 02/05/2025 10:34

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:48

No, its a 6 year old Rottweiler nearing the last few years of its life. I wouldnt rehome her.

Show quote history

Nearing the end of its life? The dog is middle aged. Stop making excuses. It sounds like it's your way or the highway. Your living arrangements are just not compatible at the moment so you should consider living separately for now.

MounjaroMounjaro · 02/05/2025 10:34

Do you really want him to move in? He will have more private space in your own house than you will. Presumably he'll be living there rent-free, too?

I voted YANBU and had to laugh when I saw 88% disagreed, thinking he has the right to bring his cats to live with you when he knows you have a dog.

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